It's a long slow path to getting what you want
It's a long slow path to getting what you want (3289 words) by Sablewick Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis, Stargate - All Media Types Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Cameron Mitchell/John Sheppard Characters: Cameron Mitchell (Stargate), John Sheppard Additional Tags: Miscommunication, Angst, Post Season 5, Asexuality, Established Relationship, Misunderstandings Summary: Sheppard struggles to figure himself out. He wants to keep Cam but he knows he's going about it in the wrong way because he can't manage to get over his hang ups. Set after Atlantis lands on Earth.
Sunlight filtered down through one of Atlantis many stained glass windows. It reached across the floor, illuminating the dust particles in the air. It turned Cam's hair golden and lit up all the fuzz that adorned his bare skin.
"You have to try," Cam said, turning his face towards the light, turning away from John. "You can't be like this, you can't stop trying."
John looked up at him from the corner, his eyes dead, his hands clutched in his hair. "Cam…" he whispered so quietly that it barely carried across the room. "Cam, I can't. I don't know…I'm just…" He watched Cam's shoulder's slump minutely. "Please, Cam."
Cam didn't look back. He was gone.
John rewound the recording and watched it again. And again.
He didn't know how to get Cam to stay.
"Where were you earlier?" Rodney glanced at the control crystal in his hand, quickly discarding it and picking a different one up off the ground.
"What?" John said, distractedly, his eyes scanning the bushes at the edge of the clearing, P-90 held at the ready. It was great knowing they weren't about to be ambushed by wraith but it was weird being back on the Milky Way rotation. The planets were just that little bit different, the people a little less skittish. It was nice to be there with his actual team though. It was familiar, grounding.
"Earlier, where were you?" Rodney said. "We wanted you to look at the, ahh," he made a hand waving motion. "You know, the modifications we made to jumper one, I made some adjustments."
John fidgeted slightly. "What modifications?"
"You know, with the shield." He stopped what he was doing in order to explain himself properly.
John waved him off. "Just, tell me later. We need this fixed."
Rodney turned back to the device. "We were working on making the switch more-"
"Later, Rodney." John twitched his gun up, seeing movement in the trees. It was just Teyla though, back from her patrol. She shook her head slightly before slipping back into the foliage. There was thankfully still no sign of the planet's occupants.
Half an hour later Rodney dusted off his hands and replaced the crystal tray. "I'm done." He said, gathering up the spare crystals.
John nodded then flagged Ronon down, indicating that they should head back to the gate. "Let's go."
"So," Rodney rubbed his hands together. "Where were you earlier? Please tell me you aren't still ghosting Mitchell."
John watched morosely as Cam rolled off the bed, stood up and pulled his shirt back on. He stood there, facing the door, waiting for John to speak. Waiting to see what he'd say.
John didn't say anything.
So Cam left.
John asked Atlantis to rewind the image and sat there watching Cam leave again and again.
He still didn't know.
How were these things supposed to work?
"Colonel." Lorne nodded as he walked in the door and waved his hand in what could loosely be termed a salute. "You want me to take the new recruits out tomorrow?"
John turned to face him curiously. "Yes?" He said hopefully.
Lorne rolled his eyes. "Sir, the new SGC members are on site. Majority of the kids have the ATA. You said you wanted them in Puddle Jumpers straight away."
John held up his data pad to show that he was already taking care of the supplies. "Yeah, and pair them up with some of the scientists and see if you can't get some of this stuff cleared out." He waved a hand at the stacks of Ancient gizmos that were piled up around his desk.
Lorne nodded. "I'll send some people to move your stuff back to your old office then?"
John smiled ruefully. "Yeah."
Lorne smirked back. "You do know that if you told them to keep it all down at the lab and just mentioned that you'd drop in sometime they'd stop giving them to you."
"Yeah," John dropped the data pad back on his desk, sending a stack of labelled artifacts tumbling to the floor. "They just look so hopeful when they're handing it over. And you know, they're always so insistent about it."
