Reader is recovering from having her wings taken, and Cassian is the only one available to change her bandages when Mor is called away to Hewn City
The knock on your door was so quiet you barely registered it before the door slowly opened. It hadn't mattered that you hadn't told them to enter, you hadn't spoken since you were brought home. Everyone was used to your silence by now, everyone except him. “Mor was urgently called away to handle an emergency in hewn city with Azriel.” Cassian says, his tone soft as he lingers in your doorway. “If you want to wait for one of the sisters to come back I understand, but I'm not sure when that will be.” Cassian continues while indicating towards the fresh gauze in his arms.
You want to take him up on his offer to wait, but you think better of it, knowing it needs to be done. You gesture at him to come in, watching as he closes the door behind him. You turn your back towards him before your fingers shakily fumble with the buttons on your shirt. You hear him getting situated behind you. You take a steadying breath before slipping your shirt off your shoulders. You lower it just enough for your bandaged back to be accessible for him. You can't stop the tears that line your eyes.
Mor was always the one to do this for you, the only one to see besides Madja. You feel the gentle tug of the bandages as Cassian carefully removes them. The sharp intake of his breath causes the first tear to trail silently down your cheek. “I'm sorry. I'll be quick.” He says, voice soft but full of emotion. You fight the urge to pull the shirt back up as your composure starts to crack. You feel the cold balm against your skin where your wings used to be. You blink away your tears as your body starts to tremble.
Why did it have to be him? You question repeatedly. The cruelty of fate seems to know no bounds when it comes to you. After years of being in love with him you had longed for his gentle touch, never imagining it would be under these circumstances. His gentle touch gives you goosebumps before vanishing. Moments later you feel the fresh gauze being placed over your torn skin before he secures the bandages on top of it. He gently pulls the back of your shirt up, the kind gesture twisted into something cruel by your mind.
Your mind convinces you it's because he's disgusted by you. Thinking you less of an Illyrian because your wings were gone. All the insecurities you've been fighting are flooding your mind. Your eyes unfocused and distant as you shrink into yourself. The words inside your head shatter your composure, allowing tears to track freely down your cheeks. Everything seemingly overwhelming and burdensome as your breath quickens. A warm touch on your cheek pulling you back to the moment.
You wipe at it frantically, stopping when you realize it's Cassian. His thumb gently wipes away your tears. “Come back to me.” His voice coos softly, filtering through your thoughts. He gives a small, reassuring smile, “there's my beautiful girl.” He says, voice warm and calm. You hold on to his words, allowing them to anchor you, even if you don't believe them. “Did I hurt you?” He asks, his voice full of concern. You shake your head. A glass of water appears on your nightstand. “Drink this, you'll feel better.” He says holding the glass out for you.
You take the glass and drink a small bit while Cassian gathers up your old bandages to dispose of. You take a moment to rebutton your shirt, thankful it hadn't exposed you during your ‘episode.’ Cassian tosses the bandages in your small trash can in your bathroom. “Can I get you anything? Food? A book? Something different to drink?” Cassian asks, searching for a reason to stay. You shake your head, knowing you've already taken up enough of his time. “If you need me, I'll be just down the hall.” He says before reluctantly leaving you alone.
a/n: here’s cassian!! rhys is up next :) comment below if you’d like to be added to my tag list.
warnings: switch!cassian. oral f!receiving. praise. i think that’s it?
Cassian, whose love language is physical touch. He needs to feel you. A kiss on your forehead. Hands intertwined. It grounds him.
Cassian, who catches himself staring at you constantly. Even when doing the most mundane things. Fixing your hair; chatting with a friend. Memorizing every detail of your face, your mannerisms.
Cassian, who will do anything to make you laugh. Cracking jokes at the most inappropriate times. Wrapping his arms around you from behind, nuzzling into your neck, only to tickle you till you can’t breathe.
Cassian, who can’t help but get jealous. He waited so long for you. The fear of you leaving plagues him more than he’d care to admit. An arm around your shoulders in public. His grip tightening ever so slightly when another male approaches you.
nsfw below the cut. mdni.
Cassian, who swears he could live and die between your legs. Sucking your clit as his thick fingers pump into you. Grabbing your hips and pulling you impossibly closer as you ride his face. Bending you over and swiping his tongue through your folds from behind. He’ll take it however he can get it.
Cassian, who takes control just as much as he relinquishes it. Some nights, it’s your legs thrown over his shoulders, fucking you with abandon as he praises you for taking him so well. Other nights, it’s you riding him slowly. Breaking him down till he’s begging for more. And he’ll always beg.
