wow. I made this blog when I was 14-15 and tumblr was a major part of my online life for close to 12 years. can't believe I've only posted here once literally in a year.
anyways for anyone who cares, but mostly for me because my memory is garbage, here's my 2021 recap:
honestly the first part of my year was kind of a blur. I wasn't doing great mentally. work was exhausting. the pandemic was weighing on me, some of my coworkers were being not-great people... I'd been talking to some dumb boy who ended up dating someone else and that wrecked me for a hot minute. realizing I was doing a lot of things for attention, probably because I was just going stir-crazy.
I spent a lot of time crafting. lotta resin stuff, since I was trying to get more into that. lotta crocheting for gifts for coworkers who were having babies. lotta time spent fussing over my rats and their health. eddie cheddar ended up having an acute distress episode the day I was taking harper in for bloodwork because HE wasn't feeling himself either.
one of my PA friends who moved to CO to teach would check in every so often. he ordered a custom guitar strap from me last year and it honestly was one of my favorite projects to work on. it came out great. at some point when we were talking I ended up telling him everything that happened in college, with people that are also his friends. I don't remember exactly how that ended up happening. may have been because I mentioned something about my distaste for valentines day. I just think it's tacky and performative (but also I'd probably cry if someone gave me a flower, ya know?). and what did he do but send me a whole bouquet of roses for valentines. not the red ones, they were a mix of colors. 'every girl should get flowers for valentines', something like that. I kept them in my room til they withered but I kept two of the most intact flowers once they dried, they're still in a little display thing in my room. that was one of the sweetest things anyone's ever done for me. I don't think he meant anything beyond just flowers for valentines, but either way it was the loveliest gesture.
things at work were getting tense through the winter after we brought the team back together, but they really came to a head in march. the newer girl in reception came in sick multiple days in a row, and it turned out she had COVID. my lead receptionist and I were furious because she had taken a sick day but then came back in, still coughing. we were told to stay home if we had symptoms at all, and somehow no one told her to go home. the head receptionist ended up getting it because she worked with her for full shifts, but thankfully the lead receptionist and I were fine. we got 2 weeks off to quarantine, and the clinic really felt it because they lost their entire reception team. lead receptionist and I were being so careful and we didn't feel respected or like our concerns were being heard. and then that happened. we thought that would give us some leverage for when we came back-- asking for our shifts not to overlap with the other two, they started double-masking, put in air purifiers... all that. but they got really lax about everything and I learned from at least one of the techs that the head receptionist and clinic manager were talking behind our backs, acting like we were overreacting. people were traveling and coming in and management didn't make them quarantine. literally what was the point of locking the clinic doors and not letting clients in if we weren't being careful too? we both had had it at that point. there was a lot of buzz about quitting; so many of us wanted to leave. my lead receptionist and I had gotten pretty close when we split our staff into teams originally, and we talked about a lot of this. she wanted to leave too, but felt responsible for keeping the ship upright, because she knew how badly it would fall apart without her. I was looking for jobs all over; I was even willing to try to go back into linguistics just for the opportunity to work remotely (and better pay, of course). I found a few in animal care, but happened upon a volunteer coordinator job at a shelter in pittsburgh that would pay just enough for me to afford living there. I didn't think I'd really have a chance, but what was the harm, right? worst case they just turn me down. I did get an interview, which I was surprised about, and I thought it went really well, but I was still kind of expecting to not be their top choice.
