Having Productive Arguments = Having Safe Spaces
Preface: I may not know what I’m talking about. I don’t have a degree in sociology or psychology (I have one in “media arts and culture” which what does that even mean why did I go to a liberal arts college). But I do have a tumblr, which means I get to voice an opinion, entirely unsolicited and without any credibility. Take my opinion as with any opinion, with a grain of salt.
If you've lived for any amount of time, chances are you've experienced one of those blindingly infuriating arguments that lasts an eternity, goes absolutely nowhere, and in the worst case scenario, deeply hurts you. "Why, god" you probably cried, "Why do all of my arguments go nowhere and end with me furious and discouraged?"
In all likelihood, it's because your argument did not occur within a safe space.
"What is a safe space?" You scream A safe space is any person or environment -- your grandma's basement, your friend Jan, twitter, the setting of Space Jam -- where you can engage in a discussion without fear of being ridiculed, degraded, or otherwise made to feel bad. Nothing is inherently a safe space (my GOD is twitter not even remotely an inherent safe space), but it can be made into one. And most everyone is entitled to a safe space!
You know who aren't entitled to a safe space? Trolls. A troll is a person who attacks you and has no intention whatsoever of engaging in a reasoned discussion. The presence of a troll immediately eliminates the possibility of a safe space. Never speak to trolls. It's difficult to convey how serious I am about this through text. You can't see it, but I'm gritting my teeth and stamping my feet (it is very difficult to type). Do. Not. Talk. To. Trolls.
"How do we make safe spaces?" You cry There are a few behaviors everyone engaging in a safe space has to agree to before entering a discussion (how many times can Ashly say safe space in one article let’s find out dear readers). For scientific purposes, I will hereafter refer to any members of a safe space as “baby girl.”
Baby girl gotta listen: This seems obvious, but it's obvious because it is essential. You have to listen to the people you’re engaging with. And not the sort of listening-so-you-can-hear-when-it's-your-turn-to-speak listening. We're looking for that grade A, prime rib listening. The kind of listening where you’re actually trying to comprehend and empathize with the points other people are making. The kind where you ask questions if you're confused, and allow them to explain themselves without interruption.
Baby girl gotta be patient: People in your space are going to say things you don't agree with. They're going to say things that confuse you, or frustrate you. They may stumble over what they want to say for five minutes. But they deserve to speak, and by entering into this space with them you are agreeing to listen. I should also note that this patience has to extend to yourself. Sometimes, you aren't going to have your next thought right on the tip of your tongue. You're going to feel the pressure to respond, but need the time to think. Take that time. Many of us are afraid of silence in conversation (I know I am), but sometimes stopping for just a moment to collect yourself is essential. It's the difference between "You're a dick and you're ruining my life" and "(pause) I didn't appreciate the way you said that." Plus, by agreeing to share this safe space with you, everyone is also agreeing to show you patience as well, so take advantage of the time you're given. Speaking of:
Baby girl gotta have time and allow time: Let's say you're talking to your best friend about a homophobic comment they made. That's a.) not a quick conversation, and b.) not a one-and-done conversation. There are a lot of emotions wrapped up in both sides. And, tricky thing about emotions is that sometimes we don't know why we're having them. Sometimes I'm around someone that makes me angry, seemingly for no reason, and it takes me 3 days to realize it was because they made a joke at my expense that hit a sore spot. Occasionally, we need to be able to back away from a problem, process it more on our own, and come back to it with a fresh perspective. Backing away from an argument doesn't mean you're a coward, and it doesn't mean the other person "won" - it just means you're being respectful to the topic, to yourself, and to the other person by thinking things out more. You can always pick the topic back up when you're ready. You could talk about that homophobic comment for a straight month if it feels productive for you.
Baby girl gotta know when to tap out: Related to that, there will be moments when your emotion gets the better of you. Inevitably, at some point during an argument, you will feel angry and defensive. Now sometimes, with the help of my babies in your safe space, you can work through those feelings. But if you find yourself getting so worked up that you might insult or lash out against the people in your space, it's time to remove yourself. Note that this does not make you a dick. You're human -- we aren't always paragons of love and patience. But to engage in a safe space, you also have to be safe for the other people. Insults and damaging language are inherently unsafe. Which brings us to:
Baby girl gotta be respectful: Above all, to maintain a safe space, there has to be mutual respect all around. No one can be allowed to insult anyone else. No personal jabs. No hurtful words. You can disagree, but disagree with kindness. The moment anyone says something deliberately mean, dismissive, or aggressive the safe space dissolves.
Baby girl gotta know when to say when: Sometimes -- often, probably -- you aren't going to get the other person (or people) to adopt your point of view. That's okay. You don't need to break your life trying to force someone into your way of thinking. The important thing is that you discuss, you share viewpoints, you make reasoned arguments, and you do so with respect and kindness. The more you slam your head against a brick wall, the more it's going to hurt. You're not always going to come out of a safe space feeling satisfied that you made progress. But sometimes you will.
Baby girl gotta be understanding: If your safe-space-buddy needs a week to think, or is getting angry and needs to pull away, or doesn't want to carry on a conversation anymore, you have to be understanding. There can be no demands of, "no, we're going to finish this right now!" or "stop being angry and talk to me!" Be mindful, gauge the situation, and trust that the person is taking this step because they've thought about it and it's what they need. Also, pro tip: the ol'-fashioned "stop crying," "stop being mad," "stop being depressed" trick doesn't ever work under any circumstances ever.
Baby girl gotta know when the space ain't safe: Know the requirements of engaging in a safe space, and know that you are entitled to existing in that space if you follow said requirements. If anyone makes that space unsafe, you are no longer obligated to talk to them.
Baby girl gotta name their feelings: In all cases, whether you're afraid you're going to make the space unsafe, or someone else has made the space unsafe, name it. Feel free to tell @rkelly that you're getting heated and you don't want to engage in the conversation if you're too angry to be patient. Tell him you'll hit him up in a few days when you've cooled down. Or let @natpdotcom know that you didn't appreciate how she spoke to you, and unless she owns up to that, you're removing yourself from the discussion. The more open, honest and descriptive you are, the easier/better your communication. It's like Friday Night Lights -- full hearts, clear butts, can't lose.
Let me also state that I know all of this is easier said than done. Not everyone is going to want to play ball. But with people that do, I think you can have really productive conversations.
Also, the nice thing about safe spaces is that they can exist anywhere with anyone. Even on the internet! In fact, in my next blog post I'm going to make an argument for why the internet is a super ideal forum for safe spaces!
"What? Are you serious?!" you cry. "Have you seen goatse?"
Yes, my friends.
On both counts.