insomniac hours

29, poetry, prose, and faggotry

[fvckpuppy]

I swear I'm hard working,

It's hard not to be working

And nothing is working if working means nothing

Yes, even pennies add up

Even though enough could never be enough

If I don't have some soon

Lucky won't be the only thing I'll run out of.

[fvckpuppy]

I am so loved and so in love.

Held, healed, and carried by it.

Of all the lives I ever pictured for myself, I never imagined I would be carried so willingly by others. Ensured I never need beg, and shown through action every day.

I am comforted. Checked in on. My cheek palmed while I look up into eyes of people who would never dream of harming me. Good, honest, love shining through them. Unmistakable.

The world is scary and dark, but these sweet soft flames are keeping me from getting lost, guiding me so gently to a future I'm lucky enough that they believe that I belong in. A future more than worth fighting for.

I am the luckiest man alive.

[hental-melth]

I had a dream that I put a lit stick of dynamite in the attic just to watch my home burn alive

Gathered my loved ones and brought them outside

And we watched as it blew a hole in a second floor that never existed.

It was fine, but the cops knew I'd done it

It was fine, until we started to smell the gas leak.

Now I'm laying awake in bed, sniffing hard for gas, knowing I have electric heat.

Now I'm lying awake in bed, wondering what the hell it was supposed to mean.

[fvckpuppy]

I got put back on T

And a referral for top surgery.

When I asked the surgeon if my care would be reported to the state, he said he didn't know. He had to assume.

A knowing look passed between us of mutual fear

We both know what the government has set it's eyes to do

They can take my life, but they can't take my identity.

And if I'm to lose everything

In a camp or a quiet flurry of paperwork or a dark back alley

I will not die looking like what they want me to be

I will die in skin that is mine. I will die belonging to me.

[scalded-melk]

Sappy poems gross me out

Infatuation starts before the head talks to the heart

Imagination does it's part I'm daydreaming of the art

we paint together on the canvas easeled just behind my eyes

I feel the beating in your chest

Is this another of life's tests

A thousand questions I won't ask because they all would start with why

Like why do your arms almost feel like home to me

Why do you touch so tenderly

Why do you listen when I'm running out of things to say

Why am I so scared that you're going to run away

Or what can I do to convince you to stay

The ink in my pen runs on misery

I've not written in a month

I never knew that this is what life could be

A love enduring and true

Coupled now with something new

I'm too old now to ask out loud "what are we"

Your flesh between my teeth but I'm biting my tongue

Bruises collecting like the things that I can't say at 31

Like I like-like you

Do you like-like me too

I feel so stupid

Every time I look at you

It's hard to think when I get lost as your burnt umber meets my blue

[scalded-melk]

[scalded-melk]

Don't you see your freckles and scars are mirrors of the stars, the Milky Way? The white streaks in your hair are comet trails. Your eyes are galaxies. Your veins follow the same paths as the rivers and the roots in the jungle. Your tears taste of the ocean. The hills and valleys of your curves like mountain dunes in their splendor.

You are simple, small, flawed, as nature is - and a reflection of the heavens and earth in all of these details.

[hental-melth]

My doctor has abandoned me and Christmas has become a concept.

My bones feel like they've been eaten by moths

And it's just the beginning

I've been down this road before

My legs are fucking tired.

I don't want to walk anymore.

[hental-melth]

No more chasing no more begging no more pleading

No more waiting up like a dog at the door

No more losing sleep from staying up and pouring from an empty cup

I just can't be that person anymore

Pretend friend, always there to the end

When that end comes we're never really sure

You can write a thousand pages and then tear them all to shreds

The chapter closed like a revolving door

There's nothing left to see through when you're lying in the dark

There's nothing left to end when there's nothing left to start

A van a car a box a book resuscitated heart

A movie on the title screen playing only the best parts

So let's be friends

Let's play pretend

We're young and nothing bad has ever happened to us yet

We're smart enough to go home and be able to forget

Let's be friends

Let's play pretend

[hental-melth]

I felt better, briefly. I could feel my body. It was mine. It was mine. Nobody can take this from me. The walls started breathing again, like they've been doing for as long as I can remember. Sometimes we breathe together. Sometimes I hold my breath.

