Samuel Harris

I'm Samuel, I'm 16 and I'm your average awkward white dude. I like books, science and learning.

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

You’d think that approximately a year on this campus would mean that I know the grounds pretty well, but that is actually not the case. I just got lost again and had to ask some freshman for guidance.

[finnhelps]

Nat Wolff and Shelley Hennig, as requested by anonymous

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

A (Tear-Soaked) Response

Dear Samuel, If you are reading this, then you haven’t ripped it up immediately after seeing it was me.  For that I thank you.  I have a lot to say, and if you can bear it, then you are the kindest person on Earth.  If not, then I completely understand. I want to start by saying that you’re right.  It is hypocritical of me.  I didn’t mean the things I had said in the way people are taking them though.  I didn’t mean it like I was still upset with you the way I was before.  I wasn’t over it because even though I think I was right.  I don’t know if I was right to be so mean about it.  The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. Next, I wanted to say that I forgot you and Mackenzie were together.  I know you won’t believe that but it’s the truth.  I’m human and I forget things.  It isn’t like it’s something that gets brought up around me a lot.  And yeah, you’re right, I know damn good that I did try and kiss you and I’ve been trying hard to forget.  Because I am ashamed for being so weak and not being able to resist.  I know I’m disgusting for trying to force myself on you then and maybe that’s one of the reasons that you have every right to hate me. I guess I don’t have as much to say as I hoped, and I know this awfully worded and probably desperate, pathetic letter more than likely means nothing to you and you probably are looking at it with disgust if you’ve made it this far and I know you probably think it’s just more lies and for all of that I am so sorry and I know you’ll hate me forever.  I’m sorry.  That’s all I know how to say. Signed, Kirby p.s. Don’t worry about seeing me next year.  I’ve already made the decision  to spare you guys another year of me.  I’ll stay in Boston school next year.

Samuel was surprised when Mackenzie said she found a letter outside his dorm room. She had come over to hang out while he studied and he was too engrossed in his work to be bothered taking a break for whatever the letter was so he let Mackenzie read it for him. Her heavy sighs and bitter laughter told him all he needed to know. Honestly, he figured Kirby would be too busy licking his wounds to pen a reply so swiftly, but apparently he was wrong. 

Less surprising than the fast reply was the actual content of the letter once Mackenzie handed it over to him. He skimmed it lazily, seeing the same phrases he’d heard countless times before. “More whining, how shocking,” he said sarcastically as he finished the letter, giving Mackenzie a knowing look. The letter was full of words without meaning and Samuel had no hesitation in balling it up and throwing it in the trash can beside his desk. 

