musings

I want to tell you everything

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11-13-16

Okay, I’m headed out today! Mostly excited, a bit bummed about missing out on 90 days of media, coming back I’ll have a lot of catching up to do on music, TV, movies, games, politics, etc. Regardless, I’m ready to go and really interested to see how well I fare in a vastly different environment. I feel comfortable that I’ll do great so I’m not too concerned about it. Wanting to keep this short so I’ll cut it here, and I’ll be back with another update in February! Peace.

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11-8-16

Album of the Day is Radio Amor by Tim Hecker.

This album feels like the moments where you mean to look something up and forget what it was, walking into a room and not remembering why you’re there, or like trying to remember the name of some actress who was in that one movie you really liked, god what was the name of that one again?

Radio Amor is an hour-long bout of radio static and low, unintelligible voices creating a thick and dense, yet completely empty space. Between it all you’ll find short glimpses of a piano chord you seem to recognize, or maybe a word or two out of a conversation you weren’t meant to hear, like pressing your ear against your bedroom door and trying to figure out what your parents are arguing about. Low grumbles and a pop of something else, you try and piece it all together. The beauty of this album is that it embraces the empty space, the things you can’t quite pick up on. To be completely lost in that moment, the one where you can’t remember why you’re suddenly standing still at the threshold of the guest bedroom. It doesn’t last long, but if you could possibly imagine stretching out that single instance for hours, Hecker has given it the perfect soundtrack.

[scenery76]

11-6-16

People and places do not change, you grow out of them.

I saw a picture of my old theatre classroom today, the current cast for the current show all prepped and ready for rehearsal. I’ll be visiting in a few months, but I don’t think I’ll fit in as I used to, even though I’ve known many of them for over a year. They didn’t change, I did. Eventually, they’ll change too and feel the same way. Not much has happened between my time in theatre and now, but post-graduation you are very much a different person. I don’t know how to explain it, the differences are intangible, impossible to pick out. I’ll enjoy seeing them all, it’ll be a great experience, but I’ll be an outsider. Last year, a few different graduates had come into the classroom to visit and I noticed the change in them as well, even though I couldn’t pinpoint what it was. I was in the car with my dad today, we drove down the same highway that he spent a lot of his youth in, and he explained the same feeling to me. Said that the buildings we saw still looked the same, “I bet the food still tastes the exact same at the bar, just like it used to.” Said that through social media he knew a lot of his old friends still lived in those small towns, still frequented the old haunts. The towns didn’t change, no one went in and rewrote their recipe books, and the residents still drove the same roads to get to work each day. If he went back, he said, he didn’t think he’d be very comfortable living there, it’s not him anymore.

It’s scary to think about, it’s sad that you lose a piece of your life. One moment it’s everything you know, and the next moment it’s lost on you entirely. The silver lining is that as you grow, you collect new experiences, new friends, new stomping grounds. If you remained stagnant for all your time here on Earth, it’d be a disappointment. There’s so much to explore, so many opportunities and people to meet, places to go. It’s natural that we grow out of these things, we let pieces of our lives go so that our hands might be free to hold onto something else. We make room only for the most important parts of the past, for the friends that really matter and the memories that made an impression, taught us life lessons. Everything else falls by the wayside in order to lighten your pack for the next journey in life, and it is good.

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10-12-16

This morning I was feeling a little down so I decided to go take a stroll through the woods, take some pictures of the nice sunrise over the trees, get some sunlight, get outside and out of my head. Upon being outside for approximately fifteen minutes, my wrist, which was covered by a long sleeve flannel mind you, suddenly began to itch and was covered by lots of small bumps. I attempted to keep walking, thinking it would just go away if I didn’t itch it, but inspecting it about five minutes later showed that the bumps had grown in size and now looked mutant-like and discolored, great. That ended the walk, as I then rushed back home to clean it with gardening soap. What better way to explain my life right now than in this oddly fitting physical metaphor.

[scenery76]

10-8-16

It’s been a long day today and I nearly forgot to write something here, a pool function plus my nephew Caleb’s birthday party afterwards. On the upside, I ran my first sub-12 mile and a half today at 11:51, which is an amazing improvement over my very first run which clocked in at 14:40. Physical exhaustion to begin the day, and mental exhaustion from being around lots of people and children to end it. Extremely tired and not wanting to write very much, I have decided to write a short impromptu poem instead of a lengthy explanation of my day and the thoughts I’ve had within it.

