unfiltered & revealing

living life in a blue state

[s-hooting-s-tar]

it's too early in the morning to cry. and man, did i stain my first three days of 2022 with tears? yes. i just couldn't stop them.

[s-hooting-s-tar]

so it goes. it appears that he never seriously considered me the way i seriously considered him. it's a purely physical agreement.

gracefully unclenching my fists. there's no point in holding onto someone who isn't sure of me.

i. do. not. deserve. this.

[s-hooting-s-tar]

i set up my alarm to 4 AM today hoping to get fucked by B before going to work, but when it rang this morning he softly told me to sleep some more. so i nodded my head and docilely said, "okay" after persuading me a second time. perhaps i got knocked out from the mix of weariness and excitement from last night's sex with restraints, which in turn got me sleeping again. another first. B got up, flipped on the light switch, and cooked me some breakfast to-go afterwards. the smell of bacon floated in the room and woke me up soon after a quick doze. i remember peeking under the covers, watching his figure standing in front of the induction stove for a couple of seconds, then i remembered again why i grew fond of him back then. he is a darling sweet soul underneath all that brokenness. i let the sleep consume me again until i felt the room turn dark again, felt him crawl and lay with me in bed. he must've seen me jerk lightly because he quietly told me (once more) to sleep until 5:45 AM which is the next alarm, the actual time that i usually wake up to on a regular weekday. i clung to him and sniffed his scent. meaty bacon aroma and something fragrant like perfume. perhaps it's fabric conditioner? he smelled really wonderful so i buried my face on the crook of his neck and complimented him about the pleasant fragrance he brought me close. and then we drifted off again to dreamland...

before we left my place, he softly gave me a peck on the forehead. competitive little me tried to give him one back but he already had his black cap on his head, so i laughed. embarrassed in my own strange way. but that didn't last long as he took it off, too. i kissed B's forehead and left a lipstick mark. "asado siopao," he said. made me laugh for sure. oh sweet soul, it really would've been nice to have met you when you weren't hurt by your past ghosts yet.

[s-hooting-s-tar]

it's the waiting that tests me. how long do i wait until i run out of patience and expectations because of B? it seems that he's too slow to figure out that he's the one that i'm pointing out in the tweets showcasing my vulnerability and pain. it's as if the more he's trying to let go of the past, the more he's consumed by it, i suppose. why couldn't he accept the past as it is instead? what on earth is he looking for that he couldn't find in me? i may never know and to be completely honest, i reject the idea of even finding out. i do miss him, but it seems like he doesn't miss me. and judging by the empty chat box, he doesn't give a damn about making me wait. no. this is just me overthinking and yearning for things to go my way.

[s-hooting-s-tar]

i got the tattoo that i've always wanted for several years now. it's Cloud perching on a cloud, smiling and at peace, drawn on the inner side of my left lower leg. B played a role in my impulsive decision to get inked, told me to check out this tattoo shop near his place. and when i liked the designs of their artists, i gathered the courage to book an appointment. B asked if he could come with me. i remember saying, "sure." i don't know, i don't know. i have no idea how to draw my boundaries lately and frankly, i don't want to get stuck in a fantasy anytime soon. everything's chill. maybe darkness awaits. we'll see how it goes.

[s-hooting-s-tar]

my dear, you made it. you passed. you were strong all throughout. your journey has just begun after you gained two more letters to your name. and i do not know what to do next. i don't know. it feels as if i took a deep dive into the dark ocean with all my senses shut off and i'm scared. and i'm swirling and breathless, looking for oxygen. the depth and the enormity of it all frightens me as usual, but this is even more terrifying. i am at a loss and i'm forgetting how to breathe again. i did it, didn't i? why do i keep having this sinking feeling a few days later? i do not know. god, i do not know anymore. can anyone please hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright?

[s-hooting-s-tar]

3:22 am. faced with cold hard truths. my legs are folded and turned to one side underneath the sheets. the desire to check B's account swells, but i ignore it with a quiet defiance, knowing that it wouldn't fare me well to do so as i'm in the process of decompression. A already left without a trace and there is a hollowness from the space he left. it left me feeling numb. i dare not dig up all the history. i am deleting screenshots of every conversation.

so i'm in a middle of an IG/twitter/fb cleanse. i'm training myself to choose my thoughts and the pages i want to check out. there is a peace which blooms bigger and bigger within me the day i stopped checking people's messages. i can't explain the lightness on my shoulders and chest. surely this is my goal after doing my own kind of bitter and excruciating self care? is this the effect of simply organizing my thoughts and emotions? i miss the person that i was, but i need to undergo metamorphosis. i know i can be even more stronger than i already seem. i'm pretty certain about it.

[s-hooting-s-tar]

melatonin dependence. poring over novels. knowlege acquired by listening to informative, educational podcasts. sweet cakes & milk tea. eat pray love. meaningful and engaging conversations with friends. calligraphy practice using song lyrics that strike me where it hurts the most. the sudden palpitations and gasping for air in unexpected times of the day. the descent of my consciousness to a darkness that i cannot describe in full detail, especially during nighttime. trying to live in the present moment. being here. listening. feeling. missing & regretting. letting go & forgiving myself. taking a step out of my comfort zone, my effort to cross over. i want to live going after my dreams. i dare not dream of disappointing my past selves. i want to live like that again.

[s-hooting-s-tar]

it is a scary thing to be aware of what you want and to actually let it be known to people. the fear and excitement, it's hard to tell the difference between them. i take a deep breath and listen to the sound of my heartbeat. what do i want? does it excite me? does it send me to the edge, trembling? yes. i know what i want now and i will try not to mind what other people would say.

