@never-not-ever - Tumblr Blog

trying not to go insane. might be too late

I really wish I had therapy right now instead of in three hours. But I guess that’s better than not having it today at all because damn do I really really need it. I just spent the hour drive from NH back down to Boston thinking about my relationship and questioning it. I’m about to pick up coffee and head to my friend’s house who just moved up from NC for her internship. I’m so so glad she’s home and I’m excited to get closer with her but it’s tricky talking to her about relationships and guys because of last summer. It’s a long story that I’m not gonna get into now but I just know everything that’s been going through my mind this past hour that I absolutely cannot talk about this with her.

I feel so silly because me and him didn’t fight or anything, I left his place this morning and everything is how it usually is but ever since he got back from his trip, things have felt different and I’ve been questioning things. Just to have a little background information I started saying the L word about a month or two ago. We’ve talked about that a couple times now because he isn’t ready to say it back yet and I really respect his honesty and not just telling me what I wanna hear. It does play part but it’s not the only or the main reason I’m questioning things. I’m driving and using speech to text (editing this now outside the coffee shop lol) but just saying these words out loud scares the shit out of me and I know therapy later is gonna be an emotional shit show.

I don’t want to end things. I can see a future with him. I’m just questioning if he can still see one with me. And we’ve had this specific talk before and he said he would be honest if he ever felt like that wasn’t the case anymore. Like I said things have just felt different since he got back from his trip. I’m worried about talking about this in therapy and her feedback on all of this. Big part of the reason why I can’t talk to my friend….

Ugh I need to go inside and get the coffees and then for the short drive to her place NOT listen to TTPD 😒… like I started out up in NH listening to Olivia Rodrigo‘s new album, which I kind of love, and I was realizing how some songs are very lovey-dovey and other songs are like break up, sort of which I felt was very ironic to how I feel lately… is it saying something that I went from a wishy-washy album to listening to specific sad breakup songs from TTPD?

#personal #relationships

requiem-on-water

(1) CHUTTERSNAP (2) Vino Li

rosewater1997

im trying to grow as a person and not obsess over my ugliness but bitch! it is hard

like-fairy-tales

By: Dominika Brudny| domsli22

I just put a sleeping pill in my mouth, saw the time and went and spit it out. It feels criminal to go to bed this early especially while my mind is full of thoughts…

I almost said “racing thoughts” but to be honest I feel an eerily sort of calm about all this. And by “all this” I mean my plans moving forward. To sum it up I need to pull back, distance myself, share a lot less. It feels sad in a way but it’s also a very cathartic feeling too.

I came to some realizations and breaking points tonight. While I want to rant and over share on here, it would break a rule. Which I just came up with as I’m typing. I feel like I need to make some rules moving forward. In the past hour I was viewing it as “guidelines”, and now I’m imaging tomorrow morning and playing out the scene in my head and getting side tracked and losing my train of thought.

Not sharing on here, not posting ranting Instagram stories, not sharing with coworkers or friends and especially not my friend who’s moving home this weekend. Especially not her. Even tomorrow, my first outing after this big “revelation” (god I feel like there’s a better word for this), I’m hanging with my cousin for the day. I’m going to want to talk to her about this and honestly I’m not 100% certain I won’t say something but I really really just want to keep things more private moving forward. Private is how I intend to keep things from now on.

It’s going to feel sad at first but I need to this. I need to pull back with so many aspects of my life including with him and that’s the biggest part that’s going to hurt the most. I’ll be vague and say this much: I’m not ending things, not breaking up, but going to pull back.

And I really hope that after I post this and snuggle into his chest I don’t go back and second guess my decisions and change my mind. I know what I need to do moving forward. I know it’ll help give me answers and clarify things more. I need to do this.

#personal #may regret not rereading but I’m too sleepy ironically to do so

I'm off today and headed to his place once I finally mustered up the energy to get out of bed. Plans for the day were/still are iffy but it's kind of early? Who knows... Last night when I talked to him he said he felt like he was getting sick and when I got here a little bit he felt like crap.

He was still in bed so I made us some toast and we just lounged for a bit. Then his older cat started crying downstairs which meant one of two things, either she wanted attention or the litter needed to be changed lol. He said he spent some time on the couch with her early so I went to check the litter. When I got down there she was crying in the kitchen but I still went to check the litter in the basement.

When I got down I went back up to his room to find the two of them sleeping peacefully. I wish I could have taken a photo but my phone (and my new book) were under my pillow and she was sprawled out in front of it and he had his arm on her. I couldn't dare bring myself to disturb them and luckily I left my laptop in my duffle on the floor so I grabbed it and headed back down to the living room.

So now I'm eating pizza rolls and watching Gilmore Girls and letting my man take a nap with his number one girl who was in the picture long before me lol. Any other girl (non-cat mom) probably would have just crawled in bed and wouldn't have cared about her but she's the older cat who hates everyone but him so it wasn't an option.

#personal

requiem-on-water

HELEADES II by Paola Padron

My new hair stylist is a magician 🪄 💜🩷💙

I’m still getting used to the shortness but I absolutely love the color!! Already looking forward to my next appointment with her in October!

Also she’s so fucking cool. LGBTQ friendly and we talked about mental health awareness and she picked up right away on my anxiety and people pleasing tendencies 🙈. If anyone in the Boston area is looking for a new hair stylist I’ll send you her info!

#personal #new hair