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

[Private] A Letter to Kirby Wilson

Kirby, Much like the majority of the student body, I have seen your interview with Jade. Now, I like to think that I’m a good guy – at the very least, I’m not uncaring or unreasonable – but my good nature can only handle so much before I lose my temper and, unfortunately for you, I have reached that point. See, I understand that not everyone has the blessing of a supportive familial backbone and I understand that sometimes people do have self-confidence problems and I understand that people make bad decisions. We’re humans, and teenagers at that, and prone to acts of stupidity – I get it. But what I do not understand is why you would choose to repay someone who has only ever been patient, understanding and supportive of you by vomiting as much false, hypocritical trash about them as you did about me in your interview.   How dare you. How dare you so freely tell the whole school about trying to kiss me – especially after making such a big deal about me telling Asher – and then go on to preach about how nobody has the right to go around telling people’s secrets. Despite what your self-absorbed mind may have told you, you weren’t the only person that that attempted kiss affected. What if I wanted it to be kept a secret? Who the fuck gave you the right to tell the world my business? When I told Asher, I did so to make life easier for the both of us and you were too blinded by your ridiculous insecurities to see that. You acted like I’d committed the ultimate betrayal, telling me how big of a misuse of your trust it was and then you go and blab it to the whole school? You’re a hypocrite, Kirby. You can’t be disappointed in me for telling one person, a very close and trustworthy friend, a secret when apparently you’re more than happy to share the exact same secret with the entire fucking school. Your hypocrisy and double standards are disgusting. Worse than that – you ‘think’ you tried to kiss me? What are you talking about?! You fucking know it happened because that kiss is the whole reason we had our confrontation! You can’t still be bitter about the confrontation and not know whether the kiss happened or not. It’s time you let go of whatever disappointment you’re still clinging to from that, too, because you have just done the same thing, and worse, to me. You have no right to be disappointed in me anymore. And you weren’t vulnerable when you kissed me, either. I was nice to you and you took that as a sign that it was okay to kiss me. This isn’t to say that I hold any negative feelings toward you about the kiss, because I don’t, but you can’t call it vulnerability when it was very blatantly an act of selfishness. You were too self-absorbed to even consider how I would feel about it or remember that I had made it clear that I wasn’t interested in being with you at that time. And that’s something else that infuriates me about you saying you ‘think’ you tried to kiss me – you kissed me, without permission, without thinking about what I wanted or had made clear, and then had the audacity to infer that it was ‘just something that happened’. No. It was a choice. You kissed me. There is no ‘just happened’ about it. You willingly, knowingly, kissed me. It might not have been the kiss you were aiming for, but it happened. There’s no hiding from that, no matter how hard you try. Stop lying about things, Kirby. Speaking of lies – don’t sit there playing innocent like you had no idea that I’m dating Mackenzie when I know for a fact that I told you. I did you the common courtesy of telling you personally so that you wouldn’t have to hear from somebody else that I was dating her, in case whatever semblance of feelings you still harboured for me got hurt by the news, and you couldn’t even extend the same courtesy to me by being honest about it. And you know what else pisses me off? That question and your answer make it seem like you’ve kissed me since I’ve been with Mackenzie, which we both know to be false, and I think it’s pathetic that you didn’t attempt to clear that up. A real friend would have, but I’m sure you were too busy thinking about yourself to be bothered with how any of this would impact on me. Or maybe you weren’t…maybe you wanted all of this to negatively impact me. Is that why you blurted out the secret and didn’t clear my name - to try and make Mackenzie angry or jealous? To try and break us up? Because it won’t work; Mackenzie trusts me implicitly. I already told her about you kissing me, anyway, because unlike you, I actually value truth and honesty in my relationships with people. You can’t even get mad at me for telling her anymore, since apparently you don’t consider the thing to be such a secret now that you feel comfortable telling it to the whole fucking school. She understood completely, by the way, because she, like me, is a good person. You know who’s not a good person? The guy who publicly says he wouldn’t tell a girl that he’d kissed her boyfriend. That’s messed up, Kirby, and now that everyone knows that you’d willingly lie to them, no one is going to believe a word you say. Least of all me and Mackenzie because we both know the truth and it’s so far from whatever comes out of your mouth that you may as well be telling fairy tales. And just for the sake of saying so, even if Mackenzie didn’t know about the kiss and she did break up with me because of what you’ve done, I wouldn’t ever be with you. I know that in the past I have told you that it might happen but I can now say definitively that it will never happen. Not only am I certain that I’m strictly interested in girls, but I’m certain that I would never be attracted to someone who requires as much constant attention, coddling and reassurance as you do. You are the most self-absorbed person I have ever met, Kirby Wilson, and from this moment forth I am done trying to help you and I am done being your friend. Another place where you went wrong in your interview was when you said you try to take people’s advice. HA! Most of the time you don’t even listen! You’re so busy waiting for your next opportunity to whine about how hard it is being you that you miss out on all the good suggestions people are giving you on how to make being you easier. Honestly, half the things you think are wrong with you or your life are self-imposed. You’re your own worst enemy and I refuse to sit by and be a part of it anymore. It’s exhausting and you’re exhausting and I’m sick of wasting my time, especially after how you have burned me today. I am done. For the last time, Samuel Harris.

