Cursed Diary

[scarcrossedlovers]

list of reasons to live

09/14/21

-

I'm so depressed and I feel so empty, so here's the things in my life right now that I should be remembering, seeking out, practicing, experiencing, etc. I need a reminder that I'm not in a stagnant place, I'm a better person than I was at 14 (not that I deserved to die) and better even than who I was a few months ago. I need to be reminded of how I can spend my time that makes me feel good. I have so many genuine amazing people around me and I need to feel that deeper. and I have lived unbelievable experiences that I never expected to.

things that make me feel seen/loved

receiving unexpected treats that my friends knew I needed better than I did

sending lewds to the horny groupchat and getting "heart, heart, heart" and "bottom eyes"

getting the whole friend group to laugh at my jokes

when Mike who used to be my camp neighbor when I parked my van at the cemetary always giving me a genuine compliment when we run into each other "you have such a beautiful smile" and knowing its not in a creepy way

my friends looking up to me as experienced and knowledgable, even if I don't feel like that, and even when it's uncomfortable and stressing

when a sexual partner looks me in the eyes when I'm domming them and sighs

buddies who kiss me but also trainhop telling me/subtweeting that they miss me from across the country

the gang getting together and having a heart-to-heart. the 11 of us have come so far and seen so much together, and we are all better and stronger people because of each other

things I do that I like a lot

living in my van. decorating the inside of what I purchased as an empty shell of metal. the livability and also flexibility. the mischievous nature of avoiding rent and squatting the street every night

creating usable objects (bags, clothes, contraptions, storage space)

drawing sexy anime girls

eyeliner. a good outfit. an androgynous goth approach. dressing up like a vampire

making out with tr4nny f4gs (the besties)

exercising for a purpose, not for the fuck of it. hike up a butte to see the sunset/makeout in the woods. bike to an event. moshing!!

everything about going to punk shows. moshing, smoking cigarettes in the corner, new cool/hot people, actually performing a few times!!

playing guitar. busking! people paying me actual money to sit in the street and do the thing I like.

reading. fiction, epic zines, epic-er reportbacks. I love filling my head with information.

writing. reorganizing all the thoughts I collected from other people into a new and different idea

everyday praxis. coping wonderfully with being unemployed and houseless cause I refuse to be a wage slave that only serves the economic overlords: the CEOs, their pet politicians, and a million leech landlords. making THEM instead, pay for me to eat. and even then, acquiring free food for me AND my friends AND the community by dumpstering etc..

devious lick. for no reason :)

doing hooliganism with my friends. loitering, shouting, singing, climbing trees, playing games, being public menaces because we aren't allowed to be ourselves indoors.

things I do that impact the world

acquiring food/clothing/supplies for free distribution to local houseless/rad community

#distroism

treating kids like human beings. caring for them in any situation possible to the best of my abilities. always working to re-write the awful lessons I've been taught about suppressing children and/or turning them into gears in the machine.

jouissance and attack

travel to protect what's important

sharing my singing voice. I forget that all the work I've put into learning this craft has brought me to a point where I can move people with the music in my body

teaching my friends (most of which are about 3 years younger than me and in the transient phase I already went through) about life lessons I ran headfirst into the hard way. giving them shortcuts and tips. teaching them to stand up to authority safely, how to break the rules sneakily, how to care for yourself in a world that refuses to do it for you

ways I've grown in the past 6 years

my eating disorder doesn't control every minute of my day (even when it controls a few)

I know my boundaries and I guard them ravenously instead of being walked all over

my singing voice is dramatically better. I am the god of song. I could sing to angels and they would jump down from heaven for me

drawing skill off the charts. I can put life on paper with a pencil and an idea. anime boobs? boom. witchy trans girl? bang.

I know who I am. I'm not a collage of what I think people want out of me. I am actively changing and growing but I can see the core of myself and I fucking stay true to that

I hope coming back to the list changes things. It was cool to see myself and my experience come together like this, but I still feel really removed from it. This is literally my day to day life. How can I possibly feel like my life is empty and I'm useless.

You dumb bitch. Look at how much you do and how hard you work everyday for collective survival. Look at how much fun you have on top of that.

Now I just kinda feel shitty about feeling shitty.

I'm lucky to be here. I'm lucky to have my friends. And I am absolutely privileged to be in a situation that allows me to take care of myself AND others while staying true to my values.

[scarcrossedlovers]

I'm so tiredd

diary 09/13/21

-

I've been eating/sleeping like crap and every evil cell in my body wants to get addicted to meth just to have some goddamn energy every once in a while

I need a will to live so I can put effort into the things that will give me the will to live but to do that I would need a will to live but the only way that will be acquired is by doing things that give me the will to live but for that I would need a will to live

I didn't realize how passively suicidal I've been these past few months until I was hanging out with all my best friends and a newer friend (Skullet) that we've acquired and I realized I am not the pilot of my own existence, that I'm watching myself try to function from behind a shatter-proof window.

cause I found Skullet first, and I really want to be good friends with them but my soul will not allow me to put any effort into developing a friendship with them. and I fully planned on doing so when we first met, got their number and attempted conversation, but I haven't texted them once and havent had a real conversation with them that wasn't just watching one of my friends talk to them and pretending to be a part of it

I have no energy to put forth effort into any facet of my existence and it's wasting me away more and more by the minute

I'm in a vicious depressive cycle and it feels like there's nothing I can do now that it's started

But what's fucked is that I've spent this whole summer putting outrageous effort into doing projects and road trips and trying to make myself feel something, anything. But none of it has rendered any reward.

