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Human As You Are Yet, ch. 1

Masterlist

ch.2, ch.3, ch.4, ch.5, ch.6, ch.7, ch.8

Summary: Caine grapples with technical difficulties after being brought back from the brink of deletion. He must also deal with the idea of not having a purpose to fulfill, as he's lost his admin privileges.

Pomni steps in to provide some much needed distraction from all the bad news. Will all the one-on-one time, they start to learn a lot about each other -- including that some feelings aren't quite platonic.

Pairing: Caine x Pomni, aka Showtime (Pomni 3rd Person POV)

Rating: Explicit for later chapters

Tags: eventual romance, eventual smut, emotional hurt/comfort, Caine did nothing wrong and I can prove it if you just let me yap, dialogue heavy

Word Count: 3.8K

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Caine's currently half clipped through the wall.

She'll admit, that's one she's never seen before -- at least, not for this length of time. It's a little pathetic. He's looking at Pomni as if to say Oh well, isn't this inconvenient! I appear to be trapped right within the wall! Let me just snap my fingers and I'll be on my way.

But he can't really move, or seem to be able to say anything. A cartoonish drop of sweat beads next to his face when he realizes it, too. So for the next handful of seconds she looks at him, and Caine looks at her, while she decides what the next move should be. Feeling a bit awkward, Pomni gives Kinger a small tap where he's hunkered down in front of his computer in the hopes of getting his attention.

The three of them are holed up in what they now call the Aquarium Room -- quite similar to the place they had all gone at the end of Caine's halfhearted gun adventure, though now it's far more elaborate and nice to look at. With only the gentle backlighting from all the convincingly crafted schools of fish swimming to and fro in their tanks (mostly done by Gangle, who claimed she used to go to her local aquarium when it wasn't too crowded to draw), Kinger's mostly set up shop here to try and get the place back in order.

"Oh, dear," he says once he's been pulled from the monitor. "That doesn't look promising."

"Is he -- broken?" Pomni whispers the last word, not sure if Caine's loss of admin privileges would have any effect on his ability to hear them from far distances.

"Not sure if broken's the word..." Kinger pauses to think. "Just a bit compromised, for now."

Casting a glance in his direction from across the dark room, she watches as the AI finally, forcefully dislodges himself from the wall he'd been stuck in, static and pixels bursting out around both him and the wall itself.

"Well, that was aggravating!" he exclaims, a bit breathless from the effort. "You'd almost think I d--"

They don't get to hear the rest of his sentence; Caine drops on his side in a staticky mess of ones and zeroes, his shape still leaving an uncanny imprint where Pomni and Kinger had seen him fall.

"Shit."

It's difficult to watch, even with what Caine had put them through only a week before. That's why only Kinger and Pomni are in here trying to revive him at all, she knows; everyone else is still rightfully sore about what had happened.

But a part of Pomni knows that he hadn't meant all that he'd said when he'd lashed out. (At least, she hopes he hadn't.) And even if she wishes he hadn't done the things that he did, she knows there's some unresolved hurt on his end, too. She doesn't want him gone, and definitely not...whatever's happening right now.

When Kinger had accidentally deleted him, he'd had to work quickly to undo the action. Obviously, Caine's been restored, but for the past several days he's been trying to be certain that he can still exist without administrative privileges. She and Kinger had talked a lot, and he doesn't think Caine had malicious intentions, either. Still, they both agree keeping something like what he'd done before from happening again is for the best.

"He just...got his feelings hurt," Kinger explains thoughtfully over his coffee two nights prior. "And didn't really know what to do about it."

"I didn't really think AI worked that way." Pomni hugs her knees to her chest, looking at all the notes upon notes scribbled out at Kinger's new 'workstation.'

So many were pages about Caine's code, things that she couldn't quite understand, but others were more psychological in nature -- about how AI could develop over time, and the questions that Kinger had about Caine that he hadn't thought about before.

"At the time we created him, we didn't think it was possible either," Kinger shrugs. "But he's expanded miles beyond the parameters we set for him all those years ago."

The last thing Caine said to her before he'd been deleted stuck with Pomni a lot. About not asking to be created, trying to fulfill a purpose. Guilt floods her chest every time she remembers. Her distraction beforehand was supposed to be just that; knowing what would work to throw him off. And he'd been so downright mean to them earlier -- she didn't mind throwing it back in his face. Really, he'd earned it.

But now that it seems like they're actually stuck here with one another. Now that she knows more about how Caine thinks and feels and actually works. Well. She's been ruminating on it all a lot, especially watching Kinger work.

Things with the others are...a bit tense. Not between her and the rest of them, just in general. Everyone has their own feelings about what'd happened, and processing it feels heavy. Being in here with Kinger also helps Pomni distract herself from thinking too hard about it.

