explosions â harpwell
To stop herself from continuing to laugh along with him, she bit down hard on her lower lip which just caused a wide grin to appear on her face which even the lip biting couldnât hide at all. âOh shut up!â And even if she had tried her hardest to be serious in every way in that moment, it was more than impossible for her. It always seemed impossible for her in moments like that with him. It was probably also the fact that it was so obvious to her how he was kidding too. âSeriously⊠Watch your words, Mister or you and I are going to have a huge problem!â she warned him, raising her brow at him. While this time her tone was serious as well as her expression, she soon enough couldnât help but just grin, way too amused by this entire situation and their stupid conversation. âI can only disagree with that. Itâs obvious that Iâm right here and youâre still denying it. Thatâs pointless though.â she shrugged, the grin remaining on her face.
Things like this, their pointless arguments and banters, were definitely things she had missed the past couple of weeks when she had distanced herself so much from him. Hearing what he called her, she gave him his usual response which was her rolling his eyes at him. âOh? Who is Rosie?â she asked though she knew he was referring to her and he knew that she knew that too. âMaybe I should leave you all alone with that Rosie person then since Iâm not needed.â she sighed and shrugged her shoulders before she couldnât help but let out a soft chuckle. âYou do know youâre kind of really cute when you pout like that, right?â His reaction to her calling him that only made her like calling him an idiot even more and she knew that her reaction to him calling her by her first name or any form of that was also the reason why he called her that way too often. âYou are an idiot, though.â she insisted. She didnât even mean it in a bad way at all and Ashley was sure that he knew that too. A gasp escaped her as she looked at him in shock. âExcuse you, what are you even talking about! I never even had sex in my entire life. I donât do naughty stuff like that.â Even though she tried to stay serious again, the grin gave it all away and she couldnât help but chuckle either.
A small smile appeared on her features as she nodded. âA hell of a lot better to be honest, yeah.â She had freedom, a really nice and understanding boss and a lot more of the things she didnât have at Teen Vogue. Maybe it was also the fact that her boss actually saw her talent and trusted her was something that made everything a hell of a lot better. She bit down on her lower lip as she looked at him and listened to his words. Still, it wasnât fine to her at all. None of this was actually fine because she was lying to him so obviously she felt bad, not just because of her behavior. Almost everything about this was so wrong but she decided to not really fight against it anymore. âI guess I can really consider myself lucky that youâre so understanding and all.â That also was true because if he wasnât then itâd be a much bigger problem for her.
It was just becoming more and more evident that no matter what she said, no matter how hard she tried to make him see this and how she actually was right in a way, he wouldnât really see it. Then again, in his position she probably would constantly tell him that she shouldnât thank him either because she didnât do much but in her eyes he really did a hell lot for her. âOur stubbornness really isnât good sometimes.â she chuckled. It did make things rather complicated for them sometimes but not the the point where it got really, really bad. âBut, yeah⊠Guess we wonât ever agree on this.â she shrugged but smiled back at him. âThatâs good to know.â And her smile only grew bigger at that. It was always nice to know he was glad to have her and sheâd never really grow tired of hearing that.
If Ashley said she was convinced she was reasonable in that moment, she was lying. Actually, the more time passed the more she realized that she was being stupid. She realized that her words werenât fair and she wanted to take everything back but obviously, it was all too late. She couldnât just take it back and especially not expect him to be okay with this. It was so obvious that he was everything but okay with this. Could she blame him? No, obviously she couldnât. This really was nothing he ever deserved. He didnât deserve someone whoâd question his words like that but she couldnât help it. Even now, she still was questioning if he really did mean those words because it seemed so surreal to her. She couldnât possibly believe how someone like Ryder could ever fall in love with her.
As she looked at him, she wondered what was going through his head. His silence was killing her but she probably didnât deserve much in that situation and even if she did, what did she expect him to say after all the nonsense that left her mouth? This probably just angered him even more and again, she absolutely couldnât blame him for that, not even in the slightest. In fact, she was getting angry at herself for all of that. That was the problem with her. All the insecurities mixed with the fact that too often she didnât think clearly always ended in bad situations. The laugh that left his mouth felt like a knife stabbing her because it was so obvious how hurt he was in that moment. It was always what she didnât want hurting him. Now she had done exactly that. Him leaving the room hurt just as much as that laugh that escaped him because she wasnât sure if heâd just leave but if he did, she could definitely understand it. She could understand a reaction like that. A tear actually rolled down her cheek. She was scared. Scared that heâd just pack his things now and leave, scared that now he was completely tired of her and her shit. If that was true, then she really couldnât blame him at all, not even in the slightest.