I'm still dead inside and I'm starting to get actively suicidal again.

Not with a plan or a fantasy, the little things like ignoring traffic laws on my bike, half hoping a car will just hit me. Leaning off a 1000 foot cliff into the breeze and savoring how good it would feel to fly down and hit the ground. Putting cigarettes out on my skin for a thrill. Overloading my system with caffeine to see what will happen to my already-fragile heart and liver. Chainsmoking like there's no tomorrow.

I'm so tired I'm so tired. I don't want to look forward to the future and stave off my suicidality for the sake of my friends. I want to enjoy a couple minutes out of my day. I want to have the will to even scream and cry.

All I do is move around and find somewhere new to sit and stew in my physical pain and psychological numbness.

I'm so tired. Give me something to feel even if it's horribleness. Everything will balance out if I just have something to be sad or angry about. ANYTHING BUT INDIFFERENCE

AGH

I wanna fucking ki!! myself!

[scarcrossedlovers]

I've been operating on just one brain cell today

diary 09/07/21

-

I went to bed at 6am last night cause I was enjoying writing and I was listening to songs I havent heard in forever

I got enough sleep but I've been completely empty all day

earlier it got too hot and I had a total sensory meltdown, which hasn't happened in forever. too many things happened at once, and there is absolutely nothing that brings me more discomfort and internal pain than being too warm.

I fucking hate summer I'm so glad it's almost over.

I disappear when I'm having a meltdown and I lose every single thought and just scream and scream until I start crying, and then it's over. I don't realize that it's a meltdown until it's done, so there's nothing I can do to stop it.

no one's seen me meltdown in really long, but Moth was there today and I felt bad for them. it must suck to watch me dissolve and act really angry.

last night I was in such a good mood and everything made me so happy. it was great.

rn I'm waiting to get the motivation to get up and move, cause my friends and I were hanging out in the forest and they all randomly decided that they wanted to move somewhere else, which I've never understood, cause once I'm settled somewhere I don't ever feel the need to move to a different spot, in fact I'd always prefer to stay in the same place.

anyways I was lying on the ground and they left me here to stew on the thought of moving

I love them. they're not touchy-feely sops that try to unwind my feelings and "tALk aBoUt iT" when I'm in a shitty mood or don't feel like doing something. they just let me do what I need to do, and they don't let it affect their own life. I love that!!

I hate it when people will purposefully inconvenience themselves just to get involved in problems that don't concern them at all or when there's nothing they can do to help.

My friends have tactfully gotten to know me to a point where they know exactly when I need something from them, and otherwise they'll leave me alone. People who stick their nose in your shit and try to make you come out of a feelings-hole before you're ready EVEN WHEN you've specifically told them to fuck off, there nothing they can do, are the WORST.

You clearly don't give a shit about me, you just get off on the idea that people need you to fix every one of their problems and think that everyone around you are crybabies need to be coddled with your perfect, flawless attitude. GOD I HATE THOSE PEOPLE. That's how El was, and it was insufferable.

My friends and I are all perfect for each other. We're all on the same wavelength, we work our shit out, and we stay autonomous.

I've been thinking about El a lot recently, just to psychoanalyze that relationship and figure out what kept me from seeing that they are a person I do not vibe with on any level.

Maybe we were just different people in the beginning. But I know a lot of it was that I was just desperate for human connection, I had no friends that mattered to me and I was searching for someone who did.

But they never really meant that much to me.

I've realized that it's totally ok to just not care about people. You don't have to make every single person you've ever met your personal project, even/especially when you don't connect with them. It's ok to not give a single fuck and move on with your life. People don't have to be "toxic" for you to ignore them and not want to be around them.

I didn't do a very good job breaking it off with El. I thought I did, but I talked to a mutual acquaintance of ours recently and apparently they were really hurt by the way I "cut them off without explanation".

But I don't think that 1-I cut them off, or 2-that I didn't explain.

Our relationship had been falling apart for months. We started drifting away from one another back in february 2020, and once quarantine started they didn't even make an effort to TEXT me, let alone see me in person. (I CANT stand relationships with people I can't see in person. Fuck texting.)

But by the time summer rolled around we were very different and very distant people to each other, and they're the one that brought that up in the first place. Maybe they had some sort of expectation that being in a labelled relationship meant we were supposed to try to grow back together? But that's awful, why would you want to change yourself just to be with someone?? Literally just go out and find new people that you vibe with.

