If amusement was written all over his face at first, something to accompany the teasing words that had left his mouth, now Sam can literally feel his face fall as realization falls upon him. He reckons every single one of his reactions is probably enhanced because of the drugs, making his emotions more and more visible no matter how much he tries to shove them down. Undoubtedly, Samuel immediately feels like an idiot for showing such a big reaction over something as small as not being able to have sex for a while, his knee needing all the rest it can get if he plans on using it properly eventually. “That can’t possibly be true,” Sam makes a mental note – one he knows he will definitely forget, but the chemicals won’t allow them to become fully aware of that fact – to ask the surgeon about this later. Sure the guy won’t think anything strange of the question, and it’s not like Sam has any qualms about it, being a future doctor and all. “I mean, if I’m not making all the work, I don’t see why we can’t have sex? I can just lie down and let you ride me. You’re good at it, too, really good. You look extra pretty from up there, so I can just enjoy it while you get us both off without putting my knee in jeopardy there.” He manages to smile at the thought, a crooked one Sam’s originally intended to look slightly flirty, but he knows he probably looks like a fool. It doesn’t matter though. His eyes stay locked on Austin’s face, eyes searching for any sign that the younger boy is comfortable and not freaked out, that he’s happy to be here and as relieved as Sam is about the fact that he has managed to get out of the surgery without anything big happening, that he has managed to wake up and still has a seemingly functioning body.
It surprises Samuel more that he feels so at ease around Austin. It’s almost like he allows himself to be more self-confident once again, comfortable in his own skin like he hasn’t been since he was seventeen. He’s definitely not that boy anymore, the one that talked too much in class, the one that dotted over a girlfriend that couldn’t give two shits about him and whose voice was the loudest one around the football practice. He’s not the same boy who owned up to who he was – he hasn’t picked a fight without a good reason for so long, has become the type of person who’d rather assess the situation first instead of allowing his temper to get the best of him. But still, around Austin he seems to capture the best parts of who he used to be, the ones that let him act without being scared of making a fool out of himself. “Just because you’re the master at something it doesn’t mean you’re the only one who gets to use it,” he sticks his tongue out at Aus to keep the next words from stumbling out – that the arrogance is just an act anyways, and therefore it’s not like it counts. Samuel has become too considerate to allow these thoughts to slip out, even if he’s still struggling in that line between being high on meds and being sober enough to carry a proper conversation. Sam thinks of not letting Austin’s hand go, to keep their fingers locked and resting on top of his chest, right above his heart so he can tell Austin all the sweet things that threaten to crawl up his throat whenever his eyes are resting on the younger man. It’s neither the time nor the place for this – such admissions combined with reassurances deserve to be made in a bed, in their bed back at their house, late in the night when no one can interrupt their moment. “Still worth the shot, jaan.”
There’s a boldness that washes through his body, the liquid courage that’s definitely diluted in the saline that is still being pumped into his veins, but also the fact that he needs and needs more at each second, in a way that’s making his stomach crawl in the most delicious way possible, something akin to excitement and anticipation. It gets Samuel to ignore all the things that kept him from doing something before and slide his fingers through Austin’s hair, getting the softest of grips around the locks and tugging him down, down, tongue darting out and licking over Austin’s lips before he pushes his mouth against the younger man’s. He uses of the momentum to slide his tongue into Austin’s mouth, running it over his teeth and deepening the kiss the way Sam’s been wanting to ever since his eyes first slipped open. For sure he knows he will never get used to kissing him, never get used to the way his stomach seems to quieten for a bit only to flutter once more in an even more pleasant way, something that only happens when he’s around Austin. Samuel just can’t get enough of it, but he lets him go one last time, fingers letting go of Austin’s hair and falling onto the mattress with a soft thud. “I expect nothing but blowjobs in the morning, babe,” he finds it easier to make a joke about it than to bring up the fact that they still skirt around each other sometimes. As much as he’s comfortable and he’s being himself again, there are still moments when Sam hesitates before he goes to touch Austin. It doesn’t matter that he knows exactly like the younger man ticks sometimes, and what gives him more pleasure and places he must avoid, it seems sometimes as if Austin is an unreachable being, especially when he purposely distances himself from Sam and the rest of the world. He’s working on it. They both are.
At his cousin’s name he lets out a groan, eyes falling shut and head resting against the pillow. He hasn’t spoken to her in a week, she was too upset about the fact that he had absolutely refused to tell anyone about his surgery until one week before it, save by Austin. His mom is the same – Sam knows she’s probably going to be here once she’s done with whatever she does for the day, coming to check over her baby like the dotting mother she is, but it’s tiring to have two people that care so much about him to the point where they genuinely get offended when he hides something from them. “She’s a nightmare. A pain in the ass. She’s made of bad decisions and even worse coping methods,” and Samuel loves her so much, to the point where he can’t go to bed sometimes wondering how she’s doing and if she’s okay, if she’s not out there getting her heart broken once more. “Oh, yeah, I forgot that happened,” he hides his face against his shoulder, fights against the chuckle that wants to slip from his lips, just in case Austin isn’t in the mood to deal with Sam laughing at his misfortune. “People liked kissing each other in that school didn’t them? I’m pretty sure Easter’s kissed everybody and Daniel almost everybody. He even kissed me and genuinely expected me not to be annoyed.” Samuel rolls his eyes but there’s no anger in it – not much, at least. It’s been a long time since he got over the younger boy’s shenanigans. “Wildest high school I’ve ever been to.”
Samuel remembers being seventeen and being told he was going to be a father. He remembers being eighteen and holding Penny in his arms for the first time. Terrified doesn’t even being to cover how he was feeling in both those situations. In the first one, though, he could yell his frustration out at Christine, he could use his anger as a coping mechanism and punch the walls until his knuckles turned red and all he could see was the tears flooding his eyes. The second one, though, Sam had no other option but to sit in a rocking chair and hold that tiny human being in his arms, keeping her close to his chest as both her and her mother slept soundly. For over three years, Samuel hasn’t known a life in which his daughter isn’t the first thought in his head whenever he wakes up and before he goes to bed. He hasn’t known a life in which he doesn’t have to worry about being a good father, about setting a good example, therefore he can’t possibly understand how Austin feels about this situation. Sam had struggled with it but had embraced it because he had seen no other option, and now he’s grown to love every aspect of it. Austin, though… He has more options than Samuel could ever dream of. “As long as you promise not to try and kidnap her when I’m not looking, then I don’t really have a problem with it,” and it’s sheer naivety that’s what it is, for Sam to be so sure of their relationship like this, but he can’t help it. Not when he looks at Austin and the first word that pops into his head is soulmate. “Oh good, I’d be damned if you liked my daughter more than you like me. We’d definitely have a problem if that was the case,” he teases and hides how satisfied he is with the situation. “Yeah, sure. Bet you’d have the worst time in your life if someone told you there was no other option but try for pediatric surgery.”
He tuts, shaking his head at Austin. Samuel can’t be bothered to think about what other people might say in case they walk in and see the two of them curled up in the bed. All he knows is that he needs Austin in it with him, needs to be touching more than just his hand or his hair, to have that body pressed against his so Sam can slowly go back to feeling more like himself after having so many drugs trying to make him think otherwise. “Then they are just going to be jealous at us for being such an adorable couple and yadda yadda,” Samuel tugs at his wrist again, trying to get Austin to lie down next to him. “Come on, I know you hate cuddling, but I just had surgery so I think I deserve special treatment.”