Four pumpkins silently sat,

On a porch one cool Autumn day,

They turned to each other and had a great chat,

You may ask, “What do squash have to say?”

“What great costumes this year!”

“Of corn, I could go for an ear!”

“My teeth are all crooked!”

“Well at least your eyes are able of looking!”

They talked all through Halloween,

‘Till the sun began to snore,

Soon the grass wouldn’t be green,

October was no more.

“I’ll miss you all a bunch!”

“Next year, I’ll take us for brunch!”

“Your eyes are great, the way that they are!”

“And of your teeth, they shine like stars!”

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10-7-16

I mentioned in yesterday’s post that I had been reading Meditations, along with that book I have been reading Confucius’ Analects, and a book called A Patriots Handbook which is a collection of important texts concerning the USA’s history, culture, and people. In reading these books on different philosophies or ideologies, I have noticed that the defining principle of all three is the focus on doing good, as opposed to bad or evil. Aurelius describes what is “good” as being the things that all humans know to be good based on a natural, spiritual law. We follow these laws that are predefined by something greater than ourselves, and the things in accordance with that law are “good”. Confucius offers a similar idea that all humans are born naturally good, though we should stop worrying about what makes a good man, and be one. I think that this is my favorite idea, hypocritical as it may be that I’m writing on the topic right now. To worry every moment about doing the right or wrong thing is a waste of time, according to both philosophers we already understand what is good, and therefore it should be easy to decide. Without much thought, based on intuition.

I think that I am good, even though I know that I have done bad things in my life, as everyone has. Overall, I believe myself to be good. Guilty of self-love, overindulgence in my own thoughts, and perhaps oft a poor friend. I am careful with my words, I try my best to be resolute in my own beliefs and still respectful of others’, I would never intend to hurt another person, I attempt to be charitable and helpful to all. Even before my departure from Catholic school I had lost my faith, it has been nearly 8 years since then. Now I think I’ve begun to find it again, not in any organized religion or belief system, but in the knowledge of good and evil, and in the belief of a grand design. While on vacation I read this passage from Meditations, looking out over the ocean:

“Since it is possible that thou mayest depart from life this very moment, regulate every act and thought accordingly. But to go away from among men, if there are gods, is not a thing to be afraid of, for the gods will not involve thee in evil; but if indeed they do not exist, or if they have no concern about human affairs, what is it to me to live in a universe devoid of gods or devoid of Providence? But in truth they do exist, and they do care for human things, and they have put all the means in man's power to enable him not to fall into real evils.“

In pondering over different philosophies, in being in a very beautiful place in the world, in reading this very comforting passage, the culmination of these things has been a step forward in perhaps re-discovering a belief in something greater. It’s a good thing, I think, to have religion in your life. At boot camp I will be able to attend a Catholic church every Sunday, and I’m looking forward to that. Even if I do not fully believe in exactly what one religion has to say, I am most comfortable with Catholicism and wouldn’t mind at all rejoining the Church and perhaps one day raising my children within it. A father who believes in God is the firm cornerstone of a successful family, according to Confucius’ rites.

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10-6-16

I’ve just returned from the Dominican Republic, narrowly out of the way of Hurricane Matthew’s path. I read Aurelius’ Meditations and a book on the history of the African continent for a majority of the trip, it’s nice to relax on the beach just reading and looking out to the horizon. I’m thinking about my future in the Marines and beyond, I have high hopes and the path to success is clear for the first time in my life. I ship out to boot camp on 11-14-16 so I’ve got just a little over a month before I leave, which I’m very excited for. Aside from all that, there’s not a lot going on right now. No job, no school, no girlfriend or anything, just wake up and hang out on the web until it’s time to go PT at the office.

I’ve created this blog as a way to remember what goes on in my life and where my head is at in good times and bad, it’s also a writing exercise as I’ve noticed lately that I don’t write nearly as often as I used to. The URL is a reference to Scenery by Ryo Fukui, a jazz album that I particularly enjoy. I will try to update this every single day, some days logs of my life like this, maybe some days I’ll post reviews of music, poems, anything creative that might showcase my life on a given day. I don’t fully expect anyone to read this or be interested, it’s an entirely personal project, though I have left it open in case anyone is curious about me and my life. Uninteresting as it may be in my own eyes, others may see it as something else and so I choose to offer it to all.

[scenery76]

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