And that's what I did!! That makes complete sense to me! But they got ridiculously jealous of my new friends, and eventually became a totally insufferable person to be around, so I told them "hey, I don't feel like we're close anymore. I think we've grown into different people since we started dating, and I think we should not date anymore." And I thought that was that!

That seems like a pretty reasonable breakup.

But whenever I see them around- which is unfortunately quite a lot- they act really weird to me. They also subtweet me and are really really mean to my friends on social media.

I literally don't care about them. I'm so glad I'm comfortable not caring about them.

At first, before I was really familiar with the way I like to date--which is not at all, I like to kiss my besties and build unconventional relationships based on comfort and connection level--I used to be really sad that my feelings for El were fading. I'm so glad that I've gotten to a place where I'm not bound to social standards and can just accept my feelings as is.

The part of our relationship that makes me absolutely insane, just BONKERS, is the sheer amount that El could be jealous (in a monogamous way). They were JEALOUS THAT I REALLY LIKE ELSA FROM FROZEN. THEY WERE JEALOUS. OF ELSA FROZEN. OF E L S A.

It it simultaneously so fucking funny and SO fucking infuriating.

Their jealously was not even sensical, like I would see a pretty girl on instagram whose name I didnt even know and go "ooh, pretty girl :)" and they told me to stop saying stuff like that cause it made them insecure and sad.

Literally COPE BETTER. It is 100% not my job to censor my thoughts about people that do not involve you or our relationship at all.

This is why I'll never ever ever agree to be in a monogamous relationship ever again. Everyone I've dated has been FUCKING CRAZY and STUPIDLY JEALOUS.

As someone who is proudly FUCKING CRAZY, I do not support the ways in which my exes were insane. Everyone I've dated has been insecure to an invalid point in which they actively encourage their insecurity, expect me to be responsible for it, and act like I'm an abuser if I look in the direction of another human being that's attractive. People be pretty! It's not my fault you're not the ONLY and MOST PRETTY person to ever exist. Jesus christ.

And beyond insecurity, all my exes have been MILITANTLY JEALOUS. Now, my takes on jealousy are steaming hot, and luckily everyone currently in my life agrees. But I think that, while jealousy is a valid feeling (as in you will experience it and that is a real thing and it's never inherently evil to experience a feeling) it is absolutely always your own problem to deal with it. No external person ever needs to change anything about themselves or what they're doing/feeling/saying to fix YOUR jealousy. Jealousy is 100% your problem.

But my exes were always constantly trying to control my actions, because they believed that a labelled relationship somehow constitutes mutual ownership. They policed my feelings, thoughts, and even my actions??? Like they'd be hurt if I hung out with a FRIEND??

God fuck that shit. I'm so glad I'm done dating.

I'm so glad I made a million mistakes in high school that are now behind me. I'm so glad I'm not chronically-internalized depressed, addicted to intoxicants, monogamous, liberal, or passive anymore. I'm so glad I got that life experience out of the fucking way so that my life can be utterly authentic and rich and full of life now.

Life full of life. That really describes how I am lately :)

[scarcrossedlovers]

god I love shitty pop music

diary 09/07/21

-

almost wrote 2019 for the date. it's like 3am so this is dated for tomorrow, oh well

I've had so many thoughts today. writing journal entries gets all the goo out of my head and lets me think about real stuff!

anyways I'm working on a new project cause I was reading really cool zines that got me thinking about jouissance

I need to apply jouissance to more aspects of my life. and I need to do more attack, in a physiological and physical way

..

now I'm thinking about sex

I miss when I labelled myself as asexual and like really stuck not to having sex, cause it kept me in my comfort zone, BUT

sex is also an act of jouissance. it feels good, not only to submit to the physical enjoyment of sensation, but also to trust a person with my body--to reach a level of understanding with another person and get that sensation of the unknown, of surprise and unexpectedness.

and I need to get my head out of these societal, hierarchical, and authoritative notions of ownership and purity that come with not only letting a label define/limit you, but the cis/het definition of sexual relationships that see sex as surrenderring personal choice, a submission to The Machine in the form of reproductive futurism (make baby, make worker, make product), and a solidification of cis/het (marital?) relationship status that signifies ownership of the person you're fucking.

I need to figure out my comfortability with sex--not just in the way that I'm ok with other people touching me and that I'm ok with touching people (which is already a toe outside my comfort zone). But I need to examine the constructs in my mind that make me feel that I'm somehow a *better* person when I choose not to have sex. I need to tear down that idea entirely, and figure out what I'm comfortable doing/trying/experiencing, OUTSIDE of the invented rules and axioms of sexuality.

The space that I've been searching for--in all aspects of my life, not just sex--is the zone between comfort and danger. The way we've described it to kids, back when I worked in childcare, is the three zones of learning. 1-comfort: where you survive/subsist without testing your limits; you find bliss but not elation here. 2-discovery: where you step into the unknown; where, after the initial work of overcoming the anxiety/discomfort of the new sensations/responsibilities, you don't just survive, but thrive. 3-danger: where no matter the outcome, this event will not positively impact your life; this is not just discomfort, but agony and panic.

