Ethical

where i develop, draw, and record my ethics

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PSA: Refusing to assist a survivor of abuse in protecting themselves from their abuser makes you F U C K I N G    C O M P L I C I T

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finding myself with no intrinsic value whatsoever.

i feel really badly, and not because of my usual guilt. but because i’ve come to realize again that my family doesn’t really accept me.

i don’t really feel, nor have i ever experienced unconditional love from my family. save maybe my younger brother or sister. but not my parents, nor aunts and uncles, nor my grandparents, who i put so much effort in for to make them love me.

the only time i was ever expressed love by my family was when i gained achievements. graduation, getting good grades, etc. now that i’m past that point, i don’t really have anything that would warrant a loving reaction from them. i don’t want to spend Christmas with them, nor do i want to live with them any longer.

frankly, a few thoughts of killing myself come up to my head. i don’t know, am i depressed? maybe. i’ve thought about taking anti-depressants before, but is it worth it? i don’t know. what difference would it make if i stabbed myself with a knife in between the eyes? or if i purchased a gun and just one bullet? i’m easily forgotten, nor of am i possessing any importance to anyone. i have done nothing of great value. nor can i guarantee that i would. so many people have struggled to do something with their lives, believing this society is a meritocracy, but that isn’t the case. a lot of success is about luck or just having the right cards dealt to you. i feel like my family wouldn’t miss me greatly. my parents have their own daughter, my baby sister, that is more cherished than i. i haven’t brought anything of worth to my family, nor to my friends, or communities that i belong to. i honestly don’t know what is stopping me from bringing the final solution to myself.

i feel badly, and guilty, and worthless. how can i not feel this way? the solution has been lost on me for the past twenty one years of my life.

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Of course I'm gone on the weekends

Why tf would I stay home

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My grades in this final quarter.

I told my partner, brother, and parents about this, but since DNL was the only one to be truly excited about it for me,

I got all A’s this final quarter of UCSB, and I’m pretty happy about it. I just wish other people were too.

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job hunting is so frustrating

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If someone was to receive a medal for making anything uncomfortable, it would be gold for both of my parents.

Honestly,

You do not need to be worked up about my brother not washing the dishes. His track record on washing dishes when he is told is so much better than mine. Stop making yourself angry for little reasons. It must be absolutely exhausting to maintain such high stress levels perpetually.

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I said goodbye to Grandmother Fire and goodbye to a few things

So, goodbye to

- All my fears about fully committing myself to protecting the environment and all life forms

- My warped self-image

- My fucked up self-esteem issues, and

- My failing self-confidence.

I promise to myself that I will work hard to repair myself and free myself from the pain I’ve swept under the rug for so many years. I will let them burn like the mountain laurels I dropped into the fire.

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New counselor

Ugh. I’m not sure about this new therapist. She seems a little insincere. She gives me smiles that I think are not genuine.

I wasn’t too sure about the other counselor as well, but I warmed up to her a few meeting sessions in. I’m just not excited to have to pay for this shit. This is easily going to become costly. This is going to cost me at least $1,000 a YEAR! That’s a fourth of my income, fuck.

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My research on the murders of environmentalists in my home country.

It’s 12:37am and I’m doing work for my research assistantship. I should’ve done this awhile ago, but it is what it is. The subject matter of my research is self-explanatory, as it is found in the title.

It hurts to see the faces of these sweet, good-natured people as I find more about them and how their lives ended in pain and too early. I’m reducing their lives’ work into an excel sheet that lists everything from where they were killed, their “homebase” of their activism, to the weapon that ended their lives. I feel like I’m not doing them justice.

But, in a convoluted and indirect way, I figure that I am bringing their memory and their names from the dead for this research. I can only hope that at some point in the future, this research will be helpful towards ending the violence that is directed towards good-natured people like these men and women and children. All they literally want is to protect the health of their people, and to protect their human environmental rights to healthy soil and water for their own sustenance and livelihoods. This is all so fucked.

RIP Jimmy Liguyon, Jordan Manda, Juvy Capion, Kitari Capion, Francisco Canayoung, and Fausto Tentorio. You have not been forgotten.