Cassian, who loves slow, unhurried sex. Legs tangled; his breath warm against your skin as he peppers kisses everywhere. He’ll spend hours worshiping you; never quite knowing where he ends and you begin.
I imagine cass who grew up poor, and it shows in the way he never shares his food, like, EVER its part of his childhood trauma.
So everyone is flabbergasted when he a taste of everything he eats to reader. Thats how they figured out he liked her way before he even did
You're too polite to ask, but Cassian sees you looking. You'd delicately lifted two thin slices of meat onto your plate amongst a valley of greens and potatoes, but Cassian had snatched eight pieces without remorse and was now gnawing through number seven. There's an especially juicy piece laying against the side of his plate closest to yours, and Cass can practically smell the way your mouth is watering, regretting your choice to withhold.
Azriel sees it too. He's halfway through commanding a shadow to smuggle a piece of meat off of his own plate and onto yours to avoid the bloodbath that will ensue if you so much as breathe in the direction of Cassian's plate - really, the man is centuries old and still resource guards - when Cassian swallows with a gulp and knocks his plate away from him.
"Stuffed." He grins, teeth glinting in the light of the dining room as he winks at Mor. Her face had contorted in some sort of confused grimace, not only because Cassian had nearly knocked over her wine glass by shoving his plate into it but because he'd left food on it.
"Anyone want the rest? You want it?" He doesn't give anyone else a chance to reply before direction the question towards you, and while you're blinking bewilderedly, trying to figure out whether he's gone mad or not, he lifts it onto your plate anyways, "Here, take it."
There's meat on your plate now, and Azriel's shadows drop his own piece back down with something of a disgruntled huff.
"Oh. Thank you," You stammer, stabbing at it with your fork and knife like Cassian might take it back if you're not fast enough- a valid concern, honestly. You're wolfing it down as gracefully as possible, but Cassian doesn't move an inch towards you to take it back. Instead he settles back in his chair, sighing aggressively and glancing sideways at the wine.
"Got anything harder, Rhys?"
Cassian knows where the liquor is stored. He's just vying for something out of Rhys's personal stash, begging like a dog beneath the table, and Rhys's brows rise as he takes in Cassian's calm beside your satisfied chewing. He's constantly fighting Cass off from stealing the good stuff, but apparently tonight is a night of firsts all around.
"Actually, yes," Rhys stands, and Azriel watches curiously as he heads for his personal reserve, "Wait here."
Cassian turns to you in his wake, peering down at you as you finish the slice of meat, "Good, hm?"
You nod, cheeks bulging, and wipe the corner of your mouth with your napkin to rid it of sticky red juice.
"You've got a good appetite," Cassian observes, and Azriel instantly understands. It's attractive to him, Azriel realizes, Cassian's hot and bothered by the way you could house a steak faster than him, or at least put up a good fight. His brother's always been wild, brutish- he thinks Cassian's ideal relationship may be tearing into a piece of meat together like two rabid animals after a hunt. Rhys's footsteps click back up the staircase he'd descended and interrupt Azriel's brief vision of you and Cassian living in the woods together, stripping game and tearing into each other afterwards.
"We'll have this," Rhys passes the bottle directly to Cassian, an aged liquor that's surely older than everyone in the room combined, and the House politely provides glasses that appear next to the dinner plates.
Rhys settles back into his seat as Cassian gets to work on the bottle, using his teeth to crack it open in a characteristically aggressive sort of way. It's disgusting, but you seem both mortified and intrigued where you're sitting beside him.
"Here, honey." Cassian tips the amber liquid into your glass first, and Azriel and Rhys meet eyes from across the table, "Tell me when."
You hum, "Oh- that's good," and Cassian pours for two more seconds before filling his own glass.
He takes the same amount for himself, and only then relinquishes the bottle to the rest of the table.
Rhys strikes when Cassian takes his first sip, aiming to make his brother choke on his drink, speaking into his and Azriel's mind wryly: "Congratulations on learning to share, brother. Perhaps next, she'll teach you how to put a shirt on."
Nothing has felt the same since you left. The warm, inviting refuge of your shared quarters now feels cold; the morning light that once shone upon your smooth, sun-kissed skin now only highlights the empty side of the bed. Cassian couldn’t bear to move out after you left, hoping against hope that you would return and let him explain everything now. Let him tell you how much he let his cowardice ruin the way things played out and that he was ready to be brave.