Jouissance exists in the 2nd zone. I spend way too much time in my comfort zone. I'm so exhausted all the time to do the things I know will give my life meaning and refill some of the lifeblood that gets me up in the morning.

And I want to explore sex more, but I don't want to fall into this pattern of going with things because I think I should, or turning off my brain and only doing what comes naturally.

I love the options of sensuality. And what I think I really miss since deciding to have (penetrative, orgasm-seeking--for lack of an actual definition of the word) sex with my partners is the creativity of sensations that one can feel that go beyond genitals and orgasms.

I like what I do with my partners, I like the way we know each other, the way we talk. The look on their faces when I call them "good" and spit in their begging mouths. I like the switch that gets flipped, metaphorically and physically, when they toss me off of them and pin me down with their vicious fingers around my throat. I like the way that mutually scratching/beating each other senseless and tying each other down feels like an act of LOVE and LIBERATION--how these backwards acts laugh in the face of hateful, queertransphobic fascists that would have us beaten and tied down very much because of our actions.

I'm not sure where the feeling of off-ness comes from, since the sexuality and sensuality of Bestie Time is still balanced. We're still creative and sensual.

I guess I just want more time to think, in the moment, about what is it I'm doing. Cause when making out crosses the panty-line, my brain turns off and the animalistic urges take over. Which, now that I'm thinking about it, isn't a bad thing. Uncivilized desire is an integral facet of jouissance.

I just feel.... I don't know.. ashamed..? afterwards. Maybe I'm still adjusting to vulnerability. I've never had sexual partners that really gave a shit about my experience with sex, and it's resulted in a lot of assault and trauma and general discomfort. Maybe the lab-coats are onto something with this so-called "PTSD".

Honestly, I don't know. I feel like I've lost a part of myself to sexual assault that results in this feeling of a puzzle piece missing. And I don't know if there's gonna be a quick or easy fix to that. I don't have the luxury of taking sexuality step-by-step, figuring out what I'm okay and not okay with the easy way. The intoxicant-muddled memories of my first experiences with sex are not only hazy, but tainted by the utter lack of consent and choice.

I'll explore more with the idea of animalistic urges. Maybe that's the discovery of the night. That the animal in me is not to be tamed or domesticated, but fed, unleashed. Number 99999-etc of constructs erected by the white/cis/het/rich/catholic society I was unfortunately raised/shaped by that must be utterly destroyed, torn apart and its ruins burnt to ash.

"This essential human can be conceptualized through what western society has dubbed ‘the conscience’; that little voice which tells you that what you are doing is right or wrong, that tells you to stop, that tells you your going to jail. This ‘conscience’ is the cop inside your head. It is not a universal creation that transcends humanity, it is the invention of a humanity which feared its own destructive capacity; a humanity which fears a world without jails, a humanity which yearns for leadership and guidance and which whilst convinced of its inherent evil neither imagines or desires its own annihilation. It is a humanity which invented gender to enact division and control over itself; which appointed teachers to pass on it’s ‘knowledge’ and physiologists to identify its deviants- it is a humanity which must be destroyed. This destructive negation is the start and end of the project, there must be no reeducation, creation, or after, if it is done right, there will be nothing left."

THIS. God I love reading. My friends are so cool and they show me all this cool fucking shit and I go bbbrrrrr and think about stuff. And god, I feel like a human fucking being. I feel like an actual person who is allowed to think, feel, be, do, ATTACK.

I've been so full of rage for years and I'm finally surrounded by people who understand and embrace and wield anger. Who treat feelings not like inconveniences but as experiences. Who don't look for the easiest path to comfort and relaxation--which of course leads to domestication. Who understand that risk and even danger are the only path to growth, to liberation from everything and everyone that can possibly get you down.

God I love being around people that don't treat depression as a medicatable condition, but understand that it is a symptom of living in a society and that the only solution is to target the disease.

fuck society :). and fuck the notion that we're all just waiting on a revolution to save us. We already live outside society in our hearts, and we are only trapped insofar as we cooperate.

god it's almost 5am I need to wrap this up cause the sun is gonna wake me up in 6 hours when it gets too hot to sleep in my car.

haha I don't pay rent or taxes and I don't have a job. I'm winning

music is so good, my friends are so good, my life is so good.

the only way to go from here is onward, and I'm off the track entirely, there's no way for me to lose.

fuck

[scarcrossedlovers]

happy days today :)

diary 09/04/21

-

smoking a cigarette on the corner and feeling very nice

yesterday seems like a weird blip, but I know all those feeling were genuine

I've gotten to this magical place in my relationship with Realtree where we're such good friends and I trust them and love them so much. and to this comfortablility in my place on the asexual spectrum where I've gotten to know them and have been kissing them platonically for long enough to trust them with my body that we can have sex and it doesn't feel off and wrong and uncomfortable like my past relationships have.