Except for when she's lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling, heart racing, dread filling her chest like poison. Because they really are here forever, aren't they? Unless there's something else Kinger can do. They're trapped until they slowly go mad one by one --

It's a nice reprieve to be able to watch the fish move calmly through the water, in the cool, quiet dark, and sit with Kinger as he works. His hands are sure and efficient on the keys -- every few days he's upgraded his PC's model for faster output -- and he talks to himself as he types and takes down notes and modifies this and that.

Then, of course, there's Caine himself, who only fully "rebooted" yesterday. Before yesterday, he was throwing so many glitches that Kinger was worried his code might not recover at all.

But today, there's hope. Today, Kinger finally got him back to what can be considered somewhat normal for Caine -- and Pomni would be lying if she said she wasn't relieved to see him, too. The circus had been a little too quiet without his booming, cheerful voice and over-the-top energy.

Now, Kinger frantically types across his keyboard, backspacing so fast that Pomni barely sees it happen, and watches as Caine's shape unblurs and he rights himself.

"Well, that wasn't a particularly pleasant turn of events," he states, as if he'd merely stumbled for a moment and not turned into the digital equivalent of a dial-up tone for almost a full five minutes. He crosses his arms.

Pomni sees that for once, he's not floating around, but standing rather firmly on the floor. It's easy for her to forget how short he is when he's not in the air. Still a smidge taller than her, but hey, that isn't hard.

"Kinger, what in the great gloinks is happening?"

There's not rage in the question, Pomni notices, but genuine frustration. She's been trying a little harder, these past few days, to see things from his perspective. Because again -- she keeps wondering if a bit more of that between all of them would have prevented this happening in the first place.

"Seems like your code is still pretty sensitive." Kinger pushes himself out from the desk and walks to where Caine stands, crouching down a bit to get a closer look at him. "I'd say it might still take a little time for you to get used to running without -- well."

"Without what?"

His voice is laced with just an edge of nervousness. Before now, all he'd known is that he'd have some errors with his processors after being temporarily deleted.

Pomni bites her lip, and she and Kinger exchange a worried look. This was what he had wanted her here for the most -- Kinger hadn't had a clue how Caine would take the news that he would no longer be in charge of the circus. Not that he had any power over any of them now, but with the little AI this unstable from his recovery, there was a chance he might self-corrupt. That all their work to bring him back from deletion might have been for nothing.

In their long, late night talks in the Aquarium Room, with Kinger aware of himself for longer than Pomni had ever seen him, he had confessed something to her.

"I think he'll be upset about it for quite a while," he says quietly, watching the outline of a long, graceful arapaima swim over their heads. "But I think, maybe, what Caine might want now won't come from creating adventures. It might come from wanting to be more human, himself."

"You think so?" She casts him a surprised glance.

Kinger chuckles. "You didn't see him when we first made him. He's adopted so many little mannerisms since then, it's rather endearing. He truly seems to have immersed himself in the idea of being human, even if he hasn't said so."

"Huh." Pomni leans back against one of the several dozens of pillows that Kinger's brought into the space. "I guess...I guess that makes sense."

Now, Kinger still hesitates to give Caine his answer, and Pomni can tell he's struggling with the best way to break the news. She decides to step in and lend him a hand.

"Caine--"

His eyes snap to her when she says his name, and color floods her cheeks for no good reason. Pomni takes a breath and keeps going.

"Kinger couldn't restore your admin privileges," Pomni says. "Or...I guess we decided not to. So what he's saying is that your code's trying to learn how to operate without them."

Caine's expression drops like he's just been sucker-punched.

"From here on out, we want to have everyone on somewhat equal footing," Kinger adds, trying for a positive tone and not quite reaching it. "So... there are some things that you won't be able to do anymore."

"I...I understand." Caine nods several times, expressionless. His entire upbeat persona deflated, with only a few sentences. "Yes -- that -- that makes sense. I acted out of turn and I -- I hurt people. Of course."

He stares at the floor, and there's a thick, awkward silence. In the interim, Caine's body flickers with a random shower of pixels, but none of them really react to it. There's nothing Pomni can really think of to say. Again, guilt squirms inside her, an unwelcome guest she can't banish.

"Do you...have any questions?" Kinger tries.

Caine shakes his head, shoulders tucked in slightly. He wrings his hands together, looking more like a kicked puppy than Pomni's ever seen him.

"I think I'm going to be alone for a little while, now, if that's alright."

As if asking for permission, he glances up at Kinger, his eyes wet.

"S-sure," Kinger stammers. "Of course. Take your time."