Ashley was just waiting to hear the door of their apartment open and close again, to hear the sign of him just leaving like that so maybe thatâs why she was somewhat surprised when he came back into the room. The blonde wiped her tears away as she looked at him. She felt a sharp pain shoot through her body as she saw his expression. She had never really seen him like this before and she knew that this was her fault. She had really fucked things up this time. Staying quiet, she looked away from him again and just listened to what he had to say. Every single one of the words that left his mouth were true. He was right, more than right with everything he was saying and still they hurt. The worst thing about this was that she actually had no right to be hurt in that moment. He did, yes but she? No, absolutely not because she got herself into this mess. She decided to say all these things, to push him away and do this to him, to herself. And he was also right because this wasnât fair to him. The way she was doubting him wasnât fair. Exactly that was probably why she felt so bad about all of this. She was realizing more and more how much she had hurt him with all of this.Â
"NoâŠ" was all she got out at first in response to his last words. "You leaving me alone is really the last thing I could possibly want, Ryder." she told him, biting down on her lower lip as she looked at him. "And yes, I do believe you when you say youâre in love with me. At least part of me does because thereâs all these insecurities inside of me that donât get it. This is no excuse, I know that and if this is also bullshit you donât want to hear then Iâm sorry but I want to say this. I need to say this." She walked a little closer to him, looking at him with a frown. "Itâs just that⊠Why? Why would you fall in love with me? I donât deserve that. I donât deserve to have someone like you fall in love with me. Iâm not worthy of your love. That are also my insecurities speaking. Those are always my insecurities speaking because theyâve been clouding my god damn mind those past couple of weeks again." she took a deep breath as she started playing with the hem of her shirt and looked down. "So hereâs the thing. People always tell me how selfless I am but I was acting everything but selfless lately. If I had been selfless then I wouldâve actually thought about how my behavior would affect you. In fact, I was being stupid enough to believe that you wouldnât really care. I thought about hurting myself and didnât even think that obviously this would hurt you too. Even if I did believe that you could never fall in love with me, even if that was true, I knew that you still cared about me a lot so obviously this would hurt you. I just didnât think that far. I never do." Again, this wasnât much of an excuse and she wasnât even trying to find an excuse for this. She was just explaining herself, feeling the need for it more than ever.  "I did this because I just thought you wouldnât feel that way and I wanted to stop it before I got myself into it deeper. I didnât think about the fact that you could possibly be in love with me because to me that seemed impossible. It was so unlikely in my head. I pushed you away, I lied to you and you didnât deserve me to do that. I know that. I know that Iâve acted foolishly. I could say that it was to defend myself but who defends themselves, puts a wall up, by hurting someone else in the process?"Â
None of the things she had done were okay. To her this really was just prove that she didnât deserve him. He didnât deserve someone who did this to him. âYou know, people even told me that if youâre not feeling that way or me then Iâd get over it just like I did before but the thing is, I donât think I could. I couldnât handle losing you at all. Losing you would hurt more than anything Iâve ever felt before. This is just different, so different. Iâve never felt this for someone. Not even anything close to this. Iâve opened myself up to you like I did never before, especially not that quickly. If I lost you Iâd lose a part of me and I donât even fucking care right now if Iâm being too cheesy. I donât even care if you donât want to hear this right now. Itâs just true, youâve somehow become part of me in a way. I think thatâs obvious because sometimes you know me better than I know myself.â She wasnât even sure if she was making sense, if this would help bring her point across. The thing was, she couldnât just tell him that she loved him. Those words simply still wouldnât fall past her lips even after he had admitted to feeling that way. Somehow, for some reason that she couldnât quite figure out saying those three words were still impossible. She was still scared for some reason so it wasnât happening, she just couldnât say it.