I love relationship anarchy

Where being friends can be more than it ever has been. Where there's never a label on romance and feelings and sexuality. Where boundaries and communication always take priority over expectations and social norms.

I love fucking Realtree

..

And today we're recording the music that we've been working on for months.

The first time we played music together was months ago, back in ?? idk september? fuck it's been like a year almost.

I fell in love with them the first time we played music in the forest. I fall in love with them again every single time.

We've been meaning to record our music for so long. And today so far we've done two parodies from the twotenanny and we're about to get to our own music.

I have this song about missing the rain that's really emotional cause it's about feeling pain and feeling far away even when I'm surrounded by my people. Like yesterday. And how the bright hot sunlight makes everything so much worse when I'm feeling awful. How, really, during summer I hardly feel anything at all.

We've been working up to recording music since this spring when we each started sharing the songs we write. We've already played two shows for audiences with some of our originals. A show in the backyard at SZ (where my current FAVORITE band Purity was also on the docket), and at radical pride. Playing at rad pride was otherworldly. I can't believe an audience of 100 people listened to me pour my heart out onstage with my favorite person in the world, and they actually loved it. I had so many people come up to me afterwards and tell me so. This is crazy.

I've been dreaming of playing shows for so long and now that I'm here I'm so so happy. I can't believe it feels so natural and so true, even though it couldn't be any other way.

I'm so glad I get to play music with Realtree. I'm so glad that I'm in love with them and that the way we play together makes me love them more and more fiercely.

This is so sappy.

I can't string my thoughts together in a way that doesn't sound cliché and ridiculous and false. But it's so genuine and heartfelt I swear.

I'll go back later and elaborate more.

[scarcrossedlovers]

I have a lot to say today apparently

diary 09/03/21

-

I feel physical pain in my heart

I am surrounded by the best people I've ever met and they genuinely love me, and I do not deserve them.

I am a self-serving two-faced piece of shit.

No matter how hard I try to be a good person, and maybe even come across as so, it won't be true. My being is built upon a foundation of priviledge and lies and bad decisions that result me being a terrible person to everyone I've ever known and loved.

I don't want to repeat the exact same pattern that I've gone through a thousand times with these people because I care so deeply for them and I truly believe they are all so good and genuine and deep-down caring and beautiful people.

I want to sob thinking that they all give a damn about me because I don't deserve it.

Maybe I'm completely full of shit in this moment.

Every time I've tried to get close to people in the past it hasn't been like this, it's been me selfishly seeking a relationship and speedrunning closeness by cultivating my personality in their favor.

This time it doesn't feel like that. I feel myself around these people, I got to know each and every one of them slowly over time and I've actually put in enough emotional/physical labor for this community to rightfully reciprocate my efforts. I've always been there for them, I've held back from my usual pattern of lies, and I've always shown/said what I really think/feel instead of putting on a show.

But I'm terrified of that falling apart somehow. Terrified that I'll get lazy and I'm afraid I'm already seeing it happen. I've been nearly/slightly flipping out at people for asking for things from me and it's not that I don't want to care/provide for people, I love that. I've just been so upset and yearning to be cared FOR and provided FOR. Cause want a hug or a favor or anything to tell me that I'm seen as an equal and not just a caregiver.

I'm exhausted by it and it's been making me a worse person and a worse friend. Maybe I need to admit to myself that people aren't perfect and maybe my friends haven't been the best friends lately-for various reasons that I don't blame them for.

It's probably a phase of time that will pass, and I'll go back to being a good friend to them. As long as I don't let it fall apart like I have in the past.

I still don't think I deserve these people's love and time and affection. Even though I crave it and I lust after it. Even though I have it, often enough to warrant being the most happy and grateful person of all time.

aaaggghh my brain is falling to pieces. On top of that my ED is relapsing, which makes me more stressed which makes me WORSE to be around, which makes me crave control, which makes me ED relapse....... I'm in a spiral again like is has been time and time again, but this time I'm not willing to let my life fall apart, because my life is entwined with my friends' and I actually care about them.

I'm wondering if all this started when I started following a brain path titled: What Is My Flaw

I was thinking about the TV show (all-encompassing theory which explains why me and my friends' life is so wild and interesting), and how every character (my friend group and associates) have character flaws.

A group of a couple of us were talking about BlueBoy, and how frustrating the way they treat us is (self-serving, uncaring, policing). And I've often thought about how each person has one thing about them that really pisses everyone off (ie Realtree=not communicating, Clown=mean, Rat=trauma dumping... etc).

And I was trying to figure out, from an outside perspective, what my flaw is so that I can work on not doing that. But people don't really bring up their issues with me, even though it seems like folks are pretty good at calling out everyone else on their shit. I want to know what people take issue with.

I think it's probably that I complain about how hard my life has been even though my family is rich. And that's why I've been so upset today. Because it's a genuine struggle to grapple with my trauma and how much the shit I went through affects my everyday life, but I know that saying stuff about it out loud must really drive people crazy. Cause it's classist. I'm a classist piece of shit sometimes.

