kerosene to feed the flame.

OC. est. march '23. written by birdie. indie & highly selective.

[saintburnt]

independent original character written by birdie. prev. saintburned. themes on this blog include struggles with substance abuse and death. multiverse / multiship.

BIO / GUIDELINES

[saintburnt]

alright y’all, i don’t have my laptop so i don’t feel much like writing here, but i miss all of you and my cormac muse is going crazy. add me on discord goocherareus#6191 mwah <3

[saintburnt]

just updating everyone bc I know y’all care: took a grippy sock vacay. I’ll be sure to reply to everyone’s messages asap. i had a lot of time to write in there as one can imagine so i’m looking forward to plotting and working and creating. love y’all.

[ohisms]

𝟏𝟎𝟎 𝑵𝑶𝑵𝑽𝑬𝑹𝑩𝑨𝑳 𝑷𝑹𝑶𝑴𝑷𝑻𝑺 .    (  a  collection  of  100  nonverbal  action  prompts .   mature  and  potentially  triggering  themes  are  present .   add  “ + reverse ”  to  swap  assigned  roles .)

∗ o1﹕ sender  tucks  hair  out  of  receiver’s  face . ∗ o2﹕ sender  offers  receiver  a  bite  from  their  fork . ∗ o3﹕ sender  places  their  feet / legs  in  receiver's  lap . ∗ o4﹕ sender  offers  receiver  an  earbud  to  share  their  music . ∗ o5﹕ sender  comforts  receiver  in  the  aftermath  of  a  nightmare . ∗ o6﹕ sender  gives  receiver  company  in  the  hospital . ∗ o7﹕ sender  wraps  their  arms  around  a  hysterical  receiver  to  calm  them . ∗ o8﹕ sender  shows  up  at  receiver’s  home  late  at  night . ∗ o9﹕ sender  falls  asleep  leaning  against  receiver . ∗ 1o﹕ sender  wields  a  [ gun / knife ]  at  receiver . ∗ 11﹕ sender  runs  their  fingers  through  receiver’s  hair . ∗ 12﹕ sender  invites  receiver  to  dance . ∗ 13﹕ sender  takes  a  [ picture / video ]  of  receiver . ∗ 14﹕ sender  places  their  head  in  receiver’s  lap . ∗ 15﹕ sender  and  receiver  make  eye  contact  across  a  busy  room . ∗ 16﹕ sender  pushes  receiver  against  a  wall  to  kiss  them . ∗ 17﹕ sender  and  receiver  cook  together . ∗ 18﹕ sender  comes  to  receiver  after  being  injured . ∗ 19﹕ sender  sits  in  receiver’s  lap . ∗ 2o﹕ sender  lifts  receiver's  chin ,  invoking  eye  contact . ∗ 21﹕ sender  overtakes  receiver  in  combat . ∗ 22﹕ sender  finds  receiver  [ injured / bloodied ] . ∗ 23﹕ sender  straightens  an  article  of  receiver’s  clothes . ∗ 24﹕ sender  crawls  into  bed  with  receiver . ∗ 25﹕ sender  rolls  their  eyes  at  receiver . ∗ 26﹕ sender  lights  receiver’s  [ cigarette / joint ] . ∗ 27﹕ sender  is  caught  wearing  receiver's  clothes . ∗ 28﹕ sender  strikes  receiver  with  a  pillow . ∗ 29﹕ sender  writes  a  note  on  receiver’s  skin :  [ note ] . ∗ 3o﹕ sender  wraps  a  blanket  around  receiver’s  shoulders . ∗ 31﹕ sender  runs  and  jumps  into  receiver’s  arms . ∗ 32﹕ sender  shoves  receiver  out  of  anger . ∗ 33﹕ sender  hovers  over  receiver’s  shoulder  as  they  complete  a  task . ∗ 34﹕ sender  is  found  by  receiver  somewhere  they  shouldn’t  be . ∗ 35﹕ sender  curls  up  against  receiver  in  their  sleep . ∗ 36﹕ sender  is  found  drunk  by  receiver . ∗ 37﹕ sender  throws  an  item  of  sentiment  bitterly  at  receiver . ∗ 38﹕ sender  joins  receiver  in  the  shower . ∗ 39﹕ sender  is  caught  following  receiver . ∗ 4o﹕ sender  traces  one  of  receiver’s  [ scars / bruises ] . ∗ 41﹕ sender  twines  their  fingers  with  receiver’s . ∗ 42﹕ sender  barges  into  receiver’s  home  unannounced . ∗ 43﹕ sender  kicks  receiver’s  shin  beneath  a  table . ∗ 44﹕ sender  aggressively  shoves  past  receiver . ∗ 45﹕ sender  kisses  receiver’s  [ forehead / cheek ] . ∗ 46﹕ sender  pulls  receiver  out  of  harm’s  way . ∗ 47﹕ sender  is  found  sobbing  by  receiver . ∗ 48﹕ sender  locks  receiver  out  of  their  room . ∗ 49﹕ sender  brings  receiver  [ coffee / tea ]  in  the  morning . ∗ 5o﹕ sender  rests  their  forehead  against  receiver’s . ∗ 51﹕ sender  plays  a  song  for  receiver  that  reminds  them  of  them :  [ song ] . ∗ 52﹕ sender  takes  a  [ punch / stab / bullet ]  meant  for  receiver . ∗ 53﹕ sender  buys  receiver  a  drink  at  a  bar . ∗ 54﹕ sender  needs  receiver’s  help  getting  in  the  bath . ∗ 55﹕ sender  and  receiver  cross  paths  in  the  kitchen  late  at  night . ∗ 56﹕ sender  twists  receiver’s  arm  behind  their  back . ∗ 57﹕ sender  winks  at  receiver . ∗ 58﹕ sender  is  found  collapsed  by  receiver . ∗ 59﹕ sender  prevents  an  injured  receiver  from  getting  up . ∗ 6o﹕ sender  claps  a  hand  over  receiver’s  mouth  to  silence  them . ∗ 61﹕ sender  cages  receiver  against  a  [ wall / the floor ]  with  their  arms . ∗ 62﹕ sender  storms  away  from  receiver  during  an  argument . ∗ 63﹕ sender  is  found  by  receiver  sleeping  in  receiver’s  bed . ∗ 64﹕ sender  [ applies / touches up ]  receiver’s  makeup . ∗ 65﹕ sender  throws  receiver  into  a  wall  during  combat . ∗ 66﹕ sender  dances  sensually  with  receiver . ∗ 67﹕ sender  strikes  receiver  across  the  face . ∗ 68﹕ sender  places  their  hand  on  receiver’s  leg  while  driving . ∗ 69﹕ sender  pulls  a  chair  out  from  under  receiver . ∗ 7o﹕ sender  catches  receiver’s  wrist  when  they  turn  to  leave . ∗ 71﹕ sender  leaves  an  intimate  mark  on  receiver . ∗ 72﹕ sender  beats  receiver  in  a  video  game . ∗ 73﹕ sender  and  receiver  stand  in  stunned  silence  after  a  fight . ∗ 74﹕ sender  cares  for  receiver  while  they’re  sick . ∗ 75﹕ sender  and  receiver  go  on  a  hike . ∗ 76﹕ sender  is  caught  snooping  in  receiver’s  things . ∗ 77﹕ sender  and  receiver  cuddle  while  watching  television . ∗ 78﹕ sender  throws  something  aggressively  at  receiver . ∗ 79﹕ sender  creeps  up  behind  receiver  to  scare  them . ∗ 8o﹕ sender  and  receiver  go  shopping  together . ∗ 81﹕ sender  helps  receiver  [ dye / style ]  their  hair . ∗ 82﹕ sender  draws  receiver  into  a  kiss  by  the  back  of  their  neck . ∗ 83﹕ sender  is  discovered  having  a  panic  attack  by  receiver . ∗ 84﹕ sender  accidentally  injures  receiver  during  sparring . ∗ 85﹕ sender  grabs  receiver  roughly  by  the  hair . ∗ 86﹕ sender  brings  receiver  to  their  knees  during  combat . ∗ 87﹕ sender  shows  receiver  evidence  of  a  lie  they  told . ∗ 88﹕ sender  winks  [ seductively / mockingly ]  at  receiver . ∗ 89﹕ sender  yells  at  receiver  to  put  their  hands  in  the  air . ∗ 9o﹕ sender  helps  receiver  patch  up  a  wound . ∗ 91﹕ sender  holds  receiver  as  they  cry . ∗ 92﹕ sender  silently  and  angrily  points  receiver  towards  the  door . ∗ 93﹕ sender  gestures  for  receiver  to  sit  down . ∗ 94﹕ sender  pulls  receiver  into  their  lap . ∗ 95﹕ sender  cradles  receiver’s  face . ∗ 96﹕ sender  tackles  receiver  out  of  the  way  of  danger . ∗ 97﹕ sender  has  hidden  an  injury  from  receiver ,  and  receiver  finds  out . ∗ 98﹕ sender  confronts  receiver  about  their  unhealthy  behavior . ∗ 99﹕ sender  proposes  to  receiver . ∗ 1oo﹕ sender  has  just  died ,  receiver  finds  out .

