[saltflowers]

Me again

I don’t have anywhere to post about how things are going so I guess this is it.

I don’t know what I’m doing, and I need to grow the fuck up. I’m 30 and eating the bare minimum yet again because when the going gets tough the only thing I know how to do is lose weight. I can’t stop, and at this rate I’ll be 31 having the same discussion with my new therapist that I’ve had thousands of times.

I am the 70% of people with eating disorders that will never recover. I’m going to stay stuck in the revolving door of recover, then relapse, but really I think I will end up dying from this. I’ve started to accept it. I know I will die.

I’m so sad. I don’t want to be this way anymore, but when I start I don’t know how to stop.

I’m so sad and I’m so tired.

It feels like I just started and now I have to see this through. I have to get to the lowest weight I’ve ever been and then I can stop. I promise I’ll stop after that. I know it’s sick and I know it’s juvenile but it’s the only thing I know how to do right.

It’s the only way to protect myself from men that like to push me to the ground and scream at me while I cower in a corner and beg them to stop. It will keep me safe like it always has. This is the only way, I’m so sorry

[humblebumble]

[louisetakesphotos]

[saltflowers]

“I was going to die, sooner or later, whether or not I had even spoken myself. My silences had not protected me. Your silences will not protect you.”

— Audre Lorde (via lifewithcoffeee)

[saltflowers]

“Your eating disorder is sucking the life out of you. It served its purpose at one point in time, but it’s not anymore. It will rob you of everything good.”

—

[kubrickhouse-blog]

[untamedunwanted]

“Everyone you fall in love with will hurt you and you will hurt them back, the only difference is the magnitude of the pain you cause each other and how much you are willing to forgive.”

— Nikita Gill, The Violent Truth About Love.

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

Sir Charles George Douglas Roberts, from Selected Poems; “In September,”

[vividspark]

ig:seohyeony_

[schnapsliebe]

tragic for you that you lost me

[flowerais-deactivated20211031]

There’s so much more to life than people who hurt you or treat you badly, even in passive aggressive ways. How they treat you doesn’t define you at all, and you don’t have to keep letting those small things consume you. Don’t give them the satisfaction and move on. The universe is huge, they aren’t as special as you tell yourself. There are so many good people you haven’t met yet who will love and support you.

[saltflowers]

I wonder how I can still love you after everything you took from me

[mermaidastrology]

Leo Risings want to come across like sunshine to the rest of the world. They make a point of brightening up a room whenever they walk into one. Leo Risings are very keenly aware how they come off to the world and do not want to take any action that messes up their positive reputation.

[e-leri-deactivated20160430]

but if I stop now, I’ll always regret never losing more. I’ve always struggled with never getting thin enough before and if I stop now it’ll just be worse

[saltflowers]

I spent 2 years shrinking and now I’m expected to be okay after spending 2 years expanding and it’s like all my hard work was for nothing

Now people look at me and they can’t even tell how much pain I’m in and how much work I put in to show that

I need people to see and I don’t care how much this is going to hurt

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

“I love with all my heart,”

— Edna St. Vincent Millay, from Collected Poems of E. S. V. M.; “Sonnets,”

[saltflowers]

I used to say that I didn’t have an addictive personality

cut myself off from drinking, stopped doing coke after doing it everyday for months

I felt powerful in knowing I could stop doing these things

But losing weight is one addiction I can’t seem to Break

Maybe it was just the strongest drug, the other ones always seemed bleak in comparison to the euphoria of losing body mass and gleaming in your prideful self control

I don’t know what it will take

I don’t know how close to death I have to keep coming

I don’t know what will happen once I start losing again, I think this time I won’t stop