It has been a while since I posted and I am so happy I finally get to share something again on this blog. I have been wanting to share so much about so many things since school started, but I was typically lazy so I didn’t pound on it purposefully so that making content and sharing overly personal feelings here didn’t seem like a chore.
So to speak I just didn’t feel the natural urge to share and I know in the back of mind I was just waiting for something to trigger that. So today, I found something I finally wish to share. It’s my private diary entry from a somehow-private Facebook account I have which I wrote exactly a year ago (8.8.18) as I was just taking my baby steps in law school.
This is not supposed to be self-help or anything like that, this is just me processing things as I go. I do hope however that if anyone is on the same boat, that they feel they are not alone, that their feelings are valid, and that maybe all they need is some re-alignment of focus and perspective.
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Every day is a constant battle with myself. Some days I am confident that I can do this, and I see my self four to six years from now triumphant of this path I'm taking. Most days however, I feel lost, confused and just really downhearted. I constantly feel inadequate as if everything I do is not enough. That I may not be smart enough, that I may not be disciplined enough, that I don't work hard enough. And maybe those are all true. I constantly find myself in a loop of "Can I really do this?” I am 28 years old, is this really what I want to do for the next more than a half a decade?” Some days I just really want to sleep, slack, or runaway to the beach or somewhere far away and even back home.
Am I in a rush? Somehow. You see, while people my age and whom I know have already passed the bar or are already in their final years, here I am just about to start at the beginning. While my friends are continuously climbing the corporate ladder, here I am seemingly back to square one; no more salary, no more means to support my family, or even myself. Here I am again, just like that college student who has to be sent monthly allowance. At 28, this doesn't feel as good as it used to. Now I already have to feel ashamed for having to ask my parents for money and so I almost never do. So I have to ask other people instead and THAT is even WORSE since they don't always require me to work for it.
And then, of course there's always this evil side that gets the best of you that fills your soul with endless “What-ifs”. "What if you can't do this after all?” “What if you fail your classes?” “What if you don't graduate?” “What if you end up to just have wasted your time?" 😢
And then I remember how I hardly prayed to God that He give me a new direction, that He take me to a path that is better for me, no matter how hard just away from the usual trail I've so comfortably taken in the past four or five years. I prayed for this and He gave it to me.
This is not easy, I swear its not. Most days you fight so you can answer recits and exams, but some days are even harder.
These are the days when you have to fight the demon inside you that tells you, you can't do it, that you aren't good enough. This is harder. This hits the heart and the mind and it paralyzes you.
But, He has a plan, I believe and I see that with how things have worked out since the day I learned I was finally going to law school; I should really learn just how to fully trust that. It won't be easy and that's just the way it is. A friend always reminds me "if it's easy then everyone would just be lawyers". It's hard and that's really how it should be. That is the process. Trust this process.
I won’t give this up just yet. Just yet. Everything and anything can happen. I might not be able to afford it anymore, or might not have people who are helping me, or I may run out patience, but for now, everything is still intact and in place. I will fight for this dream no matter how dumb the past two exams have already made me feel (haha). There is nothing to lose, just everything to learn.
To every freshman out there who feels the same, No, you are not alone. We all go through it, and your feelings are valid.
“Di lang ikaw, di lang ikaw ang nahihirapan, damdamin ko rin ay naguguluhan. Di lang ikaw, di lang ikaw ang nababahala bulong ng isip wag kang pakawalan nginit puso ko ay…
‘wag nalang nating ituloy. Let’s put a different ending to that. More like —
… ay kailangan kang ipaglaban.
Fight for that dream. Everything is possible.
