sad boy archives

[ between the kiss of dawn and the mystery of dusk ]

[s4dboiarchives]

[s4dboiarchives]

looking pretty good, bestie.

[s4dboiarchives]

“I now undertand the beauty of intoxication, though it may only be a temporary asylum for the broken, it’s enough.”

[s4dboiarchives]

all the little habits you left me

i often enjoy long walks down unfamiliar paths because an old friend of mine taught me the beauty in exploration, the beauty in finding new things in our everyday surroundings. i love dark and bitter coffee because a girl i used to like drank hers the same way and we would sometimes buy each other cups and write cute notes on the sleeve. i learned to love history because a boy i met online left me with the most curious  facts, 'til now i hear his voice in my head when i read old textbooks. fun fact, when i take a bath, i soap twice— once after shampooing my hair and again after rinsing off the shampoo; i used to make fun of the girl who told me she did this, never did i tell her i started doing it too. there is a specific bakery in a small city by sea that bakes my most favorite kind of bread— my bestfriend has the same favorite. i talk the way i talk because my grandmother taught me to speak with elegance and confidence, she taught me my first word— each time i speak,  i remember her. my being is composed of all the things i have acquired from all the many people i have loved— i am a collection, an archive, of all the wondrous people that have chosen to stop by.

[s4dboiarchives]

superhero complex  can sound like a lot different things, but today, for the first time, i heard it as: please, heal for me. 

[starei]

oh to be called "my love" by your favourite person in the whole world

[aidashakur]

I pray I don’t mishandle what I prayed for.

[s4dboiarchives]

right now this is the only thing that’s going through my head. i fucked up *bigtime* and i don’t even know how to apologize. nahihiya lang ako kase putangina ko ren naman talaga. i got one of the best blessings this year and i can’t believe i can’t even take of her properly, fuck. so right now, i’m just praying and holding on and hoping na everything falls into place. like, lord, please. minsan lang po talaga. 

[s4dboiarchives]

i don’t know if you’ve ever browsed my tumblr, like if you were curious what shit is in in here. well, if you ever get to read this then good for me, and if no, congratulations! you have successfully broken the heartbreaker’s heart and the best part about it is that i just let you -- just. like. that. 

i wanted to apologize for whatever i said when i was drunk. i honestly don’t remember what the fuck i even said, and ang bobo ko lang kase i could’ve watched it again pero i decided not to and just deleted it. anyway, i saw your tweet and of course it was for me. i knew with every fiber of my being na it was for me and i’m sorry. i didn’t mean for  you to feel that way because one, i always tell you to take care of yourself because that’s what’s important naman talaga, two, i was just sad and i let my emotions spill over. i didn’t mean to hurt you or make you feel selfish. but, i’m also just a person and sometimes i can’t help but feel sad even when i don’t want to and even when i actually understand. plus, a lot of times i just hurt myself with all the overthinking. i know, it’s something i really need to work on and i’m trying my best. i’m still waiting halfway, that hasn’t changed naman. i was just too caught in the emotion of it all. 

i don’t want you to go. please, i’m sorry. i’m sorry i made you feel that way.

[s4dboiarchives]

someday, it won't have to be 'sana all' anymore...

because someday, it will also be my turn. someday, i will get those chrysanthemums, peonies, and daisies i've always dreamed of having and when someday finally comes knocking on my door, i promise i'll keep those flowers safe between the arms of mitch and morrie  as they talk about the meaning of life on a warm tuesday afternoon. for now, i will send you the bouquets — daisies adorned with baby's breath, just how you like it. i'll send you flowers when you least expect it and on days when tomorrow seems too heavy to think of, because darling, it's your turn.

