list of reasons to live
09/14/21
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I'm so depressed and I feel so empty, so here's the things in my life right now that I should be remembering, seeking out, practicing, experiencing, etc. I need a reminder that I'm not in a stagnant place, I'm a better person than I was at 14 (not that I deserved to die) and better even than who I was a few months ago. I need to be reminded of how I can spend my time that makes me feel good. I have so many genuine amazing people around me and I need to feel that deeper. and I have lived unbelievable experiences that I never expected to.
things that make me feel seen/loved
receiving unexpected treats that my friends knew I needed better than I did
sending lewds to the horny groupchat and getting "heart, heart, heart" and "bottom eyes"
getting the whole friend group to laugh at my jokes
when Mike who used to be my camp neighbor when I parked my van at the cemetary always giving me a genuine compliment when we run into each other "you have such a beautiful smile" and knowing its not in a creepy way
my friends looking up to me as experienced and knowledgable, even if I don't feel like that, and even when it's uncomfortable and stressing
when a sexual partner looks me in the eyes when I'm domming them and sighs
buddies who kiss me but also trainhop telling me/subtweeting that they miss me from across the country
the gang getting together and having a heart-to-heart. the 11 of us have come so far and seen so much together, and we are all better and stronger people because of each other
things I do that I like a lot
living in my van. decorating the inside of what I purchased as an empty shell of metal. the livability and also flexibility. the mischievous nature of avoiding rent and squatting the street every night
creating usable objects (bags, clothes, contraptions, storage space)
drawing sexy anime girls
eyeliner. a good outfit. an androgynous goth approach. dressing up like a vampire
making out with tr4nny f4gs (the besties)
exercising for a purpose, not for the fuck of it. hike up a butte to see the sunset/makeout in the woods. bike to an event. moshing!!
everything about going to punk shows. moshing, smoking cigarettes in the corner, new cool/hot people, actually performing a few times!!
playing guitar. busking! people paying me actual money to sit in the street and do the thing I like.
reading. fiction, epic zines, epic-er reportbacks. I love filling my head with information.
writing. reorganizing all the thoughts I collected from other people into a new and different idea
everyday praxis. coping wonderfully with being unemployed and houseless cause I refuse to be a wage slave that only serves the economic overlords: the CEOs, their pet politicians, and a million leech landlords. making THEM instead, pay for me to eat. and even then, acquiring free food for me AND my friends AND the community by dumpstering etc..
devious lick. for no reason :)
doing hooliganism with my friends. loitering, shouting, singing, climbing trees, playing games, being public menaces because we aren't allowed to be ourselves indoors.
things I do that impact the world
acquiring food/clothing/supplies for free distribution to local houseless/rad community
#distroism
treating kids like human beings. caring for them in any situation possible to the best of my abilities. always working to re-write the awful lessons I've been taught about suppressing children and/or turning them into gears in the machine.
jouissance and attack
travel to protect what's important
sharing my singing voice. I forget that all the work I've put into learning this craft has brought me to a point where I can move people with the music in my body
teaching my friends (most of which are about 3 years younger than me and in the transient phase I already went through) about life lessons I ran headfirst into the hard way. giving them shortcuts and tips. teaching them to stand up to authority safely, how to break the rules sneakily, how to care for yourself in a world that refuses to do it for you
ways I've grown in the past 6 years
my eating disorder doesn't control every minute of my day (even when it controls a few)
I know my boundaries and I guard them ravenously instead of being walked all over
my singing voice is dramatically better. I am the god of song. I could sing to angels and they would jump down from heaven for me
drawing skill off the charts. I can put life on paper with a pencil and an idea. anime boobs? boom. witchy trans girl? bang.
I know who I am. I'm not a collage of what I think people want out of me. I am actively changing and growing but I can see the core of myself and I fucking stay true to that
I hope coming back to the list changes things. It was cool to see myself and my experience come together like this, but I still feel really removed from it. This is literally my day to day life. How can I possibly feel like my life is empty and I'm useless.
You dumb bitch. Look at how much you do and how hard you work everyday for collective survival. Look at how much fun you have on top of that.
Now I just kinda feel shitty about feeling shitty.
I'm lucky to be here. I'm lucky to have my friends. And I am absolutely privileged to be in a situation that allows me to take care of myself AND others while staying true to my values.