[saintburnt]

‘i feel like maybe if i told him he didn’t have to be so fuckin’ tough.’ he sobs into his hands. if he told landry that he didn’t have to be like cormac; that cormac was like their daddy but landry didn’t have to be like their daddy, and he didn’t have to be like their mother, and he didn’t have to be like his sisters, and he didn’t have to conform to anything he learned from a book, and he didn’t have shit to prove. that it might take a little searching but he’d eventually find what he needed to find, and damn, it wasn’t threaded into the thrills of racing your boxy car and getting into fights with drunk people.

she doesn’t mention that this is the only time cormac’s cried in front of anyone. this is the only time he’s said anything that wasn’t, “oh, it was his time to go.” (albeit, that was solely to console mother, willa could tell it in his tone, in the way he pursed his lips and furrowed his brow.) she hesitates in hugging him; the two weren’t close like she and landry. she never rested her head on cormac’s shoulder or looped her arm around his during their walks home from school. their bond was strong but they preferred to keep one another at arm’s length. perhaps it was more so to do with the fact that willa was not nearly as doting on the older boy—she did not adore his plucky attitude and sly grin and ease of maneuvering his way out of pitfalls. not in the way she adored the younger’s ruddy cheeks, the way he stuttered and snapped his fingers when he finally got his sentence straight. the way he loved her and never made fun of her and always saved the best for her. she admired the older, but never really adored.

before she really knows what she is doing, she is sobbing into his neck, and he in hers, and she thinks about how they would never do this if he were here, never, even if mother died, and daddy did die, and who knows… but she thinks it’ll never happen again. still, she’s okay with that, and pulls back to look at him. it’s like her knees go out when she sits in the barstool beside him. (this house is so much bigger than the one they grew up in. they never would have dreamed of living in a place that had room for barstools.)

‘you think it would have changed anything?’ her tone is hopeful.

‘hell if i know.’ his is, too.

‘yeah…’ she takes a moment to wipe her tears, ‘don’t know if it would have made a lick of difference. but knowin’ what i know now—’

they look at each other, cormac mouths a yep and inhales. it’s shaky, he’ll have to take a couple more. and in the same way she’ll never lean her head on his shoulder, this wordless exchange would have never transpired between willa and landry. it’s a fact she’ll take for granted. it used to drive landry up the wall, the way the two older kids could hatch a plan with a look. in half a second you could be caught between them without having known they had been conspiring against you.

cormac wipes his nose with the back of his hand. next he’s shoving a plate of pecan pie towards willa. ‘eat it.’

she scowls. ‘not if you’ve been touching it with your snotty fingers.’

‘this is what get for trying to be a generous man?’

‘that is what you get for being a snot-nosed man.’

[saintburnt]

*purrs* uwu hehe…. xD hey fwiends ^_^

[thoughtkick]

“I want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. There has to be a way. To care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back into me.”

— Lora Mathis, If There’s A Way Out I’ll Take It

[saintburnt]

i’ve had a fucking hell of a week. have so much material to catch up on & thankfully i’m off tomorrow.

[hellallamerican]

wait! before you go, let me give you the Cowboy's Goodbye *kisses you passionately. with tongue.*

[notmorbid]

don't fear the reaper.

dialogue prompts from don't fear the reaper by stephen graham jones.

this better be worth it.

it's sort of good to be home.

this world is shit, to not have treated you better.

sorry i was such a handful, back when.

you still believe in all that?

the grass is always greenest right above the septic tank.

tell your pretty wife to call me.

what's the last thing you remember? what were you doing?

a monster you know, or one you don't know?

you really are different, aren't you?

and i thought video was dead.

will things ever be normal between us, do you think?

just what i wanted to be reminded of.

it sucks being the last one left.

what kind of bullshit death dream is this?

you said you'd come back, and you did.

it's not easy, being a terrible person.

it's happening again, isn't it?

names don't matter. it's what they do that matters.

we survivors have to stick together, don't we?

my version of reality isn't the consensually agreed upon one.

being smart's not as easy as everyone makes it out to be.

you're never as alone as you think you are.

did you really do it?

i'm going to have to tell them, aren't i?