And now I'm going to be watching what the fuck I say out loud, even more than I've tried to in the past.

But that shit sucks, cause my friends are nice and they're the only people in my life that support me, and I like talking my shit through with people. It helps for people to hear me out. It even helps to make jokes about my trauma with a group of people I know damn well can handle jokes about trauma.

But it's so not ok for me to put those of them who grew up poor through the emotional labor of hearing some rich kid complain that they didn't get shit from their rich parents.

BUT I DIDNT. AND IT UPSETS ME.

I am traumatized from lack of support and the denial of basic needs. But because of society (drags cigarette), we are in totally different positions in this sense. My family had the chance to provide for me and they chose not to. Your family didn't have the chance to provide for you but they would have if they could.

God, it seems like somewhere I could bond with people if only there wasn't this social hierarchy where I still have more privilege than other people. I want so badly to find a balance of acknowledging that priviledge (let alone taking advantage of and redistributing that priviledge) and still relating to people.

I don't know. I just feel like I should really stop complaining, cause despite the abuse in my past there's also so much priviledge. And I can't fix that dilemma, and I shouldn't make my whining other people's problem.

This is just gonna have to be a thing I shut up about, and my friends can't support me through this, and it's kinda tearing me up inside. Cause I support my friends through their bullshit. I would do anything for them, and I put up with more than I should.

It just doesn't seem fair to make them put up with me.

..

oh god I'm gonna cry. I've been feeling really bad all day and I got excited about playing a song with my friend RT a few minutes ago but folks vetoed that cause it was too loud, which is acceptable. And then I tried to explain something about the song and someone cut me off, probably on accident. But it made me really upset cause I was already on ice in that moment, so I quietly left the conversation to go write about how I'm feeling. And now they're all singing a goddamn song without me. This is making me really sad. I know it's not a personal attack on me but, fuck. What a day.

[scarcrossedlovers]

going to lose my fucking mind

diary 09/03/21

-

right in the middle of this existential crisis regarding my inherent character flaws and scripted struggle, the universe threw me a motherfucking curveball and my mom texted me to tell me that they're kicking me off the data plan and to say "not working and not going to school isn't gonna be an option for you"

first of all fuck you mom, you can't say that as if you have stake in my life or have done since years past. second, fine, I'll take care of myself like I always have to in the end. and finally, fuck the universe for giving me one more thing to think about. as if complaining about not being supported as a kid warranted taking the last shred of financial aid my parents have been reluctantly providing.

I don't even care about the motherfucking data plan at all. It's as if the universe just wants to confuse me as much as it possibly can. As if accepting that I am not in my right to complain about my upbringing was too insightful of a realization. Like it wants me to feel as bad as possible. To feel bad about feeling bad for myself.

But what am I supposed to do. I feel bad for myself. I wish little me wasn't forced through what I was. Little me shouldn't have gone through that, and big me shouldn't have to deal with the ongoing trauma of being my own ONLY caregiver.

I am so sick of being forced into this role of supporting myself.

And I want to go insane and say awful things to people who don't deserve it like "at least you got emotional support, even if you didn't get objects and this sense of financial security that was taken away from me too." and "stop treating me like your parent just cause I did the work of saving enough money for myself that I can drive you around in my own vehicle and pay for my own food and gas and apartment sometimes."

God I am such an ungrateful little SHIT!!

It's so awful for me to even feel the way I do. Let alone to voice that feeling. Let alone let my frustration affect the people around me like I am by being so grumpy today.

[scarcrossedlovers]

frustration I shouldnt share

diary 09/03/21

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dealing with the priviledge vs abuse of my childhood is so difficult cause I want to try so hard not to be a dick about how well-off my family was but also acknowledge how extensively they did not share that with me as soon as I was percieved as able to take care of myself as a 10-14 y/o

and it's so not fair to say any of this out loud! I want to have this conversation but it's impossible to ask of anyone cause the only people I want to talk to did not have a similar experience and it's somewhere between bragging and whining in a really, frankly, offensive way

it's so infuriating because I want to relate to people who grew up poor in the way that we had to build our own lives and didn't receive the care we should have. but at the same time I have nothing in common with them cause my life was set up for success and I was very much provided for until my parents decided to give up on me.

and even then it's still, in some veins, worse in a sick way cause I had the opportunity to be provided for and they made the DECISION not to give that to me

But it's not worse at all really cause that bubble of priviledge that popped too soon at least gave me the safety and security of building this financial foundation of skills and experience that allowed me, even without help from my parents, to get a good job and save up money for myself.

I wish I was never rich in the first place, and what a terrible thing to wish. I hate myself for wishing that!! I commend people who hate me for wishing that!

But it still is.

It's always gonna be that way cause I'm still in this same situation of supporting myself for as long as I can remember, without the camaraderie or solidarity of people for whom it's always been this way.

And right now here's my friend asking if I want to talk about what I'm frustratedly writing about, but I believe in my heart that it is not fair to discuss.

