1. After a couple of weeks of being thoughtful of what I was eating, (this week being better than last), I put on a dress this morning which was too tight last month. It fits nicely and itâs given me motivation to keep going.
2. After smiling because of a dress fitting well first thing in the morning, I mentally bitch slapped myself and as a result of all this commotion, I fell down the stairs.
3. Falling down the stairs seems to have helped my back but wrecked what hope was left in my heart that Iâll become a cool old lady one day.
4. I heard a knocking sound on my bedroom window last night, so obviously I curled deeper into the duvet in fear before falling asleep and dreaming about how I was DiCaprioâs character in The Departed. I spent the entire film walking behind Matt Damon telling him I knew it was him and that to BE COOL because it didnât work out for either of us, was he not breastfed? Jack Nicholson gave me his number after he told me that I wasnât a great actor on account of ruining the plot, but I still seemed ânice enoughâ. I cried, woke up and high-fived myself because Jack Nicholson said I was nice in my own dream, and thatâs good enough for me.
5. I donât know if I was breastfed. Iâm somewhat certain of it because Iâm so well rounded. Like a boob.
UPDATE - After wondering about it, I decided to call my father to see if he could answer point 5 for me:
Me - Hi Daddy, how are you? Yadda yadda. Was I breastfed?
Dad- *coughs* Yes, yes you were!
Me - Thank you, I wasâŚ*dad interrupts*
Dad - *laughing*, Not for very long mind you, as I recall you were a greedy little bugger!
Me - Yes. Well. Thanks again!
Dad- *Louder laughter* You really were! Your poor mother was sore.
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