I felt better. And then I just felt stupid.

And I still feel stupid. That 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 year old kid is still within me. Was I holding their hand, or were they holding mine? And which is it now, as we get ready for work? All of us crammed into the one bedroom apartment of our skull, gasping for air and arguing about the lights. Who makes the sandwiches? Who throws them away? Who keeps hiding the goddamn remote? Who's gonna clean up the mess this time?

A hundred hands on two arms, we triple check our bag, our clothes, our hair, the lock on the door. Fifty sets of eyes blink back from our reflection in unison.

There is no self. There is only asleep, or awake.

I don't want to be awake anymore.

[blurredlandscape]

You said this and you once said that

You promised me this and you promised me that..

And I held onto them like sweet kisses in the night. And I trained myself to hold onto them even through the cold winter nights... turned to months... turned to years. To tide me over; to give me sustenance to remember forever what you had said. Knowing you couldn’t say it often enough for me... carved onto my heart to scar my human failings. Because I am too needy, I am too expecting... even though every day I’d dote on you easily. It's crazy... now that I realize I was living as you do, consuming with whisper thin lips, breadcrumbs to survive the long distance. To not ask too much of you... to be strong and resilient and not cry out for you... too much. I am realizing that I deserve so much more and so much better... that I often bend to the illness of my lovers and make their sickness my way of living... feeling selfish when I can’t relate or understand them, and make room for their plunging ailments... I am worth so much more than that. I deserve plentiful and abundant. I deserve you to tell me these things often and consistently without hesitation. I used to hold compliments and passionate moments from you like hidden secret cushioned treasures...I remembered them with my whole heart to keep from dying in the winter... how sad to think I’d trained myself to bend to you... when you could never do so much to look up for once and reach for me

diary entry

[hental-melth]

Goodnight moon

Goodnight sun

Goodnight space that holds no one

Goodnight barely visible floor

Goodnight makeshift curtain door

Goodnight looming laundry obligation

Goodnight bodily frustration

Goodnight TV company

Goodnight, you.

Goodnight, me.

[hental-melth]

I contain multitudes.

Great loves, great losses. I know not which is greater.

A loneliness that bubbles beneath the surface, ever threatening to burst forth. Aching, pulsing. Pushing. Pulling. I wax and wane with the moon. I sway with the tide, wn invisible ocean of self.

Will you not peer into me, past your own reflection? Will you look between the ripples created by your laughter, your ire, your voice, the violence of your silences?

Dip your fingers. Feel the temperature of my depth.

Wade, to your waist, to your neck. Let me envelop you in my fullness. Your heartbeat reverberates around you, within me. The clear definitions where you end and I begin are erased with every breath that escapes your tender throat.

Feel me, as you have felt yourself.

Love me, as I have loved you.

Will you surrender to the tide, or retreat to the sand?

The choice is only yours.

[scalded-melk]

To be loved by you because we are both famished

And then hated for the thought that I may have had a single bite

I will not refute you or deny your reality regardless of level of accuracy

I guess we are more alike than either of us want to admit

Given we hate ourselves so much

And claim to love eachother

[scalded-melk]

Chase Petra - "Have Faith, Horatio" (Official Video)

[hental-melth]

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Except when it does envy. Except when it is proud and boastful. Except when it is self-seeking, or easily angered, or the body keeps the score.

Maybe I don't know what love is, or what it is supposed to feel like

But I have felt it I have felt it I have felt it

I feel it I feel it I feel it

I am filled with it. Even when it turns to venom in someone else's mouth.

[hental-melth]

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars.

Goodnight pillows that smell of no one

Goodnight empty half of the bed

Goodnight 3 separate sources of white noise

Goodnight collection of medicine adorning my shelf

Goodnight chilled air through the window

Goodnight familiar dread

Goodnight anonymous video reading me to sleep

Goodnight aching body

Goodnight cotton filled head

Goodnight unsent messages not left on read