Nicotine Nightmare

I'm living life with no R E G R E T SPrivate OC RoleplayTW: Heavy Drug Use

[salemslittlesadist]

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

He was practically shouting. He couldn’t focus. The world was flashing with light, spinning and glowing. “FUCK,” he exclaimed louder, halting in his tracks. With more force than necessary, he shoved his palm against his nose and breathed in sharply, trying to dispel the great burning housed there. Choppy, choppy, choppy. None of his thoughts connected. Everything seemed so fragmented and broken, and yet so wonderful. 

Or at least, in his head it was wonderful. He felt like he was on top of the world, like all of the truths mankind had ever sought were right on the tip of his tongue. His body reacted poorly and out of sync with these thoughts, and settled for pacing and pawing at his cheeks and throat. “They told me I sing with my throat. I don’t sing with my throat. I know that’s a lie. Why would they lie to me?” 

Abruptly, he turned, fingers jabbing at his temple, pointing to himself, aggressively pounding on the side of his skull. “I sing with my mind. I’m a fucking GOD. I SING WITH MY GODDAMN MIND.” Lilith, who had been the unfortunate pooch left to keep her master company on this powdery binge, simply watched him as he shouted her direction. 

“Can’t believe they would lie to me. Don’t they know I can smell lies? They smell like blood. People always smell like blood. Maybe they’d stop lying if I took they’re blood, then they couldn’t smell like lies.” It was back to pacing and fidgeting, fidgeting and pacing, walking ruts into the hardwood floor. 

It had hit him hard this time. Having gone so long without his favorite vice, the tolerance had weakened, and he found himself lost to the powerful high. He would come down eventually, and he knew this somewhere deep in the recesses of his mind, but currently his only focus was trying to find something to do with his body that would get rid of all that extra energy. Unfortunately, most activities required an attention span–which Alakai completely lacked for the time being. And so he settled for pacing, which is what he’d been doing for an hour, and what he’d apparently be doing for another hour to come. 

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.”

[salemslittlesadist]

Still one of my favorite commissions of Alakai!!! Had to repost since it’s a new blog <3

[salemslittlesadist]

what is your anger type?

Consuming

You have the right morals. You don't want to lose your temper but it is your greatest flaw. It's claws grip you and choke you out until it has it's way with you. If you can remove yourself from the situation before that happens you will find sanctuary. If not, the devastation you can cause is unrivalled. You will not explode on everything around you. Rather, ALL of your anger, that has been bottled will explode on the one person who happened to trigger it. They will not stand a chance against your temper. You have the devil in you. You cannot tame it but you can walk away before it shows it's face. The cursed ones.

tagged by;; Stolen tbh!!

tagging;; Whoever wants to do the thing!!

[wolfsteps]

i wanna be drunk, smoking a cigarette at 1am on a balcony, looking down to the crowded shiny city, while you’re waiting for me in the bed. 

[salemslittlesadist]

a-misunderstanding-my-love:

[text] Since when have we talked

[text] I’m in the Hotel Max. It isn’t necessarily my little flat in San Fransisco, but it works for what I need. 

[text] I should not have messaged you, this isn’t dire

[text] I’m the one in the bed covered in sheet music

    [sms] we havent     [sms] but now is as good a time to start as any

    [sms] im glad you did though

    [sms] only sheet music? ;)     [sms] sorry probably not the time for jokes huh

[salemslittlesadist]

a-misunderstanding-my-love:

Nicolas shrugged. He wasn’t sure if Kai meant sharing his blood or his history–and he couldn’t truly share one without sharing the other. And he’d be damned if he did either without Kai shedding some of that exterior shell, even just a little. 

He felt himself give in, though, as Kai’s arm slung around his shoulders and that deep and beautiful laugh wrapped itself around his brain. It had been a damn rough night, hadn’t it? “Give me your goddamn keys, then. I’m not fighting you later once you’re laced with rye.” 

He slipped his arm around Kai’s waist and stepped forward with him towards the nearby bar. He’d by Kai a whiskey and find himself a mortal too drunk to notice a Little Drink. Maybe they both would feel some level of ‘better.’ 

    “Sir-yes-sir,” Kai laughed warmly, more naturally than before. It was still strange to him how Nicolas had the ability to set him on edge so easily, but also bring him back down just the same. Unwilling to dwell on it, Kai fished the key-ring from the pocket of his skin-tight pants. “Now don’t hurt the car -- it’d be a bitch to replace it.” 

    He leaned into Nicolas as they moved, allowing himself to be torn away only when presented with a bar stool. He’d fed recently enough that the alcohol would absorb into his system, though it was unlikely he’d get anything more than a buzz from it. Another mortal drink to top him off would solve the problem -- but he was unsure if it was worth the trouble at this point. 

    “So, if we ain’t sharin’ secrets, just what do we talk about? I don’t think we’ve ever had the pleasure of a simple casual conversation, to be honest.” 

