Insecurities
A requested bonus scene for "A Better Life"! And my first request! I had a blast with this, and wound up doing a whole cannonball into insecurities instead of just dipping a toe in. Woops...
Request: would you mind writing about something in the a better life series where the reader is a little insecure and az reassures her?
Word count: 3.4k
Azriel x Archeron Sister
Masterlist
Taglist: On hold until the shadowban is lifted (as no one gets notified when I post with the ban still in place)
When Mor wants something, Mor gets it. Unfortunately, what she wants is to celebrate my visit back in Velaris with a night out at Rita’s. This is my first time back since Nyx was born, so I was hoping for a quieter evening in with everyone. “Quiet,” however, is not a word in Mor’s vocabulary. As Feyre and Rhys stayed home with their son, they promised me they’d spend all day tomorrow with me to make up for their absence tonight.
While I thought I wanted the quiet night, Rita’s proved to be fun as well. Mor hadn’t dragged me onto the dance floor just yet, so I enjoyed sitting in the booth beside Nesta, chatting with her and Cassian about anything and everything. Especially Nesta’s latest book recommendations.
“When you go home, I’ll pack up a few things for you to take back. Don’t think I didn’t notice how bare your shelves were when Cassian and I visited last month.”
“Ah, so what you’re saying is you’re going to send back a miniature library of romance novels, with a spice level no lower than 4 out of 5. Shall I also prepare a journal for my reviews so we can talk in length next time we see each other?” Cassian laughed, thinking I was joking, but Nesta’s eyes brightened in excitement.
“Not just reviews, but I want stream of consciousness. I can’t be there by your side to gauge your reactions, so I need to know everything about what you like and what you don’t so I can strengthen the next haul, ensure every book is to your liking.”
“Then for this first round, throw in a few mystery novels as well if you have them.” She raised an eyebrow and I shrugged. “I like to see if I can figure out the answer before it’s revealed.” Nesta looked to be deep in thought, mentally cataloguing everything she’s read and what could fit the “mystery” criteria.
Grabbing my drink, I noticed Azriel watching with mild interest in our conversation. Varian and Amren were speaking quietly to one another on one side, while Mor tried to convince Elain to try her tequila cocktail on his other.
“I’ve got a few mystery novels I can add to the collection. Maybe in your journal, you can note when you think you’ve figured it out and we can compare who solved it quicker.” I raised my glass to him, and he raised his beer in response.
“While I don’t like my odds, Spymaster, I’ll accept this challenge.” We both smiled as we finished the last of our drinks. Taking a glance around the table, I noticed everyone else’s glasses were low. As Elain and I each were on the end of the rounded booth and she was still trying to decline Mor’s invitation to try her incredibly strong drink, I took the initiative to get everyone’s refills. “I’ll go grab us another round.” Amren smiled as she finished the last of her wine as Azriel tried to stand to help. “You’re wedged in, Az. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be back in a minute.” He nodded, though with a slight hesitation, as he moved to settle back into his seat.
I moved around some of the stray dancers on the edge of the dancefloor to get to the bar, thankful there was a space opening up at the bar as I approached. Stepping in quickly before anyone else could, I waved down the closest bartender and requested everyone’s drinks. As the bartender began to make everything, I organized my coin purse to pay for the drinks and leave a hefty tip. I took a few minutes to look around my surroundings, smiling softly at the dancing couples and the groups of people laughing around the bar. A flash of blonde caught my eye, and I watched as Mor made her way to the center of the floor, dancing briefly with everyone she moved past. My smile grew at the image, though my eyes glanced back to our table. Elain was seated bit closer to Az, presumably so she wouldn’t have to move again when Mor came back from dancing. My smile dropped a bit, though I knew things weren’t like they used to be between them. She was writing with Lucien, and I knew Azriel was trying to get to know me better. But I watched the easy way they spoke to one another, the way they engaged so effortlessly. I watched as he chuckled over something she said, and I felt something tighten in my chest. It was easy to guess they were commenting on Mor as they were both watching her dance, a simple and safe topic, but that didn’t wipe away the sting of jealousy I had watching them together.
“Do you think the Shadowsinger will ever make a move on that female?” I tore my gaze from the table to the couple at the bar beside me.
“Who knows? We never see him with anyone, though it would be a shame if he lets this one slip away. They look so pretty together, don’t they? Opposites attract, and all that.”
They provided a bit more commentary to one another about my sister and my mate, suggesting ideas of their relationship simply being more private than others of the Inner Circle, before they collected their drinks and moved somewhere else. I didn’t watch where they went as my gaze fell back on the two in question.
They did look quite attractive. Elain was always light and petite, which I could agree paired well with his darker and larger build. Having always been the tallest of the sisters, I was always closer to the men’s height of our village, never really knowing what it was like to look up to someone or struggle to meet their eye. I also packed on a bit of muscle since moving to Winter due to maintaining the cabin and Fenrir’s stable all on my own. Feyre and Nesta had a bit of muscle themselves, but I always believed they had the build of dancers whereas mine feels… thicker than what they have. Elain, on the other hand, was as feminine as one could be, focusing primarily on “traditional” tasks a female would take on and not anything that could build a strength that could threaten the strength of the male on her arm.