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“Relax”

I was told that one of the biggest drivers of me wanting to move out and find a place and get married is that I don’t share a motherly relationship with my mom. She is a “mom” but she is not “motherly”. I don’t feel like I can turn to her for comfort and advice without being judged. I think that her primary approach to motherhood was just disciplining me to do well in school and work, but that is all that she could give me.

Evelyn told me this. I’m curious to bring it up with my therapist during my weekly session with her to see if this is true or not. I think that it is feasible, but for some reason, the way she put it made it sound like wanting to be young and married is a bad thing. I can do whatever the fuck I want.

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Iron and Wine

I was seeing stars as he sang to me and my love.

One of the most blissful nights I’ve ever shared with any one. By far my favorite concert I’ve ever had the privilege and pleasure of attending.

An absolutely spellbinding night.

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It’s been too long since I’ve last seen my love

Tomorrow night, we reunite

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Had a strong debate with my mom yesterday about the BLM movement and the riots occurring in Charlotte.

“You shouldn’t be rioting, that only hurts your cause. You should protest the right way.”

WTF do you MEAN the RIGHT way??? Please refer to MLK Jr:

Martin Luther King Jr. in 1967, applicable even today:

"I think America must see that riots do not develop out of thin air. Certain conditions continue to exist in our society which must be condemned as vigorously as we condemn riots. But in the final analysis, a riot is the language of the unheard. And what is it that America has failed to hear? It has failed to hear that the plight of the Negro poor has worsened over the last few years. It has failed to hear that the promises of freedom and justice have not been met. And it has failed to hear that large segments of white society are more concerned about tranquility and the status quo than about justice, equality, and humanity. And so in a real sense our nation’s summers of riots are caused by our nation’s winters of delay. And as long as America postpones justice, we stand in the position of having these recurrences of violence and riots over and over again. Social justice and progress are the absolute guarantors of riot prevention.

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Insecurity in a fairly secure(?) relationship

As his social media coordinator, I have access to pretty much everything. I only go on his social media platforms to do my job, but I can’t stop feeling this desire to look through his messages and see if he’s cheating on me. I don’t think he would. I think he loves me. I also think that he knows he deserves better than me. In fact, he’d be stupid if he doesn’t know that. I’m just waiting for any tell-tale sign or little red flag that would alert me to any reason to break up with him. I’d rather break up with him than him with me. For my own safety and protection, you know?

I can’t exactly say how he feels about me. That’s not up for me to describe. I can just only wish that he’s in love with me as he says he is.

I hate hating myself, but I can’t fucking stop.

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Progress is fragile.

I was feeling so well after my counseling session today. But I fucked up doing a social media post for my boyfriend, so now I feel like absolute shit again. I can never do anything right.

Why?

I was feeling so well.

So well.

I realize now that progress is fragile. I don’t know how to keep from going back to Square One.

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Aftermath of Counseling #1

I realized a few things with this new counselor of mine, Victoria. I shall be brief with these.

I learned that I could never really turn to my mom for comfort, validation, and motherly love. If I don’t have someone who can serve as an example for such love, then I’m less likely to do it myself since I wouldn’t know how to.

I pretty much get my comfort, validation, and love from everyone else except my parents.

Thinking about qualities my friends would attribute to me makes me feel like a good person.

Thinking over and saying aloud my activities that I am doing this quarter makes me feel accomplished.

There were several times where I needed to calm myself because I was getting emotional. I raised this to Victoria; I was very surprised about my emotional state during counseling. She told me she hopes that I will reach a point where I can allow myself to cry during counseling. I just didn’t want to make it obvious that I have cried when I leave the room.

Anywho. It’s an incredible feeling that I’m experiencing, and I hope this continues.

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My first counseling appointment in three years

I’m having my appointment in like, 15 minutes. It’s 1:45PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2016.

I can only hope that this counseling over this school year will help me. I’m afraid of losing momentum by dropping the frequency of my visits to maybe once every other week or every three weeks.