Andromedaโs Birth Story
It was Friday August 26th, 2016. You were six days "overdue." I was walking home from the hospital in Manhattan, where we just passed our second post-date Non-Stress Test and BioPhysical Profile. On the way home I decided to get a chai latte, because the last time I had one it had given me cramps (which was good since I wanted labor to start!), and cause they are delicious. I got off the subway in Brooklyn and was headed down busy Utica Ave when all of a sudden I felt a drop in my pelvis and lifting out the top of my head, like my spirit jumped out of me. It startled me. I took some deep breaths and told myself to stay in my body. I walked carefully to the store, picked up some groceries, and headed home. It was hot.
When I got home I went to the bathroom and I saw that I had lost the mucus plug. You had already been riding low but I guess in that moment I had felt you drop lower and knock the plug out! I got excited and texted our doula Lindsey and your Dada Monty. I went about the afternoon as normal and started getting sporadic cramps. They started getting stronger. Monty thought this was it, but I still wasn't sure so he went to a work party. I tried to eat dinner but it was hard to eat with the cramps. I forced it down. I was going to the bathroom a lot. Everything was getting intense. Eventually I asked Monty to come home.
He walked into the apartment with a huge smile on his face to find me bouncing on the birth ball. We talked for a few minutes. Then he walked over and bent down to talk to you in the belly. He gave you a little pep talk. Then he got up and I suddenly got the biggest cramp yet! It threw me off the birth ball and onto my hands and knees on the floor. Towards the end of the cramp my water broke forcefully like a big waterfall.
I was pretty surprised but played it cool. Almost as though I was watching it all happen from outside of myself. I went to the bathroom and saw that the waters were clear, yay! It was about 7:45pm. Well this was really it. We were so excited and sent a flurry of text message alerts to our doula and beloved friends and family who were lifting us up in their thoughts and prayers. Our friend, your Auntie Debbie came over to pick up our dog Balu. Labor didn't start right away. I kept having cramps, but they were 10 minutes apart or so and not that uncomfortable.
We went to bed. Dada fell into a deep sleep, but I woke up about every 8 minutes throughout the night to have a contraction. I spent some time laying in your room by myself, running to the bathroom frequently. Monty kept getting up to check on me and asking me to come back to bed. The bed just wasn't very comfy! Eventually I did get back into bed. Every 8 minutes I woke up to get onto all fours, and kept asking Monty to rub my back. By 4am I couldn't sleep anymore. I was up and contractions were getting closer together. I wanted to let Monty keep sleeping, but I didn't want to be alone. I found myself feeling scared. I kept thinking, โWow, I have been to almost a hundred births and I feel scared! How much more scared must women feel who have never even seen a birth before?!... But then again, maybe ignorance is bliss!โ So I called our doula Lindsey and asked her to come over. She came over right away and of course the contractions calmed down immensely. We chatted, I contracted, Lindsey rubbed my back. It was the sacred wee hours of the morning spent in what felt like a red tent. It was nice. When the sun rose Lindsey suggested that we go for a walk, which sounded interestingโฆ
We went around the block and soaked up the early morning Sun. I saw the Sun rising and was filled with overflowing emotions and gratitude. I cried tears of thankfulness and joy. I was so happy to be having you baby! Lindsey gave me a hug. She encouraged me to take strength from all the other Mamas I have seen give birth, which felt good.
We came back home and I was on all fours on the birth ball. It was getting stronger. I puked. I woke Monty up. I took a shower, which felt nice. The contractions were hurting a lot. Lindsey told me that she thought it was still early labor, especially because I was so cognizant and acting like a host in-between contractions. She suggested that maybe something psychological was holding me back? She challenged me to look deeper.
I spoke of my fears.
I was afraid to let my little dumpling out into the world. I was afraid to release my most intimate creation of all time. I was afraid of falling so deeply in love and my heart breaking into a million pieces. I was afraid of being a mother 24/7 forever. It's such a huge responsibility!!!! Monty and Lindsey helped me talk through these fears in-between contractions. Then I asked Monty if we could do a Jibun ceremony to help me. We had a Daruma doll gifted to us 2 months prior and had kept meaning to do the ceremony but putting it off. It ends up that we were just waiting for the exact right moment. He set it up. We took the Daruma doll with no eyes, and stating our intention, put an eye sticker on its left eye. My intention was to let go of my fears and to birth this baby. To welcome her with open arms and an open heart! There were so many tears. It felt good to do something symbolic to help me move past the fears I was facing. The moment the ceremony ended a wave hit and I was back on my hands and knees on the birth ball again.