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

Reconnecting | Mickey & Samuel

After his talk with Kirby a few days earlier, Samuel had realised that it had been a while since he last checked in with Mickey. It was entirely his fault for their lack of communication, of course, with both his studies and his new girlfriend taking up most of his time, but he was determined not to let things or friendships fall by the wayside just because he was a taken man now. There was also the fact that Mackenzie had warned him about Mickey’s reaction to finding out about their change in relationship status and he wanted to avoid any awkward public confrontations about how much kissing they were doing. More than anything, though, he just wanted to see her and hang out and make sure she was still good. 

He dropped by her dorm, knocking on the open door but waiting in the hallway. “I've brought you your favourites,” he said, lifting up the box of sugary cupcakes he’d brought with him. “In the hopes that I can weasel my way back into your good graces after being the world’s most distant friend. Can I come in?” He smiled hopefully. 

[omarornomar]

I know their calls, sort of. I probably couldn’t pick out most of them. It’s a cuckoo, so, it makes a cuckoo sound. They were very much named onomatopoetically.

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

I guess that makes sense. You know a lot about birds, Omar - you sure you’re not missing your calling as a vet or zoologist or something?

[richkidkirby-deactivated2015050]

{ Open Chat }

[richkidkirby-deactivated2015050]

{$}—”I can’t help hating myself. . . it. . . it’s as natural as breathing. . . is. . . does that make sense?  I know you say that they don’t hate me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it I. . . I even think you hate me a lot of the time.”

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

Not really...it’s not natural to hate yourself. I mean, I guess in some teenage-angst way everyone has moments where they hate a certain aspect of themselves, but I don’t think it’s that normal to hate the whole package all the time. How can you think I hate you when I do so much to show you that I don’t? It doesn’t make any sense, Kirby. 

[who-is-butt-senpai]

Visit Original Link

This song always makes me happy.

[omarornomar]

I know. It can also mean a heatwave. But, you know, hopefully it’ll just be some rain. They’re really adorable though, aren’t they?

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

Yeah, it’s cute even though I feel a little like I’m being judged. Those beady eyes are staring into my soul, man. My uncle can do really good bird calls but he hasn’t taught me one for this little guy. Do you know any? 

[richkidkirby-deactivated2015050]

{ Open Chat }

[richkidkirby-deactivated2015050]

{$}—”Samuel. . . I just. . . . . . it’s hard to like myself not to hate myself. . .”  He whisperd.  “I haven’t even spoken to Mickey in like. . . three weeks because I think I annoy her when I talk to her. . .”  He said, his breathing getting short.  “A-And I hardly leave my room anymore b-because I just know I’ll fuck up with someone else.”  He seemed to be panicking a bit.  “And I spoke to Tiberius one time and that guy hates my guts.”  He said, seeming to quiver.

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

I know, but nothing good comes easy, Kirby. Mickey would tell you if you annoyed her - in fact, she’s probably annoyed that you haven’t spoken to her. And Tiberius told me about that. He doesn’t hate you, he’s just passionate about stuff. Seriously, you’ve got nothing to worry about. The only person here who thinks badly of you is you and that’s kinda messed up.

[omarornomar]

Shh, that’s a yellow-billed cuckoo. I’m pretty sure. They’re pretty cute, probably one of my favorite. This is only the second time I’ve ever seen one.

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

Cool! Y’know, seeing these guys around generally means thunderstorms are on the way, so prepare yourself for rain in the foreseeable future.

[mackenzie-lewis]

Meeting the Parents: Kenzie & Samuel

[mackenzie-lewis]

She was satisfied with her short explanation and hoped it would keep his parents at bay. She didn’t mind talking about them but knew it was a difficult situation that she lived with. Her grip on Samuel’s hand slacked only slightly in fear she was gripping too hard. There was something strange about holding hands in front of his parents but not in any bad way. More that her emotions only grew for him because he wasn’t afraid or embarrassed to have her meet his family.

