Meh
When I originally made this account, I hoped to produce original views on posts and songs and movies and just be like oh this is my outlook. At some other point this inspiration ran dry and its become a repost page...
What I’ve wanted to do for a while is have this account as a free way to post openly what I’m feeling and whats happening with minimal actually people I know viewing it. So maybe It’s time I make that happen.
10/6/16 9:45 ish
Today has sucked. After believing I had some hope and was comfortable with the chain rule, a 60/100 told me not, even though about half the class did as well. So I don’t actually know if I understood the concept or if we just never were taught sufficiently for these bullshit problems. Yay for good mornings.
Rewinding before that, walked through as normal and saw good friend though not close currently crying with friend. To be mentioned further
Second block was okay. Thank you Mr. Silva, only class where my grade goes under but not my mental state (almost). But talked with friends boyfriend after sidehugging(cryingfriend) sigh never got to full hug crying friend and like man people suck and I just wish I knew how to help people and I just wish that I could've changed that for person sorry nonsensical thought.
Development of cynical laughter in APUSH, as the dissapointment and nonknowing and lack of effort. And then person in photography was there and this person was part of possible reasons for making friend cry but Im like oh no theyre good people too right but im worried there might just be problems if peoples are different than I thought. And I hope that isn’t the case. I also hate the freshman sitting to the right of my god........ She never pays attention and always asks for help and she can’t take a joke and is just not chill and its just like holy fuck brains develop so much....
Junior Years supposed to be the like stressed out year so I guess it has become that. I have been expecting this to happen for the longest time, when natural effort and not maximum won’t get me through at a good grade or good expectations at school. And I’m just letting it happen because my parents trust me hah. Grades are dropping, but I mean I’m doing more TA things at EBCPA. My mental states been constantly stable, and when I’m sad its generally manageable. But on the depression side I’ve been building up more reasons to be disappointed of myself such as not going to Capoeira, not that I’ve ever really taken care of my room but there’s that. I’m letting HW assignments slip like they’re nothing. I don’t study for APUSH quizzes,and I’ve procrastinated more than ever on every assignment. I stay up late to pretend I don’t have homework and then wake up early to do the,, half the time not even being able to wake up to finish them. It’s just great for myself not putting enough effort into piano to have proper results and it often it so hard just to get myself to go to the piano to practice what I already know to not forget it. I haven’t played berimbau in forever or worked on a new song either for that matter. It’s been so long since I’ve sat down to like truly like work on passions. I keep trying cards but I never get far enough.
Games are so much easier and music is so much nicer just to get away in. Unhealthy habits..
Just about an hour or so ago I dropped the fucking red heart onto my ipad, point first. It broke. It fucking broke I’ve had this ipad for so long it’s part of me I feel so dumb so I knew it would happen Im amazed it took so long. But. It’s cracked. It’ll be different playing Deemo and using it and its been there for me always entertainment homework notes alarms and just central part of life communication my modern technology. I’ve cried and talked to so many people over this dumbass device there’s so much problems I've had because of it and so much i doubt id ever have without. Like I feel like there’s no denying that what has happened in my life especially that through the internet and the iPad has happened because I've had it. There’s so many special people I feel I wouldn’t have known otherwise if I hadn’t had this convenient free access to people and the world.
And I cracked it. Being dumb and careless. It’s just so hard to not hate myself right now. Just because I was mad and disappointed and frustrated I was lazy with this dumb heavy bug red heart and I dropped it onto the sensitive edge with the point on the iPad. There’s just no comfort for it. This is my computer, my treasure device extension of me. Why would anybody else care about that I don’t know. idk.
So I’m here. I don’t want tommorrow. Another day of not knowing what I’m doing until stage combat. I don’t even know when the class im TAing for is.
Leave a like if you read this, just for my curiosity. Asks are open(I Hope).. Ill answer almost anything.