"I want you here with me more than anything. All these times I said that I hope to have you in my life for a long time, I meant it. All these times I told you about how scared I am to lose you I was more than scared because of how much you do mean to me." And she stopped again, just to take another deep breath. "I really hate myself right now for doing this because it was stupid. The pushing you away part, the not believing you actually meant it when I actually know you do. And I fucking know that you wouldnât just throw these words around. I know because I do know you. I just didnât think clearly. I never think clearly when I let my insecurities come through like that and itâs my own fault and yes, I am sorry. I am sorry for this shit. I am so incredibly sorry for hurting you. Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do, I swear. I would never want to hurt you." That was nothing but the truth because sheâd actually rather hurt herself than hurt him. "Iâm sorry for lying to you. I never meant to. Again, I could bring up all these excuses but I know they are worthless right now. Maybe everything I just said didnât really mean much. Maybe I just completely wasted your time so if I did Iâm sorry but RyâŠ" And she paused again, walking a little closer to him again. "Lastly, here I am looking you straight in the eyes and telling you that yes, I believe you. I believe that you meant those words and I wouldnât ever want you to leave. I never wanted in the first place if Iâm being completely honest here. I just thought itâd be best thing to do even though it was the worst thing I possibly couldâve done. I donât want to lose you and I donât want you to leave me alone. You mean so, so, so fucking much to me. If I could, trust me I would turn back time and I would do it differently. But this is what I do. I fuck shit up big time and I canât undo that. I know I fucked up and if you want to leave now then⊠I just⊠Please donât, Ry. Please donât leave. Iâm so, so sorry." she mumbled quietly as her voice became even quieter and shaky in the end, feeling another salty tear roll down her cheek again. "If you need space, Iâm giving it to you. I donât know what you want now. If you want to leave I canât blame you after what Iâve done but I know what I want. I do want you. And I am really sorry for doing this. I swear, I never actually meant to hurt you, to not believe you and all the shit Iâve done. Iâm more than sorry. I amâŠ"
His eyes roam over Ashleyâs face at her comment. No doubt sheâs doing her best to try and stay serious, and honestly, thereâs also no doubt (not for Ryder, no; not in any kind of way) that sheâs failing miserably at it. âYou donât really want me to shut up, weâre both very aware of that.â the way he states his words with so much confidence, is probably just another proof, another way to show her, that by now he can read her like an open book. Oddly, it always felt like this. She was so easy to be around, she made things so simple. Ashley was the most amazing antithesis Ryder knew --- she was both simple and extremely complex. Easy to read but at the same time, so difficult to do so. She was â in lack of better words, mind him â fascinating and maybe that added up to the list of reasons that made Ryder Blackwell be so in love with Ashley Harpe. It was with a blink of his stormy blue hues that he realised how distracted, lost, he had been and only then, did he replied to her. âOh yes because Iâm so scared of you, blondie.â he told her, bright wide grin appearing in a matter of seconds. âIâm not denying anything, sweetheart, however this is quite pointless, true. Then again, when arenât our oh-so-serious banters, pointless, baby?â
And then, there it was again. The expected response from Ashley, the one he had to roll his eyes towards. Nevertheless, he canât fight against the smile that breaks onto his face when she lets out a chuckle and keeps pretending not to know heâs mentioning her. âYou know only too well who is Rosie.â he pointed out, pursing his lips out and rolling his eyes at her comment. He wasnât cute. However, Ryder shrugs that off instead. It was rather pointless to argue against it considering Ashley (being the stubborn one she is) would only come up with a list of one hundred and ten reasons (possibly not really good reasons but whatever) as to why she was right and therefore his pout was, indeed, cute. âI thought I was always cute. Are you implying Iâm not always cute and adorable and wonderful?â he sighed dramatically, knitting his brows together, though she will obviously see through his little dramatic act. Ashley always does after all. Which doesnât quite stop him from being such a drama queen --- and granted being one makes things so much more fun. âYou have a thing for idiots then?â the way he tilts his head to the side, wide smirk spreading across his lips like wild fire, probably lets her know he was only (one more time) teasing her. And itâs with her next statement and her fake shocked expression that he bursts out into a fight of laughter. âOf course. How could I say something like this? Youâre extremely innocent.âÂ
It wasnât hard to see how relieved Ashley looked, how different her new job seemed to be. One thing Ry could tell was that it clearly wasnât nearly as stressful for her as her prior one and she was often in a much better mood than she was when she used to work at Teen Vogue. Lastly, this whole thing was good for her health; he remembered her ending up on a hospital for passing out due to exhaustion once and that was something he never really wanted to happen to her again. Even if sometimes it didnât seem that way, he truly did care about her well being and no, he did not pester her about how she should sleep more and relax just because he was trying to annoy her. His eyebrows drew together because truth be told, he wasnât that understanding â rather he just tried to see all points of view in a situation so he wouldnât misjudge or be rude towards anyone. âI think everyone deserves a chance to explain themselves, yeah? Besides, like I said, we all have bad days, Ash. I donât expect you to be happy 24/7 hence why I understand perfectly fine when youâre being moody.â the blue eyed boy told her, eventually repeating himself but whatever, at least then sheâd know he meant what he said.
