🌵 | JUDGEMENT.

ind. priv. sel. read hub rules before following.

[sandshield]

"...BUT I WONDER, what is that bond he longed for? Now I understand, even only a little. pain, sadness… and joy -- these feelings allow you to understand others."

#sandshield: a private gaara roleplay blog, written by maggie. read the rules on @rabbitprose before interacting. verse info here.

[guelwaar]

im always up at ass o clock doing god knows what

[sandshield]

@maitiests ( for gai! ) / sc.

and there was a narrowing of eyes as they approach each other — no doubt, he was here to visit his son in the hospital after the battle with kimimaro. there was an instinctive snarl lurking in the back of his throat (even now, when gaara had vowed to change, there still remains something so violent in him).

but instead of a snippy command to move, gaara merely steps aside — not planning to talk to him at all.

[sandshield]

this whole hc is that g.aara crushes and falls in love very, very easily. does he know how to express this or even make a slight move, however? no, not at all.

[maitiests]

no pain too great, lee remembers thinking, for victory. gaara's sand hitting him like an iron fist; or his own gates tearing through muscles and tendons. and still, miracolously, and for those unfortunate enough to bear witness, to utmost insanity, lee stood up everytime. even when the fifth gate rendered him unconsious, his spine littered with bone fragments, and gaara mercilessly crushed his left arm and leg -- lee stood back up again. you did not break me in any way that mattered. nothing and no one ever could, becoming a jinchuriki damn near destroyed him, but lee prevailed, the root dug it's selfish claws into him, but lee stood proud.

and as he looked at the kazegake, truly looked, lee began to wonder -- he wasn't the only broken one, was he? treason, to think so lowly of the honored leader of the hidden sand. but gaara's posture hid little, refusing to look at lee, posture defensive, arms crossed, the rest invited to imagine.

❝ because my mind is made up, why would i hesitate? ❞ gai raised him better than that. lee hesitated, and he hopes the comparrison is forgiven, but gaara reminds him of a kicked dog. he wants to help, what could he do? -- what is his lake of suffering next to gaara's ocean? the jônin is careful in his movements, just like gai had been so many years ago, he opens bandaged arms slowly, an invitation to be hugged freely. ❝ you seem unwilling to accept my words -- WHY? ❞

[sandshield]

and even now, understanding of any sort was so far away from gaara. always reaching out, trying to grab and claw love into him — but gaara remained ever-starved; the trauma of years of loneliness digging its talons into him relentlessly.

how vulnerable the kazekage seemed, in these fragile moments — and when questioned, it was only then, he looks at lee.

he was a boy shown so much love to him, by that sensei who stopped gaara from dealing the final blow. even in these days, where the two of them had grown, gaara could still see that. was it cruel of him to feel envious; never having a loving father of his own?

lee showed him kindness here, offering to hold him — and here gaara was, envious. lee didn't deserve that, either.

and yet, there's a step forward. then another.

he accepts lee's offer to hug him — because gaara was so hungry for it. even gaara's hugs were awkward; like he'd never been hugged once in his life. could lee feel the way his heart thundered, not knowing what to do? how to hug at all?

"i can't accept the easy route," he speaks, slightly muffled by green-covered shoulder, "it doesn't make sense, for someone like me to just be — forgiven, as if i am..."

"…easy to forgive," then it comes spilling out, "i am not my father's monster anymore, but it is not something i have been able to forsake easily."

"i had to work so hard — just to get them to look at me, to want me," and then, "and even then, none of them saw me like this. like you did."

"you saw me at my worst — when i embodied every piece of pain i had ever witnessed," was there tears starting to sink into lee? "it would be... logical, to bear a grudge."

[tsukkiakarii]

it's a nagging feeling, buried so far down--he reminds her of michikatsu, cowering before father's wrath. he reminds her of herself, if kokushibō would ever dare to act upon instinct when muzan's hand reaches out, already knowing to expect pain.

but pain mattered little anymore, really. she isn't like akaza, ripping out his ability to feel pain: she feels as that sand nearly crushes her, and yet the pain that courses through her arm doesn't show upon her features. kokushibō doesn't rear away or make effort to break the hold. she has felt far, far worse for much longer.

somehow, kokushibō expects he needs this.

"why do you apologize? it doesn't hurt," a small lie, but he didn't need to know that. "are you frightened? i won't harm you--you are not my prey."

[sandshield]

it doesn't hurt. such a statement should have soothed gaara, but alas — it was something that left him aching more. she had to have been lying — even if he could feel her flesh refusing to give, the grains of sand and dusted bone were so coarse — there was no way it didn't hurt her.

"i—i'm not scared," and it was true, he wasn't scared of monsters anymore. he knew of monsters much too well to be afraid of them like a regular child. it was the village he feared now, humans — just like —

— just like his father.

"please, don't pull back," he hopes with his emotions soothing, that it'll let her go, "the sand will break your arm if you m—move too much…"

[bakisensei]

“Fine,”  Baki  gruffed.   He  should,  probably,  hold  more  fear  for  Gaara—a  bit  more  than  he  held  for  any  other      …      regular  shinobi.  But  he  didn't.   Gaara  was  a  tool,  the  same  as  he  was,  and  for  the  time  being  he  was  Baki's  underling,  and  it  would  make  him  a  poor  teacher  to  allow  him  to  call  all  the  shots  like  he  was  used  to.   (Even  if  he  allowed  him  a  lot  more  leeway  than  the  other  two).   