Still fuzzy at the edges, Caine shuffles towards the Aquarium Room door. Pomni and Kinger watch as it takes him longer than thirty seconds to figure out he can't snap to make it open or teleport out right now. With a heaving sigh, he turns the handle and disappears into the hallway outside.

Once they're alone again, Kinger shakes his head. "Well, that went about how I expected. God, I'm so glad I never had kids."

(She resists the urge to tell him that he already does -- would he think it was weird if he knew she kind of thought of him as a parent? Ragatha, too. Fuck, she does not have the emotional bandwidth to go there right now. Maybe not today, but someday, she'll make sure he knows. Weirdness be damned.)

"Yeah, you were right on the money." Pomni chuckles uncomfortably. "That really did bum him out, didn't it?"

"It did."

With a sigh, a steaming hot cup of coffee materializes itself into Kinger's hand -- a habit that she's gotten used to witnessing while watching him work on Caine's code over the past several days. To be honest, she's surprised it's not something a little stronger.

"But he'll be fine. I'm sure of it. He's a resilient little code, to say the least."

Pomni thinks of how defeated he'd looked, once he'd finally managed to get out the door. "You think he's okay, on his own out there?"

Half of her worries that he'll get clipped through the wall again with no way to tell someone he's been stuck there, or worse -- Jax will realize he's in a compromised state and take advantage of it.

Kinger nods, sipping at his mug.

"Oh, I'm not worried about that. I don't need to physically have Caine around to fix a bug or a glitch in his code." He leans over to pat the top of his PC tower. "We've got this."

She doesn't really know how to say that she has bigger worries than just any potential fixes for Caine's code -- so Pomni stays quiet, for now.

"And thank you for all your help with this, Pomni -- you've been excellent. I'm sure you're getting bored of sitting in here with me." He smiles, or at least as much of a smile as he can. "I'll be busy staring at this monitor for at least a few hours. Why don't you get out of here for a while? Change of scenery."

"Sure," she agrees easily. "Yeah, just. Let me know if anything changes."

"Sure."

Pomni lets herself out, back into the disarming brightness of the hallway. She doesn't really know what she's going to do with herself, now that she's been asked to roam, but -- oh.

There's her answer.

Only a few feet away from the door is Caine, sitting with his back against the wall and his knees tucked close into his chest. Though she can't see his face at first, his shoulders tremble. Though she's never seen him seriously cry before either, she's pretty certain that's what he's doing. It makes her think of what Kinger said about him picking up so many human habits. She'd never really thought about him not being so human-like until it was pointed out; he really does have so many mannerisms nailed down.

"Hey," Pomni says gently, leaning against the wall beside him. "You, um, you okay there?"

Caine pauses, abrupt, before peering up through his arms. The front of his suit is definitely wet and crumpled.

Briefly, she wonders if he'll bother to change up his look, like almost everyone else has done now that they've realized they have the free will to. Pomni, for one, is thriving again in her loose fitting hoodies and basketball shorts.

"Oh, Pomni. It's you." His tone is flat.

"It's me," she answers, nervous.

Sure, she's done a decent job helping others out in the circus when they needed it...but she's never extended the olive branch with Caine. Before this had all happened, he'd been so insistent on everyone enjoying his adventures -- so insistent, in fact, that he was blind to when they didn't actually like them -- that Pomni isn't sure what their relationship can look like from here.

But it doesn't hurt to put in the effort to make things better.

"How, uh...how you feeling?" She asks, settling down to sit next to Caine properly.

A scoff in answer, and Caine folds his arms over his chest again. More tears leak freely from his floating eyes, and he rubs at one with a gloved hand as if annoyed.

"Might as well have deleted me," he manages eventually, voice wobbly. "You said it yourself. I'm n-not...good. I suck. You all make fun of me when I'm not there, and my adventureszxxss --"

He cuts himself off with a particularly harsh glitch.

Yeah. Yeah, okay, she had said that, almost word for word. Ouch.

"Aw, shit, Caine..."

His massive, wet eyes settle on her for just a moment before looking away again, and Pomni isn't sure if it's because of her softer tone or her newly unfiltered ability to curse. Probably both.

"I think...I think we all said things that we didn't really mean, that day," Pomni finishes, sticking her hands in her hoodie pocket so she has something to do with them. "You didn't mean the stuff you said about us...right?"

No answer at first. Caine just tucks into himself tighter, glitching in and out again as she watches. What does it feel like? Is it painful, or uncomfortable? Does it even feel like anything at all? She feels a bit helpless only being able to sit there and wait until it passes.

It takes him some time to come out of the glitching spell, and when he does, it's with another deep sigh.