Lorne laughed at him. "I'll send out a note to remind them that you're not the only one with the ATA."
John flicked through the recorded images, pausing to remind himself of moments but unable to make himself watch entire sequences. He chucked the remote at his bed and growled in frustration, pacing back and forth in his tiny room. Then he asked Atlantis to choose.
He flopped down near the window to watch it.
Atlantis liked to show him this image. That or the machine was busted and it's ability to randomise the collection was fucked. It always chose the moment where Cam was wandering about John's room.
He'd stand ‘at ease' in front of the window, then wander to the few photo's John had on the side table. He'd check where John was up to in War and Peace then flop down onto John's bed. He'd go to tuck his hands beneath the pillow but pause when his fingers would catch on soft cloth.
He'd sit up again, tugging the shirt from beneath the bedcovers, a look of recognition would pass across his face, then surprise. He'd flip it around and check the size, wrap his fingers around it and sit it reverently in his lap.
He'd hold it for a moment, faint surprise clearly visible on his face. Then the corners of his eyes would crinkle and a smile would creep across his face. He'd snort and shake his head, chuckle to himself and bury his face in the shirt for a second before folding it roughly, but carefully tucking it away again.
Then he'd sit there waiting for John to show up, not even trying to hide his smile.
John knew what he was seeing even if he didn't believe it entirely. And he knew that this (whatever ‘this' was) was what Cam kept wanting him to say. This is what Cam wanted him to admit. This is what Cam was waiting for in words - words that John wasn't sure he'd ever really have.
This was why Cam was still waiting for him.
This was why Cam would probably always be waiting for him.
This was probably why Cam didn't mind the wait; the whole situation was already bleeding obvious.
The image of Cam vanished as the doors slid open revealing a somewhat amused looking Teyla dressed in her Athosian clothing.
"Have you finished hiding, John." She smiled serenely when John looked at her, startled. "I do not wish to intrude, but I'd noticed a certain level of avoidance recently, and I was just wondering if I needed to contact a certain Lietenent Colonel-"
"No." John interjected.
"-Cameron Mitchell in order to…are you sure?" She raised an eyebrow at him.
John shook his head. "I'm sure."
"You're fine to go and pick him up tonight then."
"What?"
"You're not hiding anymore?"
"I wasn't hiding in the first place."
Teyla held up the mobile phone she'd been graced with upon Atlantis' arrival in the San Francisco Bay. "Because I would've called him to cancel for you if you were. But since you're not, he said he'd be ready by seven and that you should wear something casual."
John looked at her blankly, trying very hard not to reveal the fact that his heart was doing something rather unusual in his chest. "We have an early mission tomorrow, remember, I'll call him and let him know."
Teyla pocketed the phone as he reached for it and turned to go back out the door again. "I think you'll find it's been post-poned." She smiled again. "You should go…'hang out.' I think Cameron is in need of your company tonight."
John laughed nervously. "He didn't…you…he wouldn't tell you…he wouldn't say…" He tried to start the sentence again, and then rephrase it, but the words still didn't come out.
She shook her head at him fondly. "John, I've had much practice in interpreting what people intend to say but fail to do so." She touched his arm before walking out the door. "Give him my love." She said, and was gone before John could protest again.
The image of Cam reappeared as the doors slid shut and John turned to stare at it while he fished his own phone out of his dresser drawer and dialled Cam's number.
He picked up before the phone could ring twice and John couldn't help smiling as Cam's warm voice drawled in his ear. "So, I hear you're coming to save me from IOA meetings and infinite boredom."
John chuckled. "As long as you're providing the beer."
Cam groaned a little. "I'll provide way more than that, get your arse over here. Steal a Puddle Jumper if you have to."
John bit his lip and snorted. "And you say I can't keep my fool mouth shut."
"I was referring to food, Colonel. Now hurry it up."
John kicked off his boots and went in search of some pants.
