Skating the edge finale
𝑷𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: 𝘑𝘰𝘩𝘯 𝘓𝘰𝘨𝘢𝘯 𝘹 𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳
𝑺𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚: 𝘚𝘦𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘴𝘬𝘢𝘵𝘦, 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘩𝘶𝘨𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘩 𝘰𝘯 𝘑𝘰𝘩𝘯 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘰 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨
𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈: 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘰𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘹𝘪𝘦𝘵𝘺, 𝘱𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘤 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬. 𝘚𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘯
Parts: one,two,three,four,five,six,seven,eight,nine,ten
A few days later
Laying in bed, head resting comfortably in John's lap, I stared at the ceiling picking my brain to find the key points between Nash's Game Theory and the development of Dixit and Skeath on it. God I hate economics.
John sat with his back against my headboard, Papers in hand, waiting for my answer. We have been studying for two hours now and my brain was officially fried. Rubbing a hand over my face I sight loudly. “Just tell me. “
“Nah, you know that babe.”
“Do not.” I said yawing.
A crooked grin spread across his lips.
“Looks like someone's sleepy”
“Just a little.” I stretched, pressing the back of my head down on his thighs. He put the notes on the bedside table next to him. Using his now free hand to brush through my hair. Fingers lightly scratching my scalp. Mmmh. Seeing my relaxed features, his grin widened. “You like that?” “Fucking love it.” I purred, closing my eyes. His other hand moved over my side stroking over my ribs. A shiver ran down my spine. It still felt crazy thinking about it. John Logan is my Boyfriend. Mine. Absolutely bonkers. When his big hand splayed over my abdomen, I had to swallow a moan. I was down bad for this man. He leaned over me and placed a slow kiss on my forehead. As he went back I gripped his shirt stopping him.
“Please, more John.” His eyes darkened, lips curling smugly. “Not so sleepy anymore huh?” He teased before moving me from his lap so I laid flat on my back. His forearms placed themselves on either side of me as he hovered his big body over mine. Eyes flitting over me he slowly lowered his head down, I felt my pulse speed up. His breath fanned over my face before he pressed his plum lips against mine. A soft sigh left me as he gently nipped my bottom lip. I raked my fingers through the dark strands at his nap, pulling teasingly at the hair. Logan groaned against my mouth, his fingers digging into my waist. One of my legs rose against his side, warping around his hip. John's deft fingers skimmed the hem of my t-shirt, creeping up my side, seemingly leaving a trail of fire on my skin. John's lips trailed down my jaw, moving down my throat. Back arching up, I pressed my chest against his as he sucks on the sensitive skin of my neck. A hushed “please” escapes my lips whilst I grip his shoulders tightly. John's lips left my skin, returning to my lips for a searing kiss. He lovingly rubbed the tip of his nose against mine. “What do you want beautiful?” His voice is husky, rough around the edges. My eyes are hooded when I glance at him, breathless. “You. I want you.” I whispered, pulling him down, pressing my lips hungrily against his.
Just as he pulled my t-shirt over my head, my phone rang.
I should have just ignored it, but when I peered over his shoulder and saw “Dad” flash across the screen it was like a bucket filled with cold water was dumped over me. I practically pushed Logan off me and dived for my phone.
“Hey Dad." I enthusiastically blurt into the speaker.
“Hey Kiddo, sorry for not calling earlier. I had a lot to do.”
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Staring blankly at the ice rink, my fingers stopped moving, laces dangling in my hands. I can do this. Blinking, I wretched my gaze from the ice and looked back down to tie my skates.
This is fine. Tightening the knot I felt my jaw flex. Closing my eyes for a heartbeat I exalted and counted to ten. Eyelids fluttering, I nodded once and swung myself on my feet, staggering to the door to enter the ice.
Positive thoughts. I reminded myself. Tomorrow I will hang out with the whole group again and it's also the first time since John and I were a couple. Life was slowly coming back together till the phone call. No. Shaking the memory from my head, I reminded myself why I was here. I have to finish this. Close the book. Bring it to an end. My heart was hammering inside my chest, drumming in a fast rhythm. It’s okay. Taking a tentative step onto the slippery surface, my whole body locked in. Spine straightening, leg muscle flexing. I skated purposefully into the middle of the rink. Coming to a stop I just stood there, taking in the calm, feeling the cold. It was empty and still, a sharp contrast to the hockey games when this arena was bussing with energy, fans hollering and cheering. Now it was just me.
Scoffing my mouth twisted into a sneer. Yeah, cause he doesn't care about you. “Fuck you.” I whispered, weakly. I don't need you! I never have.
Pushing myself off I started the first round around the rink. I could feel how the anger was crawling up my torso, constricting, burning, seizing my heart. But instead of spiraling into it like the times before, I focused on the frozen ground underneath me. I paid attention to the ridges in the ice, and how it felt gliding over them. Still feeling the storm brewing inside me, I started slalom skating, needing my mind to concentrate on something else. Taking a turn too hard my foot slipped right under me, tumbling down I managed to turn and land on my ass instead of my arm. Up on impact I closed my eyes, breathing away the sudden sting. I sat there for a moment, waiting till it subsided and pulled myself up again. As I went back to skating straight ahead, I wasn't so sure anymore if this was a good idea. Having the need to prove myself after one measly call was pathetic. Who are you even trying to impress here? You're all alone.
