#truth #sassyellieblog #yup #helpmeimtired
I'd rather be in outer space đ¸
dirt enthusiast
occasionally subtle
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ellievsbear
i don't do bad sauce passes
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if i look back, i am lost
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"

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Mike Driver

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Monterey Bay Aquarium
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Love Begins
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@sassyellie
#truth #sassyellieblog #yup #helpmeimtired
Trying not to take this personally, but he retreated *into* the throw when I asked for another cuddle. #dogsofinstagram #adoptdontshop #hound #weirdo #love #dogs
Currently
(via gallowboo)
This is Max. (And only Stephen will know)
How are you all? Sleeping well? Getting the proper rest we need to continue the pretence of knowing what the hell we're supposed to be doing?
 How am I? My dreams are very vivid, thank you. Keeping my wakening minutes full of wondering if I should be certified. Last night on my dreamland adventure I slapped myself so hard while snoozing that there's a cut on my forehead. Which goes nicely with the WTF wrinkles bc WTF?
 Congratulations to all the children getting to go back to school today, because I'm truly happy that you'll get to scream and shout somewhere far away from me. Parental deafness is a Thing, and it's causing early death from Fear in me every time it sounds like a small human is dying because they were dragged against their will into the family day out to the supermarket.
A boy cried at my feet while I was choosing cheese the other day because he wanted into my trolley but his mum wouldn't let him, and if anyone had even noticed I was there I'd have said no thanks too. I waited patiently for my wensleydale, then had to lift said trolley over the still screaming child who was in a sitting protest against the regime he was born into. I respect his work, but Protest Boy, you gotta move out of the way for me - I'm old and chose the wheeled helper for a reason. The wine I'd stocked up on made the trolley heavy IT'S WHY I KEEP A £1 COIN IN MY POCKET, KID. WINE IS HEAVY. YOU'LL UNDERSTAND SOME DAY, MAYBE. Or maybe you'll live in a nice area where they trust you to take a trolley for free, who knows?
 Starting off the week in true Me style, like a pressured mess wrapped in a potato. Hoping the first few decades of my life represent a cocoon and maybe someday I'll wake up to my butterfly status, full of colour and life - talking figuratively, obviously, because butterflies are f**king gross.
 Happy Monday.
First ever year of skipping Halloween, and it feels wrong. So Iâm embracing snapchat filters while keeping up with the housewives, and learning that maybe a smokey eye can distract from scary roots? HAPPY HALLOWEEN, WITCHES! đđ¸đźđťđ#snapchat #halloween #useless
Oh hi
There's a storm coming. Before doing anything this morning I thought I was being very Grown Up and Organised by heading to the supermarket early for tasty grub and water. I arrive at the checkout, and the lady working there looks at my hair and says "Phew - is it that bad outside already?" No Lady. It was actually quite calm and balmy, and this is just How I Look.
I forgot to buy wine though! I bought bloody CANDLES but no wine, as if DR would rather have to look at me instead of drowning his sorrows as a hurricane rages on around him, not forgetting Storm Ophelia either, ha ha ha ha see what I did there I'm hilarious and in no way panicking over lack of grape juice and the possibility of no wifi.
Stay safe, everyone. Batten down the hatches.
âOh hey I see youâre trying to revive your career but WHAT IF petting me was your calling?â Procrastination 1 Occupation resuscitation 0 #winning đŠ #thatfacetho #cute #myheart #fridaymood #whatdeadline #love
You can't control how others behave, but you can control how you react - if someone is unkind, don't let them drag you down to the gutter. Head high, deep breath and prove how kindness is contagious. (And if they don't get the hint, let the anchor loose and steer clear!) #selfcare #love #bekind #thursdaythought
Points of fact.
1. After a couple of weeks of being thoughtful of what I was eating, (this week being better than last), I put on a dress this morning which was too tight last month. It fits nicely and itâs given me motivation to keep going.
2. After smiling because of a dress fitting well first thing in the morning, I mentally bitch slapped myself and as a result of all this commotion, I fell down the stairs.
3. Falling down the stairs seems to have helped my back but wrecked what hope was left in my heart that Iâll become a cool old lady one day.
4. I heard a knocking sound on my bedroom window last night, so obviously I curled deeper into the duvet in fear before falling asleep and dreaming about how I was DiCaprioâs character in The Departed. I spent the entire film walking behind Matt Damon telling him I knew it was him and that to BE COOL because it didnât work out for either of us, was he not breastfed? Jack Nicholson gave me his number after he told me that I wasnât a great actor on account of ruining the plot, but I still seemed ânice enoughâ. I cried, woke up and high-fived myself because Jack Nicholson said I was nice in my own dream, and thatâs good enough for me.
5. I donât know if I was breastfed. Iâm somewhat certain of it because Iâm so well rounded. Like a boob.
Good morning everyone.
UPDATE - After wondering about it, I decided to call my father to see if he could answer point 5 for me:
Me - Hi Daddy, how are you? Yadda yadda. Was I breastfed?
Dad- *coughs* Yes, yes you were!
Me - Thank you, I wasâŚ*dad interrupts*
Dad - *laughing*, Not for very long mind you, as I recall you were a greedy little bugger!
Me - Yes. Well. Thanks again!
Dad- *Louder laughter* You really were! Your poor mother was sore.
Me - *Hangs up*
âello
Iâm seeing a small improvement in my potting abilities, most plants donât immediately wither at my touch. However, despite wearing the largest apron to avoid bringing litres of soil home in my bra, I still can be found walking around a supermarket at 6pm looking like Iâve just dug myself out of my own grave and mumbling about being Hangry.Â
Turned another year older last week. People kept asking how I was handling getting closer to 40, but Iâm just thankful Iâve made it this far. Reflection of your life is important for sure, but sometimes it simply reminds you of how many stupid ways youâd have died if luck wasnât in the mix, you know? Thinking back is giving me stress wrinkles so Iâm gonna look forward and try not to trip.Â
Our internet isnât working properly, which makes evening relaxation time for DR more entertaining/terrifying as he watches me boil over with my rage aimed at a plastic box in the corner of the room, because DAMN IT! Season 3 of the Leftovers is on and I need to see him! Uh..I mean IT. I need to see the TV show and Justin has nothing to do with it why? Shut up.
I tried on a dress in a shop, liked it and bought it. Actually congratulated myself on being a grown up woman who isnât scared of changing room lighting. Then I tried it on at home and I thought Iâd have to die in it - The dress got 600 times smaller on the drive home. Restricted by the stupid waste of money fabric, I imagined a future in which I could deflate my ridiculous boobs at will before I realised I could maybe Hulk myself out. Super Strength led to wiggling a lot while lying on the ground - and you know what? Successfully freeing myself just like a confused and sweaty butterfly from itâs cocoon has been the most impressive thing Iâve ever done.
Therapy dog
Days of my life
Last week I dragged myself to the hairdressers. In the waiting area an old lady shuffled over to the seat next to mine with a look of recollection in her eyes as I looked up from my book.Â
Old Lady:Â âHere, are you Jamesies wife?â
Me:Â â No, afraid notâ
Old Lady: âYouâre the image of her. Sheâs the image of you!â
Me:Â âOh? Is she a supermodel too? Ha ha ha!â
Old Lady:Â â.........Noâ. *Stays silent while holding eye contact for full minute*
Person sat across the room:Â âFuck, thatâs rough.â