He’d had no idea that when he left on that mission that he wouldn’t be returning home to you. That’d he’d only be returning just to break your heart and his. The Rebellion had given a lot to Cassian: a home, friends, a purpose. But it had also taken the most precious, important thing from him: you.
The moment he’d locked eyes with you across the tarmac was one he’ll never forget. Nanette had grabbed him immediately and kissed him on the mouth. He’d had to resist the urge to push her away and vomit at the taste of someone else on his lips. His eyes on your teary ones broke his heart, fighting against all his instincts to drop the woman in his arms and run to you. But then he saw the disbelieving expression on your face, then, the pain. The distress of having him rip out your heart in front of the entire Rebellion and seeming to not care at all that he’d left you bruised and bloody in front of your fellow rebels.
That? That destroyed him.
Cassian presses a hand to his still aching heart. It’s been months since he ruined his life, but the pain still remains.
Every time he enters his quiet quarters, he can't help but to remember how you’d filled the space. How you’d danced around the room, wearing only his shirt and your silly socks pooled around your ankles. How you’d sprawl out on the bed, holopad in hand, absorbed completely in a story. Every time, Cassian would lean against the doorway for a moment, admiring how beautiful you were even when you weren’t trying. He’d pad softly over to your side, lay next to you, and place tender kisses on your cheeks, then your neck. You’d giggle every time at the ticklish sensation, and the sound filled Cassian’s soul with life.
Before you, he’d survived. Had thought his life had enough purpose to keep going. But now? Now Cassian has no idea how he’d ever done it, how he’s even functioning now without your presence to make him feel alive.
The darkness had started to creep in there on the flight field as you’d turned your back and run away from him, from the pain he had caused you. His eyes had tracked you until you disappeared inside the hangar and it had taken every ounce of training to keep his face neutral and continue with Nanette.
He’d rescued Nanette from an Empire controlled planet. She was a double agent that fed information to the Rebellion, but apparently there had been suspicion cast on her when Rebellion information was found to have been traded to the Empire. Cassian’s mission – that he was not made aware of prior to take-off – was to "rescue" her and make it seem as if Cassian had been distraught at the idea of her taken captive by the Empire and that he had wanted to save her on his own. That he had feelings for her that never existed in the first place. Cassian had vehemently objected to the new mission, until Merrick let him know the real reason Cassian needed to keep her close: she’d somehow gotten her hands on information about you.
Cassian had apprised Merrick of your and his relationship not long after it began, letting Merrick know that if he saw an issue with the two of you performing your duties together then he needed to let Cassian know right then, or else he’d keep you as close to him as possible to ensure you remained safe. Merrick knew the quality of both your and Cassian’s work, especially when you were both on the same mission, so he had no issue with the relationship. That’s why he’d enlisted Cassian on the mission to keep your information out of the hands of the Empire, or else they could lose one of their best assets at a moment’s notice.
Cassian had still not agreed with Merrick having him act as if he had feelings for Nanette, but Merrick had insisted that the only way she would believe that Cassian wanted to save her for a reason other than her betrayal of the Rebellion is that she’d have to think he did it out of his own personal interest. Cassian’s previous dealings with Nanette had shown that she was indeed someone that was suspicious of people's motives. But when it came to love and romance, she was a very shallow, lonely person that was known to rush head-first into a relationship.
And so, in order to keep you safe, Cassian destroyed you both.
He knew, realistically, that what he’d done was unforgivable. That being intimate with someone else was a dealbreaker for you. You’d told him before of your parents - how your father had been unfaithful to your mother and how it had shattered her and turned you into someone who loathed disloyalty. You’d told Cassian in no uncertain terms that that was something you would not abide by. Cassian had assured you that he would never betray you in such a way, that he only had eyes for you, that his heart was yours.
He could only hope and pray to all the deities in the galaxy that you would eventually absolve Cassian of his sins against you. But what had he done? The one thing you were certain to never forgive.
And forgiveness feels unattainable at this moment.
You sit in a seething silence next to him, refusing to participate in any conversation that Cassian tries to start. You just stare at the holopad in your hand and read the mission briefing over and over again.
As angry as you are, as averse to Cassian’s company as you are, he can’t help but feel his heart spark with warmth at having you near again. It’s lukewarm at best, but he knows that if he were to reach over and take your hand (as ill-advised as anything could be), he would warm all the way through at the touch of your skin.
The thought of being warm for the first time in months must have muddled Cassian’s brain, since he feels his hand rise towards you before he can even identify the action. Your eyes flick from the holopad to Cassian’s hand. Your eyebrows draw down into a frown and you finally, finally, look at him.