“Hey! I thought we talked about this.” At the sudden sound of John's stern voice I lost my footing. I rowed wildly with my arms to regain my balance and actually remained upright. Clutching my chest, drawing in a relieved breath, I gave him a dirty look. “Do you want to kill me?” I skated over to the entrance where Logan was standing, looking unhappy. “Did’n mean to frighten you. But you broke your promise.” He pointed accusingly at me, eyes narrowed. “We said no more nighttime ice skating alone.” Stopping in front of him, I gripped the boards for stability and looked up at him. “No, we said no more secret ice skating at night. I texted you that I was going.” I corrected him. Smiling sweetly at him after did not work to untrouble him as I hoped it would. I haven't spoken to him since I pretty much kicked him out to talk with my father. He frowned. “Baby, what are you doing?” John sounded tired, which every normal person probably was after midnight. “I am skating.” He gave me a look, wordlessly calling me out on my bullshit. Turning away, I rested my chin on my shoulder. “I just need to work some things out.” His fingertips brushed against my jaw as he turned my head back so I was facing him. “What’s going on?” The frown had vanished from his handsome face, instead there was a worried look in his eyes. I had not told him. I hadn't told anyone. I didn't want to tell anyone.
“Don’t worry, it's nothing.” I answered, trying to ease his mind. The frown returned.
"So getting up in the middle of the night to skate is nothing?” The sarcasm was thick in his voice.
“You do that too.” I crossed my arms defensively in front of my chest.
"I am a hockey player.” He said flatly.
“That argument is not as strong as you think it is.” I replied dryly.
“Y/N.”
“I don't want to talk about it.” My voice grew quieter, arms loosening.
“I have to work that one out on my own.”
He signed, hands intertwining with mine. He brought them up to his face, planting a kiss on each of them. “You are not alone and you don't have to suffer whatever is going on alone baby.” He squeezes my hands for good measure, eyes peering into mine.
“Suffering is a strong word.” I deflected.
“Babe.” John nearly begged, head tilted down to get a better look at my eyes. I refused to meet his eyes, freeing my hands and hesitantly skating away a few feet.
“It's really not that dramatic John.”
“Well, you make it seem dramatic.” He deadpanned.
I level him with a frown. I didn't want to be dramatic, I just didn't want to talk about it. Is that a crime?! I bit down on my lower lip, heads swimming with things I could tell him to sooth his mind without saying more than I wanted to.
What I hadn't realised was that John was wearing his skates, so it took me by surprise as he effortlessly slid over to me.
“What did your dad say?” He sounded so careful, almost as if scared. I blinked astonished, heart plummeting into my stomach. “What- I didn’t- How?” I babbled confused, blood pumping faster.
“So it has to do with the call.” He stated, nodding to himself. I balled my hand to fists, nails digging into my palm. Stupid girl. “Just leave it. I will skate a few more rounds and go to bed after.” I didn't wait for his response, just skated away. John of course caught up to me in seconds, he didn't even break a sweat.
He leisurely skated beside me, not touching, not asking. He was just there. Don’t you dare depend on him. Sure now he has time, but for how long? A simmering heat bloomed in my gut, anger starting to wake again. I increased my speed, he followed. It made me even more angry, why was he keeping up with me? Just leave me alone! I need to do this alone. But it didn't matter every time I grew faster, he adapted in the blink of an eye. My chest felt heavy, tight, like a rubber band was stretched around my torso. Breathing was growing harder. Flexing my jaw with a determined look, I tried to ignore it. Breath in. Breath out. It's not that difficult! My vision started to blur around the edges, but I didn't need to see the edges, I just needed to move one foot in front of the other. We are all alone in this world, the only one really caring about you is yourself. He had said it as if it was so obvious that it was almost embarrassing not to know it. You know that kiddo, it's how the world works, you need to remember that. My stomach was churning. Yeah, I remembered. Remembered not to expect anything from my father, but he didn't mean to hurt me, he was just preparing me for the harsh world out there. It was truly foolish of me to expect anything else from him. A call after weeks of silence, just to give me some words of wisdom I didn't ask for nor wanted. I just want my dad to care. I felt resentful. Bil rose in my throat.
What I didn't realise at that moment was that something in me was slowly unspooling.