John was waiting in Cam's office, standing awkwardly near the desk when Cam loped into the room. He hadn't wanted to wait outside because standing in the hallway would look weird. But he hadn't wanted to make himself look too comfortable either.
Cam wouldn't have minded, he really wouldn't. It probably would've made the situation ten times easier to deal with if Shepard had just draped himself over Cam's office chair and pretended like he owned the place. It would've gone a long way towards making them both more relaxed.
But Shepard had too much rejection weighing him down. No matter how much his head tried to convince himself Cam would just find it highly amusing, he was still afraid of Cam walking in and frowning at him. Of Cam being displeased. Of Cam saying things were fine but proving that they weren't in every little action and expression.
Of Cam turning away and leaving him, again. Because Sheppard couldn't be who he needed.
The fight was still lingering in John's mind, exacerbated by how many times he'd watched the recording of Cam walking out on him. Was it self flagellation? Or preparation for when Cam finally left him for good?
Cam greeted him with a bright, if hesitant, smile. "So what kind of hungry are you, steak and chips or all you can eat pizza?" He gave Shepard the once over before looking him in the eyes but Sheppard must've been giving high level fuck off vibes because he quickly looked away again. He didn't reach for Sheppard or try to touch him, just whipped around to the other side of his desk to pack up his things and then stood politely at the door while he waited for Sheppard to exit.
Sheppard tried to calm himself down, cursing himself for letting his nerves show. He could feel the chasm of space between them widening as they made their way through the checkpoints and up to ground level. He shouldn't have come, he knew this is what it would be like. But Cam had sounded so normal over the phone, and Teyla had implied everything was all good so John had pushed his anxiety down and gone with it.
But he wasn't over it. He hadn't sorted himself out enough to be normal. He was pushing Cam away when all he wanted was to be close to him.
Cam was always the one to initiate. Cam was always the one who pushed for everything. Cam was the one who put things into words and waited for John's yes or no before taking action. But Cam was also very good at interpreting body language and whenever John was even slightly antsy Cam didn't touch him at all.
John hadn't managed to find the words to explain that Cam's actions were the exact opposite of what he wanted. That's why he always waited until he was over it. His anxiety made Cam back away, which made John even more anxious and it was just awful.
They made their way to the car in silence. John could feel Cam watching him and he desperately tried to think of a topic of conversation to distract him, but nothing came to mind. Everything would be just as awkward as the silence.
Cam drove, becoming increasingly more fidgety as they approached the restaurant. When they rolled up in front of it, he turned off the car leaving the keys in the ignition. He folded his hands in his lap.
"It's ok, you know." He didn't look at John while he spoke. "If you don't want to go out, I can drop you back, it's no big deal."
That wasn't what John wanted. He didn't want to go out, but he didn't want to go back to Atlantis, either. "No." He grimaced, looking over at Cam apologetically.
Cam shrugged. "We could grab something and go back to mine."
Sheppard's heart sunk. That usually meant sex. Which he didn't want right now, but he did want affection and sex would definitely help with that so he slumped casually against the car door and smirked over at Cam.
Cam ducked his head, smiling, and opened the door. "Ok then," he drawled. "I'll be right back."
If Sheppard didn't know better he'd think Cam was disappointed.
Cam was a lot more jolly on the way back to his place, and John found it easier to play the part. Flirting, laughing, dropping innuendo. By the time they'd eaten and cleaned up after themselves John was feeling almost normal. The anxiety rushed back over him as soon as Cam leaned over to kiss him. And when Cam pulled him to his feet, intent on taking him to the bedroom it was like Sheppard lost the ability to operate. He tried kissing Cam again to get himself going, but it was like there was suddenly nothing there. Nothing between them.
Cam pulled away. "Now look," he said. "You make yourself pretty hard to read, and I'm as thick as two planks in that department, but even I can tell you're not into this right now."
Sheppard froze, his eyes fixed on Cam's shoulder, unable to force himself to respond.
