i know i've kissed you before

"but i didn't do it right / can i try again?" Ev. 26. they/them or she/her. Sometimes Sappho whispers to her gay daughter.

[sapphowhispers]

Home country

The heat is unrelenting again, everlasting, parasite making my body its host the asphalt on the ground frying its prey the nauseating smell of the sea in my lungs the white ceiling of this tiny penthouse, a solar panel fueling the sauna spanning inside these walls. Loving means staying.

[cute-chamomile]

“Maybe the problem is that I look for myself in dumpsters and dark corners. Or maybe I never learned how to store all the love I get. This is my formal apology; I’m asking for shelter again.”

— I’m still learning how to not step on broken glass, please help me.

[sapphowhispers]

I realize now, terribly late, that every time I was promised forever I was desperately clinging into this big idea that people can, and will, burn the world into staying

but the truth is, apart from tragic fates there is an option, equally heartbreaking: they can choose to leave, if they want very few arsons are worth the trouble

and I've lost the ground I walked on I've missed shots and ignored markings on walls I've obeyed like a dog, too afraid to be left alone sat and rolled into places I never should have gone

because I thought, surely, their tongues will speak of me even martyrs need an audience, even my father will look at me, one day, dawn before the full moon

and the times I've tried tasting it (forbidden fruit, dark poison on my lips, stinging 'till I showed my baby teeth, crooked) it's slapped off my hands, crimson glass shattering

they understand what I've become in my reckless pursuit of constants; they look with horror and disgust, a cracked mirror that can never work again

// on people pleasing //

[sapphowhispers]

If my lips could speak it I think it would end us both for you are not ready for the warmth (you were raised in the cold, learned to be a stone before you deemed yourself a coal, and you find every fire a menace) and I've been burning for so long that I might just turn to ashes, should I let you know how I've been sitting, weeping, wilting ever so slowly

People see what they believe; you, made of honey guarded by wasps, me, made of marble frozen in time

But don't they see it? How I carved my heart to keep you safe? How I'd stand in front of any winds that want to blow you away? Don't you see it? Do these lips have to move? Must this throat ache before you see that I am waiting, mouth open for you to stick to me, sweet and golden?

I've been an ancient mountain waiting for the spring and you have been the snow ready to melt and run through me

a flame reborn (lan zhan's monologue)

[sapphowhispers]

I remember

how i'd hold my hands up in prayer

begging for my father

who was never of faith

and i wonder if - no, I know

you sit with your eyes closed

talking to an almighty being, every night,

wishing people around you were

different. saint-like. more like

you

I wonder if this is why

I keep coming back to

whatever you're doing now

(what are you even doing now)

this is judgement. I mean it.

this is eyes half closed

this is bitterness on (my) tongue

this is words that would condemn (me)

does it sound familiar to you?

[sapphowhispers]

I wish I had

Something to say

To those who want to listen

But every day just

Passes

By

And I have no thoughts left

[sapphowhispers]

Oh how the pieces fit together;

always searching for a home, everturning

ever-aching

you put your best act up, you

get soft, too soft, you

try time and time again

to only be pink, like your

lover's flushed cheeks you were;

like petals flowing in the wind you were;

despite the worry and the mud

you wanted to be at home

and, my God, what a home you became.

[sapphowhispers]

[sapphowhispers]

Silent girls

Hush now, you do it so well -

didn't you know, you're made to serve?

You were taught to obey

and then came the day

you taught it all again,

the silence, the pain.

You gave it to your daughter -

she must learn not to bother

with her big and bright ideas,

she should choke them with her tears.

Tell her words can be spoken

only when she's finally softened

under all of your wills.

[sapphowhispers]

I unfold the darkness, only to find more of it. It expands in ways I cannot forsee. If I mention the void, I need you to notice. It's insatiable; I need more eyes than they exist, more mouths than those who can praise me. Yet, I fold and tuck myself underneath the bed, I sleep with this eternal martyrdom. Speak, child; nobody can hear you when you're silent. I name myself Pluto, then I want to become the sun.

[sapphowhispers]

Yeah I know I should be proud of the scars on my feet but I wish my tenderness wasn't built on my tear-stained cheeks. I deserved to give out warmth because of my life, not in spite of it. The child in me is still wailing out of unearned guilt. I can still feel her cries on my back when it's getting cold.

[sapphowhispers]

Forgiven

Salvation is a sweet mother granting me  the ultimate blessing: “you are forgiven”

[sapphowhispers]

you love a girl and life becomes an endless countdown -  how much time till my mother hates me how many people to my wedding how many goodbyes will i say “dad has savings for you” not for me not for me not for me not for me they’re for a meek daughter who loves boys  but not for me you love a girl and your other loves get an expiration date - a clock that ticks for me a closet that i’ve outgrown “we’ll always love you” not me not me not me not me not me you love a meek daughter who loves boys but not me

[sapphowhispers]

These hands want to always hold you (close) (when there's nothing and everything to hold onto)

These eyes need to always look for you (under the starlit sky) (honey, how do you manage to steal the moon every night?)

I know that even flowers talk more but we were never the shouting type, so let's keep this a whisper until our arms scream for the salvation of our embrace.

[sapphowhispers]

I check and look again

to see if everyone's there -

the kids look happy, I

miss them with every stare.

Where are you, I wonder,

you never skipped home;

is your life alright,

did you get a mind of your own?

Oh, I want to say that

it doesn't kill me anymore.

But I've become ice-like

and I break in the slightest warmth.

[sapphowhispers]

my hands have always been a little trembling, like delicate rose petals, shuddering at every breeze. never learned how to cope with all this guilt you gave me. maybe your intentions were good but i’m still sinking in this honey. when i ask God, He tells me that He ditched fear as a parenting technique years ago. i wonder why He couldn’t change your mind. 

[sapphowhispers]

a lake is in your eyes, soft and bright in the night, I love to cancel out everything else but them, delighted by the fact that they exist. it’s truly a wonder; how you fine my tightest heartstrings, I gasp from all the kindness your heart bestows. in your hands, I see my future, full of sparkling joy and laughs, big and small, some knees might get bruised, but we know to lean on each other and use band aids. mark my words: some people got some nerve, ignoring our existence, but darling, our love outshines their dull lights, their paper-thin hearts have never seen lives quite like ours. when we lay on our bed, remember? it was just before drifting to sleep, you kissed my forehead and held me tight as you said that this is what you want; us being as close as possible, our lips like velvet, making fires burn and butterflies spark with our touch; we will be  xenial to our mistakes and yearn to understand. what i’m trying to say is: there are a zillion ways to love you, and I want to learn them all.