Her statement worked like some sort of cue to his smile. As soon as she pronounced those words and they flood through his ears, his lips broke into a wide smile. They were too stubborn which made things difficult sometimes â and rather amusing too, mind you. âMakes things more fun, though.â Ryder reasoned, tongue clicking against his teeth once he smiled and yeah, this was as much as it was needed to let her (or anyone else) see he was merely teasing again. And okay, when wasnât he being a tease? A shook of his head was as much of an answer as he gave at first because no, theyâd never agree and alright, even if she had a point he wasnât letting her know that. Nope. Not really since he still didnât see how he had been so crucial in the whole getting a job condition. âWe wonât, no. Thatâs obvious and itâs also whatever. What matters is that you get the job.â It was a fair point because in the end it was all about the results not the methods. Granted the methods were important but not really in these circumstances. Youâre possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me, he thought. Those words, however, remained unspoken and instead Ryder smiled and muttered a small, ridiculous âyeah.âÂ
Tired; tired wouldnât even be enough to express how the Australian one was feeling right in that moment. His heart was racing, constricting against its cage and his head was hurting, he could sense the massive headache heâd have later on when he finally lied down on his bed and went through everything that had happened. Ashley gave him a million reasons for him to give her up. Anyone else in his place would have walked out on her the moment she said he was lying when it came down to his feelings, anyone else would just take a deep breath, turn on their heel and leave. He couldnât bring himself to do so. It was ridiculous, so fucking ridiculous, because (and Ryder never in a million years thought heâd be saying --- or rather thinking --- that) in that precise moment, the Californian girl hurt him. From the second the first words tumbled out of her lips, echoing on the walls and within the apartment, she broke him down. He didnât know what was worse. The laced feelings, all the emotions, he was feeling were too much for him and he honestly couldnât put a finger on how this made him feel. He was in a rollercoaster of emotions, in lack of a better expression. Started happy and cheery only to go on a downward spiral. He felt disappointed, felt anger, felt tired, felt hurt. He felt too much, so much, he was starting to believe he didnât, he couldnât, feel anything at all.Â
Along with his heart, his mind, too, was spinning with thoughts. Of course in that moment, only the worst things would pop into his mind and of course, the words Gabrielle pronounced the day she left would repeat themselves along with his parentsâ words till they carved themselves into his brain. Till he couldnât forget them. The thing was --- and good God, did Gabbyâs words hurt back in the day --- Ryder didnât think he could quite compare this, no. In truth he didnât think words ever hurt as much as Ashleyâs. Not because they were the worst he had ever heard, not quite. More so, because her expression, because the way the words were pronounced â like she doubted every single word he said, like she hadnât spend the past months with him, living with him, getting to know who he truly was. That was what it hurt. That was what broke him down, what made him question if it was true and all good things did come to an end sooner or later. Right now, everything was unclear. Right now, Ryder didnât know whether he was better wandering on the New York Cityâs streets so he could place his thoughts and gather himself or if he was better with her. This wasnât the Ashley he knew; the Ashley he knew, the girl he fell in love with, wouldnât do this and this, this were her insecurities talking. Or so he wanted to convince himself of it. Worthless. Insecurities or not, he wasnât sure if he could handle it, if he could risk getting his heart scattered in pieces. Â Â
The issue, the real big problem was, well he wasnât too sure if he could handle things without her either. Yeah alright, he was strong but was he really? Because people always saw the put together Ryder but no one ever thought how messed up he was, how his mind was constantly racing, how his past was unusual and his relationship with his parents wasnât certainly as picture perfect as everyone painted it to be. Point was â Ashley made him stronger and maybe it had been because she always tried to see past his mistakes, maybe it was because she made him feel like someone could care, like it was alright to have issues. Maybe it was because she made him feel loved, flaws and all. And right now, she was the one who took that way and replaced it with emptiness. He stood there; like a child to whom one steals the ice