The comfort she received from Mr. Harris’ change of pace in conversation was overwhelming and she found her smile really reaching her eyes this time. She bumped against Samuel lightly and looked up at him. “I could never deny an opportunity such as that.” Her gaze turned back to his parents. “Besides I’ve been at this school longer. I may know something he doesn't. Can’t have a proper tour without all the random fun facts about Lefeuvre!” 

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

Samuel matched Mackenzie’s bright smile with one of his own when she bumped against him. She was so cute that he had a hard time focusing on her words, but he was tuned in just enough to hear her agree to show his parents around. It meant so much to him to know that she was willing to hang out with his family on a day where she was basically ignored by her own. He had no idea how to thank her. 

“Wonderful,” Rose said, happier now that she wasn’t accidentally offending her son’s girlfriend. “Samuel hasn’t told us much more than what buildings he takes classes in, so your expertise will be appreciated.” 

“You can blame dad for that,” Samuel defended to his mom, laughing quietly as he began to explain it to Mackenzie. “When we had Family Weekend at St George’s, my dad showed everyone around because it was his old stomping ground and he was trying to relive his glory days or something, so my school tour experience is very limited.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Eli interjected, a smile playing on his lips. “Where’s your kitchen? If we’re about to go on a real tour, I’m going to need re-hydrating.” 

Samuel pointed down the hallway behind where he stood beside Mackenzie and watched as his parents passed by, leaving them alone with the promise of being ‘back in a few’. 

“Oh thank God,” he said once they were gone, turning to her. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea they were going to grill you like that - I should have warned them but I didn’t think we would see you this weekend so it kind of slipped my mind. I’ll explain it to them as soon as I can and they’ll never bring it up again, I promise. I know how much this weekend sucks for you and they just made it worse and I’m really sorry.” 

“You’re the strongest person I know and you handle yourself with such grace all the time and you just never fail to impress me,” he said, his cheeks turning pink as he dropped his tone into a whisper just in case his parents could still hear them, “And you have no idea how badly I wanted to kiss you that whole time... and right now, too, if I’m being honest.”

[mackenzie-lewis]

Meeting the Parents: Kenzie & Samuel

[mackenzie-lewis]

Her eyes went down to their hands and she tried to calm down the smile that was on her lips. The sign of affection was simple to others but to Kenzie she felt like it meant far more than normal hand holding. It was how she thought about every sign of affection they showed each other. His father’s question pulled her bad thoughts forward once more but she had no time to respond because Samuel was commandeering the conversation. His mother was staring at her in a way she couldn’t decipher just yet. Kenzie focused back to Samuel’s rant about Marco knowing all too well how right he was. 

While it was a great sight to see the Samuel Harris be berated she also knew that she needed to ensure he wasn’t in trouble for simply protecting her. Kenzie never really thought about how other parents would react to her situation. At least not ones who were friends with her parents first. They always put her mother and father on a pedestal; survivors of a tragedy, and they could do no wrong. But to outsiders…that was a scenario she had never found a reason to consider it. The squeeze on her hand pulled her back into focus enough to form a response. 

“Um, no. They couldn’t come, they were just too busy to come down.” She didn’t notice it much at first but her own hand was gripping Samuel’s a little tighter. “But it’s okay!” She smiled brightly though it didn’t completely reach her eyes, “I don’t mind spending time with our House Mother. Plus I don’t really see this house this empty too often so it’s a nice change.”

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

Samuel pressed his lips together in a sad smile as Mackenzie tried to paint a better picture of her situation. It was far from a genuine portrayal but he knew she was trying to get his parents off her back. He didn’t even mind so much that she was squeezing his hand because it made him feel like he was, in some small insignificant way, helping.

“Oh,” was all Rose could say.

“I’m sorry to hear that they couldn’t make it,” Eli added, putting a reassuring arm around his wife’s waist as he smiled at Mackenzie, “But their loss is our gain. Now we have two tour guides for this adventure, and everyone knows two heads are better than one.”