during my quarantine I got word of a massive rat hoarding case in baltimore county, and offered to foster a pregnant rat for one of the rescues. she ended up having 15 babies (though one may have been sick or injured, since after 2-3 days I only counted 14). I loved watching them grow up. I took so much care with them, and I couldn't believe how much love I felt for those little beans. but it was hard. once they all were able to see and hear and run around on their own, it became a real challenge to clean. I was changing their cage (eventually cages) near-daily. one night I was stressed out trying to clean; I had taken out the old play pen I used for my other rats and tried to patch it up (since they'd chewed holes in some of the mesh). I couldn't put them in the bathtub since I needed to use it to wash the cage parts. the gaps below the doors were huge too; I was so scared of one of the babies possibly squeezing out and the cat getting to them. I had to keep an eye on 15 rats (including mama) in that playpen while cleaning, but one escaped. so I'm stressed, I'm trying to clean, and now I've got a baby rat loose. she had darted under the bed, and usually when rats run under furniture, they keep going. I had knelt down to look for her and didn't realize that she had come back out, right under my knee. that was... one of the most traumatic things I've ever experienced. I don't ever want to go through anything like that again. I don't know how anyone can hunt; how they can hold a dying animal in their hands and feel nothing. the smell of blood is triggering for me now. I tried to do online counseling since that was all I could afford, but nobody really understood what I was going through (because who cares about a baby rat, right?). I only realized later that I had a glass-door shower. I could have just put them all in there. and I did start doing that with the rest of them while I cleaned the cages. I was so careful. I still am, every time I get on the floor when I have my rats out. I'm constantly checking underneath myself and if I need to move I do so slowly, making sure I'm keeping limbs on the floor. it took me weeks and weeks to stop feeling like I wanted to chop my leg off because I couldn't stop feeling the tiny crunch under my knee. I still get upset about it sometimes. it's getting easier but the flashbacks were so bad for a while.
I did end up foster-failing with two of the babies. I named them charlie and emmett, after RHCP songs (emmett rather than emit; from emit remmus). managed to get all the others adopted, including mama, which was awesome. I loved all those little babies, but I gotta say, it was a huge relief to not have to clean so many cages so frequently.
you can imagine the whiplash I felt when I got the notification that baby rat's ashes had been returned to my clinic and a call from HR at the pittsburgh shelter offering me the job on the same day. I remember trying so hard to sound like a normal person on the phone but I had a hand clapped over my mouth to stifle the excitement squeals. I think I full-out cried when I got off the phone.
then came the "oh god they want me up there ASAP I need to find a place to live and put in my 2 weeks" anxiety. I ended up putting in my 2 weeks at the beginning of may because I couldn't handle working at that clinic and preparing an inter-state move at the same time. I made a list of apartments that were within my budget and would accept my pets, and mom and I planned to take a trip to tour them mid-may. I called all of them the day before just to check availability, and my list went from 7 to 0, because apparently apartments.com is not accurate. so, freaking out a little. but when I went a little out-of-budget, the apartment complex that I'd been looking at back in 2017 popped up. I could've afforded it with the pay at my old job, easily. and I thought maybe they'd let me work remotely. so I was eyeing apartments in pittsburgh, and that one was at the top of my list. but I gave up the idea after I left that job and didn't have anything to be in pittsburgh for. but there it was again. so I called. they had a one-bedroom available. they were cool with rats and a cat. I booked an appointment for the next day, mom and I went up, we put a hold on the apartment, and that was that. amazing.
packing was rough. I had way more stuff than I thought I did, even though I got rid of a lot. I had too much for the 10-ft truck mom rented, and we ended up cramming the rest into my brother's car and my car (and STILL that wasn't everything). I lost precious time on memorial day, the day before I was set to move in, because micah started having neurological symptoms and was deteriorating fast. by that point he wasn't walking well and didn't want to eat with his hands. I couldn't justify moving him to PA in that state, but of course all the vets were closed besides the ER. so I spent 5 hours there waiting for him to see the doctor, and then having to euthanize. I was up til 3am packing and cleaning, exhausted and upset, and I woke up at 6am to keep going. packed up the other 3 rats and the cat, and headed off to pittsburgh. mom had already come up with the truck the day before, but I couldn't stay in a hotel with the pets so I had to come up day-of.
I couldn't believe how smoothly moving went. like. finding an apartment was hard, but it was perfect. ground-floor unit in a quiet, safe area, unpacking went so smoothly... it was crazy. I mused for a minute on the eerie coincidence of my apartment number being the year that I was last here, the year I was last content with my life and where I was.
my new supervisor told me that they do new-employee orientations every other week, so... not gonna lie, I intentionally made my move-in day an orientation day, that way I wouldn't be able to start that day and would have 2 weeks to settle in. that DID have me out of work for like 4 weeks, but all in all it really worked out. I have an IKEA like 5 minutes away so I spent a lot of time there my first few days/weeks. got my place put together, got to be a tourist for a bit. one of my IUP pals came to visit for a few days on his way out west for a road trip and we went to the zoo, the strip district, went on a little walk in the park near my apartment... it was nice, sort of. that's things I don't care to get into.
