SanSebExPe's works

I write.

[sansebexpe]

sometimes you steal the breath out of me

steal the light from me

28 years shot down the drain

how do I live without you

how long do I have to convince you

you've made an awful mistake?

[sansebexpe]

dearest amelia

the thing about death that people fear the most

isn't death itself but fear of the unknown

"where do we go when we die?"

"is there a heaven and hell and a bright white light?"

if I die tomorrow I'd cease to be

my being would stop being me

eternal silence forever sleep forever dream

maybe we're all dead and our reality exists

only in someone's dream

I'd be okay with the silence the forever darkness

wouldn't know any better 'cause I'm dead

gone forever

would anyone miss me?

would you even miss me?

do ghosts exist? can I just roam the earth forever?

I'll follow you until death comes for you

we can live together

if there's an afterlife

you'll exist in my dreams forever, darling

drift away into forever...

do not follow me into the dark, baby

before it's your time to go

just because I decided my time is now

doesn't mean you'll grieve forever

please find love again

I know you'll find someone better

someone less fucked up with so much love to give you

know that this wasn't your fault

or someone else's fault - maybe

life ain't for everyone

I was always meant to go this way

dearest Amelia

as the fireworks go off in the darkest skies

will you remember me as you watch the stars at night?

I'm there in the moonlight you find yourself dancing in

that's me in the sunlight

the breeze

the breath of summer

when you're sad my sweet Amelia

and it rains

please know I'm crying with you too

I'll come and visit you in every single bird you view

kiss every butterfly that lands on your hand and shoulder

I'll kiss you every night as our cat purrs on your shoulder

I'm there in the moonlight

that's me in the sunlight

dearest Amelia - don't be sad

don't say death is cruel to you

or life's unfair to you

one day we'll meet again

as birds on someone's shoulder

don't say life got me down

or mention numbers and statistics

"depression kills" is a truth

I'm not defined by

the thing about death that people fear the most

isn't death itself but fear of the unknown

"where do we go when we die?"

I am the stardust in your eyes

the breeze

the breath of autumn

[sansebexpe]

criss cross

x marks the spot on my skin

where you've wounded me

you hate me and my

pent up emotions I have

no way to express

existential rips showing the void beneath

surface veins and arteries pumping blood

I'm bleeding

straight razor best friend came out to play again

why is it that my fingers bleed after we shake hands?

why do I end up with marks on my skin

when we hang out as friends?

why does everyone I love hurt me

their love cuts deep

scars that criss cross

criss cross

x marks the spots where I bleed the most

hurt the most

except I'm completely devoid of pain

disconnect from emotions? yes | no | maybe

hit yes because it's better not to feel

around people like you and their

drama drains me ends up all over the floor

gonna end up fucking sectioned through

no fault of my own

when your words cut sharper than any knife

or any razor

I've ever owned and

should I try to cut my neck and bleed to death

criss cross criss cross

x marks the spot

[sansebexpe]

wool

chained to a wall

mouth sewn shut

can't see with my eyes

the wool's too taut.

this box you insist is made for me

built for me

with my name or the name you insist is mine

written on it with sparkly bows and ribbon adornments.

I am not this child with ribbons in their hair

a pretty smile

obedient without question

to your whims and desires.

every time I try to leave or break the chains

I get beaten told that the outside world is scary

I can't handle it I'm too different

"no one understands you like I do."

tell me I can't function or move in the world without you

tell me I can't function or move in the world without you

but I'd like the chance to grow a life of my own

outside these walls

I'm forbidden from thinking I can do well on my own

brain is broken

legs are broken

I am broken

broken

broken

mouth sewn shut

eyes kept covered

"you are blind you cannot see

I'll be your eyes, your ears, your voice.

just sing for me only for me"

you make it out like you're my god

the centre of my universe

I don't want this heaven I just want my freedom

the prison doors have opened

my hands are free of chains

the wool pulled from my eyes

I can finally see

this doesn't look like the world you described

it's cold it's dark I find myself filled with hunger

for the first time in my life

the thread holding my mouth shut is cut

snip snip snip

blood smears on my lips

drip drip drip

"you can speak, advocate for yourself

make your own decisions, darling.

out of the box you fell gain your footing

grab my hand I'll lead you out of this hell

you're not dying here gasping for air

spit out the blood in your lungs and breathe."

wool pulled from my eyes

steel wool that bloodied my corneas blinded me

wolf in sheep's clothing I see the zipper

why would you lie to me this isn't pretend

why would you say I have no voice when I clearly do?

does it intimidate you to hear the word "no"?

"you've made a mistake put the wool over your eyes

the sun's too bright light's too bright

drink this it'll help you go to sleep at night

my cyanide."

no - spit it into your face I've blinded you

how does the darkness feel?

that endless cloak I couldn't remove

no matter how much I wanted to

how does it feel

having the poison turned back on you?

cyanide and alcohol and benzodiazepines

you've thought of it all haven't you

what you'd do if I disobeyed my creator?

forgiving God? no malicious god

send me straight to hell - wait

you can't send me anywhere, can you?

that box you locked me in was my personal hell

and you're not really God, are you?

