Sometimes I see it
The part of my reflection
That connects me to them
And I shudder correct it
And I try to move on
pretending I didn't
Burn an image into my mind
Where my mother's voice
Came out of my mouth

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@samsshittypoetry
Sometimes I see it
The part of my reflection
That connects me to them
And I shudder correct it
And I try to move on
pretending I didn't
Burn an image into my mind
Where my mother's voice
Came out of my mouth
Do you miss her
Your strong, sad little girl
Don't you miss holding her down
Under the water
Watching the bubbles stop
Before pulling her back up
Don't you miss me
The son you don't recognize
Don't you miss kicking me
While I'm down
It must be terrible being a mother
With an empty nest
You are made of stardust
And I am made of dirt
Your eyes are filled with wanderlust
And mine are pouring out hurt
Your tender hands hold a future
My calloused hands make wrongs
You look at me with displeasure
And I greet you with songs
Your voice inspires generations
And mine makes ears bleed
You'll go on to lead nations
Just let me sit next to you, I plead
Your delicate hatred fills me with dread
Yet I'll still look up at you
You are made of stars long dead
But I'm made of them too
I am dirt and stardust withal
We all are intertwined
Entropy comes for us all
You won't be the one left behind
Her heart is calloused now, but it was tender once
Skin toughens beneath the weight of friction and pain
Love is not soft, it is years of laboring without fruit
If I were a tan-tan where would I be?
If I were a tan-tan where would I be?
If I were a tan-tan I'd be somewhere tall,
Cause tan-tan hates feeling so small.
If I were a tan-tan where would I be?
If I were a tan-tan where would I be?
If I were a tan-tan I'd go to a high place,
Cause tan-tan loves taking up space.
If I were a tan-tan where would I be?
If I were a tan-tan where would I be?
If I were a tan-tan I'd be way up high,
Cause tan-tan loves looking at the sky.
If I were a tan-tan where would I be?
If I were a tan-tan where would I be?
Sadly I'm not tan-tan, I am me,
So please help me find my baby tangerine!
I grew up with two absent parents
One of them just believes they were there
Though neither would recognize me in a crowd
I was just an add-on for my father
Something to flaunt to the ladies
When he needed them to think he'd be a good dad
I was just an extension of my mother
A way for her to get a fresh new start
She forced me into the path she never tread
I was a mother to my little brothers
I filled the space my parents left
They call me mom more often than my name
My grandparents are my heroes
Despite everywhere they go wrong
They picked up the pieces of my broken family
I have never shown myself any kindness
Not when I was you nor as I am me
I look back at who I was with scorn
What a stupid and deranged girl you were
I always forget that I was once you
And I'm smarter than I give myself credit for
You knew things I'm just figuring out
I don't want to remember who I was
Pretending it's you vs me let's me hide
And ignore that all that happened to me too
For once I'd like to apologize to you
And hope you're more forgiving than I
Heading home for winter break
Grandma keeps the scale in the open
I stand on it just to have a peek
Ignoring how my brain is broken
Turns out grandpa was right
When he asked if I'd lost weight
Now I've got a note where I write
Down every last carbohydrate
Turning down my grandma's dinners
I'm making my own separate meals
Trying not to smile as I get thinner
Wishing I hated how hungry feels
Did you know your eyes are brown
Kind of a hazelnut reddish brown
I wish I could see me through your eyes
My eyes are a mix of blues
The kind that put a sorrowful filter on the world
Holding up dark and heavy baggage
I wonder if you like the way I smile
It couldn't be nearly as much as I adore your laugh
Or even as much as my heart flutters at your scowl
If the eyes are windows to the soul
Yours have bore right into mine
And I know you see me how I see you
Why would God be so cruel as to give us free will
In all of his infinite knowledge and wisdom did he not think
What crimes have we seen that he did not personally permit
By allowing humanity to continue in this state
Despite knowing everything before any of it even began
No loving God would know of this and not stop it
No all-knowing God would watch his loved ones die
No all-powerful God would love us if he knew
I will not answer to God after my final breath
God will reckon with the free-will he gave me
It's actually not that hard to push me away
You don't have to make me squirm
There's no better tactic to get me to leave
Than my own destructive tendencies
You simply just have to ignore me
On those weeks I'm particularly sensitive
I'll wrap myself tightly in my blankets
And by the time the light reaches me
I will never know what to say to you
To explain why I had pushed you away
Eventually I will never talk to my grandparents again, and I'm pretty sure that day will come before they pass.
I find solice in the fact that some day I will like my body
But I'm not certain I'll be alive when that day comes
I cannot wait for us to grow old together
I love watching you slowly evolve into yourself
You're carefully sculpting your hopes and dreams
Gazing on into bright stars that blaze back at you
I can only hope to watch you walk on among them
And the ingenuity and success will embrace you
But I know you won't be leaving me behind
I'll be working a 7-3, teaching all of the youth
While you're doing bigger things than me
At the end of the day we'll come back to the same home
Cooking our favorite meals in the same kitchen
And even as the greys and wrinkles grow
I'll never get tired of staring into the light in your eyes
I want to take you to my hometown
Point out houses of people I used to know
Show you where all the bad potholes are
Let's slide down my childhood playground
And get a coffee together at the local shop
I want to take you to my childhood home
Peel the paint back as if time didn't pass
We can make a meal on my grandma's stove
Clink our fancy champagne flutes together
And roll around in my childhood bed
I want to pull out my old art and toys
Cause I wish you knew me when I was young
You would have loved to know the old me
If God couldn't save me, no one can.
My limbs shake as I attempt to keep my balance
The pit in my stomach wearing away as my source of fuel
The tips of my hands and feet feel an odd creeping cold
I stumble out into the cold so it can creep into my bones
Matching the weather with how I feel in my soul