sam

that raccoon that's been outside all night going through your trash.

[river-of-wine]

This fanfiction writing is easy

[loveridden1999]

top 3 hobbies for young adults:

1. borrowing misery from future

2. carrying grief of the past

3. agonizing over the present

[fairycosmos]

you literally have to unironically listen to some shit like party rock anthem so you don’t kill yourself

[hppjmxrgosg]

"going out to get milk" is a common turn of phrase used to describe a man abandoning his family.

the "milkman" is a common figure in stories depicting a woman's infidelity and adulterous affair.

this implies that the ability to provide milk would both decrease the likelihood of a man abandoning his wife and children, as it would eliminate the need for leaving to get milk AND would secure that man's marriage, as his wife would have no need to seek milk from an extraneous source.

therefore, all men should produce milk, through various means such as:

- being a cow

- being an almond

- being a woman

- being a coconut

- being in the omegaverse

- being an oat

(list is exemplary and not finite)

in this essay, i will redefine the nuclear family and explain the seductive and inflammatory nature of the 1993 "Got Milk?" commercials.

[hppjmxrgosg]

you shut your mouth.

[kosmogrl]

[pineappical]

love is in the air? wrong! taumoeba leak

[gorsho444]

On the line

[nikoriis]

don't make this harder, please

[pudumephistophiles]

"I don't believe the universe is infinite" - Phil Lester 2026

Phil weights in the flatness problem by telling us k=1 what a bold claim, really insightful!!

Once again Phil is uncovering the deepest mysteries of cosmology what a diva <3

[undying-princess]

knowing how it tends to go with male authors and their wives it was probably marge who wrote the odyssey

[vialisden]

they gave us two shots to the back of the head and we’re all dead now

[the-muppet-joker]

The Truth

Haven't posted in a while. A lot has happened since my last post so I'll just get into it.

Basically, as some of you may have surmised, my relationship with Kermit the Frog had turned pretty toxic. I believe the old character I once played, good ol' croaker, had revived itself within the Muppet as a form a divine punishment from God for what I had created, and franky, I deserve it. There's a lot of old posts out there of mine that make me shudder in horror. I cannot even look at a clown without thinking "The Joker," and then gnashing my teeth in regret. The colors green and purple throw me into despair.

Anywho, it all reached a head when Kermit tried to take my life at the Dangerous Chemicals Factory (where I work). He took my company-mandated non-slip shoes and tried to make me fall into a big vat of Joker Chemicals, after which point he would possess my corpse and take over my life. For those of you who don't know, this is the fate of all who create tumblr fake stories. They come to life, kill the person who created them, and take over their dead body. Why do you think we haven't heard from the Weed Smoking Girlfriends guy? Baka. He IS the Weed Smoking Girlfriends now. They puppeteer his corpse, probably with all three hands deep in the muppet hole of his mind (we all have one). I can only hope he managed to have bangin sex with them before they killed him, as I was able to have bangin sex with Kermit while he was inhabited by the Croaker Persona. God the sex was amazing. And Let's Just Say His Cock Was Huge

But I'm getting sidetracked. I signaled for Batman (my ex wife) just moments before his attack. I did not realize this at the time, but she had been tailing me, concerned for my safety, so she arrived the moment she saw the signal. She picked me up and threw me a safe distance away, entering a vicious brawl with Kermit. She ripped off Kermit's arm and bit off one of his eyes, but it was no use. He began to mupp her to death right before my eyes. I looked around frantically for anything I could use as a weapon, even just something I could throw at him.

And then, I felt something slip out of my ass.

I had put it there before, for safekeeping:

The

Jrap

On

(Joker Strap On).

Grabbing my weapon, I quickly jumped on a nearby skateboard (also produced by the Dangerous Chemicals Factory), and began to race towards my former lovers, taking the shorter but more dangerous route over a tank full of Deadly Sharks (another byproduct of the Dangerous Chemicals Factory).

My heart raced.

My skateboard raced even faster.

Somewhere, within my mind, I felt my inner Joker chuckling darkly.

Completely jumping the shark, I leapt at Kermit, and roaring like a lion, I stabbed a fatal blow deep within his Muppet Hole using only my sheer will and my trusty weapon, the

[marlynnofmany]

*giant wind gust outside*

Me: “Don’t say it.”

My Brain:

[danrifics]

[2birds1pencil]

howdy pardner 🤠

[important-animal-images]

[the-muppet-joker]

One must imagine Syphilis happy.