Santa Says...

My mom was born on a Good Friday and everyone has called her Santa ever since. (It means saint in Spanish.) She is the most foul-mouthed mom I know. She's more like the Patron Saint of Perverts.

[santasays]

Jesus is risen. We can eat ham!

My mom on why she likes Easter

[santasays]

My parents are split on whether I should hook up with Robert Redford

My parents when I told them I was going to Sundance...

DAD: Eef Robert Redford eenbites ju anywhere, say no. Eet might be an "Indecent Proposal"

MOM: Eef he offers ju a million dollars for one night, I adbize ju tu take eet.

[santasays]

No Virgins in Venezuela

Me telling my mom about the new show Jane The Virgin starring Gina Rodriguez...

ME: It looks pretty funny. It's based on a Venezuelan novela called Juana la Virgen.

MOM: Venezuela?!? Ay don't tink so. Ders no bergins der!

ME: Why do you say that?

MOM: Las mujeres Venezolanas son muuuuy liberales. Dats wat I hurd.

[santasays]

Solo vengan a rezar por mi los que me tenían cariño y los demás que se vayan a la chingada.

So, my mom just told me what she wants on her tombstone. This is what she requested.

[santasays]

My Mom Wants Me To Be a Player

MOM: Was der uh-lot uf people in Nu York tuday beecus of da memorials?

ME: I don't really know. I don't leave Brooklyn anymore.

MOM: Ju leeb een Brookleen, ju wurk een Brookleen, ju sleep een Brookleen, ju eat een Brookleen. Do ju hab a boyfren en Brookleen?

ME: No

MOM: Why nawt? Ju chould half two! One tu pay for all da moobees ju watch an one to buy ju deen-er.

ME: That's a good idea.

[santasays]

This is seriously the best song that has come out of this World Cup. I sent my mom this video and she replied with "Chee’s a real Mexicun. Ay yam proud of my peepole."

[santasays]

The Netherlands is a shitty team

On Mexico's loss to the Netherlands...

ME: How are you? Are you feeling better?

MOM: I'm ok. Ay yam naut ass upset ass jesterday. But ay jus need one theeng to feel eeben bedder.

ME: What's that?

MOM: I tole jour bruder to preent me a peek-shore of dat Robben guy.

ME: Why?

MOM: So ay can poot eet een da toy-let an sheet on heez face. Dat wheel make me feel much bedder.

[santasays]

FIFA is Racist

Called Mom after Mexico lost to the Netherlands...

ME: Mom are you crying?

MOM: No, naut enee-more. Mexico play well. Ay shus hate da whites. Tu be sossessful in da worl ju need to be white. I don laik dat.

[santasays]

This is not AYSO

On the U.S. - Germany game...

MOM: Ay was berri dees-uh-poin-ted. Dey wur playeen laik old ladies wit ar-ter-itis. Cum on gais! Dis eez da World Cup! Ju arr here tu escore gols! Da whole cauntree eez wacheen. Dis eezn't AYSO! Get jour ass to-geder. Dey didn't eben try tu get one een. Dey werr so escared of dee Alemanes. But dat's okay becuss Mexico eez playeen dis weekend.

ME: Yeah, against the Netherlands, that's scary.

MOM: Ay yam not escared of Holanda. Dey can kees my ass! Mexico eez playeen good! Dey can do eet. An jour Salvadorian family better naut say en-eetheeng uh-bout mi Mexico lindo y querido! No les gusta Mexico pero bien que se comen lo que les cocino.

[santasays]

Shotgun Wedding

MOM: I call tu tell ju dat today is jour parent's wedding ah-nee-ber-sary.

ME: Oh, yeah. I forgot. 35th right?

MOM: Jes

ME: My 35th birthday is in six months.

MOM: We gawt married jus een time so ju woodent be a leetle bastard.

ME: Thanks, mom.

[santasays]

New Zealand vs. Mexico on the Soccer Field

My mom, who is Mexican, walks through the door a few minutes before the game, my brother is wearing a New Zealand jersey...

BROTHER: Just in time, mom!

(flashes his New Zealand crest)

MOM: Gwats dat?

(She takes a closer look and realizes what it is, flips him off and says...)

MOM: Ahff-ter da furse goal Mexico escores, ay take my furse tequilazo!

[santasays]

Mom Thinks I Should Review Porn

ME: I have to figure out a way to make more money

MOM: Maybe ju chood estart writeeng uh-bout sexy moobies

ME: Mom! I'm not gonna write about porn!

MOM: Pero, why nawt?

ME: What am I gonna write? That the story lines are really good?

MOM: Ju gotta learn. Ju can say, 'oh dat guy heez thingie goes tu da left.'

ME: MOM!!! Why would I review people's genitalia?! You're so gross.

MOM: Eet wuss juss an idea

[santasays]

The TSA Thinks My Mom is a Terrorist

My parents took the red-eye last night and arrived this morning. My mom found a note in her suitcase from the TSA that her bag had been inspected.

MOM: eet eez prolly becaws I had cans awf enchilada sauce een my bag.

ME: they probably thought it was a bomb.

MOM: An den dey saw eet an said, "oh she's just Mexican."

[santasays]

My Parents Have the Best Fights

DAD: Amor, ju arr such a drama quin. Ebrytheeng is alwais so drah-mah-teek

MOM: No, la queen eres tu. I yam da king!

[santasays]

Body Heat

ME: It's cold in here.

MOM: Ju arr alwais cold. Eder ju need tu get jour thyroid check or ju need tu get a boyfren.

ME: I don't even get it.

MOM: A boyfren will warm ju up.

ME: You're a perv.

[santasays]

Los Nerds Don't Age Well

At my sister's graduation after all the professors walked past us, she leans over and whispers in my ear...

MOM: Se ponen bien feos de viejos los nerds, verdad?

[santasays]

Easter Celebration

MOM: Jesus is risen, let's eat cake!