I feel sad and lonely because he hasn’t responded to my text asking if he wanted to watch something, I even offered to pick the movie because I know he likes the things I pick out. It seems like something stupid to feel upset over. I think my anxiety gets triggered because I feel pushed away time and time again for a reason I’m mostly unsure of. There’s a couple explanations I ponder but I came to the realization how stupid it was to constantly think about shit I don’t have the full story on.
I feel ignored sometimes, I just wish he wouldn’t lie. I think sometimes when my brain gets loud I try to remind myself of the connections I still have, unfortunately I usually end up let down. Which only makes the loudness unbearable. It almost feels like real life questionnaire, along the lines of “will you take pity on a sad lonely lost girl?”, and nobody ever answers it, only confirming the thing I’m most afraid of. Sometimes I wonder if he even loves me, although I remember every single time he’s said it out loud. I just wish he would make better choices for himself so maybe he could begin to understand why I cherish him.
I don’t know if it’s normal to feel this morose at times where nothing is visibly wrong around me. It gets so confusing, bashing your head with a cast iron pan seems like the most rational strategy to ground yourself.
I feel like a little kid again when this sadness courses through my system. So emotional they begin to question what surrounds them. I have a strong belief that I wasn’t a regular kid.
My brain feels compromised. Thoughts and feelings and everything about me twist together in the tightest and paralyzing knot that I never imagined having to carry. No therapy, medication, substance use, or promises could begin to unravel the entanglement I hold deep in my soul. I feel unfixable at times, even though I’ve been told otherwise. People lie, too fucking much.