There was the Harris charm that his father and uncle were always talking about. Samuel didn’t think he possessed any of it, but sometimes he could see himself in his father’s words and that was enough for him. Glancing down at Mackenzie, he gave a soft smile. “What do you say? Wanna help me show them around? If you’re lucky, they’ll probably tell you something really embarrassing about me.”

[mackenzie-lewis]

Meeting the Parents: Kenzie & Samuel

[mackenzie-lewis]

Kenzie wasn’t sure at all what to do in the situation. She had no idea if he had even told his parents about them and she didn’t want to overstep any boundaries. She may not be new to relationships but she knew he wasn’t and had no idea how he handled being in a relationship. Her hands moved from her pockets to her side as he smiled at her. She felt like there was more to the smile but felt like it was a conversation for later. Her attention turned to his parents and she grasped Mr. Harris’ hand in hers and shook it firmly. She watched them interact with a bright smile and pushed off the feelings that had been looming on her all day. Her laughter matched the rest and she shook her head. “I think I could beat him.” Her attention turned back to his parents. “It’s lovely to meet you both. I’ve heard plenty about you as well. It’s nice to put faces to the names.” 

The music from within the kitchen changed and it caught Kenzie’s attention as she turned to glance behind her momentarily. “You all definitely must be having a more enjoyable day than I. I’m helping our House Mother clean up a little.” She pointed lightly to the pledge and rag on the now empty shelves. “Is Samuel giving you a tour?” She looked from the Harris’ to Samuel and back again. 

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

“Me too,” Samuel agreed, giving her a small grin. Asher was great and all but all the Harris’ were partial to lovely, kind, awesome women like Mackenzie. He reached down and took one of her hands in his, loosely lacing their fingers together.

“Well, it’s not a competition,” Rose reminded them, chuckling softly, “There’s plenty of Momma Harris love to go around.”

Eli raised his eyebrows when Mackenzie mentioned she was spending his day cleaning and managed to question it before Samuel could distract them all with something else. “You’re cleaning instead of spending time with your family?” 

“Dad-” Samuel said, disapproving of the subtle change in his father’s tone of voice. He didn’t understand - he had no right to sound disappointed in her, even if it was an almost imperceptible change.

“I am taking them on a tour,” he told Mackenzie, “And I was going to show them my dorm but I don’t know how safe it would be with just Marco up there. Marco’s my roommate,” he told his parents, trying his best to change the subject. “And he has a thing for taking all his clothes off whenever he’s left in the dorm alone.”

"We don’t need to see that, son,” Eli said, looking perplexed.

“All dorms look much the same anyway, dear. Mackenzie, are your parents around? We’d love to meet them, too. Perhaps we could all go out to dinner?” Rose suggested, looking hopefully between her son and Mackenzie. 

“Maybe another time,” Samuel said vaguely, trying not to be too mad at his parents. They were just being nice but they didn’t know what they were doing.

“Let Mackenzie answer for herself, Samuel, you’re being very rude.” Rose admonished and Samuel ducked his head. It wasn’t often he got in trouble from his parents and it was even worse that it happened in front of Mackenzie. Especially when he was just trying to do the right thing. He gave Mackenzie’s hand a gentle squeeze.

[mackenzie-lewis]

Meeting the Parents: Kenzie & Samuel

The house was a mixture of busy and quiet. At least that was when she had first woken up. Kenzie knew not to expect her parents to show upto Family Weekend that year. Which was why she had been so lazy to move out of her bed that morning. Mina had tried waking her but she had been dreading the day which meant all her roommate received was groans and whines. It was just before noon when she opened her door and peeked outside. No one around and she took advantage of the most likely empty house to take a longer shower than normal.