A threat coming loose, untangling a ball of hurt. Layer by layer, the fire in me grew smaller, till it was nothing more than ashes. Sometime around the final layers involuntary silent tears started streaming down my cheeks. Still John didn't intervene, he was just there right beside me, ready if I gave my consent. Blurry eyed, I slowed down. I was gasping for air, like I just ran a marathon. I was wobbly trying to get to the boards to stabilize myself but I tumbled. I was halfway down, Knees a breath away from hitting the ice when a strong arm encircled my waist and pulled me back up. I was heaving in his arms. Back pressed against his chest. It was too much. Too tight. “Let go.” I demanded weakly. A warm shiver ran through my body, then it grew cold. Head spinning, I half heartily trash in his embrace. “Baby.” He called softly, still holding me. “I can't breathe." I dug my finger in his forearm. “i cant-” My voice broke, desperately gasping for air. John carefully brought us down on the ground, finally letting go he moved in front of me. I was on my hands and knees, head hung low, breathing loud and heavy. His warm fingers cupped my face, tilting my head up. “Breath with me Y/N. In-” He took a deep breath, eyes commanding me to do the same. “-and out.” We did that for what felt like an eternity, till my head lay feebly in his hands and my breathing evened out.
John tentatively pulled my closer. He rested my head against his chest and gave me a chaste kiss on the crown of my head. I felt so tired, my head full of cotton. “I wanted to show him.” I mumbled into his hoodie. Logan leaned his cheek on top of my head, humming. Swallowing, I continued. “He tried to teach me but- but I was soo soo bad. Constantly falling.” I grimaced, eyes filling with new tears. He put his arms around me, holding me. “He stopped. Said I wasn't cut out for it.” Sniffing, I grabbed the fabric of his hoodie. His arms tightened their hold around me. “I wanted so badly to show him, I could do it-.” Licking my lips, I shook my head. Disgrace. John's fingers stroked calmly over my back. I listened to his heartbeat. Sorting through my muddled thoughts. Suddenly a bitter laugh erupts from my throat. “He doesn’t need me.” I stared at the ice, the corners of my mouth pulling painfully to the side in a cruel grin. “I don't need him either.” My voice is pitching higher than normal. It sounds wrong. It feels wrong. Twitching, my body begins to shook violently in his arms. Eyes brimming with tears, I had to bite the inside of my cheek so as not to cry. Twisting against his chest, I leaned back to look him in the eyes. I took me by surprise to see his glazed over eyes, lips a hard line. My lower lip began to wobble, suddenly feeling so small. “Why doesn't he want me?” Voice breaking at the end, a barely human sound broke free from deep within me. A wail full of torment. Logan's voice breaks “C’mere baby.” He tries to pull me into him again but I shake my head. “I am not enough. I am…Iam weak- I don't deserve this.” I cry, shaking my head vehemently. He seizes my shoulders firmly but not hurting. “Look at me.” He rasped. I squeeze my eyes shut, weeping. “Sweatheart look at me. Please.” John pleas, moving his big hands to my face, thumbs rubbing the tears from my wet cheeks. I dare to raise my gaze and wish I hadn’t when I saw the hurt in his brown eyes. I hurt him. “I am sorry.” I bowed my head in shame. He was the last person I wanted to hurt. “Dont you dare apologize." John forced me to look him in the eyes. “You are enough. You are strong. You are the most amazing girl I ever met and it is a privilege to know you, to love you!” He declared, making sure to speak loud and clear. Willing me to believe him. “No-” I begin to shake my head, but he stops me. “You are everything!” He seals it with a kiss. Not hungry. Not desperate. It's sweet and full of love. I can taste the salt of my tears, feel the tremble in his hands but it is still the best kiss we had shared. Warm and comforting. Home.
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We sat together in the bathtub, hot water warming my freezing bones back up. Logan's big body was a bit cramped but he didn't complain, just pulled my back tighter against his chest. The rest of the hockey house was asleep, bath illuminated by candles and the moonlight creeping in through the blinds. It was peaceful. Leaning my head bag against his shoulder I exhaled deeply, my throat a bit sore from crying. I was calmer, more collected. He dipped his head, kissing my shoulder. “He is leaving, you know.” I absentmindedly draw circles into his skin. “Didn’t even tell me himself. My mom called shortly before our weekend trip.” His muscles tensed lightly. “Its probably the reason I came on to you like that. I wanted someone to want me…” I grew silent again. “I hope that was not the only reason.” John gently bites my earlobe. "Of course not.” I gave him a half smile.
“Good.” His nose followed the curve of my neck.
“I tried to keep it all in, though if I just learned to skate I could prove that I don't need him.”
He hummed, signaling he was still listening.
“I was pushing myself to the edge, trying to be tough.”
“You are tough and so fucking stuborn.” He mumbled affectionately into my skin. I scoffed, closing my eyes. My ear was pressed against his chest, right over his heart.
“Thank you, for listening. Thank you for being here.” I mumble, looking up at him through my wet eyelashes. A warm smile spreads across his lips. “Always.”
A/N: So this is it. Thanks so much to everyone who stuck with it until the end. I hope you enjoyed it! Tag list: @prettylittlewrites @sunshinevansh @rayne1 @bloodysnow15 @nicolej04 @yearningeternally @delusionalbubbletea @monayyy-21 @aeyoshinyships @wilmonyibo7 @cherrycherry19 @wronqness99