do i need protection?

souls are like livers: they regenerate until you poison them enough. then all they can do is kill you.

after a while, you can forget you're pretending.

i think i'm running out of lives here.

i hate you, you know.

people change. they grow up.

apology accepted. i wouldn't have listened to me, either.

i thought if i knew all the rules, nothing would happen to me.

you don't get to pick your genre.

have i always been this annoying?

you really plan for everything, don't you?

i'm not as good as you think.

there aren't any real fighters anymore: just killers and the killed.

good grief, charlie brown, give it a rest already.

who doesn't need coffee and cupcakes?

if the only scars you get are on your skin, count yourself lucky.

once you start running, you don't stop until you are stopped.

watch your 6, your 12, your 10, and 2.

sometimes it is who you think it is.

it was high school. we were all stupid, right?

ask anybody: you can't trust me, i'm a bad bet. the worst bet.

[mattsundaes-interact]

Garrett Hedlund as Lu Fox in Dirt Music

[jupiter3-moved-2-deactivated202]

COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU... independent multi est. 2014. written & directed by syd.

visit our planet for more...

[bluedprintsarchive]

cal holds the joint like they do in the movies. this is learned behavior but he won't ever tell you that it comes from the movies. "i think i did once in high school." he didn't know what clove cigs were, either, until he had a girlfriend who would sage every room. some personalities go together.

"supposed to be relaxing, yeah? it's like some essential oil shit."

[saintburnt]

he interlocks his fingers behind his head and looks at cal through slits. it's always pleasant, the ease of conversation over shared interests between two almost-strangers. especially this particular interest. ' yeah. i reckon it helps. don't remember too well though. jus' tryna get some gal to like me — think i was cool an' shit. '

[holyrots]

he looks like someone with a story, a past carried on his back like stone. rory's gaze travels from him to the excited dog, a rare smile touching her lips, secretly pleased to have passed this invisible test. "cash," she repeats, gently stroking the top of cash's head now that she has gained his acceptance. "maybe he just knows the world's usually a mean place. he seems sweet, really. was he a stray?"

[saintburnt]

it makes him smile, a little bit, that the stranger cash has taken a liking to gives him the benefit of the doubt. based on looks alone, it's not something either dog nor man have grown accustomed to. she's kind for that, he thinks, but says nothing of it. he watches her pet cash for a few short moments before replying.

"it is pretty damn mean, ain't it?" another puff. "found him on the side of the interstate. been bothering me ever since. you got one?"

[fasciinating]

                        Abstract color reflects off the curves of Spock’s lenses when he turns. He did not think the comment was meant for him as close as they are, separated by only respectable distance. But he answers, lips slightly quirked and his voice steady, “ Some of what is being showcased today could be considered exemplary of human innovation. ” A placative statement. Although, as the youngest of his siblings himself — however estranged — the need for personal freedom from their shadows, is something he can understand, “ I gather you are not here for the science fair? ”

[saintburnt]

cormac cocks a brow at the gentleman for a millisecond, taken aback at his somewhat peculiar diction, a fact that's indicative of cormac's own lack of college experience. peculiar, but not unappealing. he nods at the question and throws a look over his shoulder, back to his sister. ' here for her. we were talkin' about freemasons earlier. i was just bullshittin'. ' a vague gesture, as if to say, and all of this? ' what d'you wager as bein' the most exemplary? '

[littlelovelymemes]

(    *   & .   —   THE  HAUNTING  OF  HILL  HOUSE  SENTENCE  STARTERS

*   warning   :   may  contain  spoilers  for  episodes  one  through  ten .

‘  if  you  were  me ,  you  wouldn’t  be  such  a  fucking  asshole .  ’

‘  the  world  out  there  has  teeth  and  it  is  hungry  and  it  is  stupid  and  it eats  and  eats  mindlessly .  ’

‘  you  listen  to  your  gut .  even  if  it  makes  them  hate  you .  ’

‘  i  am  a  dream  and  so  are  you  and  so  are  we .  ’

‘  you  are  a  looker ,  aren’t  you ?  ’

‘  honey ,  someone’s  in  the  house .  ’

‘  i’m  dreaming ,  right ?  ’

‘  i  just  need  a  little  time  away .  it’s  nothing  more  than  that .  ’

‘  you’re  saying  it  was  an  accident ,  so  you  accidentally  put  your  hand  through  a  mirror ?  ’

‘  i’m  scared .  that’s  all  i  am .  there  is  nothing  else .  i’m  only  scared .  ’

