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@samuelvans
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Am I doing Canada right, yet?
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lovin’ him was red.
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I told Stacy I was doing this and she said “WHY would you do that to yourself.” And I thought, yeah Sam; why would you dredge up all those horrible feelings you had? Easy. Because even though it was one of the worst times in my life, it made me stronger. It made us all stronger. It brought all of us together again and it made start writing again. I may be lucky enough to get Kurt back, but not every is. So, this #throwbackthursday is dedicated to everyone who has lost someone way too early.
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where i keep my heart || kurt + sam
kurtsstillhere:
Kurt remembered dying.
He remembered dying so vividly. The terror and heartache that had filled him. Leaving Sam, leaving everyone he loved in such a horrible way.. It had been a devastating way to die. His eyes opening to the darkness of the woods and the cold weather he was definitely unprepared for was shocking and he’d scrambled to his feet and just started running. He just wanted to go home, collapse into Sam’s arms and pretend this had never happened. His husband. God, was his husband okay? What if the thing that had gotten to him, had gotten to Sam? The thought had bile rising to his throat and he pushed back the fear.
His senses were so overwhelmed. Adrenaline, maybe? In any case, it felt like it took no time at all to end up in front of the home his father had bought for him and Sam as a wedding present. It looked the same.. However, he knew inside it was probably another story. What would he find? Who would he find? He wasn’t sure how long he’d been gone… What if Sam and Sabrina didn’t even live here anymore?
Kurt Evans wasn’t a coward. He couldn’t just run away and not face whatever he’d find. Making his way up the walkway, he closed his eyes to try to calm himself, then knocked on the door. He just hoped his husband would be on the other side. He hoped he was safe.
It hurt. It really, really hurt. It didn't hurt as much as it did before, but every now and then, Sam wanted to break down and cry. He wanted to run away nearly every day; forget his life in Toronto, forget his life in Ohio even and just run away. To a place that didn't remind him everyday of the love of his life not being with him anymore. While it was true that life was a little bit easier now that he stopped shutting people out, nothing would be the same without Kurt. Life would go on, sure, but it would never be the same. He wanted to move out so many times, to move far away from the place he found his husbands dead, lifeless body. But he couldn't. He didn't want to make Sabrina move just because of him, and he couldn't do that to Burt and Carole-- who had spent their hard earn money to buy them their first house. And he couldn't deny that he still had that glimmer of hope this was all a dream; that one day he'd wake up to Kurt blasting Lady Gaga.
But his dreams didn't always come true, so he thought. He had seen the news, the social media, of others who had died suddenly coming back. He had stayed up all night the night before, straight into the morning, wishing for a knock on that door. But night had turned into day had turned back into night and that moment hadn't come. He knew Sabrina probably thought it was sad and pathetic that he was sat there for more than twenty four hours, unshaven and clothes rumpled. Kurt would look at him in disgust. But he couldn't find it in himself to move. When it was close to hitting midnight Sam was nearly ready to give up. Thinking it was a fluke, something he had seen on many shows; the families were given the wrong information, their loved ones weren't really dead. And he just was unlucky once again.
Many hours and many cups of coffee later, Sam stood from where he sat, back cracking. Running hands over his tired face and into his hair, he turned to head back upstairs and into bed where he planned to say for the unforeseeable future. A hand ran through his hair once more as he stepped on the bottom step, a knock at the door bringing his foot back to the floor. It was late, midnight, and he wasn't ready to deal with whoever decided to bother him now. But there was a nagging in the back of his mind telling him he needed to answer it; he needed to know what the person on the other side was so eager to see him this late at night. With a deep breath he turned back around, heading to the door, ready to chew out whoever it was. As he swung open the door, the harsh words died on his lips as he saw the angel that was standing in front of him.
As soon as the door was fully opened, he decided actions spoke louder than words and instead of speaking, he stepped forward. Letting go of the door he took Kurt's face in his hands, sucking in air in realization that, yes Sam, your husband was really there, and planted his lips right on his, hard.
Take My Whole Life Too
He knew it was tough. He knew it was hard. But he wanted to do it. He needed to do it otherwise he wouldn’t start heal. Sam felt horrible after talking to Finn, realize that the last he had talked to Burt, even Carole, was at Kurt’s funeral. He didn’t want to seem like one of those...widows who forgot about his dead husbands family and moved on. Because he could barely get up in the morning, let alone let the thought of moving on enter his mind.
Today it was cold. Bitterly cold. But he made a promise and today he was going back to keeping those promises. Both of them didn't want to go there; it was still too hard. But months had passed since they had seen each other, had gone to visit and now was the time. Sam threw his hair up in a bun as he made his way through the field, the memory of Kurt giving him a hard time for it's length running through his mind. He stopped short at one particular patch of grass, eyes trained on what was in front of him. "Hi Kurt." He muttered, sitting down on the cold grass in front of the tombstone. He took a deep breath, not talking for a good amount of time as he just let the silent tears roll down his cheeks. After what felt like an eternity he wiped at his eyes, words flowing from his lips. "It wasn't supposed to be like this man. We were gonna give Finn and Rachel a run for their money to see who could live together the longest. They weren't supposed to win.We were gonna grow old together, like Burt and Carole." Deep down he knew he was talking to a mound of dirt, adorned with flowers and wreaths. It was ironic too him, the most extravagant man he knew was missing out on the most extravagant display of flowers he had ever seen.
