How do racialization and sexuality interact in the communities you inhabit? Draw on the ideas about desire and politics in Vaid-Menonâs essays to talk about this.
I considered this question in terms of my own past romantic and sexual relationships. It wasnât until recently that I reflected on the racialization of my own desires - many of the long term romantic relationships Iâve had have been with people of color whereas most of the short term casual sexual relationships Iâve had have been with white people. The specificity of this racialization has varied - Latino, Filipino-German, and currently Vietnamese. But this is a pattern in my desire that I think I need to reflect on and question.
I guess I have subconsciously romanticized people of color, specifically men of color, while sexualizing white men. That is not to say that I havenât also had relationships with white men, but Iâve always considered these relationships to be less serious than with men of color. This might go back to the place where I grew up and went to school - mostly white, middle class. I met my first serious boyfriend, a Honduran, in middle school. Our relationship was one that grew out of a years long friendship fostered through riding the same bus to school. I remember constantly standing up for him in interactions with my parents who insisted on calling him Mexican. I can see now how I romanticized and probably fetishized his appearance and his accent. In some ways I think he may have romanticized me - all his relationships before and after when we were together were with white girls.
So now when I look at my current relationship I wonder if it is incidental? The first thing I noticed about my current boyfriend when I met him was not consciously his race but that he was incredibly attractive to me. And Iâm sure that at some point, although I donât explicitly remember, I did that asshole-y white person thing of asking âwhat type of Asian are you?â
At first he joked about the idea that I had an Asian fetish, which after we talked more seriously about it together we concluded that this probably wasnât the case. But the other joke, that heâs turned on by being in a taboo relationship with a white women, hasnât gone away. I canât say much about his past relationships because I literally donât know anything about them, but I wonder about where heâs coming from.
He and his family are immigrants from Vietnam. Iâve noticed that in settings with his family there is this hypervisibility of my whiteness. Maybe it just seems hypervisible to me though, because I donât speak Vietnamese and my boyfriend is not interested in translating everything for me, and am not super familiar with the culture outside of what my boyfriend has presented to me - which is mostly food.
Oh I have an anecdote. Ok, just real quick. This summer me and my boyfriend went to the wedding of his childhood friend. It was very traditional - I borrowed an ao dai, the Vietnamese long dress, from one of his momâs friends to wear that day. We showed up and he immediately left me with the brideâs family while he went to the groomâs house - as per tradition. I had no idea this was going to happen, but I think my boyfriend knew. He kind of laughed at me when we met up later for the exchange of gifts. Anyway Iâve noticed that he tends to throw me into these situations without warning or explanation - which I think I understand why and I kind of appreciate it. I donât think that my whiteness should afford me some privilege of having practices explained to me at my will or having everything translated to me by default.
I guess my questions now are whether my relationship history is incidental or based on some kind of semi-conscious racialized desire to experience âdifferenceâ or even âotherâ? If this is true, then how can I reconcile this in my current relationship, which on a conscious level I feel to be very mutually supportive and satisfying in all the ways I could imagine a relationship to be? Is it necessary to problematize a relationship where problems are not necessarily visible? If I were to do that, how would I confront my own racialized desire with my boyfriend?