‘  do  you  think  there’s  something  wrong  with  me ?  like ,  really  wrong ?  ’

‘  it’s  alright ,  sugar .  it’s  just  a  dream  —  just  a  screaming  meemie .  ’

‘  we  yield  to  it  or  we  fight  it ,  but  we  cannot  meet  it  halfway .  ’

‘  i  seldom  am  well  behaved .  ’

‘  i  enjoyed  the  conversation ,  but  i’m  gonna  say  goodnight .  ’

‘  did  you  just  punch  me  in  the  boob ?  ’

‘  just  enjoy  me .  i’m  loving  you .  ’

‘  i  wouldn’t  have  changed  a  thing .  i  need  you  to  know  that .  ’

‘  forgiveness  is  warm  like  a  tear  on  a  cheek .  ’

‘  i  loved  you  completely  and  you  loved  me  the  same .  ’

‘  that’s  all .  the  rest  is  confetti .  ’

‘  forgive  a  girl  for  being  lonely .  ’

‘  there’s  nothing  sadder  than  a  cold  bed .  ’

‘  journey’s  end  when  lovers  meet .  ’

‘  journeys  don’t  end ,  not  if  you  love  someone .  they  don’t  end  at  all .  ’

‘  probably  best  you  didn’t  say  anything  to  them .  ’

‘  i’m  asking  you  to  love  me  hard  for  the  next  few  minutes .  ’

‘  i’m  gonna  jump  and  i’m  asking  you  to  hold  my  hand  while  i’m  falling .  ’

‘  i  have  something  that  i  have  to  tell  you ,  but  i  need  you  to  remember  when  i  do  that  i  love  you .  ’

‘  i  wish  i  would’ve  loved  you  better .  ’

‘  pandas  don’t  like  macaroni .  ’

‘  i’m  just  floating  in  this  ocean  of  nothing  and  i  wonder  if  this  is  it ,  this  is  what  death  is .  ’

‘  i  wonder  if  this  is  what  death  is ,  just  out  there  in  the  darkness ,  just  darkness  and  numbness  and  alone .  ’

‘  i  wondered  if  that’s  what  they  felt ,  just  numb  and  nothing  and  alone .  ’

‘  he  was  a  light  in  the  darkness .  he  was  a  life  preserver  in  the  ocean .  ’  

‘  i  reached  for  him  because  i  had  to  feel  something .  i  had  to  feel  anything .  ’

‘  god ,  i’m  so  glad  i  did  it  though .  thank  god  it  worked .  ’

‘  i  felt  scared .  so  fucking  scared .  ’

‘  honestly  i  had  to  do  it  because  it  felt  better  than  feeling  nothing .  ’

‘  that  thorough  fucking  shame  was  so  much  better  than  that  horrible  empty  feeling .  ’

‘  you  have  to  live .  ’

‘  i  don’t —  i  don’t  know  how  to  do  this  without  you .  ’

‘  i  learned  a  secret  :  there  is  no  without .  i  am  not  gone .  i  am  scattered  into  so  many  pieces ,  sprinkled  on  your  life  like  new  snow .  ’

‘  when  we  die ,  we  turn  into  stories  and  every  time  someone  tells  one  of  those  stories  it’s  like  we’re  still  here .  ’

‘  we’re  all  stories  in  the  end .  ’

‘  you’re  supposed  to  protect  me ,  but  you  say  the  meanest  things  to  me  when  i  try  to  tell  you  things .  ’

‘  that  was  really  wild  stuff .  ’

‘  that  was  really  wild  stuff  considering  you  were  asleep  for ,  what ,  like…  ninety-nine  percent  of  it ?  ’

‘  i’m  sorry .  i  should  have  made  more  of  an  effort  with  you .  ’

‘  you  tried  the  best  that  you  could .  i  should’ve  met  you  halfway .  ’

‘  people  fuck  up .  i  guess  you  don’t  get  that  —  you  really  don’t  get  it  until  you  fuck  up .  really  fuck  up .  ’

‘  i  felt…  nothing .  just  nothing .  and  it  spread  everywhere  in  me ,  this  nothing ,  until  i  couldn’t  feel  anything  anymore .  i  was  just  this  dark ,  empty  black  hole .   ’

‘  i  felt  nothing  and  so  i  drank  and  i  drank  and  nothing  worked .  i  couldn’t  feel  anything .  ’

[mattsundaes-interact]

Garrett Hedlund as Lu Fox Dirt Music (2019)