“Have you ever said anything without a filter before?” she wondered. “I didn’t intend to, but you got me singing in one of our very first interactions, so you got this version of me earlier than most if any ever get this version.” Jackie smiled, she honestly didn’t know what to say. “The more you say things like that the more I may actually start to believe it. That people who don’t appreciate how rare I am aren’t worth my time. I hang on to people even when they don’t hang on to me,” she admitted. She knew it was a flaw but it was one that came about because she didn’t see her own self-worth sometimes. “Honestly any kind of escape that becomes an obsession is very relatable. Fresh starts are good. The clarity mine gave me wasn’t so great because I realized the people I hung onto weren’t really as with me as I thought. But I like my fresh start. Sobriety is hard but I’m learning about my favorite version of me. Believe it or not, this is how I used to be. Before the anger and constantly wanting to fight.”
“I suppose at some point in time? But, I can’t exactly recall a specific moment in which I have,” Ryder admitted. “It’s not like I try to filter myself. It’s just who I am I suppose. Someone who overthinks everything before letting a word out.” Between growing up surrounded by politicians and being silenced by his uncle at every turn, Ryder never had the luxury of speaking freely. And if he was being honest, he wasn’t even sure he knew how. “Well, I appreciate it more than you can know and good. You should, because it’s the truth. But, I also understand the need to hang onto people. I’ve always had trouble... letting go? It’s like my brain isn’t capable of saying good bye or at least meaning it if I do?” He knew he should have let go of the need to be reunited with his parents again, but even now, even after it had cost him so much, he still clung onto the naive possibility. “I like your fresh start too. And I believe it. I just hope one day I can find mine? I’m not exactly sure what my favorite version of me would be or how much of who I am is a facade and how much is real?” He had never admitted that out loud before. That sometimes he felt like the biggest fraud in the whole wide room.