I’m Afraid my Partner is Going to Die.
It was 5:00pm. I woke up from a nap from a forehead being placed on my forehead and the front door slamming. My heart began racing. I called out for my partner, “where are you going?” I repeated, with no answer. My eyes wouldn’t stay open for too much longer…
I woke up 2 hours later. My girlfriend wasn’t lying next to me. I scrambled the sheets looking for my phone. I called, no answer. I called again, it went straight to voicemail. My thoughts began to fill my head with possibilities.
“Did she make it safely?”
“Was there a car accident?”
“Why isn’t she answering?”
“Why did she leave me without saying goodbye and I love you?” “She should’ve woken me up. She should know how worked up I get about that.”
She called 30 mins later. “Hey babe” I heard on the other side of the line.
“Where are you?!” I screamed.
“At a photoshoot. I told you earlier today.” weariness in her voice.
The next 10 minutes of the phone call was me going on yet again, another rant of why she doesn’t need to leave the house without telling me bye and I love you. I explained to her that I didn’t care if I was asleep.
I was going off. She hung up.
I clung to my phone waiting on her to call back. She did.
“Yes.” I said, through tears.
“I’m sorry, I love you.” she replied.
“I’ll be home in one piece soon, I promise.”
When Keyonna and I began dating, I was in a fragile state. It was 6 months after losing my previous partner, Anthony to death.
I still regret the way that Anthony and I said our last goodbyes to each other…
I was leaving for the weekend to visit family. He walked me to the car, shirtless in the middle of march. It was freezing outside, but he didn’t seem to mind. He gave me a quick peck on the lips, then ran upstairs. There was no “I love you” or big hug. However, I remember the eerie feeling of regret as I was driving off. Something in my head was telling me to go back and get that hug and “I love you”, but I brushed it off…
That Monday when he was killed and in a manic state, he called to tell me he that I was the girl of his dreams and how much he loved me. It was one of his famous rants, but I was at work and couldn’t talk so I had to go and hung up in his face.
There are no words to express how much I regret that decision. I wish that I would’ve taken the time to step out and tell him I loved him too and give him a proper goodbye.
He was killed two hours after our phone call…
The last words that he said to me were cut off by my impatience…
A year and a half later, I’m in a new relationship and I still hold on to those fears.
Last night, as I was scrolling through my facebook feed. I saw a photo of the singer, Selena and her husband, Chris. The caption was “Biggest Fear…” with the 4th photo of Chris at Selena’s funeral.
My heart dropped. My night was ruined. I couldn’t stop thinking about that picture. I’d already experienced this.
I mentally would not be able to experience death again, which explains my attachment and fear of my partner, Keyonna dying.
I don’t want her to get into an accident and not be able to have a good last memory with her.
I don’t want her to leave this earth without knowing how much I love her.
I don’t want her to leave this universe without me being able to pinpoint the manner in which we last said “I love you” to each other.
The thought of losing her makes me physically sick to my stomach.
When we first began dating, I told her to never leave me without giving me a hug or kiss. She never broke that promise, even if it was a drive to the corner store.
The only thing that keeps me sane is focusing on the good that we have together. I have to keep reminding myself that she is a healthy, 22 year old college student and that it isn’t my place to hold her back for fears of her safety.
That is selfish of me, but she understands and I am thankful for that.
I am thankful that I’ve found a partner who communicates her fears just as much as I communicate mine.
I am thankful that she understands the Post Traumatic Stress that came from my ordeal and tries her best to accommodate my needs.
Losing Anthony has changed my life from here on out.
I worry when my loved ones are running late or don’t answer the phone, different scenarios of fiery cars and 18 wheelers trinkle into my brain.
Death is inevitable, but I am trying my best to live in the moment and not the “what if?”
These tips have helped me and I hope that they can help anyone out there who may have a fear of their loved ones dying.
• As much as you would like to be able to control everything, you can’t. Letting go of this wish is critical in dealing with your fear. We are vulnerable beings. But this doesn’t mean we need to live in fear. It means that we do as the serenity prayer advises; we gain the wisdom to know what we can and cannot control. We have no control over many of life’s circumstances but we always have control over how we cope and persevere.
• Realize that death is a part of life. We will lose many loved ones in our lifetime as this is inevitable. But if we focus so much upon potential loss we miss out on life itself. If you are constantly worried or fearful then you will miss those wonderful opportunities to connect with others and to feel joy from those connections.
• Trust in your resilience to cope with life’s crises. It is true that each one of us will endure life circumstances which may bring us to our knees. But know that it is possible to get up again and also to find the strength and courage to survive.
• Some might say that our life is more valuable because we do die. Savor the time you have with your loved ones. Live authentically with the courage to show and express love. Create life long memories of spending time with those people you care about most.
• Write down your fears in a diary or journal. When your fear is kept inside your head it grows to block everything else out. Express yourself in writing and give your emotions a safe outlet. Sometimes seeing your fears by the light of day diminishes their power over you.
• If you feel that your fear or anxiety has become disabling in any way then it is time to seek the help of a good therapist. Find someone who specializes in either PTSD or grief counseling. You don’t have to do this alone. There is always support and help available.
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