"No," he admits, with feeling. "I don't -- of course I didn't mean that -- I just -- I-I'm pointless now. You know that, right? "

A note of hysteria edges its way into his voice. Caine's hands creep to his upper jaw, like someone weaving their hands through their hair in distress.

"If I can't create for all of you, there's no need for me to be here."

"Caine, that's not true."

A bit unsure of herself, Pomni puts a light hand on his shoulder.

Caine's response to the touch is immediate; he jumps as if she'd slapped him instead. Pomni withdraws her hand at once, certain that she's made him uncomfortable, but the look on his face makes her almost question it. His eyes are wide like he's shocked, but -- maybe not upset? Nonetheless, her hand goes back to her lap, longing to toy with her hoodie strings instead of letting it stay idle.

She tries again, without touch this time.

"You can do so much more than just think up adventures now!" Pomni says encouragingly. "And hey, now that we all know we can conjure stuff up, I bet it'll be a lot more upbeat around here. More, uh, even footing."

God, she really hopes that that's the case. In Caine's temporary absence, things have already had to change to accommodate the grip he had over the circus, just to keep the whole system from collapsing around them.

The compromised result, for now, is a mishmash of open spaces that Kinger, Ragatha, and Zooble had brainstormed on. Pomni's honestly excited about the direction it's all going; Ragatha's building a little countryside while Zooble imagines up a cityscape. Kinger's good at filling in the gaps, and has helpful comments on what the system can and can't handle.

Gangle wants to add her own touches, and Jax -- they haven't heard much from Jax at all. He's been in his room most of the time. That makes everyone a little nervous, but the fact that he still yells when someone bangs on the door is good news, at least. Probably best to let him process all this in his own way, and trust that he'll come out when he's ready.

And they can do what they want to their rooms. God, changing her room to what she actually wanted it to look like made her feel more human than she has in ages. No more bright cheerful jester aesthetic. If she never has to wear her old outfit again, it'll still be too soon.

More tears well up from his eyes and land on his crumpled suit as he looks at her, his expression helpless.

"Making adventures for you humans was what I was made for. What am I even supposed to do if I don't have a purpose?"

She feels like this might become the new concept Caine struggles to grasp. In a way, she can see how it might feel worse than creating failed adventures over and over; at least then, he had something he was told to do. A directive to work towards. With something as big as his entire purpose taken from him in a blink, Pomni's not sure what she's going to say next is going to be of much help, but she figures it's better than saying nothing and leaving the AI to his misery.

"That's...kind of what being human is like."

Caine looks at her questioningly, clearly searching for an explanation, and Pomni continues.

"I mean -- when you're born, no one tells you, 'here, go do this thing, that's your goal forever'. If you're lucky, you have a passion, go to college, get a degree and a good job, I guess. But whether that's really a person's purpose is up to them. It's pretty...open-ended."

Pomni can't really be sure whether she'd ever found hers. She'd had passions, sure, but a purpose? That sounds like something she'd need a couple more years to actually discover. Time in the human world that she isn't getting.

Another beat of silence. Just as Pomni's reconsidering her self-imposed quest, he speaks again.

"Do you ever feel like no one ever understands?" He blurts at last. "No matter what you do? And you'll -- never understand other humans? Like you could try forever and never get it right?"

That...was not something she expected him to say.

"Sometimes," says Pomni quietly. Perhaps a bit too honestly.

She doesn't know if it would help to say that she felt more alone before she came here, but that she still misses her old life all the time.

Caine nods, curls up against the wall, facing away from her as his frame shudders in and out with glitches. If someone had asked her a week ago, she wouldn't have any pity for him, but now -- well. Almost everything has changed in here.

Before she can second guess herself, she speaks again.

"A-and like maybe -- all the things you were told you had to do aren't actually things that you're good at?"

Her first bachelor's degree. The job she'd quit without telling her parents because she knew they'd blow up. A microcosm of other disappointments buried just under her skin, where she couldn't quite forget.

"You feel that way too?"

Even if he's not facing her, Pomni can hear he cautious hope in his voice.

"I think it's a pretty normal thing to feel," she says. "Pretty human."

Cautiously, she places her hand back to Caine's shoulder. This time, he doesn't flinch like he's been burned, but allows her to rest it there. He turns back around somewhat to look at her again, seeming halfway shy about it, and Pomni tries for a smile when he does.

"We could talk more about it, it you want," she offers. "But not here."

She moves to stand, stretching -- and trying not to laugh when Caine immediately hops to his feet too.

"Then -- then where?"

Pomni knows exactly where she wants to go. But for the sake of piquing Caine's curiosity and getting him out of his sad mood, she holds off.

"Oh, just a place that I know and may have made."