[salemslittlesadist]

@a-misunderstanding-my-love:

Nicolas almost growled at the nickname. “Only if you goddamn stop using that name–” then saw the look on Kai’s face and stopped himself. “What the fuck is the matter?” He came forward, quickly, his left hand wrapping around Kai’s waist, his right on his shoulder. “What is it?”

    His gaze doesn’t quite meet the Frenchman’s -- glossy and distant despite the full eye-contact. It’s as if he’s staring through the man, eyes moving quickly, scanning, looking for something. “I -- it’s not good, Nicki.” Again with the nickname despite the warning. “Get me out of here.”

[salemslittlesadist]

a-misunderstanding-my-love:

He could sense that there was still a hesitance there–they still didn’t know each other well enough–but he pushed this to the back of his mind as he gave in to the feeling of Kai’s body against his, his hips shifting as Kai pulled him closer. “I tend to ask quite a bit of those I care for, and I’m a sarcastic asshole; you’re going to have to find a way to navigate that.” 

Navigating Kai’s temper was an acrobatic act all in itself. Nicolas had always believe in total honesty with those he slept with, and far more so with those he had any kind of relationship with–to not be able to speak his mind was…difficult, to say the least. 

He offered a small smile. “I don’t put up with you. I like you, plain and simple. And,” His tone became self-deprecating, “I’m not so easy to put up with, myself. I tend to be difficult, ornery, and far too plain-spoken.” He shifted in Kai’s hold. “And yes, there are things I want to tell you, things I want to talk to you about. But it feels like tonight is not the night for that. Let me buy you a whiskey.”

    With the anxious burning in his chest stifled, Kai managed to pull himself away from Nicolas without too much trouble. For once, the fiery Frenchman seemed to have had a calming effect on him rather than pushing him over the edge. Whether that was something to be said about Kai’s newly reformed mindset or simply effort on Nicolas’ part was yet to be seen. 

    “I ain’t about to rush nothing. As long as that night comes eventually and you don’t hold out on me forever. Maybe one day I’ll tell you some of my secrets too.” 

    And then, pulling all of the energy he had left into a convincing smile and deep, jovial laugh--doing his best to sweep his moodswing under the rug--Alakai coiled an arm around Nicki’s shoulders. “Alright, but only if you drive too. I hardly made it here in once piece.”

[salemslittlesadist]

a-misunderstanding-my-love:

Nicolas rolled his eyes, though it was obvious there was no real ire there. “You’re an idiot, do you know that? And no, don’t get angry at that. I mean it endearingly.” He continued to softly stroke the hand in his as he leaned in, pressing his lips to Kai’s. The hand on his hip felt good, solid. He broke the kiss, though did not pull away, his next words coming between smaller, softer kisses. “And I highly doubt we’re salvageable, but I’m relatively sure that’s part of our charm.” 

    “Don’t get angry? That’s asking an awful lot of me, darlin’.” A tease, mostly -- Kai didn’t plan on letting something small push him over the edge tonight; not even with the kernel of anxiety nestled in the pit of his stomach. If he had to, he’d drown it with alcohol to keep from blowing his stack on Nicolas. 

    Letting his left hand fall to his side where he could shake it off, Kai coiled the other arm around Nicolas’ waist and pulled their bodies flush together. “The only charm I’ve got is Southern Charm. Other than that I honestly have no clue in hell why you put up with me -- but I’m glad you do.”

[salemslittlesadist]

a-misunderstanding-my-love:

Nicolas paused, noting the clenched fist. Ah. This dance, then. He let his breath out slowly, silently, his shoulders releasing and some of the tension edging out of his frame. He took a step forward, towards Kai, reaching out to gently take that fist in his hand. His grasp was gentle, his long fingers stroking and entwining themselves with Kai’s. 

“I’m glad to see you.” His voice was softer, now. “I’m not leaving.” He paused, considering. “And I enjoyed that greeting; we should have more conversations like that, n’est-ce pas? And I thought you were sober these days?” He moved his fingers up Kai’s wrist, stroking the soft skin there. “I’m a goddamn mess, you know that. More broken parts than functional ones.”

    To say Alakai was confused would be an understatement. He’d never been the best at social cues, and the quickly changing signals from Nicolas left him frozen in place for longer than he’d care to admit. His arm felt numb. Even when the other opened his hand, the fingers felt stiff -- riddled with anxiety. “More clean than sober. A few drinks won’t kill me.” 

    His free hand reached out, resting on Nicolas’ hip almost as if to ground himself. He was coming back around slowly but steadily, reeling in his volatile emotions carefully. The time he’d spent away had been more of a blessing than he realized -- it was the only thing keeping him from blowing his lid. “Aren’t we both? Maybe if we salvage the good bits, there’ll be a functioning man between the two of us.” 

[salemslittlesadist]

a-misunderstanding-my-love:

[text] Seattle. 

[text] If you get yourself arrested, you’re fucked. I can’t play nearly the mind games that most of my kind can. 

[text] Kai. Don’t get all sappy on me now. That would just be goddamn terrible. 

[text] Don’t rush. Some clarity returning. Slowly. 