Lindsey said that it seemed I labored best when I was alone and undistracted by my desire to host everyone else. So I spent some time in the bedroom alone, calling out for help and back rubs with strong contractions. Before long, I told them I wanted to go to the hospital. It was about lunchtime. I thought that maybe I would be able to let go better if I was in the location where I was planning to deliver. Monty and Lindsey made all the preparations. I puked again. Our friend your Uncle Herman came over and picked us up in his car. I put on headphones and sunglasses in the backseat and cried on the way to the hospital. Monty cried too. So many emotions!!! So much releasing. Herman lovingly drove us through this epic city of traffic. There were SO MANY potholes! It was a bumpy ride. Lindsey said I was being very/too polite. Sitting there quietly moaning in my seatbelt. She and I have both seen Mamas in crazy positions in the backseat screamingโฆ so I tried to let it out a little more, but was definitely not in the labor zone. Crossing Manhattan uptown the last 15 minutes of the ride was the worst. I wanted to get there so bad! The pressure in my pelvis was really building. Finally we got to the hospital and I started to feel relieved right away.
Dr. Nabizadeh (my doctor was 1 in a practice of 5, and she was actually the one there that day. I was so lucky cause I love her!) checked me in triage. I was 3cm dilated, 100% effaced, and baby was low at zero station. I wasn't thrilled with being only 3cm, but the rest of the exam was good. It was also interestingโฆ I felt like I had never heard that exact exam before. The doctor said I could go home if I wanted to, or be admitted to labor and delivery, but not the Birth Center because I was not far enough along. Monty, Lindsey, and I had a consultation, and I decided to be admitted to L&D. I didn't mind, as long as I was allowed to be in the shower. When you had been in the womb, I asked you where you wanted to be born, and you had said very clearly, "St. Luke's Labor & Delivery!" I sill tried to get us into the Birth Center, but in the back of my mind your little voice always reminded me that was probably not where I would end up. So I had a lot of peace about it in the moment.
Upon arriving to labor and delivery the nurse put me on the monitors and part way through the 20 minutes your baseline heartbeat went from 140 to 120. The nurse got nervous and said I might not be able to take a shower. Lindsey and I rolled our eyes. Lindsey spoke up for me saying 120 was still a good rate, and I told the nurse that your baseline was all over the place at the non-stress test just the day before. Eventually the baseline came back up and I got approval from my amazing doctor for intermittent monitoring. So I jumped in the shower and it helped a lot! I was feeling so discouraged about the 3cm exam and how much it was hurting that when I was getting out of the shower I told Lindsey that I wanted to be checked again. She gave me a look and I said, "I know it's really soon!" She said, "Yes you just got checked. And you just got here. Give yourself a chance. This is the first time in 3 hours that you get to actually try to labor." It was just the reality check that I needed to hear. So I said to myself, "Ok, give this a shot a for awhile."
I went back and forth from the shower to the monitors, and back again, I think for 3 or 4 rounds of each. During one of my showers I heard Ina May in my head and asked Monty to come in and smooch me, which he gladly did. It helped just as much as everyone says it does! Throughout the afternoon my Mom, Sister, and Monty's mom all came in to say hi and give me some good love and encouragement. That helped a lot too. Lindsey kept telling me all the most amazing things, like, "This is temporary. Your body knows how to give birth. You have it in your lineage, the wisdom in your blood and your bones." As a doula myself, when I am saying encouraging things to women in labor and they are so in the zone, I often have no idea if what I am saying is helping them or not. And as the birthing woman I was amazed at how helpful everything little thing that she said was!!! I was so grateful. Lindsey gave me lots of good back massages. Monty kept coming into the bathroom to remind me of my mantras "You are opening up SO BIG!!!" "Everything is gonna be ok." "Breath, you can do this." "I trust my body, I trust my baby, I trust this process." And to give me kisses and smiles. When I was being monitored the nurse helped me to get setup every time in a supported child's pose leaning against the back of the bed, and I stayed there for 20 minutes, often falling asleep or majorly zoning out between rushes, although our doula said I was super cognizant.
Each hour got more and more intense. We had arrived at the hospital about midday. Around 5pm I asked to be checked again. Dr. Nabizadeh said ok. I warned Lindsey and Monty that if I had not made what I considered to be good progress, then I wanted to get an epidural. I was very firm on the matter! It was hurting a lot of course, but also I was exhausted. I had not figured out what number I was going to consider good progress, but was playing it by ear.
