A Blog About Food

From a sarcastic newbie

[sarcasmkitchen-blog]

Carb-light pizza?!? Is that even a thing?!? YUP. This weekend’s “snack” is my favorite go-to meal when I’m craving pizza. But instead of ordering out and instantly regretting my choice while I sob into a philly cheese steak pizza and garlic knots, I made my own GUILT. FREE. pizza. Here’s how: I bought a bag of pre-riced cauliflower from Costco because buying stuff in bulk makes me feel in control. Don’t ask me how, but it does. I prepped that per the instructions on the box, and then added eggs, cheddar cheese, garlic powder and salt to the mix. Popped that sucker in the oven on a cookie sheet lined with aluminum foil sprayed with coconut oil for 20 minutes and let it get all nice and golden brown. Top with your choice of toppings - in this case mine were ricotta and feta cheese, pesto, and sliced beets and throw that back in for another 5 minutes. I had a chicken pesto sandwich from Sam Lagrassa’s in Boston for lunch yesterday which gave me the inspiration to make the pesto. But the ingredients and instructions for homemade pesto scared me so unfortunately it’s from a jar. Feta and ricotta are not only amazingly delicious but they’re also healthier on the cheese chain. Also cheese chain > food chain. I’ll fight you on that. And beets. Because the color is pretty. Legit that’s the only reason I chose it. I’ve LITERALLY never had a beer before but I know it’s pinkish like that so I went with it. Deal 😎😎 And that’s my snack for the weekend!! I bought extras so when I run out (which it will because I already went back for seconds), I can make more.

[sarcasmkitchen-blog]

This week’s meal is probably one of my favorites to cook!! It’s loaded with protein, good fats, grains, and greens!! The salmon is marinated in teriyaki sauce. The kind from a jar and not from scratch. Because I got too lazy and too broke to make good teriyaki. Also it’s not so much “marinated” as it is poured over. After I seasoned the salmon. Because I forgot. I shredded a sweet potato over the weekend and portioned it out into four servings. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. (Math is easy). I fried them in coconut oil, which turns out takes a lot less time to fry than regular oil. I low key burnt them. But the crunch is still great! The brown rice and quinoa is minute rice, like the kind in a cup you throw in the microwave for 60 seconds. I’ve never been good at cooking rice except if it’s in a microwave. It’s one of the only times I’ll ever use it, because ratio active stuff and I prefer putting my heart and soul into food and you can’t quite do that in a microwave. I quickly sautéed spinach and kale with red bell peppers and sliced up an avocado because mainstream good fats are good for you! And there you have it!! A deliciously healthy post workout dinner!! I also ate two things of string cheese on my way home because your metabolic window is real.

[sarcasmkitchen-blog]

My first food picture:)

Scrambled eggs with salmon, bacon, and shredded potatoes.

The inspiration of this dish came off the menu of my first waitressing job. Salmon Eggs Benedict. Which I ALWAYS ordered - and still do when I visit. Because The Red Lion Inn's hollandaise sauce is DE-F*CKING-LICIOUS. Buuuut, I'm a beginner, and hollandaise sauce is way out of my skill range.

So I made the closest thing. An omelet with salmon. However, as mentioned before, I'm a beginner and when I went to flip the omelet it broke. So scrambled eggs with salmon it is!! That's the eggssplanation for the eggs. Get it, EGGS-planation?!?!?! Every pun intended on that joke!

The shredded potatoes is straight forward. I ran a yokon gold over a mandoline slicer thing. I got that idea from the kids on MasterChef Junior. And if they can bang out dishes I can't pronounce using one of those slicer things, so can I. And I did. And they came out pretty well.

The bacon. I started cutting out protein from pork, especially bacon (gasp). I'm actually more of a fan of turkey bacon than actual pork bacon (double gasp!) Because turkey bacon has a higher protein/lower fat content than bacon. And I'm (keyword) TRYING to eat healthy and make healthier choices. But this bacon is actual pork bacon. I've seen all of the one-sided food documentaries where animal-based protein is the root cause of diabetes, or how farmers raise the animals for the production of the chicken nuggets you find in the freezer aisle. But this bacon is from my dad's farm. From pigs he raised. Which he fed from the hay he harvested over the summer. And if you didn't bail hay over the summer while working on your stereotypical and all-too-literal farmers tan, did you really have a summer vacation?!?

 And there it is!! My first food post on my new blog. Dated January 1, 2018. I appreciate the feedback/comments/concerns/compliments/constructive criticism, anything you have and want to say! Any suggestions, I will be sure to take that into consideration the next time I make this dish (which will be just about every weekend).

Also any ideas on equipment to use for better pictures for blogs is appreciated, as this picture was taken on an iPhone 7 with a cracked screen and multiple filters (thanks Instagram).

[sarcasmkitchen-blog]

And so it begins...

As with everyone around the world who “commits” to New Years resolutions, this blog is to help me keep on track.

Ever since I was a junior in college; left an abusive relationship where he tried to “whip me into shape”, controlled what I ate, called me fat, ordered me salads at dinner, etc, I started to learn how to take care of my body and feed it right and treat it right. Has it been easy? F no. Have I been 100% consistent and honest? I just meal prepped for the week while inhaling dominos pizza.

In the 7 years since then, I’ve joined gyms, diet groups, tried the master cleanse (10/10 DO NOT RECOMMEND IF YOURE LAME WHEN IT COMES TO SPICY SH*T). I’ve followed fitness moguls, chefs, fitstagram models and everyone in between on every social media site possible. While I don’t have .002% body fat, can’t run more than three minutes without losing consciousness, I do work out a lot and I credit that for me being able to keep my “skinny fat” physique.

This blog isn’t about fitness, although I’ll mention my workouts, personal records, personal fails, wins, losses, etc. This blog is about the nutrition aspect of a healthy lifestyle. Ever heard the phrases “it’s 80% nutrition, 20% fitness” or “abs are made in the kitchen”? Hopefully this blog will keep me honest about what I’m feeding myself.

Will my posts be annoying? Probably. Will my posts feature 100% healthy vegan, gluten free, no sodium, no fat, no sugar, no carb meals? Absolutely f*cking not. Otherwise I’d post pictures of ice cubes in different lighting. But I’m starting. And starting is the most important step any person of any shape, size, weight, color, ethnicity, weight loss (or weight gain) goal can do.

I hope you enjoy what you see! I’ll be getting tons of ideas such as sauces, side dishes, main proteins, etc from Yummly which I just downloaded and it’s already amazing!! Feel free to drop suggestions, comments, questions, if I’m doing something oh so very wrong or if something could use some retweeking. I can’t wait to begin this journey!!