[sadness-is-unending]

all I ask for is to be taken care of this Mother’s Day.. I don’t want to be asked ‘what do you wanna do?’ YOU take care of it. You plan something. You use your imagination to come up with something that I’d like. Make me feel like you want to treat me and spoil me, not like it’s a chore.. please 😓

[sadness-is-unending]

what do you do when someone is too blind to see the damage they’re doing to their family?

what do you do when they’ve got tunnel vision and can only see everything but their family?

what do you do when they’ve been told they’ve only got a week to sort out their priorities before their wife leaves with their youngest child?

what do you do when he paints his life as if it’s all good to the world but it’s the opposite at home?

what do you do when you can see nothing changing within his actions and you’ve lost hope in anything changing?

my in-law family are breaking down. my MIL is about to pack up and leave and my FIL doesn’t seem to be understanding that he needs to sort his shit before he breaks his children and his wife’s hearts even more.

it frustrates me so hard that we all see it and it’s so simple to fix yet he can’t and won’t. I just want to hit him in the face and yell at him to sort his shit out because I don’t want this family to be broken because of his stupid choices.

this whole situation is affecting me so badly and it wasn’t until this morning that I realised why. it’s affecting me so badly because I realised this was my childhood. my mum left my dad and took us kids with her and I spent the rest of my younger years going between houses, crying as my dad drove out of our drive way and constant arguing and fights between the two of them (mostly my mum just going off at my dad).

it’s ended up being that I don’t have a super strong relationship with either of my parents and resentment for letting us have to go through that.

but it’s shown me that no matter what, my children won’t ever have be going through that.

and so now I look at my youngest two sibling in-laws and my heart breaks for them. knowing that at one point soon, they’re going to have to find out what’s happen. they’re going to have to go through those emotions and it’s going to destroy them.

and then I look at my baby. my baby who adores her uncle and her nana. they’re the two people that as soon as she wakes up or they walk in the door and she sees them, her whole face lights up. even though she’s too young to understand and too young to know why nana and uncle aren’t around anymore, even the thought of her growing up without her nana and her uncle brings me to tears. everytime.

I grew up without my nana and everyday I hate it. I hate the fact that i don’t have those memories with her. I hate the fact that when my cousins talk about the old days, I have nothing to say or can’t even relate to them. I don’t want her to go through that.

but at the end of the day, it isn’t my choice. i can’t change how things play out and I can’t make it work because it’s not my place. Myself and everyone else just has to suffer the consequences.

it’s fucked. im even more broken then I was before after a shitty month it’s been and I just want a break from negative news being handed to us every week. when is life going to start looking up? when are we going to find our feet firmly and be able to move forward without something bringing us down? when?

but if she leaves, me and my little family are too. it’s not a home without her and I don’t want to be the one who has to make sure everything stays in order (because I know I will).

[valentina-poem]

[sadness-is-unending]

Some days it just feels like I’m not good enough. Not kind enough. Not loving enough. Not caring enough. Not matter what I do, it doesn’t live up to everyones expectations.

I feel like I’m trapped in a place where everyone is just constantly angry at me for one reason or another and the world is against me. I feel like no matter what I say, no matter what I do and no matter how I act.. nothing gets listened too. I’m just being emotional and grumpy and essentially my feelings are dumb. My feelings aren’t considered and they don’t matter.

These days it just feels like I’m JUST a mum. And JUST a partner. I’m not a person with feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mum to my baby and I love being a partner to my boy but I just don’t feel like I am my own self anymore. That the person that existed before having a baby and being pregnant, no longer exists. She’s gone, she’s got no time to be herself because she invests so much time into being a good mum and a loving partner that there isn’t any time left to be her. I’ve lost the passion for anything and everything I loved. I don’t take care of myself anymore. I just exist.

Lately it’s been really hard. Really challenging and there have been days where I just want to run away and never look back. But at the same time I know I could never because I’ve got a responsibility to look after my baby no matter how I feel. I’m her person. Her comfort. Her safe haven.

I’ve been living in a home that once felt welcoming, felt loving and that I was cared for. It no longer feels like that. It feels cold. That I’m the enemy and that I’m not deserving of living there. Day in day out I feel more and more inclined to leave. To move out. To find my own space. To be able to spread out and not feel like I’m cluttering the house (and that’s on my upbringing and knowing how my mother would act when I put things out of place 🙃). I crave a home that I don’t have to tiptoe around everyday to make sure I don’t upset other people. I crave freedom.

Of course it won’t just miraculously happen once we move out but I know I’ll feel more at peace knowing that I can do what I want in my own space. I can wear what I want, I can decorate it how I want and I can make it feel like how I’d want.

But then I remember that houses come at a price. An expensive one at that. And how could I afford that on the job pay I have? I can’t so that takes us back to square one of being trapped. How can I afford anything when my shifts are constantly being cancelled and changed.

My eyes are bigger then my bank account and my needs are bigger then both but when none align it just puts us back into square one of not being able to do anything or feel anything because feels are cancelled and don’t apparently exist.

2021 please be a year of overcoming, overachieving and succeeding.

[sadness-is-unending]

I don’t find happiness in this house anymore. everyday I feel more and more unwanted and that they’re against us. everything seems to be our fault and it’s always us to blame. I feel more and more like I don’t want to live here anymore. I’m tired of putting so much effort and energy into this home when it goes unnoticed and unappreciated. I’m over it.

[sadness-is-unending]

trying to breathe when your drowning. it doesn’t work.

trying to stay afloat when your tied down to the bottom of the ocean. It doesn’t work.

trying to be okay when life overwhelms you and fills you with stress. It doesn’t work.

that’s me.

and although I know I’ll be okay, right now I’m not really and I dont really have anyone to go too so here I am..

i’m lost and stressed with a baby on my hip trying to fix it on my own because that’s the type of mum & partner I am. Trying to remove the stress of my partners back so he’s comfortable by piling it onto my own and in turn losing my own sanity in the midst.

but it is what it is.. isn’t?

[sadness-is-unending]

Sometimes it feels like nothing I do can make you happy or is ever good enough..

whats wrong? what have I done? How can I fix it?

help.. please..

[sadness-is-unending]

it still feels like this.. except it’s starting to feel like you don’t want anything to do with me at all..

Always angry and in a mood that you don’t even want to be near me. Choosing to sleep apart compared to when you’d be upset that we wouldn’t sleep together.

I don’t understand.. have I done something wrong?

[sadness-is-unending]

Sometimes it feels like nothing I do can make you happy or is ever good enough..

whats wrong? what have I done? How can I fix it?

help.. please..

[myopressivedepression]

[spaceeblack]

[valentina-poem]

[deadbyinsidee]

[never-not-ever]

[br-o-ken-poetry]

[never-not-ever]

[deadbyinsidee]

[myopressivedepression]