Visceralvomit

Simply where I’m gonna dump my thoughts, they/them, autistic, POTS

[scarecrowjesus]

So basically if something is upsetting you and you don’t say anything…then it will probably continue to happen

[scarecrowjesus]

[scarecrowjesus]

Day 1 of trying to journal here

Tomorrow will be one week of laying in bed, all day, everyday. I know if I ate more than one shitty meal a day and left my apartment that I would feel better. I know if I reached out to my friends I would feel better. There’s so much I could do, but my self inflected punishment for feeling is to isolate until I’m drowning.

I’m just so angry at everything all the time and I think it’s wrong to feel that way so I get trapped further into this spiral. It doesn’t matter how much therapy I get or how high my antidepressant dose is if I just lay here and let myself fester and rot. I need to get up, I need to eat, I need to be outside and do something but I just feel so stuck.

I know it’s bad when my sole reason for not killing myself is that I don’t want to burden everyone else. But seeking help feels like it’s the same amount of burden. And internally I know that everyone else knows I’m struggling and it makes me so mad that no one is helping me but that’s not their job! I know it’s not. It’s an emotional burden that they genuinely aren’t responsible for. It’s completely unfair to expect someone else to intuit what I need and provide it without me reaching out for help. But then I get trapped in this cycle of “well if they cared about me then they would try” so reaching out would be burdening them.

I wish there were a button that would erase my existence, wipe me from everyone’s memory. That makes me feel so guilty cause that’s textbook suicidal ideation and that’s Bad but I can’t control it.

I don’t want to spend anymore money on food but I also don’t want to eat the same two things I’ve been eating for a week. I need to go to the store but that makes me angry all over again.

I know I’m crashing from isolating for so long but it’s so frustrating because I felt fine yesterday if a bit sad.

This made me feel a little better, I’m gonna bite the bullet (metaphorically I promise!) and buy some food. I can’t eat another cup of ramen or chicken nuggets. Subway isn’t much better but it’s an ok price for the quantity of food.

If anyone is miraculously reading this even though I didn’t add tags…idk, don’t interact cause then it’ll get awkward real fast

I’ll try to write again tomorrow, I might fail but that’s ok

[scarecrowjesus]

Refusing to tell me Eid Mubarak because a mutual friend already did is insane. And saying that’s akin to jumping on a train of saying thank you also insane. Do you not tell someone happy birthday because someone else did first? I celebrate Ramadan, I celebrate Eid, you fucking know that. I’m asking you to come to an Eid dinner and at that dinner why would you say that to me.

[scarecrowjesus]

Damn the curse of realizing that you are acting self-centeredly and yeah maybe complete brutal honesty isn’t always necessary. Like why do I feel like other people need to know they are annoying and that I’m suffering through it rather than…just suffering through it? Cause I feel 1000x worse when I say they are annoying and they change their behavior. But ig this is cause when I act in a way that I think might be annoying I want to know and I want to end it…so like why would other people not want to feel that way. Is it worth being uncomfortable and lying to preserve someone’s feelings? Bluntness isn’t a shield to protect yourself from repercussions of being mean 😔

[scarecrowjesus]

God knows I can’t express upset! Even about different situations! Because you have no capability to feel anything but bad for yourself right now

[scarecrowjesus]

Maybe I am just incapable of having human feelings? I mean I know I’m not, I’m feeling upset right now but like wow. If I can’t respond in the way someone wants me to it’s divine command to be instantaneously punished. I’m sorry that I don’t feel the same, I’m sorry that you feel bad, I’m sorry that I can’t respond how you want me to. What the fuck am I supposed to do

[scarecrowjesus]

The trials and tribulations of planning a birthday party when everyone fucking hates you and makes judgements based off how they *think* you act rather than talking to you