[s-hooting-s-tar]

i crave softness. i crave the calmness that one gets from a long tight hug. i crave good company and warm food. i crave, i hunger, and i wish to be satiated. i want to touch my cheek against a beloved's to assure them that there's nothing to fear. i want love. give me love. give me the romantic kind, overwhelming enough to bring you to your knees and hold your bearings, as if it's too much that it'd spill and eventually drown & envelop an entire universe. i woke up from my siesta and it's already 5:40 in the evening. one won't probably be able to tell how much tears i've cried out before the sleep washed them away. the four walls in this studio type condo has seen too much of the exact same scene. pink pillowcases stained with pain. i sob quietly. i try to clear my head. so full of uncertainties and unanswered questions. the darkness of the night will soon fall. i deeply hope that tomorrow will be better and brighter.

[s-hooting-s-tar]

the thing about uncertainty is that it can drive you into overthinking or becoming overly optimistic about the future. i cannot determine what's the wrong or right way of action when it comes to it. you see, when you exercise caution, you prevent the risk of unnecessary pain. you'd then think that maybe this is better. but the moment you become comfortable with that, you've already paved the way for fear to creep in and gradually consume you. you start believing that it's better, that it's safe here in this small circle where you don't dare take a step. the only one you can hold accountable when things go wrong is none other than yourself, which i think is a heavy burden to carry. this has always been the case for me. either way, there will be consequences for any choice. there will be letting-go's and pain attached to any path. and yes that's life. that's how you attain growth. you make yourself better regardless of the misfortunes and unpleasant circumstances. unless you choose to stay the same weak person over and over again, never processing the lessons and learnings. so... i'm wondering about my choices. am i any better than my past self? am i a coward for being passive aggressive when it comes to _? the disregard, the silence, the distance. i find that the questions keep piling up unanswered. the coping mechanism that works is actually pretty simple: pushing them all aside and pretending they aren't there. i get on with my life inside that protective bubble. too fearsome are the things outside of my comfort zone. and it leads me back to the question if i am stronger now. i'm scared to admit that the answer is no.

[s-hooting-s-tar]

i want to kiss A again. this thought is so stupid, but this is what popped into my head while i was kissing B yesterday. and it's so true. why the fuck do i still miss A? maybe i'll never want to know the answer because deep in my heart i know it'll only end unpleasantly. i miss having these intellectually stimulating conversations with him, interjected with random sweet messages and corny humor or philosophical thoughts. basically anything and everything. i really miss him. i really miss the warm fuzzy feeling that springs up from my chest whenever he's around and i'm clinging to his arm, snuggling my head into the closest corner of his body that i could reach. all the face kisses packed with sincerity for me. all eyes, hands, and full lips on me. all thoughts focused on just me. it's something that i can't explain no matter how hard i try. i wish i wasn't just imagining it though. and he's so unlike B who's still so hung up on his last girl. he's probably using me (i'm actually sure, but who knows? let's give him the benefit of the doubt.) damn it. ang rupok ko when it comes to A.

[s-hooting-s-tar]

i almost had a breakdown at work today. i was already crying inside the restroom. i'm so tired.

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A is back but he doesn't even say hi. i'm proving a point here now about what he's after. and the bit about me being a cause of stress in general. bye.

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i've grown so weary. i don't want to be kind anymore. i don't want to be the understanding person who minds my heartbreakers' happiness. for them it's all take, for me it's all give. what would be left of me in the long run? is love always so bountiful or does it ever run out? i'm an extinguished flame at the moment. so lonely. so cold. the alcohol mutes or turns up the volume of agony when they come rushing back to me to sing a lullaby. they. the ghosts in my head that haunt. no. i don't want to see any of you anymore. i am done. f*ck all of these men. f*ck these memories. everything hurts.

[s-hooting-s-tar]

so here's something i need to get out of my chest. i missed A but i also missed having company and having a good time with someone (anyone, really) more. and then there's B who was willing to give me his time and attention, even for just a weekend. he offered his place so i can sleep over, drink soju, and watch k-drama on netflix. not asking much about details of his love life, i took the offer thinking he was just being generous to this sad lonely soul of mine. i knew then that B liked someone A LOT but she doesn't give him the assurance that he needs to be certain of what they have. it's the only thing i know. i make it a point to stop myself from asking since it isn't my business to do so. i am foolish. i got home on a friday two weeks ago from my appointment with this very attractive dentist and then i got to chatting with B, explaining how i have a dental infection and that i needed to take antibiotics for a week prior to a root canal procedure. then he started talking about korean food and soju and sleepovers, easily convincing me to go to his place. man. i was weak, and i believe he was just the same. people like us yearn for warmth and comfort and delightful company and probably someone to hold onto. someone who was there. i missed A, B missed her, and we were in each other's arms for two nights. he saw me waking up with a jolt and hugged me back to bed. he kissed me tenderly on the forehead. B was gentle with his caresses and it terrified me because i knew nothing about what he wanted. quite the same way as i am. i almost teared up when i found myself in his firm embrace because i realized that in that room was a loneliness so deep that couldn't be filled, even with kisses and cuddles. looking back now, i feel a solemn acceptance that maybe i won't be anyone's favorite. people have used me and took advantage of my kindness. kinda tough to trust someone if you've been in my shoes, but i am pretty foolish. i've always been when it comes to people who've made me feel like i can be lovable and adorable. even for a moment. i missed A, and now that he's back and talking to me again, i told him that i missed him too. what a fool. i won't ever make the mistake of showing this heart that's always been on my sleeve though. A & B, don't. just don't try. i can't keep doing this and then condemn myself for even trying. i hope you'll make it easier.

[s-hooting-s-tar]

woke up at 2 AM and I'm still awake at 4:30 am. i feel so broken and unwanted and lonely.