She checked me and to all of our surprise I was 8-9cm! Thank God. I was SO HAPPY. I realized that I did not want an epidural at this point, but I did ask the doctor if I could try the nitrus oxide. She encouraged me that she didn't think that I needed it. She said that whatever I was doing was working great. That I had a great flow and just needed to keep doing what I was doing. I kept my chin up and said, "Ok!" Although as I got back into the shower I did manage to grumble a couple of times about how she didn't let me have the nitrus! Lindsey reality checked me and encouraged me again. Lindsey said that what I really needed was Oxygen, and to breath the oxygen in with every deep breath. That helped so much! I felt like I needed โsomethingโ and the idea of breathing in the oxygen really worked for me.
I was having a hard time staying relaxed during the contractions, as I had been trying to do throughout the whole labor. I mentioned this to Lindsey and she told me it was okay not to force myself to relax anymore, and to instead let my wild animal out! She didn't need to tell me twice! I let it all out as best I could. Moaning, groaning, mooing, moving, and some cussing. Sitting on the toilet felt the worst. Being on hands and knees in the shower felt the best. I asked Lindsey to come and stay with me in the bathroom during this shower, which she gladly did, pressing on my back during rushes, and giving me all the encouraging words. I did something that I had always wanted to do. I reached up inside and felt your head! Which was so exciting, like an electric shock, that suddenly made me have a really strong rush! It was so amazing to touch you, but also your head seemed really big and really hard and I thought, โOh no! How in the heck am I gonna get that thing out of there?!โ I knew I needed to not think about it, and just go with it. So I did my best. Back on the bed for more monitoring, the visions of other powerful Mamas I have seen transition flashed through my eyes. Somehow I felt like they had all made it looks so natural and beautiful. I took strength from them, as I felt like I could barely hang on. I grabbed ahold of a bundle of sage that we brought, clinging it tightly and smelling it in between contractions. I also smelled some lemon essential oil. I asked Lindsey to tell me that my butt wasnโt going to explode, and I kept asking her to tell me to inhale and exhale as I was practically hyperventilating. Later we laughed about it so much, because she was trying to say inhale and exhale with me but I was breathing so fast it was near impossible!
Thankfully, the doctor came back in before too long and it was time to push. I got into the classic hospital position that I had seen so many times before. I was not flat on my back, but reclined in a semi-sitting position. Lindsey held my left leg, the doctor and the nurse held my right. Monty was up by my head helping me hold it up, with so much joy and wonder in his eyes. Everyone was cheering us on. Pushing was really painful. I asked Lindsey and the doctor, โHey, isnโt this the part that is supposed to feel good?โ The doctor told me I basically skipped the feel good part and was going straight into the โring of fireโ because you were so low! โOh great,โ I thought, with mixed feelings. I was so excited to meet you and glad that you were so low, but overwhelmed by the sensations my body was experiencing. I pushed as hard as I could, and then a little harder. Your head popped out and I wanted to keep pushing but the doctor told me to stop and wait. Before long I pushed your body out, and that hurt so much. It felt like my insides were being ripped out of me.
I instantly went from one of the worst feelings of my life, to the best feeling of my life... when they put you on my chest, warm and wet and wiggling, covered in the waters of the womb. I was literally melting into our very own puddle of love. Feeling you in my arms that first time was like the ultimate return to Oneness that we all spend our lives seeking. You were here, alive, healthy, and already full of love. Everyone was happy. You, Dada, and I were all crying. Monty and I were crying tears of joy and relief. You may have been crying tears more for returning yet again to the pain of existence, I don't know for sure. One interesting thing happened though. As I was pushing, I was making this repetitive grunting sound, "rrr, rrr, rrrr," and when you came out the sound transferred to you. I stopped grunting but you picked up exactly where I left off, "Rrrr, rrrr, rrrr." Dada thought it was so funny. Our connection showing itself like that straight away. I held you and we cuddled and smiled and cried. The feelings of joy and relief and awe were incredible, but the biggest feeling of all was LOVE for you our sweet babe.
You didnโt want to nurse, and that was okay. You just wanted to look around and try to talk and cuddle. Shortly after our friends and family came to meet you. I felt myself on a crazy birth and spiritual high, and was so happy to hold you and to see others hold you as well. The feeling of joy was so strong, it really supported us, and still does to this day. The joy and love that you have brought to this world is such a blessing to us all. Dear Andromeda, right away you amazed us with the power of your communication, clarity, and love. Thank you for having the courage to come to this world and shine your light. We love you more than I can say.