Sad Kid

I’m just sad okay, I only redownload tumblr when I’m sad so I’m probably just sad

[sadladissad]

I got lucky,

My dad doesn’t love me, he can say he does but he doesn’t, but I am lucky because even if my own father doesn’t love me, I have an incredible step father who loves me like I am his own child, I have a wonderful mother who would never let me go if she didn’t have to, I have siblings and step siblings who would defend me to the ends of the earth. So this year, I’m going to stop crying over the man who does not love me, so I can better embrace those who do.

[sadladissad]

The irony is that since this post I have stopped speaking to my mother because I realized she’s been emotionally manipulating and abusing me and my step siblings for years. My stepdad was clearly aware of this took part in it and was totally okay with it, and one of my step siblings who was also very aware of it tried to make me feel like shit for leaving my mom when I did.

[sadladissad]

I’m going into my first Christmas since cutting off my family. It breaks my heart how many people who have known me my whole life are more willing to believe me and my brother are shitty people who thought hurting my mom would be fun, than they are willing to believe my mom actively emotionally abused and manipulated us for years. The amount of people I didn’t think I’d be leaving behind when I made this choice, but who insisted in trying to push me and my brother to go back to my mom is astonishing and hurtful

[sadladissad]

Life update:

I’m depressed and I don’t have a gender and anxiety is ruining my life. I can hardly make it through the day without crying and I can’t wait to pretend I’m doing great when my councillor asks how I’m doing because I don’t want to burden her!

[sadladissad]

When I came out as nonbinary I stopped holding onto the feminine parts of myself because there was no expectation that I be a girl, and then I realized The feminine parts of me were more of a character and that I’m just a man

[sadladissad]

Not sure how I went from an out and proud enby to a closeted trans man but I guess that’s just how I’m living

[sadladissad]

Today my mom tried to fight me and call me inconsiderate

Because when she told me she felt like she would call me by my birth name but if she felt like it she would call me my chosen name, I told her I couldn’t stop her but it would make me feel very upset and disrespected. And then she went on to tell me how I’m so rude and I just cause drama and expect change from everyone, but she allowed me to start going by my chosen name and acting how I wanted and dressing like a boy.

[sadladissad]

Today my sister and I were talking about poetry

Kate- poems are just sexy

Me- like saxophones

Kate-yes the sexiest

Me-fuck me up poems and saxophones

And then we both started laughing and couldn’t look at eachother

[sadladissad]

If I tell you I’ll be here for you and you drop me for someone else, you can sure as hell come back and cry and tell me you don’t have anyone but just know that that hurts me, because you would rather have no one than me

[sadladissad]

Just a personal reminder not to out someone for being suicidal as an excuse for not doing things, that’s a dick move

[sadladissad]

Pretty sure my best friend is just 1000 memes in a trench coat

[sadladissad]

I need out of this town

I need to escape all of the kids I’ve taught, I love them but I can’t keep explaining that I’m not miss Kennady anymore.

I need to escape all of the kids I went to school with, they just don’t understand that I’m not the same person I was.

I need to get away from everyone who saw me before two months ago and can’t sort out why I have a new name.

I just want to be DeeDee with no expectations and no explanations,

I want to start over

[sadladissad]

Cough Syrup by young the giant is definitely my suicidal thoughts jam and wow I’ve got it on repeat again this week!

[sadladissad]

Love

I think when people say the words I love you are overused it’s because the view love as a romantically exclusive idea, but it isn’t. I personally see love as the feeling that I don’t want to live without a person. I feel that way about a lot of people, I will never apologize for the amount of people I express love for because I am so grateful for all the people in my life who I would not want to live without, and I want to make sure they know it.

[sadladissad]

Shout out to my sister

My sister is so fucking chill and it helps me the most.

When I told my sister I was ace she was like okay cool

And when I told her I was panromantic she was like alright

And when I told her I was nonbinary and wasn’t going to tell my mom because she seems a little transphobic, she was like “honestly love who you want and wear what you want and fuck who you want and be who you want”

And when I told her I want to change my name to DeeDee she told me if I really wanted that she would call me DeeDee.

My sister is so fucking chill and helpful and I love her.

[sadladissad]

Today I had the best moment

I teach dance to children. One of them looked at me today and went “oh I thought you were a boy for a minute” and that child and another continued

1:are you sure your a girl

2: maybe your a boy in girls makeup

1:do you just dress like a boy

2:maybe your a boy in a girls body. Or maybe your a girl and a boy.

The conversation got cut off because I had to start their dance class but it was such a great conversation and it made me so happy that these kids were so open about gender and trans things. And also that I pass as a dude and a lady.

[transstuffandmore]

Please Reblog is Your Blog is Safe for Non-Binary People.

[cad-av-er]

I am a nonbinary person soooooo…

[sadladissad]

As am I

[sadladissad]

In retrospect

I probably shoulda realized that I was non-binary a while ago. I definitely spent half of grade 7 telling my whole family I wanted abs so I could be the most attractive guy in my class and I’ve had an obsession with men’s formal wear for well over a decade and I’ve always had a disregard for traditional gender roles. I’ve been saying everyone is a sir since I was about 10 and just in general I’ve kind of ignored the idea of being female or taken it as super optional. Being non-binary and realizing it just cleared up so much of my thoughts for the past however many years