“Kurt would have loved all of this.” He heard from behind, turning his head back as Burt came into view. Burt always knew what to say at the right time, he wasn’t sure if it maybe he said out loud or not, but he managed to say what Sam was thinking. Sam nodded, looking back at the tombstone, afraid to talk. He wasn’t sure what to say. All that came was a huff of hot air and a small ‘I’m sorry’ before Burt was kneeling next to him, hand his shoulder.
“Stop that. You stop that right now. I never want to hear you say sorry again. There was nothing you could have done. Even if you were home, this is not on you. It’s not on anyone but the monsters that did this to him.” Sam turned his head, zoning in on the tears that threatened to leave the old mans eyes. He shrugged, feeling his eyes well up once more. “ I just feel so… lost. Being with one of my best friends was something I never thought would happen and now this… I don’t know what I’m supposed do.” His voice cracked as he stopped talking, feeling all his emotions coming at him at once.
“You let your friends and your family help you, that’s what you’re supposed to do. You’re forgetting, me and Carole have been through this both before. It’s hard Sam, it’s really hard. I’m not saying you have to move on like we did or get over it quickly. But if you want to start feeling normal and start healing, you have to let everyone help. You can’t do it alone. And no one's expecting you to man, that’s not how it goes. Let us help you. Let us help each other cause I’m falling apart too.” Sam nodded, knowing he was right. He couldn’t keep holding it in, it would only get worse.
So uh hey, y’all. Sam Evans here... in case you didn’t know who I was. It’s been a while since I’ve been on a stage... or in public for that matter. The past few months have been hard, I know there’s a few here who know how that feels. And it sucks. I’m not good with speeches especially with this sort of thing but thanks to some of my old glee buddies, I figured here and now would be a good way to start healing. So to kick things off, this is I Want To Hold Your Hand... dedicated to the only person who could take an upbeat Beatles song and turn into a ballad.
texts: evans bros.
Stevie: your lil ginger niece misses you.
Stevie: your brother misses you a little too.
Stevie: your song is really good, but i’m sorry that you had to write something like that.
Stevie: i’m bad at emotions, but i love you.
Sam: Stevie we've talked about this. You're a father now, you can't call Elle ginger. It's not nice.
Sam: I miss you too. I'm sorry I haven't been over it's just... not easy right now.
Sam: Thanks Stevie. I love you too.
texts: sam/finn
Finn: I've been trying to work out what to say since you posted that song and..
Finn: Sam, I'm still so sorry dude. I know we all miss Kurt but after things happened how they did with you and him..
Finn: I'm here for you, dude. You're my family. If you need to cry, need to be with people who love you.. Come over to family dinner with Rach, Carole, Burt and I. You're literally always welcome and we miss you.
Finn: We can miss him together, watch old videos.
Finn: We love you, man. So much.
Sam: hey Finn I... thanks. I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. It’s just... hard.
Sam: a lawyer called me today. From the place that does all those marriage licenses and stuff. Whatever it’s called. Finn... I’m a widower. I didn’t even know what that was until she told me and asked what I wanted to do about our marriage. Fuck he’s gone.
Sam: Shit. Burt. I haven’t talked to him since... he probably hates me right now.
For Kurt.
@satanlopez: love when i refresh my instagram after a long morning of making fun of the fatties on that my 600lb life show on tlc and see that rachel berry's hobbit offspring and the only tolerable fabray other than quinn are basically prostituting themselves to patchy the lesbian pirate and a rejected heartthrob from a poorly written cw show in hopes of paying for the hobbit's admittedly kind of not-ugly offspring's college fund.
@satanlopez: good to know new directions is still a cesspool of teenage garbage and couples that think they'll be together forever but inevitably break up and have to go to court to make decisions about the visitation rights of their multiple teen pregnancies.
@samuelvans: @santanlopez Tell us how you really feel, San.
TEXT: GLEE GC
Zack: Sam, I'm gonna get Sabrina and bring her to the hospital. She and Malia were just snapchatting me. Or should I bring her to my place or something? I know this is a lot and you're probably already overwhelmed but whatever I can do, I'll do. I'm so, so sorry.
Sam: Apparently I'm in too much shock to drive and I don't think anyone else knows where Malia lives and...
Sam: She shouldn't go back there. None of us can right now.
TEXT: FAMILY
Sully: On my way, Sam. I'm so, so sorry. Where's Sabrina? Is she with you? I'll pick her up wherever she is if you need me to.
Sam: She's with a friend. Fuck I can't... I can't think of who.
TEXT: FAMILY
Sawyer: What's happening? I'll book a flight for Raegan and I right now.
Sam: Kurt's...
Sam: He's... he's gone.
TEXT: GLEE GC
Quinn: You're not saying that what happened to him, is what happened to those kids at degrassi..right?
Sam: That's what this nurse thinks it is.
TEXT: GLEE GC
Mike: Jesus.. Sam, oh god. Where are you? What can we do?
Sam: I'm... i'm still at the hospital.
Sam: Can you... Sabrina. I don't think she has her phone.
TEXT: GLEE GC
Tina: Oh my god. No.. Sam. Oh no. I'm so sorry..
Sam: Tina I don't... I don't know what to do.
TEXT: GLEE GC
Sugar: Silver glitter right? right?
Sam: As much as I hate that stuff, at this point, I wish it was.