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@samallenjennings
Text-Sam
Fiona: Only money so that I can buy food.
Fiona: Through my teeth? I don't know what that even means.
Sam: Look at you, you don't even give a damn about paychecks and wanting to get something valuable out of them.
Sam: .......not even gonna comment babe.
theconnor-evans
Granted, I’ll probably not do anything for another long period of time.
That choice is entirely up to you.
theconnor-evans
I’m pretty impressed with my productivity. It’s quite odd feeling like I’ve accomplished something.
Good, you should be impressed. That's a definite fact.
Text-Sam
Fiona: I don't listen to anything unless it's about food, sex, or cats.
Fiona: Okay, 2 hours.
Sam: You forgot money too.
Sam: Even when I'm not with you, I knew you were lying through your teeth.
Text-Sam
Fiona: I never get my ass off the couch so how would I know that?
Fiona: Um...2 minutes?
Sam: Because I've told you about this like four times.
Sam: Bullshit.
Text-Sam
Fiona: Hi you need to come home right now because I locked myself out of our apartment and I'm stuck on the balcony.
Fiona: Might be dying of heatstroke.
Fiona: kthanksbye
Sam: There's an extra key hidden in the plant on your left. I thought you already knew that.
Sam: How long have you been out there? Jesus Christ.
Do you ever get so busy the only one who’s seen you outside of your show is your cat and even he’s made at you for never being around? On the bright side, I managed to actually be productive for once.
My life has been like that a lot lately. Except it's my wife and her three cats that see me every day. I'm still not ready to be productive and to face other people just yet either.
Hey Joan Rivers, do me a personal favor to just walk out of your grave, roast how ugly this outfit is, then return to rest in peace?
One of these days, this is gonna be me and Fiona when she goes to perform in Gisele and that's when she'll bust her hip again.
Ever thought about getting a dog to put your wife's cats in place?
You know what, yes I have, and fortunately for me, Fiona actually agrees to wanting a dog. However, once I do adopt a dog, I will make all of her cats’ lives a living hell with it in the house.
fiona-allenjennings
Look at you being all nice to me. I love you so much, babe. Still, I have no clue why you married me.
I love you too! Well, clearly I still haven't divorced you after putting up with the cats, and I still think you're overall attractive, so yeah. You don't need to worry about me.
Fiona, call E! TV right now.
fiona-allenjennings
Sorry you married an idiot. I think you keep forgetting that.
Oh no, honey, I won't ever forget that. You're my idiot.
fiona-allenjennings
You know I ramble and nothing makes sense. Did you google that? Or are you just that smart? I can never tell with you.
I wish I was that smart, but I did Google that fact considering I already knew you were wrong.
Does anyone have room for a cat in their apartment? My housemates refuse to look after her and I can’t just abandon her.
Oh heavens no. I already have three cats in my apartment no thanks to my wife, and I'm sure as hell I will never have another cat in there.
They should seriously make eating an Olympic sport, because I’m pretty sure I’d the be the gold medalist. Pizza Hut had a special today where you could get two medium pizzas, breadsticks, and cookies for $20 and you can bet I took advantage of that. Also, America is super cool because not only do we have the most Olympic medals in Rio right now, but we also are first in obesity as well.
Babe, that whole thing you just said literally went downhill in a nanosecond. And by the way, America is 27th on the obesity chart. Kuwait is number one.
