Euphoric Reveries @sappyrandh - Tumblr Blog

I’ll forever be sorry for my parents.

Unspoken words, shown through tears I shed on the first day of raya. I didn’t have to say it but my parents got it anyway. Tears I’ll shed forever from this raya till my last.

I hate to be the cause of feud between Tok and Mama but somehow I will always be dragged in, albeit unknowingly. You can only tune out the noises, the sarcastic remarks for so long. Mama won’t show that those words hurt her but I will always know.

I hate to think that choices I made indirectly hurt my mom but they did, in more ways than one. But, were they really choices I made? What if those were the only cards I was dealt with? Would that make any differences? I don’t want to know.

I will carry this guilt forever.

#sappysphotos #vsco

It is almost as funny as it is sad.

This unspeakable sadness like no other :(

Just when I thought that it couldn’t get any better than 2023, it did.

Achieved many more milestones this year, albeit unexpectedly.

Alhamdulillah for the good and the bad. Here’s hoping for a calm 2025! 2024 has been such a hectic year i needa break fr

Lo and behold, I turned 30 recently.

It was bittersweet.

Okay, who am I lying to. It was definitely more bitter than sweet. Chose to go to the office that day because I know myself too well. Spending that day alone, at home, on leave was not ideal at all. I’d be bawling myself out and nope, that’s not the energy we’re going for.

But you know what they say, you can only run so much. Supressed emotions will always find their way to the surface and surprise surprise, they did.

Had a lovely dinner the next day with Farhan. We talked, talked and talked. About nothing and everything and everything in between. Expectations that come with being in your 30s, what we have achieved so far, whether we’ve done justice to our 20 year old self, bla bla bla. Tons of self reflections. At one point during the dinner, I was holding back tears and was chanting BIG GIRLS DON’T CRY throughout.

Lol when the truth is, big girls don’t cry at some fancy restaurant. They go back home and cry hahahahaha which is what happened.

It was overwhelming, to say the least.

Turning 30 marks a death of a part of myself. A demise I saw coming but still hit me like a truck. A forceful ending that I came to term with that night. It was as if I was attending my own funeral. I cried, cried and cried. And no, that did not lead to a rebirth of some sort. It just feels like there’s nothing else to do other than to just move on. And move on I did.

Here I am, a week after that night and it still hurts to think that I am 30.

Hating myself bcs I know I’m projecting. I’m fully aware when I do that and distancing myself always gives me back the perspective that I need. But I’m engulf with guilt each time I do that.

Honestly, a truly dumb cycle.

Honestly, I am very, very tired of being the one to feel more.

He’s a gentle soul. So gentle that every word he says is filled with warmth and kindness. He’s nice and kind without being overwhelming. He says things like “I can’t hate you” and “I appreciate you” with so much honesty and rawness that those words made me feel comforted, and not all frightening. I don’t have to worry about things being awkward because he has made him saying all those ordinary and he does that purely out of respect to me as a friend.

He has been my benchmark for “a great guy” and has really set the bar high for me.

So when it happened, he broke. And when he broke the news to me, I too broke. It’s one thing to see your girl friend cries but it’s another completely alien thing to see your guy friend cries.

Just so tired of putting effort where it will eventually go to waste and putting words in other people’s mouth. For once, can those energy and effort be reciprocated?

I hope I’m not asking for too much.

Episode 11’s ending is not the reunion I was hoping for 😭😭😭😭😭

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