Your eyes pierce right to the heart of him and he thinks that he’s never seen anything more beautiful than your face. Even when it’s pinched and red from anger at him, he still can’t help but stare longingly.
“What are you doing?” you question.
Cass drops his hand and pries his eyes away from yours. “Nothing,” he responds as he pulls out his vibrating holo to check the messages being relayed to him.
And then out of the silence that fell while Cassian replied to the messages: your voice. It’s not small, exactly, but the tension is palpable. “Is it her?”
Now it’s Cassian’s turn to frown, sad. He turns his eyes back to you, sorrow plain to see as his eyes meet yours. “No, mi amore, it’s not,” he says softly.
Cassian can see the tears that immediately spring to your eyes at the pet name. He knows that mi amore had always been the name that made you swoon, made you feel all the love he put into the words. It was unfair of him to say it now, but the vulnerability in your voice pleaded with his heart to comfort you, to give you the reassurance and comfort you clearly needed.
But you are not ready to be comforted by Cassian. Not ready to hear the reassurance he was trying to give. You are not ready to hear the apology in his voice
You nod quickly and look up to the cabin roof, blinking.
Cassian knows he shouldn't speak, that you don't want to hear his excuses right now, but gods help him, he wants you to know.
“Nannette and I, we were never–”
“I don't care, Cassian,” you interrupt as you rise from your cabin chair. “I don't want to know what you and Nannette got up to.”
You begin walking out of the cockpit but Cassian can't let you go again.
“We were never together!” he exclaims to your back, watching as you go rigid. It's now or never, Cassian feels that if he doesn't explain himself now, he'll never have the chance.
“It was for a mission,” he continues. “She was leaking Rebellion information and we needed a way to get her to Base so we could interrogate her.” His voice drops to a murmur as he says, “I did it for you; because you were in danger.”
Without turning around, you say, “So you're saying you broke my heart to protect me?” Cassian can feel the rage burning inside you even from his distance away. “Protect me, my foot. I can protect myself, Cassian. I don't need you to do it for me.”
“I couldn't take the risk, princessa. You're too important to me.”
“Was I important to you when you left me alone in our room that day? Left me alone for hours with no explanation, nothing?” You scoff mockingly. “Don't make me laugh, Cass. You were off getting drunk with your fake lover and left me to fall apart on my own. If that's your version of protecting me, I don't kriffing want it.” He hears your sniffles and sees a hand rise towards your face to wipe the tears that were surely falling. “I don't want to hurt anymore,” you cry.
Your shoulders begin to shake and you fold in on yourself, holding your tear-stained face in your hands. Cassian’s own eyes are misty and his heart is racing, because what you're saying sounds final, and Cassian doesn't want anything between the two of you to be final.
Cassian walks to you slowly and places a cautious hand on your shoulder, knowing that your preferred reassurances come in the form of action and touch. When you don't shrug him off, he offers the only words he has left.
“I'm so sorry, mi amore. I know what I did was a horrid, terrible thing, but it was only to keep you safe. I'd do anything to keep you safe.”
“Including hurt me?” you ask sadly, still hiding your face from him.
“She couldn't know,” he pleads. “If she had realized I brought her for any other reason, she would have fled. I needed to know how she got your details and aliases.”
“And you didn't think I should know? That I needed to be blindsided in front of all of our friends and colleagues?” Your voice whispers from your lips, pain making it ragged. “Why didn't you tell me?”
“I couldn't risk it getting back to her. We didn't know if you'd been bugged or if it's someone close to us selling you out.”
You gasp in several ragged breaths, fighting to keep your composure and not break down further. “You seem to forget that I'm also a Rebel spy, Cass. I know how to keep a secret and search for bugs and wires.”
“I have no excuses,” he begs, “only my deepest, sincerest apologies, mi amore. I wasn't thinking straight with you in danger. I did what I thought was best.”
“Well, your best wasn't good enough this time.” You rise from your crouch and turn your face to his. Your eyes are red and there are splotches and tear tracks on your cheeks. You look as broken as Cassian feels. “I don't accept your apology.”
So I’m half way done for my Azriel x Oc (Azriel x reader). And I know there is a Eris series also going on . But I really I was listening to some old songs (back from like 2010s) And I got an idea for Cassian x reader angst) …. So I’m asking my readers
Help me out
Court of calm Chaos chapter 9 (Azriel x reader (Azriel x reader))
Snowflake and the Fire (Eris x reader (Eris x OC))