My brain fell down the rabbit hole of thinking back to every encounter I’ve witnessed of the two of them, remembering how there’s always been an easy connection there. They never had to argue in order to be seen, to be on the same side. They never had to fight in order to keep the other’s attention. One simply exists and the other is in their orbit. If Nesta never said anything about the mating bond, would they still be together? Or would he have realized on his own what he had done and stepped away, chose me?
I was brought out of my musings by a bump to my back. Turning, I noticed the bartender sliding a tray holding all of our drinks towards me. I apologized for zoning out, handing over the payment and tip, and headed back to the table. Along the way, Mor caught up with me, sliding an arm over my shoulders while grabbing her drink for herself. She helped me pass out everyone’s drinks before saying she’ll take the tray back to the bar for me.
“You don’t have to trouble yourself with that, Mor! I’ve got it.” She smirked at me.
“Trust me when I say that this is no trouble. In fact, you’re doing me the favor of giving me an excuse to chat up the cute new bartender Rita brought on.” She winked as she sauntered off, and most of the table chuckled.
I tried to at least remain aware to the conversations around me as I nursed my drink, but I kept falling back into the thoughts of not belonging here, of not being enough. Nesta nudged me, brows slightly furrowed, but I tried to shake her concerns away with a smile. “Just tired, is all. Not used to nights out like this.” Nesta didn’t look convinced, but Elain nodded along like she understood.
“I normally don’t come out, either. What would you be doing now if you were still in Winter?” While Elain has been getting better at asking questions since our confrontation last time I was in Velaris, I noticed she never called Winter my home – just referenced it as a place I was currently staying at.
“I’m attempting to knit socks.” I chuckled to myself as I looked back down to my drink. “Right now, I’d be snuggled up on the sofa in front of a large fire, trying to figure out why I just can’t get socks right. Something about the way they curve at the heel is apparently baffling to me.” I shrugged as I thought about what else my nights would entail. “Tomorrow would have been a brunch day with Viv, so when I inevitably get fed up with the knitting, I’d move to the kitchen and bake something for those at the manor. There is a common fondness for ginger biscuits, so I’ve been toying around with some of those flavors. But now that I’m building up my own library, I imagine more reading in my future.” I glanced back up at Elain and she had a small smile on her face, though the same could not be said for everyone else at the table.
Before letting any possible looks of pity settle in my skin at my isolation, I swallowed back the rest of my drink. “And I believe this is where I’ll call it a night. Tell Mor I said good night and thank her for inviting me out, would you?” I kissed Nesta’s cheek in goodbye, squeezing Cassian’s extended hand at the same time, then nodded at Amren and Varian (genuinely shocked they were still here).
Elain stood to hug me goodbye, asking if I could join her in the gardens tomorrow. I agreed with a smile, mentally sorting through a possible schedule with Rhys and Feyre that would allow me time to break away, and we both watched Azriel stand from the booth before Elain could slide back in. “I’ll walk you back.” I was fully prepared to turn down the offer, content to wallow in my own self-pity, but the stern look in his gaze made it clear he wouldn’t accept any arguments. Biting back a sigh, I nodded and followed him out. As we neared the exit, my eye caught the couple from the bar, both of whom looked shocked he was leaving with someone other than Elain as they moved their gaze between myself and my sister, whispering to one another as they watched. Crossing my arms over my chest, I felt myself shrink a bit under their judgments, clearly not impressed with Azriel’s choice of company.
Once we were out the door, I only felt one pair of eyes on me instead of dozens. I kept my gaze forward, not wanting to look at the source of my anxiety. “Thank you for the offer, Azriel, but I can walk back on my own. I don’t want to take you away from your evening.” From my sister.
“Like you, nights out aren’t really my thing. I hope you don’t mind me tagging along in your escape.” Ah, so I’m just an excuse to leave as well. “And while I know you’re still here for a week, I was hoping you wouldn’t be opposed to me stealing you tonight for a bit longer? Walk around the city, just us?” Startled, I glanced up at him to find his gaze intense and locked on my own. “Please?” Doing the one thing I didn’t want to do, I stared into his hazel eyes and found myself agreeing without thinking. The smile he offered in response was so bright, I had to look away.
“Lead the way.” We were quiet as we walked, and I took the time to observe my surroundings. When I lived here, I never came out at night, which I’m learning was quite the shame as it truly is beautiful. Not just the sky, but the people became livelier at this time, all enjoying an evening under a clear, bright night. The moon lit up everything around us, and it’s like the buildings came alive as well under the moon beams. He walked me to a bridge over the Sidra, and I found myself in awe at the clear water reflecting the sky, as if the stars of Night lived in the water as well as the sky. I contemplated reaching out to see if I could actually scoop a star from the water, but decided to save that possible embarrassment for another day.
