DeadGrrl

Most hated Mainly by myself I’m Into-Resting Demisexual Pursuit of Lebenssucht

[anxietyproblem]

[anxietyproblem]

[anxietyproblem]

[schlafzimmerfick-deactivated201]

Sex would be great now.

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

“I am alone, I thought, and they are everybody.” - Fyodor Dostoevsky, Notes From Underground

[thevirgodoll]

[resqectable]

“Never, never tell them. Try and remember that. Never tell anyone anything ever. Never tell anyone anything again.”

— Ernest Hemingway

[satansxxxmistress]

I can’t see well enough to read the words on the screen through my watery eyes my vision lay weary, weary because they can’t see a day more clear without you, it’s you that my wishful hands insist on grabbing for bleeding for pleading for. Someone who is too far for comfort.

[unsng-deactivated20221106]

need

o the way i need you

just for you to send a word

of desire

as i sit here

bared to the dark

my own throb of need

hot against my touch

o that i need you

a word of wish

of want

i wonder

for you do haunt my nights

my dreams

my desires

[thespaceinmybed]

Am I magic

Or are you magic

Either way

This seems

Disturbing

I dreamt about you again

Other men were talking to me

And you grabbed me

And took me to another room

Pulled me against your chest

And kept demanding

I admit

I felt something

You said

If it was nothing

Why was my heart beating so hard

You said you could feel it

Inside me

But

I didn’t know

If the pounding

Came from

Love or

Fear

That’s all I have become

A fluctuation

A flittering

From desire to dread

And back again

[satansxxxmistress]

I had the same dream.. wtf

[thespaceinmybed]

The glass in front of me

Betrayed me

I am incapacitated

And I have

Too many thoughts now

Circling

How do you fuck someone

And not die inside

How do you love someone

And not let them kill you

The glass in front of me

Did exactly what it was supposed to

Made me unthink

Was that the point of living

To not have to think about

Anything

To be something other

To not have to

Worry

Or

Doubt

Or

Be someone else

I must be doing this wrong

Since all I do is worry

And doubt

And be someone else

[thespaceinmybed]

I’ve said it a thousand times

But still feel the need

To repeat it

At least to myself

There is no way to escape the sadness

It bleeds into me

Becoming

More real than I am

I would say

Remembering you is a empty room

I whisper my hope into

But

It is not

Remembering you is a burden

That drags

Unbidden desires

Into the light

I am afraid

Of feeling powerless

Yet I crave it

Remembering you is a awful thing

Pressing teeth into an open wound

It’s how I know I’m still alive

I count the hurts

Stack them up

Real close

Until they are all I can see

Until they are more permanent

Than I am

When all you can feel is your own scars

And emptiness

In between

You realize

You have become

The silence

The pause

The parts that don’t matter

Because they don’t speak

I have become

Less

I dissipate

Everything I touch

Is more real than I am

There is nothing here to keep me steady

Nothing to keep me

Me

my ribs can’t hold

They give in

Do not ask me

You know the answer already

[thespaceinmybed]

I can’t help this feeling

That you need me

Somehow

And I am incapable

Of abandoning people I love

Whether they deserve it

Or not

[thespaceinmybed]

Will you come to me now

When I’m delirious with

Denial

Seeped in the belief that

Only tragedy can manifest in this body

Will you be like in the dream

Tender and intuitive

Pulling from me

What is hidden

I don’t think so

I don’t think so

I keep my fingers on the cold ground

Refusing even for a moment

To give them hope

I keep my eyes on things

Not people

Managing to avoid the inevitable destruction

That comes with

Love and sex and secrets

I drink and I fall

I fall and I drink

I throw my flesh in the pavement

To remind myself

It can be torn open

I chip at the scabs

As they itch

Telling my skin

It’s breakable

The stories in me

Are never pretty

And you wouldn’t want to hear them

Or see them

Or touch their remains

I would beg them to leave me

But they more than memories

They are brands

With burning hands

That wouldn’t

Know how to let go

I could cut them out

But all the bleeding

Might undo me

I think so

I think so

[thespaceinmybed]

I would never tell you

But I think about you always

It is undeniable as my own skin

As inevitable as the sunrise

As inescapable as the night

A weakness

Too distressing

To think about

As all my secrets

Are too shameful

To voice

Too shameful even

To whisper into deaf ears

While sitting

Drunk

And alone

In the dark

[thespaceinmybed]

I listen to songs that remind me of you

It doesn’t feel good

But I can’t stop

I used to think it meant something

The way my thoughts are always

Aching after you

I used to think truth could be found

Somewhere in you

I was wrong

I am unsure now how to free myself

From this unpleasant desire

I have collected other names

They lay stagnant in my fingers

They make me feel nothing

Not interested

Not happy

Not free

I will wait until this lessens

I will take the things that create sadness in my skin

Every day

And press them father in

Willing myself to forget

[thespaceinmybed]

Remember when you worshipped me

And would sing songs with me

In my truck

As I drove to the beach

Remember how one day without me

Would drive you crazy

If it wasn’t love

Then why do I think of it

Now

I hope that girl makes you happy

I hope you found

Whatever it was

You needed

Whatever

I couldn’t give you

I seem to be

Unlovable

To those I love

It’s just the fates

The inevitable tragedy

Of being alive

I used to take myself apart

He did too

He took me apart

And now

No one loves me

He distributed my remains

In the dirt

Where no one

Would pick them up

Where no one

Would even think to look

He swallowed enough of my name

To make it

Unrecognizable

To make it

Not mine

I sift through filth

Always

Searching for the pieces of a me

That no longer exists

You can tell me it’s a futile search

But my hands are used to

Coming up empty