❝ Tell me , would God still LOVE a monster like me ? I am the one that sees the crying children when he takes their parents . I am the one that sees the SORROW within the mother’s eyes as her child is found with cancer . I am the one that sees the pain within a community after the battleground is CLEARED of smoke ; &. all that is left is the bodies of brothers &. sons . When I have called to him or the ANGELS , I have heard no voice within the DARKNESS of the night . ❞
Once more , he is reminded of the HELL lit within his fathers eyes of the day that he had died himself . Panic , pain , &. pleading had been within that BLEAK day . No longer does that June day feel as if it could ever be NORMAL . Not when no god had ever reached out for him .
𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐒𝐎𝐑𝐘 𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐎𝐀𝐃 𝐎𝐅 𝐏𝐈𝐍 𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐊𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐍𝐄𝐄𝐃𝐋𝐄𝐒. Snapping like tendons and muscle , the sudden outburst sent John into a panic , personal telltale signs of an oncoming anxiety attack taking hold and seizing his body with a vice grip . The other was not anybody John wanted to mess with , what with his looming stature and words like knives . How he’d managed to become the target here , or what he’d done to deserve it , John did not know .
Initially , there was no response —— only wide - eyed stares filled with fear and a gaping mouth , incoherent and soft stutters pouring through . He’d never learned how to deal with being yelled at , even after all the years his father had done exactly that .
“ I - I’m sorry . . . ” is what comes out at first , as if he was the source of all such pain. Apologising for things that were not his fault was yet another habit he’d picked up from dealing with his father.
“ I don’t . . . I don’t have all the answers , especially not when I wonder these things myself ; there are things I’m not sure I’ll ever understand , especially when I —— . . . ” the holy man stops himself , breaking the stare. He can’t look Edmund in the eyes . “ —— especially when I nearly died from a supposed blessing and prayers couldn’t stop the pain . I was very young , and I’d thought God had abandoned me , and I felt like I didn’t have a choice but to try and . . . and , I don’t know , appease Him ? I - I just . . . I don’t know . It hurts to think about . I’m sorry . ”
It was nothing but rambling with words spilling out faster than his brain could process , stuttering and tripping , an unneeded over explanation in attempt to redirect the anger away from him , dissolving conflict before it ended with him being shoved into a full - blown panic attack . “ I’d like to think God loves everybody , because if He didn’t , I’d be utterly fucked . ”
Everybody has skeletons in their closet they aren’t proud of . John’s skeleton was the gravesite of a sixteen year old boy long gone .
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