“This is my favorite place to go when I have something weighing on my mind.” I glanced at him, wondering what he was worried about. Was I so lost in my head that I didn’t even notice he was upset as well? He was leaning against the railing, arms crossed in front of him. His head was facing forwards, but his eyes were focused on me at his side. I felt myself slipping back into old roles, preparing to be a mediator for a possible argument he’s in with someone or soundboard for frustrations in trying to solve a problem. I didn’t know the tells of the Spymaster to know which role he needed of me now, but I’m pretty certain that I have experienced next to every possibility with three younger sisters always needing something.
“Are you alright? Do you want to talk about what’s weighing on you?” He turned himself to face me fully, though his features didn’t change to help me pinpoint what I could do to help.
“I was about to ask you the same questions. You’ve been quiet, in your head. And it’s more than just being tired. I thought maybe a place that helps me sort things out could do the same for you.” I blinked at him, trying to wrap my head around the abrupt change.
“Are you sure?” He raised an eyebrow. “It’s just… I do the listening, I don’t do the talking.” He eased his elbow onto the railing, relaxing into the position as if he was beginning to settle down for a long conversation.
“I get the sense that maybe it’s time for you to do some talking.” His eyes shifted, and he glanced down. “If you want to talk to someone else, that’s fine. I suppose I did just assume you’d open up to me…” I bit my lip, unsure of what to do.
Instead of talking, I moved closer to where he was and mirrored his previous position that allowed me to look over the Sidra instead of looking directly at him.
“I think that’s part of the issue.” I could practically feel his gaze on me, which made me focus more on how the skyline and water blended seamlessly into one another. “I don’t know how to open up to you.” I swallow, wondering if I should say what’s on my mind. “I suppose the only way to open up is to just do it, so thank the gods I have a few drinks in me to keep pushing me forward, but…”
I take a deep breath, closing my eyes only to envision him and Elain next to each other in the booth. Next to each other on the love seat. Next to each other at the dining table. “I wonder what you would have done if Nesta never said anything.” With my eyes still closed, I didn’t see him go still, but I could feel his stillness all the same. Something in the air shifted, and I let my shoulders droop. “It was so easy for you and Elain to be together. You brought her out of her shell, and it was clear to anyone with eyes that she lightened something inside of you as well. It’s why I never said anything when I still lived here. I couldn’t possibly be the selfish one, inserting myself into your narrative because I thought I should be there with no regard to what you and Elain wanted. It wasn’t just me involved in all of this. You cared for her, you chose her. And I wonder if Nesta never said anything, would you still be by her side because it’s so effortless?”
My words echoed around in my head as I continued to see him and Elain together behind closed lids, continued to compare myself to my younger sister in ways I never did before this bond snapped in place. He remained silent, and that tightness in my chest grew stronger the longer he kept quiet. I opened my eyes, vision blurry with tears wanting to spill, and decided it was time to go.
“Thank you for showing me this place, but I should head back – “
“I choose you.” I froze, back to him, when he finally spoke up. “I choose you as I should have from the very beginning. But even if Nesta never said anything, I know I would have still chosen you. You said it seems effortless and easy between Elain and I. In some regard, I suppose that’s true. But that’s because no decisions were ever needed between us. Nothing was ever at stake because we were never supposed to be together. I will continue to grovel for all of our days for the pain that I’ve caused you, but I know now what I should have known then, and that is that I don’t want effortless.” My brows furrowed as I turned to him, and he shook his head. “That’s not what I mean.” I watched him for a moment as he tried to form the words he’s struggling with.
He began pacing, alternating between rubbing his face and pulling at his hair as he tried to explain himself. “I want to be challenged. I don’t want you blindly agreeing with everything I’m saying, but questioning what I say, having different opinions on what I think so that we can have a deeper connection, a deeper understanding of each other. I want someone who asks questions when I’m talking about my day, disagrees with my theories of books, someone who calls me out on my bullshit. I don’t want the ‘easy and effortless’ life you claim Elain and I could have had because that was so… empty. We talked about the most mundane things because we didn’t know what else to talk about.” He turned and looked at me, eyes softening. “I want to read by your side in front of a large fire while you succeed in knitting your first sock. I want to join you in teasing Cassian when we tell him that Fenrir is the superior version of himself. I want to hold you in my arms when we can’t sleep as I take you flying and you tell me about recipes you’re trying out and how they’re different from when you made it in the human lands.” He gave up on pacing to move in front of me, grabbing my hands and holding tight. “I want you to be the one I go to when I’m happy, sad, furious with my brothers and their stupidity, when I’m exasperated with my brothers and their stupidity…” He gently raised a hand to wipe away the tears from my face. “I’ve chosen you, and I’m never going back on that. And I will be here when you’re ready to choose me, too.”
His words bounced around my head as if that would make it easier for me to process what he said. He remained silent, thumb continuing to wipe tears as they fell, eyes moving over my face as if committing this snot-filled moment to memory.
I choose you.
The hand that still encased in his tightened its grip slightly. “I choose dinner.” His brows furrowed and I fought back a smile. “With you. One of these nights while I’m still in town. Maybe we can talk about some of these books and theories you have.”
“It’s a date.”