cream. Unsure of how to react, what to say. Perhaps thatâd explain his odd reaction and why he laughed. Or maybe not. He sighed for the millionth time because he didnât want to hear her. He wanted to block it out and he wanted to be in silence. And right there and then, Ryder felt himself retract into his shell. Once she took a step forward, walked a little closer to him, he took to steps backwards, getting away from her because no, he couldnât think when she was around and no, he couldnât forgive her that easily. He simply couldnât. His head only seemed to ache more every time she questioned why heâd love her, blue eyes narrowing till the point where they were pretty much black. She didnât get it. It wasnât something he could help, and no, Ryder would totally not say this wasnât his choice because it was. He didnât fell in love with her (though thatâd be more accurate considering that everything that falls, breaks - and broken was how he felt in that moment.), he walked into it, with eyes wide open and completely aware of what was happening.Â
âIâm tired.â those were the first words he said when she went silent. They didnât make much sense but after a shaky breath and a blink of those (now) dull blue eyes, he was speaking again. Adding to what he said, explaining. âTired of being pushed away again and again, Ashley. You know, everything reaches a breaking point. I can only take so much before I reach mine and Iâve⊠Iâve been taking bullshit my whole life. From my parents, from my teachers, from my brother, from my supposed friends, from my ex-girlfriends, fromâfrom everyone. Itâs always been the same. Itâs the same being pushed away and later pulled over. My mother did that my whole life, my brother does that to the point where I donât know if he hates me or not, my teachers either brought me down or put me on top of the class like I was some sort of royalty. My so called friends spent their days pushing me away, only to call me back a few days later because they could use some help. My ex-girlfriends pushed me away because I was just the guy who slept with all the girls, right? And it was so much easier to push me away instead of giving me the benefit of doubt. And that is whatâs so familiar in you Ashley. The fact you push me away again and again. Unfortunately, or fortunately, honestly Iâm so fucking lost I donât even know if this is good or not. Anyways, for some reason the more you push me away, the closer I get to you and do you realise how fucking stupid that is? Because itâs scary Ashley. Itâs sort of scary how Iâm basically putting my heart on your hands, how Iâm putting all I am on your hands. And I know, fuck, I know you could just shatter me even more. You can shatter me with a simple word, even without saying anything really. And thatâs mental, thatâs fucking mental, alright? Because you could just decide to open your hands and let me break yet I trust you so blindly not to do it. I put all my trust in you, I told you every single damn thing about me and now you tell me Iâm lying? Do you know how that makes me feel?â
Quite honestly, he had cave in the moment she looked into his eyes and told him she believed him and what he said. He had forgiven her right then and there, no matter how crazy that was. His problem was that, really, it was funny how people had told him to be careful with her, to not break her heart and yet when it came down to it, she was the one who held all the power upon him. And he didnât mind it, he didnât care honestly. All he knew in that moment was that he was tired of fighting, tired of speaking, tired of listening. He was tired and he needed a break. âYou fucked up so badly this time, Ashley.â the words came out so quiet, like a simple whisper and yet they pierced through the thick, thin air and sounded so loud. That was as much as he said, fluttering his oceanic hues shut and intaking a deep breath. And it was ridiculous how when his eyes fluttered open, he was the one taking a step closer to her, hands reaching out to cup her cheeks, forcing her to look up at him, and his thumb swiping the teardrops that rolled down her cheeks. âYou know whatâs so sad about this whole situation?â he questioned, leaning his forward till his forehead was resting against hers and his lids shut once again. âThe saddest, fucked up thing is that even though you were the one who said those things, even if you hurt me with your words... right now itâs hurting me more to have to watch you cry. And I think Iâm going a little crazy for you, I might be too emotionally invested in this and fuck, Iâm trusting you with everything that I am, Iâm trusting you that you wonât break me, that you wonât ruin me. Though, right now, Iâm sure that even if you did, even if you broke me, youâd just have to say come back for me to put past it and trust you again. Thatâs how in love with you I am. Thatâs how much I love you.â