[sansebexpe]

three writings

001. forever lost in memories of times past

the past is only important to those who want nothing more than to cling to it. your only memories are encased in photographs hidden from view but kept by you and only you. you who are too afraid to move on because it means accepting that everything in some way fell apart. you covet old lost happiness. it was only happiness for you. everyone else moved on and found it.

yours is forever lost.

you're trapped in the past behind a mirror where you can only see what's reflected in your history. the laughter, the dancing, the celebration has come and gone and been gone for years now, but you can't see it. to admit it means it falls apart.

denial is a strong drug and you've borderline overdosed on it.

002. my mind's depression is fire

it's awful to find out all of the hopes and dreams you had for your life and your love and your marriage have gone up in smoke like a five alarm fire. all you can do is watch everything turn to cinders and wonder if it's worth it to rebuild. there were things you thought were easy that became insurmountable. you wanted children of your own but now you're stuck raising a reminder of his past. he was the best that you could do unless you left behind everything you knew to strike out on a new adventure.

at 27 you've declared yourself "too old" for anything else.

you've settled for a life that killed your dreams.

you've chosen depression over happiness.

the weight is settling on your chest and shoulders and it's getting harder and harder to breathe.

lighting a match would be the easiest fix of all. you just need to muster up the courage and strength to strike it.

003. too small

i always wanted an actual house.

i'll never get an actual house.

this long sought dream of mine must be laid to rest in the courtyard of a place that's

too

small.

it's like he doesn't care to give me the life I deserve.

he doesn't want us to do or be better.

he's perfectly content with mediocrity and a place that's

too

small.

[sansebexpe]

elefant im raum

you can sit on your throme of lies where you are the victim and I am the villain, but we both know that in the real story you are the villain and I am the one who escaped before you could dig your claws in too deep.

I have to wonder--does your son still talk to you?

if he does--you're lucky.

if he doesn't--good for him.

after all the verbal abuse you and that daughter hurled at him, you would be oh so lucky if he still wants anything to do with

you

that sister

your husband

the ones who did the most verbal abuse to him.

but then again I guess that's what you're good at, huh?

what can I expect from the elephant in the room?

[sansebexpe]

happy lonely birthday

happy lonely birthday to the aunt i disowned four years ago

i wish i could rub it in your face how much I am

thriving & flourishing

after cutting you out of my life

[because you were a Dupont Cleanup Site,

an environmental hazard not fit to be around people]

but i'd rather leave you to wonder about whatever happened to your sister's child

the one you thought deserved to be tossed away like trash

tried to force her to throw me out on the street as if you had any say in these matters

because i refused to live my life according to this road map that you drew up for me when you aren't even my parent

you thought everything would be much better if i were dead so you could sit there and cry crocodile tears that even the shittiest actress could do leagues better

crying "boohoo and woe is me, my sister's child is dead"

ignoring the fact that the knife had your own fingerprints on the handle

and then you wondered why i wanted nothing to do with you

when you made up your own narrative, conspired with the Disowned Brother on how to make it seem like i was the one out of their mind

that there was something wrong with me

when it was just your projections

if you wanted to be the heroine of a story so badly why not just write one yourself and leave everyone else out of it

where you save the day and everyone loves you for it or so your delusions and unhinged tirades and rants on Facebook proclaim...

the comments are people wondering has she no shame? after you go off on your deceased friend's nieces because I did so much more than you to women old enough to be your daughters

women who were doing the best they could whilst trying to raise up their families

your paranoia in thinking that i along with everyone else was out to get you... why would i be out to get you? you barely registered on my radar

you were the one who cut me out and i returned the favour it was a mutual bridge burning ritual and over the roar of the flames as the wood was devoured you shouted at me you will never amount to anything. you will never find happiness. you will never find someone who loves you.

and then you proceeded to stalk me after i moved like a wild woman keeping tabs on her victims to see if she can re-victimise them in the future and spin this web of lies about you being the one stalked instead

because you always need to be the victim, dont you?

happy birthday to the victim blaming victim

the woman who tries to catch her victims and wrap them in a cocoon spun from spider silk made from lies

happy birthday to the woman who lost all of her friends and became the town's biggest embarrassment

[such a fall from grace for someone who used to be the town's heroine]

happy birthday to the woman who returned to the burnt bridges and saw just how much destruction she caused to the lives of people she once maybe cared about

some of them were partially rebuilt with a variety of materials, many of them unsuitable to last for the long term

some of them were rebuilt but with signs every 5 feet reminding anyone who crossed of the boundaries they agreed not to cross

and some of them were like mine: a charred and burnt out mess that will never be rebuilt because i am flourishing & thriving

you will never meet my spouse

and yes i've told her all about you and the things you've said and done

you can yell across the chasm and ask for me to throw across to you a rope or something with which to bridge the gap

but i never answer

happy lonely birthday