I am alone in this and I need to act like it, even though that contributes to my crippling depression about being alone in the world and unsupported. It isn't fair to ask my friends who grew up poor to do the emotional labor of having to listen to me complain about having things they never had access to. Like some starving dog that grew up in a loving household but was sent out to the streets as soon as the puppy face wore off, complaining to an alley cat born and raised on dumpster scraps. god what an awful metaphor and how perfectly it sums my situation up.

I feel like I can't express how utterly heartbroken my childhood makes me. How much the sentence "you were cute when you were little, but we gave up on you when you turned 7" haunts me and summarizes my existence.

AAAAAAAA

I hate that my parents have more than anyone should. I hate that so many families have little to nothing. I hate that I can't redistribute the priviledge that I have and don't want. I hate that being provided for was treated like its own currency. I hate that my parents love and care was wholly conditional. I hate that I could've had a completely different life if only I'd ignored the truth and authenticity of who I am as a person. I hate that choosing to be myself took away all the opportunities I could've had. I hate that other people, no matter who they chose to be, won't get those opportunities. I hate that choosing to be myself and live my life as I see it most benefitting the world meant also giving up on taking advantage of my priviledge and basically saying "fuck you" to opportunity.

[scarcrossedlovers]

Getting woken up at 6:45 was worth it cause a thunderstorm was my alarm

diary 05/30/2020

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Magnificent

I've missed the woods so so so so much in quarantine. Being outside with outdoor people is what I've missed most. I'm really excited for our road trip.

It's my partner's birthday! And I have an interview for a temp nannying position at 1pm.

To do today:

Phone interview

Partner's birthday celebration

Workout if I have time

Laundry

Finish travel journal cover?

Cool beans

[scarcrossedlovers]

Yay I actually woke up with my alarm today!

diary 05/29/2020

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I slept balls though, so it's weird that today is the day that my body was like, yeah let's get up with the alarm. I didn't get to sleep until 2am, and then kept waking up from weird dreams and having to pee and being paranoid

Weird

To do today:

NGS work

Workout

Collage my travel journal cover

Go to a vigil for George Floyd downtown

Go camping!

The energy this week is weird. Everyone I've talked to has felt the same. It's charged and erratic. L and I were talking about how things might get set off because of the recent murders by police and quarantine and pent up frustration.

I'd like to break something and help get the word out, but I don't want to be a part of anything violent.

Protest is a difficult balance

[scarcrossedlovers]

Oh crap it's 1am

diary 05/28/2020

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I was gonna go to bed early!

Shit

Oh well

I wore shorts today and my legs looked acceptable to me

Nice

I bought a looooot of fruit and healthy stuff

And then I made a really good card for my partner

And then I went for a run even though it was 90 degrees. Heat is rude but it felt good to run

I ran to fred meyer to get more allergy meds and a new squishmallow for El and to see if I could find a map for L's and my roadtrip

I found something wildly better than a map! They only had an atlas- but a little thin one. SO I'm gonna turn it into a travel scrapbook for our trip and future trips!! There's different pages like one of the whole country and each state zoomed in- so we can map both the big loop and the more intricate paths within each state.

Very excited. I papered the cover and I'm gonna make a collage or something on the front tomorrow

Cals today:

Consumed - 1445

Burnt - 415

I burned a lot of calories today and spent a long time in the sun and only had broccoli for dinner, so I figured it was fine to eat a whole bunch of chocolate at the end of the day.

Yum yum

This was a good day. I'm getting better

My mental health is ACTUALLY getting better!

It's not an illusion, like this has been going on for weeks.

Being an adult and making healthy choices and processing my emotions and building relationships with good people and exercising and working on my hobbies....... is actually helping.

I'm doing it, it's getting better

I don't even really wanna kill myself.

[scarcrossedlovers]

I can't fucking wake up with my alarm

diary 05/28/2020

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This is the exact reason I decided to set an alarm again. I have been spoiled with sleep and if I want a nannying job I need to learn to wake up again

God it's shit I can't believe I'm such a slug.

I keep wasting half my days by sleeping until 11:30

I usually get to bed before 1, so that's a ridiculous amount of sleep

And I feel tired all the time anyway

I think I'm oversleeping

Anyways

To do today:

Grocery shop

Get stuff for partner's birthday present

NGS work

Workout

Sing

[scarcrossedlovers]

Unexpectedly busy day - felt good to do stuff all day

diary 05/27/2020

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I made huge progress on my acid rain report by finally understanding some new science stuff that I needed a background for. Then I went for a long run, then showered then saw my partner's ods graduation on zoom, then went to my parents house to eat dinner and steal some more cat food, then came back and embroidered flowers on a shirt for my partner's birthday while watching a movie with my roommates.

Nice.

I hope I don't miss that shirt.

I don't think I will cause I haven't worn it in forever and it's not-quite-black so it doesn't go with anything. And it wasn't fun at all until I embroidered on it.

I'll buy myself other clothes, I'm not really attached to that shirt.

El will really like it I hope. It was a fun first attempt at embroidery so hopefully they won't judge my sub-par stitching.