He  held  what  he  considered,  a  healthy  fear  of  the  boy.  Baki  didn't  push  buttons  or  demand  anything  of  him,  but  he  didn't  attempt  to  know  him,  either.   It  wasn't  his  place  to  become  a     …    mock  mentor  figure  to  him,  Gaara  didn't  seem  to  require  anything  like  that—and,  Baki  didn't  have  the  time  to  try. 

Still,  he  was  the  boys'  teacher  for  the  moment.  It  was  his  job  to  make  sure  he  had  everything  he  needed  to  become  a  better  shinobi.    

“What  do  you  need  of  me?” 

[sandshield]

and the compliance often made gaara spare baki's life. additionally, it was the audacity of baki — the acknowledgement of him daring to remain as the jinchuuriki's sensei, that equally made gaara curious about his survival.

baki seemed… different. it wasn't enough to grant him admiration — but perhaps the vessel was able to give the very barest of respect towards him. that alone, would ensure his life to continue (for the time being).

as they step away, gaara eventually comes to slowly turn towards the other, "…there has to be something to you."

he continues on his thought, "soon enough, we will be in the leaf village. i have been given orders, just as you have."

and then, a gaze sharpens, "are you afraid of the outcome, baki?" there's no doubt that he refers to the inevitable possession by shukaku that was approaching at break-neck speeds. his sensei would have witnessed the terror that the tanuki spirit wrought upon sunagakure all those years ago—

—was there even a single spark of fear… of gaara losing control?

[sandshield]

me: i'm going to do drafts today the ever-silly demon in my brain: make a nya starter

[9beasts]

.............. ❝ ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? ❞

[sandshield]

... ... ...slowly lowers his hands, "...is there a problem?"

[sandshield]

open.

gaara holds up his hands, fingers curled inwards to mimic paws, "...nya?"

[shiftingdecay]

y'know. Nya.

[sandshield]

"What's your favorite book?" // Anna & Gaara

unprompted (i think). / always accepting!

and perhaps it was telling, that he hardly ever had the time to sit back and read casually nowadays. most things he read were status reports, any news, and messages from neighbouring villages. there was a swallow, as gaara realises this.

"… … …" an inappropriate answer comes, after a lengthy moment of silence, "…i like to hear of how the other villages are doing. particularly during times like promotional exams."

another pause, as the air grows more dense, "i apologise if that's not the answer you were looking for."

[sandshield]

🧍 personal blogs

[sandshield]

“Why did you do this? Why…? I never asked you to fight them.” (from lee.)

the violently protective sentence starters. / accepting!

"because they tried to hurt you," his voice was blunt and cold as usual, standing ahead of lee with arms folded. sand ghosts back into his gourd — he wondered if such a sight was frightening for lee, still. however, there was little time to think about that now — the enemy, crushed into bone-dust and torn apart muscle, now rested in that gourd alongside… every other person gaara had killed.

that was the reality of his sand — he could never rid the smell of death from those grains.

"…" then comes chilling silence, after gaara gave his answer. he tries to find soothing words, but alas, was not a soothing person.

he looks to lee, "…i don't want you to break."

[sandshield]

the violently protective sentence starters. / @bakisensei “Don’t feel sorry for them, they deserved it.” / accepting!

and it was evident, gaara was beginning to change. ever since that day during the chunin exams — gaara had come back home with a different energy entirely. one could see the gears in his head turning; trying to consider the lives of others now, trying to re-center his approach in battle towards compassion.

but it was difficult, and accidents still happened. years of killing others, especially those who provoked — had left an impression on gaara that was going to take a while to steer away from.

"…i know," there's an emptiness in his eyes still, "but i still want… to do better."

he still evoked so much fear. he still thought murderously. he was still a demon, even when he made the effort to try to be anything else.

"where is mercy placed inside the heart, baki?" he continues on, "i can't seem to find it."

[sandshield]

there are few people gaara will not at least make the effort to forgive. shukaku definitely did irreparable damage to him, but he still finds softness in his heart for the beast. he tries to find a place in his heart for shukaku, even if it's hard.

his father, however, is the only person gaara cannot forgive. gaara starts to heal his trauma, and is able to continue healing his trauma, while simultaneously entirely loathing his father.

i understand that there's some material where gaara somehow finds "understanding" for his father's position, but this blog is not going to adhere to that. nope. i refuse.

[sandshield]

‘you feel lost, but you’re not. you’re exactly where you need to be.’

resident evil requiem prompts. / accepting!

"…" gaara considers her words, as the two of them sit under the moonlight. it was funny, how natural the environment seemed to her — sitting in the shadows that only a powerful light could produce. it was something he'd long-since abandoned.

but he still looks up to that full moon, like an old friend. and his only friend, during those darker nights.

"it's hard to think about it that way," he finally says, "as if it was something like fate."

he then looks over to her, "if fate had its way, my name would have amounted to a grave, and nothing more."

"i worked myself to the bone for a sliver of acceptance," he continues, "so, there is no 'need.' fate is not my companion — fate would have killed me."

"i create my own fate," and despite the bluntness of his words, he still gives a small smile to her, before it eventually falls back to a neutral expression, "i am not my father's son; he wanted to survive, but i make the choice to live."

"and i will live happier than he ever did."