What is life
Feeling restless and need to relieve this energy. What the heck it life??? I’ve spent the last two weeks sleeping to keep up with life but now i’m hungery for it again. Is this small town enough? I feel so limiting and starting to get into a routine. I need a spark. An eccentric human who is not bound by the conformity of the popular beliefs in the area. On the contrary, I don’t want the contrary- someone who wants to preach my ear off. Honesty I want the peace of an open and adventurous heart. I am sick of monitoring myself and trying to fit in here. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and try to breathe some different air. And if home is falling apart, where is my home now?? The answer in my head is: Home is with my friends and family. But they are all spread out now. Why was this so much easier in college? Or was it? What is life???
Do i need a home?? I love security and always thought of myself as a homebody but maybe on the weekend I need at least one new experience or adventure. And honesty not an adventure of here where half the town stares at me if I wear shorts. I WANT FREEDOMMM. Now the mix of all this bibical knowledge is guiding but I don’t think God wants us all to live a dull life. I think I’m going to push away for awhile so I stop pushing Jachin and start pushing myself and my life. I want to grow in exciting ways; I don’t think my heart is ready to grow comfortable in SB. Which says even more we need to wait on children. My heart and head are still in selfish places and trying to process this small own mentality.
Sometimes I wish I could just take people and road trip around the country to expand worldview. With that said is my worldview getting too small?? I want to leave the country again. I want to to return to Ecuador and be relaxed with clear skin and invigorating experiences.
Sometimes is feels like my job has been my only lifeline out here. But then half the time I wonder what I could be doing better and drag behind with my mass of paperwork. And just when I get the motivation to do it I think “Will I remember doing paperwork on my deathbed or life experiences?” *Throws papers in the air and runs out the door*
Bottom line is I don’t always want to be responsible adult. I want to play soccer and not be the only girl. I want to drink beer and not be judged. I want to cuss and yell and not be rejected. I want to live deeply, irresponsibly, aggressively, differently, hugely, and lovingly. There is so much evil and hate in the world and I feel myself starting to hide after what happened to Angela. Maybe I need to just live and if I die at least I was free and loving rather than restricted and crying. I am sick of being of the cusp of crying all the time. I know 100% crying is healthy but I am grieving this change. I am hiding this change. I am not myself. My mood is all over. I am lonely but annoyed at those around me.
I am also not good at making new friends. I feel like I have a lot of depth and am a strange human. So that’s what I look for. Why does it feel like people and shallow or so tightly bound by marriage that there is nothing to talk about but their spouse or children. That’s not me right now. I can’t want to see my friends and sister. I’ve felt an ache in my chest for the last two months and just for 3 days want to feel some relief. Maybe I will be escaping off the Denver every other weekend to get my fix. Is he holding me back? Is he making me uptight? I just can’t wait to relax and feel some peace that doesn’t taste like dust or animal waste. I want my emotions to be acknowledged. So what if I hate muddy dirt roads? They do suck. That’s not a bad thing, that’s a freakin fact.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be satisfied with life. I pushed to get here and now all this. Sometimes I want to run to another country and fulfill my purpose away from all these American pressures and political bull shit.
I know growth isn’t meant to be painless and comfortable. However this growth prematurely ripped me from a good place and put me in a doubtful one. I’m not even sure I can express truly honest how much I am struggling with all this to Jachin. I know it only hurts him. There’s just so must bull shit here and he gets comfortable. I refuse to settle. There’s more to life. I just hope we are right for each other; seems pretty late to be asking that. I feel right when I am with him except lately. Where’s his head? And why do I give a shit since he hardly looks for where mine is.
I want to stop giving off this perfect persona because that’s not me. I am imperfect and I love that about me. I life messy hair, wrinkled shirts. The one thing I do want decent is my skin so I don’t have to wear so much foundation. I’m a 25 year old with volcanos on my face. The fuq that about. I’m over it and want it to stop.
At this point I either see myself mentally checking out or aggressively checking in. Either way I hope the wild ride begins and everyone stays safe and loved. xoxxxx