I'm gonna order some embroidery thread and embroider more stuff. That's fun as heck.

And then all my clothes will have fun additions!

More stuff to DOOOOO!!

Cals today:

Consumed - 1230

Burnt - 305

I'm gonna go to the store tomorrow and get a gift bag and maybe tissue paper, and some other stuff to fill it with. I also need groceries.

I should put Reece's and maybe some other candy in with it. And I need to make a card with a good letter.

So tired

And I got really hungry while watching the movie but didn't wanna eat anything it was weird

[scarcrossedlovers]

I'm so tired

diary 05/27/2020

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God the days go by so quickly and yet nothing happens

I forgot how going to bed high makes it so hard to get up in the morning. I have an alarm set for 9 now so I'll stop wasting my days, but it went off for an hour (while I continued to sleep) before I dismissed it. And then I finally woke up at 11:45

Jeez

I suck

To do today:

Actually email my summer boss

NGS work

Workout

Go steal cat food from my parents' house

Fucking figure out what I'm getting for my partner's birthday that's in 3 days

[scarcrossedlovers]

Wonderful evening!

diary 05/26/2020

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I did a little bit of work related emails and paperwork this morning, then worked out, then showered and relaxed and sewed more masks to donate.

Then I went on a sunset walk with my partner and their puppy, then had a campfire with L, and this really funny 7 year old kid from the house next door hung out with us. He did not stop talking the whole time, we taught him how to make a fire and use a hatchet. It was fun.

Then when he left I smoked weed with my roommates and we bounced and learned tricks on the trampoline.

My landlord picked up the trampoline a few weeks ago because he was bored in quarantine and thought it would be fun to have it. And since then the neighborhood kids all play on it, and we've been making friends with them, it's great to see kids again

I miss my students

Cals today:

Consumed - 1460

Burnt - 585

I burned a lot today, that was good. I did cardio and then a walk later. Plus I didn't even log calories from the trampoline-ing, which definitely tired me out.

I have found a really good routine of: breakfast early to tide me over, some fruit or vegetables for lunch really late at like 3pm, then once it's about 10pm just eating whatever small meals and little desserts or treats.

It keeps my calorie counts low, keeps me healthy, and keeps me from wanting to binge cause I still get to have my favorite foods in small quantities.

Yummy

I made the BEST cookies the other day, did I already talk about them? L has this stash of random chocolate covered things like nuts and malt balls and cherries and caramel. So I dumped a bunch of them into a bag and banged them with the side of a knife until they were chunks, then threw them in some cookie dough. And the cookies are soooooo goooooood.

I've been having like 1 a day. But yummmm

yummmmm

I'm still a little high and really hungry

But too lazy (and food paranoid) to make anything so I'm just gonna go to bed.

[scarcrossedlovers]

Zoning out already, barely woken up

05/26/2020

-

I set an alarm cause I keep waking up at 12 and that makes me feel like shit

So I'm up at 9 today.

I have a lot of little things to do today

I think I've been procrastinating something important but I don't know what it is

To do today:

Email camp boss about not working this summer/volunteering to make materials

Apply for nannying job

Answer work emails from school job

Format a tax-tracking sheet for NGS job and nannying job

Make worksheets for students

Work out

[scarcrossedlovers]

Oops I forgot to make a to do list today

diary 05/25/2020

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Oh shit it was monday I might have missed a staff meeting.. oh well. They really don't care that much.

I kind of ignored that it was monday today

I was up until 3am making playlists because it's the only thing I could think of that brought me a little security and control in the uncontrollable world

So I didn't wanna wake up, and I've been overexerting myself the past few weeks cause I refuse to go a day without burning 200 calories, so I didn't wanna actually work out.

It was a nice day though.

I finished my playlists, played guitar and finally learned some new songs that I've been procrastinating. I ended up (badly) dancing wildly in my underwear for an hour as my exercise. Very fun! And then I spent the rest of the day sewing masks and watching tv

I didn't do any ngs work. Which oh well. It's not required for me to do any work, I just want the money.

I'm a money hoarder....

I have two jobs and I'm applying for a third just because I can.

I have over $13,000 in my savings account that I never touch. I'm 18 years old....

To be fair that is savings for travel and future stuff, so I'll probably tap into it for my roadtrip this summer.

Then again, maybe not. I'm salaried for my job at the school so I'm getting a summer paycheck even after being done working. So.. hey. Might only need that? I'm pretty cheap. I never need all the money I make, and I'm really careful about spending. And that's why so much goes to savings.

Living life good. Thank you privilege and careful habits.

Cals today

Consumed - 1590

Burnt - 490

I feel a lot better (AND LESS HUNGRY) now that I'm not strictly limiting my calories. I don't feel the need to binge ever when I'm eating an average of 1400 cals. Which I am. Which is 800 less than my weight maintenance calories. And I'm also exercising off an average of 300 calories a day.

I'm definitely gonna lose weight.

In fact I already have. I can see it. I just need to buy a scale so I can prove it to myself.