im safe in there

i hope you're well

[safetycloset]

Hey, this is my side blog so I can talk about my mental health, mainly being schizoaffective. TW for suicide, self harm, eating disorder mentions, and delusions, tread carefully and take care of yourself. I'll have a positive tag and I'll try to tag things that are potentially triggering. (the "purse" tag means "personal")

update: no longer using "purse" bc i realized it's probably showing up when people actually just want to look at purses, sorry!

[safetycloset]

i want to kill myself

[safetycloset]

i’ve been in job hunting purgatory for a while and i feel bad that my friends who are my age a lot of them have apartments, but literally all of them either 1. their parent is their landlord and they get free rent, or 2. their parents help pay/pay all of their rent. idk it’s kind of messing me up comparing myself to people whose parents will help their rent when mine have repeatedly reminded me that they will not. and i dont expect that of them, im not really upset about the fact that they can’t help me! idk it makes me feel better remembering that we don’t come from the same situations, im not “behind” i’m just idk i dont come from a rich family

[safetycloset]

too many pictures taken today i dont want to eat tomorrow

[safetycloset]

im four years clean and yet every time im anxious i want to kill myself and cut cut cut

[everybdysgf]

life just be so peaceful fr when u stay to urself & mind ur own

[safetycloset]

when i try to tell people im suicidal and i get various versions of "hahahahaha same lol" back. no you dont get it. also nobody understands my stalking trauma our trauma is not comparable you have no idea what it's like to grab the closest weapon you can find and hide in your closet until he either comes inside or leaves

[safetycloset]

one of my meds is possibly causing my double vision > we’re lowering the dose of one of my mood stabilizers > i had a redbull today because i have been having trauma nightmares > i feel so so so bad and weird and im so worried that im going to lose my mind

i was going to end the post here but i need to make a plan for the rest of today (it’s 4:36 pm as I’m writing this)

1. drink a lot of water

2. tea or hot chocolate (something comforting)

3. knit sweater

4. go on a walk get all the bad feelings out

5. dont self harm (dont even think about it)

6. dont bother anyone with this nobody wants to deal with you right now

[leefi]

[gay-impressionist]

If you are silent about your pain they'll kill you and say you enjoyed it - Zora Neale Hurston

[safetycloset]

time to stop eating again

[sheabutterbitch]

[safetycloset]

i have covid and im so worried my uncle is carrying it and will give it to his dad who just got surgery and that his dad will die, he doesn't think it exists and isnt being careful

[safetycloset]

i went on this walk and i told my mom like, off-handedly and not asking for permission because i am 20 that i am going on a walk and i said like "normally it's like an hour and a half idk" but so on my way back i started talking with a lady for a while and my mom called me 12 times and i texted her over and over "im ok" "im ok" "im ok im talking to someone" and she read all these and threatened to call the cops. i answered one of her calls and i said ive been texting you that im ok, did you not read my texts? and she said she did but that didnt stop her. i got home and my mom said she thought that someone kidnapped me and took my phone and was texting her. 

so today i went on a walk because ive been very anxious lately and then had a nice talk with a cool lady and then my mom threatened to call the cops on me because i texted her "im fine" "im ok" etc

[safetycloset]

when i was really psychotic i was so scared that my pupils would disappear because that would prove that im not a person

[safetycloset]

this semester i have multiple lectures most days, back to back, and it makes me so anxious i want to throw up every morning. i am so terrified of not doing enough and everyone being disappointed in me. ugh ): i cant wait to graduate -- i am a college senior i will graduate this winter. i am so close to being done i just need to make it

[safetycloset]

intrusive thoughts :(

[safetycloset]

what’s the right way to mourn someone who hasn’t died yet?