[creatinghelen]

you can have a tough night but a good morning. yesterday can be bad and today can be good. it doesn’t invalidate what you’re doing through. it doesn’t make what you felt any less real.

[labcorpp-deactivated20260304]

it’s all about cats at the end of the day

[raylangivins]

[never-not-ever]

So we're trying something new this week where I come home on Wednesday instead of Thursday. Honestly there were a few weeks recently where I may have already been home on Thursday but typically I'll leave my boyfriends house on Thursday.

It's nice being home with my boys and having a day to unwind and refresh my place and relax/regather myself before heading back to work.

Right now I work Thursday-Sunday and my shift on Thursday used to be my favorite (putting up sale tags vs shopping for online orders the other 3 days) but now I dread it and maybe it's partly due to it being my "Monday" and the start of my work week but also I think I'm just going from one place to the other with no time in between just.. I honestly can't think of the word. Oh well.

So now I have 4 nights at my place and then on Sunday after work I'll head back up to NH.

Tonight I'm getting dinner with my Nana and maybe playing a game afterward, not too sure. I lowkey want to go for a walk, maybe invite a friend, I don't know.

But later on tonight when I'm home for the night I'm going to do some deep cleaning. Sweeping, swiffering, cleaning off the counters and sink. I want to or maybe I'll save it for another day, move my bedroom and living room furniture around, make a nice change.

Tomorrow I have an appointment at 2:30 and then work 4-9.

Friday morning I'm getting breakfast with my friend and then I have work 12-6:30 and then I go to the boys for RuPauls.

Saturday I'm working 12-7. No plans before or after maybe I'll do a little Instacart.

Sunday I'm working 11-5 and then up to the boyfriends.

[never-not-ever]

Last night was another bad night but we had a good morning so I'm trying to hold on to that.

I've always been aware that you can't think yourself into a happy mood, that sometimes there's no reason for feeling sad. I think my current life is really proving this point and it's so frustrating cause normally circumstances in my life influence my mood and depression but lately taking a step back, things are pretty great but my mood or moods I should say are complete shit. I feel so low and sad sometimes and there's no reason. Especially when I'm in such a supportive and healthy relationship. I don't want this to become our normal. I don't want to push him away and burn him out.

At the end of last nights breakdown I told him how I'm going to see a psychiatrist again and talk about sleep meds and a mood stabilizer. He supports this and hopes it'll help. When I realized that it's like a little over two weeks away he said "we'll get through it together".

[descentintoentropy]

[crimsolyn]

I think the purest form of love is just wanting someone to notice life with you. "taste this. look at that. hear this song." again and again. until you can't imagine noticing life without them.

[remanence-of-love]

[never-not-ever]

One day you’re at your boyfriend’s parents house playing Poker and drinking and it’s not the same person you were with 5 years ago and it’s weird but it also feels really really good.

[never-not-ever]

I think it’s back. I can’t explain it but it’s not full blown right now, just slowly seeping in.

And I’m kind of terrified.

[never-not-ever]

It amazes me how I'll start a text post with the full intention of posting it. I'll type my heart away and the longer it gets the less I feel the need to post it. It's like just writing it gets it off my chest. I have so many things in my drafts cause of this.

[watchoutforintellect]

But it was a May afternoon and with its perfume the fresh air was an open flower. So she thought it was marvelous and strange to be walking the streets—with the wind ruffling her hair. She couldn’t remember when she’d last been alone, with just herself.

Clarice Lispector, from Complete Stories; “Beauty and the Beast or a Wound too Great,”

[minimalistquotes]

Perhaps if I make myself write I shall find out what is wrong with me.

[never-not-ever]

I just want to call out of work, cancel plans and stay at home with my boys for the next few days. Like honestly, today was rough and I just want and need to disappear for a little while.

[donnainnominata]

Some pages from my book of pressed flowers

[oxexxx]

Feeling the war inside me a little too hard today

[never-not-ever]

I wish I could hit pause and just stay in this moment forever. Laying next to this man who has so much patience and kindness, who cares about me and reassures me when my mind is at war with myself. Can’t I just stay in this moment and forget about all the other stresses?

I have the relationship I’ve been dreaming of and the dominant, stern, kind, funny, sarcastic, caring man I’ve been searching for. This part of my life is perfect. I just wish I wasn’t so insecure and uncomfortable with my body. Some other life stresses are playing their part and this man is keeping me grounded and reminding me of the good. Honestly when I’m laying in his arms at night I can let go of everything else. I can untangle the mess of thoughts and breathe a sigh of relief because at the end of the day I have him. He genuinely makes everything better. I can get through everything else because I have him.