Mama Bell was downstairs cleaning up the kitchen when Kenzie met up with her. Together the pair were listening to music and tidying up a mess that somehow always seemed to be there. Occasionally a set of parents would appear and the House Mother was pulled away. Each time Kenzie become more used to the fact that her parents definitely weren’t going to be showing up. She was working on the entrance hall, dusting the shelves that held books no one I the house read but were there regardless, when in walked Samuel and two people she assumed were his parents. Kenzie froze slightly in panic and nerves but smiled regardless and stepped down off the step ladder she was using. “Samuel, hello!” She wiped her hands on the sides of her shorts and stuffed them into her pockets.

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

Samuel couldn’t have been happier to see his parents than when they arrived in the parking lot that morning. It had been too long since he’d seen them, just on four months, and he’d missed them greatly. They were both insanely busy so the fact that they had taken time out of their schedules to spend time with him and see his new school meant the absolute world to him. He adored his parents and he was excited to share his world with them.

The next stop on their makeshift campus tour was Patrice House and he was slightly anxious as he guided them inside, unsure about what state his dorm would be in considering Marco had been left to his own devices in there for too many consecutive hours. He had been in the process of explaining as much to his parents when they came across Mackenzie in the entrance hall.

"Hey,” he said, happily surprised to see her. He hadn’t expected to, honestly, because he knew what days like today meant to her and if it was him, he’d probably want to hide away from it all. But Mackenzie was a lot stronger than he was and she was braving the world like a true champion. He couldn’t help but smile at that realisation and he had to fight the urge to hug her. But that made him uncertain of how to proceed. He wanted all his favourite people to meet but what if she was uncomfortable with it? What if it was too soon in their relationship to meet the parents? What if it just made her sad? Behind him, his father cleared his throat as an awkward silence fell over them.

“Right, yeah,” Samuel stuttered, “Um. Parents, this is Mackenzie. Mackenzie - parents.”

His parents shared a knowing glance before his father extended his hand, correcting Samuel’s pathetic attempt at an introduction. “I’m Eli Harris and this is my wife, Rose.”

“It’s so nice to finally meet you, Mackenzie,” Rose said with a smile, “Samuel has told us a lot about you so I was secretly hoping we’d bump into you somewhere along the way. You and Asher - he’s such a sweet boy.”

“Mom likes Asher more than she likes me,” Samuel joked to Mackenzie, trying to keep the conversation light. "And she’ll probably like you more than she likes me, too, so you’ll have to fight him for the top spot.”

[richkidkirby-deactivated2015050]

{ Open Chat }

[richkidkirby-deactivated2015050]

{$}—”Are you sure I’m not that person anymore?  I’m not. . . likable. . .”  he said, looking down.  “I look back on my life and all I can think of are the people I let down and the people I hurt and. . . shit it was only last year I punched Duncan in the face for kissing me.”  He said, gripping his hair nervously.  He seemed to start breathing heavily.  “I-I’m awful.”  He whispered.

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

Well I don’t see you punching people anymore and you openly kissed me - that sounds like polar opposites to the Kirby of twelve months ago. The past doesn’t matter anymore. Just focus on being someone to be proud of now.

[richkidkirby-deactivated2015050]

{ Open Chat }

[richkidkirby-deactivated2015050]

{$}—”Sam, I’m annoying.”  He began.  “I know that I’ve made everyone uncomfortable, and that’s just the start of it all.  I’m also a total douchebag I even used to fight people just so they wouldn’t get close to me. . . I know that I’m unwanted here. . . and at home. . . or in the Boston Public School System. . . I hate myself because I’m an awful person that doesn’t belong anywhere.”  He said, his voice growing shakier and his eyes remaining at his feet.

[samuelharrisstuff-blog]

What? No. That’s not true, Kirby. Do you think awful people have friends like Mickey? Do you think unwanted people are actively pursued by Vincent Dean? And you’ve never made me uncomfortable; not even once. As for your home life, half the people at this school aren’t wanted at home. I think that’s what makes everyone so close - because in some way or other, we’re all the same. Don’t hate yourself, dude, especially not for the things you’ve done in the past. You’re not that guy anymore.