Cam had never called him out before. Was this it? Was this the end? He could feel Cam's eyes roving over him as he let Sheppard go. That's the way he and Nancy had ended.
"You're never around and when you are you don't even want me," she'd said.
Had Sheppard run out of free passes in that department? How many times could you turn someone down before they stopped asking altogether and left?
It had been so much easier when they'd been living in different galaxies. Infrequent visits meant less time together meant Sheppard was happy to get whatever he could and if it was too much he knew he was going to be gone soon.
Atlantis sticking around on Earth was the worst thing that had ever happened. Which was stupid. Because you were supposed to want more time with your…significant other. Which Sheppard did, he absolutely did. He'd never let Cam go if he could manage it. He just didn't want to have sex with him. Not as frequently as it seemed to be expected of him, anyway. He didn't want to be just friends though, either. The thought of Cam going off to fall in love with someone else hollowed out his insides. He didn't want to lose him.
He absolutely dreaded the thought. He'd been dreading it for months. Because that's what was happening. Things had steadily been going down hill since he'd arrived back.
Did they even need to have a conversation about it at this point? Was there any way he could convince Cam that they weren't done? The only thing John could think of was Cam telling him he should never stop trying.
"Is it ok if I just hold you?" The words were out before Sheppard even realised he'd said them. And before he could berate himself over them, Cam was back in his arms and pulling him in close.
It took a minute, but Sheppard managed to force himself to relax into the hold, resting his head against Cam's shoulder and breathing him in deep. It wasn't long before Cam's hands started roaming again though and he started shuffling them towards the bed.
John stiffened when Cam reached for the hem of his shirt. "I don't want…"
"No sex, just sleep."
"Sorry."
Cam toed off his boots and shucked his pants. "It's ok. Sometimes I don't either. You've just got to say so to clue me in."
John had no idea how to explain that less sex would be preferable. No partner wanted to hear that. John was pretty sure even he'd be worried if Cam suddenly started refusing him. He seemed ok with it right now though, so Sheppard kissed him. Cam let it happen and then pushed him down onto the bed, crawling across him to get to the other side. As soon as he flopped down, he folded himself around Sheppard, pressing him into the mattress the same way he did when they'd just slept together except the touching continued, long and slow.
He slid his hand all the way up Sheppard's spine, burying his fingers in his hair, then gently scraped his fingernails over Sheppard's scalp over and over again. There was no teasing, no searching for erogenous zones, none of this was going anywhere. Sheppard's instinct was to make it go somewhere just to get that part over and done with, but Cam said no sex and Sheppard trusted him to mean it, so Sheppard relaxed and let himself enjoy it.
John had expected they would lie down and go to sleep, but this was way better. How did Cam even know to do this? Had he been angling for it all along and John had just misinterpreted his actions? It was very intimate. John could see how he probably would've freaked out if Cam had instigated something like this early in their relationship. He probably would've run away and never looked back. It was kind of a lot.
Now though, he felt like he couldn't get enough. Having Cam so close, feeling the weight of him, his firm but gentle touch, it made his chest ache. John drew him into a kiss again because he didn't know what else to do about it.
He wasn't sure how long it lasted but when Cam's hands finally stilled John was feeling completely blissed out. He tried to figure out how tell Cam what he felt without instigating something he didn't want and realised this was probably what words were for.
He wondered if Cam would ever say them.
He wondered if he ever could.
They woke with their limbs still entangled, their heads on separate pillows. John turned to look at Cam and found him staring, already wide awake. He had that expression on his face, the one that meant he was holding something back. John was pretty sure he knew what it meant but he wasn't entirely sure he was ready to hear it.
It was weird, knowing that it was true; Cam loved him, but at the same time being unable to believe it. He was really screwed up.
John reached out and slid his hand into Cam's, lacing their fingers together. He stared back at him as he pressed his lips to Cam's knuckles.
"I'm trying," he said. "And I won't stop."
Hopefully that would be enough.