I was so excited to start my new job though, and I immediately loved it. we have two domestic shelters and a wildlife rehab center, and I'd be handling the volunteer program for all of them. orientation here covers 3 days, and you meet with every department and all the C-levels and all that. I got to see the wildlife center on day 1, which was where I'd be spending most of my week. day 2 we went to lunch with the CEO and head vet and one or two of the other C-levels. day 3 was actually supposed to be completing the fear free shelters certificate course but... I already did that at my shelter back home. so I just shadowed my supervisor for the day, helped her with some admin stuff. I shadowed her for 2 more weeks, then I was pretty much left to my own devices. well.. not exactly. we're still co-running our department, so we're always emailing back and forth and usually she tries to call me once a day to check in. but I was off at my own sites and she was off at hers. I've only actually seen her a small handful of times since I was shadowing her. we've been re-designing our volunteer program and within a month had a solid new application process set up, and started onboarding new people in july. actually started getting new folks in some time in august. all the current volunteers were thrilled for the help, and they've been so awesome about mentoring. we have some really solid volunteers now, and some really great new folks, and it's been so cool to be a part of it.
I'm also pretty much solely responsible for the wildlife center's volunteer program, which... should be a full-time job in and of itself. which is why we're bringing on a new person specifically for wildlife. they had me get my rabies series and titer done and were starting to train me in the clinic so I could train new people (because that's supposed to be my job), but I know next to nothing about wildlife rehab and I have so much else to do. finally the highers-up realized that they shouldn't have condensed 3 volunteer coordinator positions into one and decided to post a wildlife volunteer coordinator job. I hear she's starting january 10th, so a few weeks after that I'll be able to focus more on the domestic shelters. that, I can handle. I do really like the wildlife center. I get my own desk and I can bring my rats to work, and they get floor time in the office. I got to share my office with a squirrel for a few months, who was an absolute nut. I get to see the education ambassadors every so often; we have a skunk, a porcupine, two possums, a crow, a great horned owl, two barred owls, two turkey vultures, two red-tailed hawks, a ball python, an eastern box turtle, a common musk turtle, and a brown bat. I think we have one other turtle but I don't know if I've met him yet.
but I also love the domestic shelters. so I'm excited to be putting more effort into the program there. I heard from both my supervisor and a few people that talked to her afterwards that she was SO happy after my interview. she'd gone straight from mine to an interview for the position that's her direct supervisor (that one ended up being a hire too, and she's awesome), and she said she was just in the best mood going into that one. they were so excited to get me started, and my supervisor told HR to offer me the high end of the pay range, they wanted me that bad. I heard they passed up someone internal, even knowing they'd need to wait a month for me to start. that just gives me the warm n fuzzies. they wanted someone with my exact experience-- someone with volunteer experience, well-rounded with all the animals, experience mentoring, and good customer service (clinic checks that box plus some vet med knowledge too). I think I'm filling my role really well, and I've only heard good things from other people. when they first told me they were going to be posting a wildlife coordinator position, and I'd have first dibs on applying if I wanted that, I did have to think about it, but I figured the reasons I wanted to stay there were selfish and wouldn't benefit the volunteers. they need someone well-versed in wildlife rehab. so when I told my supervisor I'd stick with domestic, she said "I could actually cry. from happiness, to be clear". told me beforehand as well that she'd mentioned it in passing to one of the C-levels, who said "what? no. she has to pick domestic. she has to. we need her here." I'm just... I feel so valued here. people appreciate my efforts and tell me so. they listen to me and the things I suggest make actual changes. it's amazing how something that little can be so impactful, but it really makes me enjoy my job and want to stay. I've even been just-for-funsies looking at houses on zillow. it's probably a terrible time to buy, still, and I'm okay where I am for now (though my commute kind of sucks). but the way I feel, and knowing I've probably got excellent job security with how much they like me here, I could see buying a house. I didn't want to plant roots like that unless I was sure I was staying somewhere. I'm in a year lease now, and I wouldn't be too bothered being here another year if I needed to be. just more time to think on it. but there are a lot of nice, actually affordable houses here. I've got enough in savings and enough I could pull out of investments to put a down payment on a house. and mortgage would be cheaper than rent on a lot of them.
unfortunately a month after I got here, I lost harper too. I think harper and micah both had pituitary tumors, which would explain why they both got so fat. harper went just about the same way as micah, but he passed at home. thankfully I was here to hold him.
