I talk louder to make myself seen in crowds full of people heading home. I go to work and I walk home, I order food and turn the tv on, I fall asleep and this is how everyday goes. I forget to pick up my meds, I forget to text my mum back. I talk to my pharmacist like he’s my therapist. Wondering what he does when he gets home. Does he cry in the bathroom like I do? Did he get used to the sound of his mother crying in her bedroom and his father getting drunk in the living room? I walk around the supermarket pretending Im not really this alone, imagining that I’m picking up all this food to go home and cook for somone who loves me and when I get home, I order takeout and eat alone. I convinced my therapist that I was doing better instead of admitting that maybe better is for people who don’t spend everyday in their bedrooms watching tv shows and drinking bottles of wine so they can numb every little single thought in their head. I spend every second inside of my own head, I look in the mirror and wonder what happened to the girl who was going to escape but instead became a ghost. I change my hair, I sign up to classes but never go. I look down when walking in public so they can’t see how pathetic I feel and I clutch onto my phone just incase someone texts me to tell me they see me and they’re happy I’m still here. I read articles about old people dying in their homes alone who weren’t found for days and I imagine lying on my bathroom floor dying with no one around. Everyday I’m waiting for the chance to unzip my skin and finally be seen by the people around me. I don’t know if its better to die alone or around people who you don’t really know, people who never really understood why isolation feels like suffocation. Slowly, I start disintegrating, leaving a girl like me no longer anything. Isolation is a funny thing because you think you’re the only one suffocating in your own skin but there is always mothers crying in the bathroom and fathers getting drunk at home and you’re not special, you’re just alone.
annaxmalina
turnnoffyourmind
jacobvanloon
titsay
prguitarman