    [sms] police don’t arrest rockstars

    [sms] i ain’t never been sappy my whole life     [sms] not about to start now

    [sms] i’ll be there in forty minutes     [sms] you’ve got lots of talking to do darlin’ 

[salemslittlesadist]

a-misunderstanding-my-love:

-long pause- 

[text] Do I have you?

[text] Armand is loyal to me but that is far too complicated to explain over text

[text] [empty text]

[text] Kai I want to tell you things. God, I’m an idiot. 

[text] Don’t goddamn kill anyone, especially yourself. 

    [sms] what kinda dumb question is that     [sms] of course you have me i just said that

    [sms] you are an idiot but     [sms] but not for wanting to open up to me

    [sms] a cop just pulled me over but i gave him my wallet     [sms] you should tell me where you are before i fuck something up

[salemslittlesadist]

a-misunderstanding-my-love:

[text] Not drugs.

[text] Long-term problem. 

[text] He’s the one I usually text when it hits

[text] Though it’s arguable that the solutions he used two centuries ago don’t cut it anymore, and he doesn’t have a room to lock me in, does he.

[text] He could take my hands again and I could dictate

-shorter pause-

[text] Wait have I not told you about this?

-pause-

[text] You just admitted that you aren’t sober enough to drive you idiot

    [sms] fuck armand     [sms] you have me now      [sms] also remind me later to punch him for whatever he did to you

    [sms] you ain’t told me shit darlin

    [sms] who said i’m not already in a car     [sms] whatever is wrong with you is more important than my driving habits

[salemslittlesadist]

a-misunderstanding-my-love:

[text] God fucking damnit Alakai 

[text] I just wanted to get the notes out of my head, they were bleeding into my brain, I could feel them. 

-long pause-

[text] Listen. I’m sorry. I know this doesn’t make sense and is fucking obnoxious. 

[text] I can still feel them in there but I’ll find a way to get them out.

[text] I should have texted Armand instead 

    [sms] whoa breaking out the full names     [sms] if this isn’t drugs then i am highly concerned

    [sms] you all good?

    [sms] i thought i lost you there for a minute     [sms] don’t you dare text that little piece of shit     [sms] if anything i will drive my ass down there to check on you     [sms] you’ve actually got me kinda worried man

[salemslittlesadist]

a-misunderstanding-my-love:

Nicolas surrendered to that second kiss without thought, his hips rolling towards Kai’s. When their lips parted, he sighed, his head falling back against the brick wall behind him for just a moment. “No temptation intended; I’ve never been one to tease. I take what I want to take and I give what I want to give.” He considered this for a moment, his hands releasing Kai and ducking under the other vampire’s arms to take a few steps. 

He’d not shared blood, really shared blood, in a long time. It was not an act that he was wholly comfortable with, though it wasn’t something he would deprive himself of should the mood take him. 

He sighed, leaning down to pick up his violin case, slinging it over his back. He paused, turning to look at Kai, his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. “There are plenty of things I’d like to share with you, Kai. That I’m more than intrigued and willing to…share with you.” His mouth twisted for a moment, then returned to its previous shape. “But I don’t share easily, and I don’t share with just goddamn anyone.” 

    Kai blinked slowly. He retraced his words in his mind, trying to figure out what misstep he’d taken. Clearly, something had come out wrong -- it always did -- to make the Frenchman pull away from him like that. “Frankly, I had a fresh bottle of whisky in mind; but if you’re offering up something else, I’d gladly take it.” 

    Any other day, Alakai would have advanced on him, mad that Nicolas had walked away from him; but the little voice of sobriety kept him from reaching out. Instead, he only opened his arms, palms up in a shrug. “I won’t make you do anything you don’t wanna. I’m an asshole but I’m not that much of an asshole. Just -- let’s just go in, get drunk, and catch up together.” 

    He didn’t like that Nicolas had picked his bags up. It set him on edge immediately. The last thing he wanted was the other to leave only moments after Kai had made the trip out here specifically to see him. Clenching his fist, Alakai did his best to keep the mood relaxed -- though he couldn’t tell how well it was working. 

[salemslittlesadist]

a-misunderstanding-my-love:

[text] Don’t ever fucking call me that 

[text] I fucking mean that.

[text] I didn’t take anything, I never take anything, what the hell is there to take

[text] can you hear me laughing through these words

    [sms] i could name 20 things to make you act this way     [sms] but we both know you’re not me and wouldn’t do any of those things     [sms] so what exactly is going on?     [sms] ps i can’t hear colors OR you laughing 

[salemslittlesadist]

a-misunderstanding-my-love:

[text] If you want to know, ask.

[text] What I’m saying is that wasn’t even in the forefront of my mind 

[text] My apologies, didn’t mean to implicate you in my downward spiral; it’s hard to be specific when I can hear colors

[text] Clearly not 

    [sms] i think that’s a story for another time     [sms] im high and even i know you’re being weird     [sms] what the hell did you take nicki     [sms] cause it sounds like you’re having a real bad time