I got to see phoebe bridgers when she was here on tour; I only went because she booked an outdoor venue and required proof of vaccination. I miss concerts so much.
it's mostly been work the last few months. I did start seeing a chiropractor who's helped my jaw pain immensely. I got a new psych and my meds are doing their job. I saw a rheumatologist who went over my medical history and wasn't dismissive, and confirmed chronic fatigue syndrome. she gave me the ok to get my medical card too, which... it's legal in PA so fuckit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I did fuck up and think I had the energy and brain space to join a... gym? fitness thing? it's more smaller classes and it IS more geared towards older women but my body is shitty so I figured it'd be more my pace than a traditional gym. but turns out I'm just shitty and I was paying $90 a week to be stressed that I couldn't keep up and didn't want to go to classes and I quit. still had to pay 1/3 the remaining balance, which was a fuck ton of money, so RIP my holiday bonus plus a good 2/3 of a paycheck. but that aside I've been doing pretty okay.
got to go home for thanksgiving. eddie wasn't doing well for the longest time, and I thought I'd have to have him put to sleep in the early fall. but he made it all the way to december. it was really upsetting, knowing I was going to lose him. he was such a sweet, loving, smart boy. but I gave him as much love as I could, and I know he loved me right back. he made it to a decent old age, and I spared him from suffering any more with his URIs. that's really all I can do.
I've half-ass tried to talk to people on those stupid dating apps, and I keep getting ghosted, so that's cool. I'm doing a lot better on multiple counts, mostly mentally, so it's really starting to hurt that still nobody seems to want to stick around. or even talk to me for very long. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm fine by myself, I'm not desperate to be with someone. but it would be nice to feel cared about. it's just starting to feel at this point like it has to be something wrong with me. forget getting married and having kids, most people have at least had a relationship by 27. I don't know if I'm trying too hard or not trying hard enough. I don't want to know what it is about me that's so repulsive to people. I don't really know what I want either, honestly. I've been so far removed from all of that my whole life, I don't even think I'd know how to have a relationship with someone. it just feels like it's not something that's meant for me, and I can't tell if I should start to accept that or keep fighting it and making myself sad. it almost feels selfish to want someone to care enough to do something for me, instead of it always being the other way around. I don't think I don't deserve it, I just don't think it's ever going to happen.
that's... pretty much it, I think. all the major things anyway. I've been throwing way too many craft projects on myself to keep myself sane. the rats and cat are keeping me busy. I'm trying to find a good work balance, trying not to do work things in my off-time, because I don't know that boundary very well yet. I used to volunteer for nothing, because I just loved my shelter. I love my current shelter, and I love what I do, and it's hard to get out of shelter brain sometimes. but now I'm getting paid for it, and I can't make work my entire life, as much as I love it.
I think I'm going to try to use this off-time to de-clutter once again, start 'fresh' for the new year. I want to feel like I have my head on a little more straight (as if I'm not constantly trying to do this), and I want to figure out how to keep incorporating healthy changes on my own, because apparently even paying someone to help me do that didn't work. I don't have many goals for 2022. it's weird for me to feel content where I am for the first time in years. I didn't have anxiety near as bad as I thought I would when I moved up here. it's nerve-wracking how obnoxious the drivers are here, how careless people are being about COVID, how right-wing so many people are, and how dangerous it can be in the city (in my one shelter's neighborhood alone there have been a number of shootings, and someone going to one of our behavior classes got robbed at gunpoint a few weeks ago). but I love this stupid town. I love that I'm closer to friends now, even though I still don't see them all that much. I'm so grateful every day that this all worked out so well; still not entirely convinced I didn't end up in a COVID coma in 2020 and this isn't all a fever dream. I will say, I've had this pattern with odd-numbered years being pretty good and even-numbered years being incredibly shitty, since like... 2010. I'm kind of bracing for 2022. I really hope it's okay. I hope I can make it okay.
anyways. stay safe, stay healthy. I probably won't be on here much, still, but nothing wrong with a little yearly update.
