What I said to my kids today

The baffling sets of words that come out of my mouth as the mother of three year old twins

[saidtomykids]

"Those aren't your shorts, that's a cupcake."

He triumphantly yelled, "here it is!" when I asked him to find his pants. (Because he was pantsless. Of course.)

[saidtomykids]

"You dropped your grilled cheese in the vent???"

How????

[saidtomykids]

"That's right. It's not a cookie, it's a poopie."

Now flush the toilet. And wash your hands.

[saidtomykids]

"Don't kiss the Ford Focus."

We were in a parking lot, naming the cars as usual.

[saidtomykids]

"Stop eating my gift card!"

[saidtomykids]

"Stop standing on the word processor!"

[saidtomykids]

"Don't stick the ball in your underpants"

[saidtomykids]

"No don't bite the door. If you want to bite something, bite your towel."

Bath time makes him bitey for some reason.

[saidtomykids]

"Don't put your foot on the baby!"

Playground as Darwinism.

[saidtomykids]

"Why are you putting French fries in your hair?"

He was treating this as a very serious matter.

[saidtomykids]

"You don't eat nipples!"

Nobody likes to be touched like that!

[saidtomykids]

"Hey buddy, don't kiss the lamp, okay?"

What is it with him and affection for inanimate objects?

[saidtomykids]

"We're not going to the doctor's office just to go potty!"

Seriously, what kid?

[saidtomykids]

"Augh! No playing in the toilet!"

He was in the bathroom too long. I got suspicious.

[saidtomykids]

"No! Don't step on his peepee!"

Granted, I don’t know why the other one was naked in the first place. But still.

[saidtomykids]

"Don't throw bananas at me."

He wanted his third banana of the morning.

[saidtomykids]

"No crayons in my tea, please. And stop standing on my foot."

My foot hurts.