someday, i will also get the love letters that smell like the first time i met my lover and they will remind me of the moment my eyes first caught a glimpse of her — ethereal. however, right now, the letters are meant to be sent your way. so, allow me to write with all the authenticity i can muster — utter sublimation, as edith tiempo would put it. i hope my scent lingers on the paper as you begin to unfold my words, i hope it reminds you of warm memories and moments you fondly go back to . i hope you hear the echo of my voice while reading, i specifically chose the words i've written just for you — crafted.

one day, my lover and i will slow dance to the beat of whatever song is playing on the stereo. it's going to be like those movie scenes set in 60's or 70's diners where couple just swings to the sound of the jukebox, no matter what time of day — one day that's going to be me and lover. i swear, we are going to look outrageously corny and stupid, but it'll also be the cutest thing you've ever seen. but right now, it's your turn to waltz. so, let me take your hand, close your eyes, and enjoy. this empty hotel room will be our temporary ballroom; listen carefully, you might hear the orchestra playing in the background. chopin? tchaikovsky? lizst? your choice, my dear. allow me to kiss your hand and we'll ride off into one of the nights you will never forget — this will be our moment.

my darling, you're going to love each moment of it.

someday, it will also be my turn and for sure, it's going to be more magical than i can ever imagine; but for now, let me help you reach your dreams, let's cross out some or all of your first times.

when my 'sana all' comes, i can only hope that it's going to be you, because right now, there is no one i would rather spend all my 'sana alls' with.

you are the sun, moon, and all of the stars, my love.

stay, for as long as you like.

[thoughtsfromawallflower]

[s4dboiarchives]

taking care of myself basically entails self-isolation, listening to one song on repeat the whole day, brushing my hair for the 10000th time, and chainsmoking.

[s4dboiarchives]

posting for accountability. i will pause my relearning days and try to follow this for thirty days. 

[angelpunkmlm]

I think ‘I adore you’ is such a wonderful phrase,, it’s so soft and loving and feels so safe and comforting

[s4dboiarchives]

day 5: let me relearn these steps.

i think it’s also important to learn to be forgiving again. to yourself and to others.

i believe i’ve been bitter for the longest time and it hasn’t been a great experience. it’s mainly getting angry and frustrated at random times and being so internally violent. i mean, there are days that just piss you off but i think it’s really important to still see the value of forgiveness at the end of the day. it’s not easy to be forgiving of anyone and of the self, but there is comfort in reconciliation and burying the burden. 

it doesn’t always have to be immediately because who has the emotionally stability for that? take time to understand what happened and comprehend the gravity of what happened, allow yourself to feel, however, at the end of the feeling and the understanding, let it all go. let the baggage drop and watch it move away from you. 

the past is in the past for so many reasons. we accept it, learn from it, and go on. we know it’s there but we don’t let it define who we are or affect what we do in the present, hence, forgiveness is important because it helps us come to terms with everything in the past. the mishaps and moments we could’ve done better but we didn’t. 

to forgive it to heal.

so let’s say “i forgive you” more often, when it’s asked and even when it’s not.

[mydruggedthoughts]

[s4dboiarchives]

@ hello, it’s you, but idk if you’ll ever see this. 

[desultory-suggestions]

She’s like warm days, sunshine, honey and love.

[s4dboiarchives]

day 4: let me relearn these steps.

choose your battles.

there will be days that you will want to fight so badly because you know you can, you have the power, the energy, and spirit to do so. but if i've learned anything over the years, it's to choose the battles that you fight. not all battles will be worth it, i mean i guess that's where the saying "you might have won the battle, but i will win the war" came from.

it's not always about winning, because you can win at so many things in this lifetime, but are all of them worth it? did all of them bring you the peace and joy you needed?

sometimes, to lose is to gain. paradoxical, yes, but somehow true.

it's not about being apathetic in a situation, it's choosing to be wise about when to use your words so they become more meaningful.

petty fights are just tiring and small arguments are sure to burn you out. sometimes, you don't have to win, you have to understand and be understanding of what lies in the balance. is it worth it? are you sure? is this the battle you want to win?