down with the funky shit

the one the only

[tahani-parkinson]

"Mm, yeah, heard you're all about human connection," Tahani smirked, talking shit just for the sake of it. "I mean, number two was also with someone I'm adjacently friends with... or, was. It's a weird web but the important part is that I won." When Stifler paused she cocked her head, suddenly very interested in what juicy information he was apparently about to share. "No way..." she had to take a step back, pressing her knuckle to her mouth to stifle her laughter. "Was it the pie fucker? If he fucked your mom she probably got a wild yeast infection." Oh, how he was going to wish he'd never shared that information with her. "I am... definitely going to be keeping a closer eye on them. Shit, it'd be a hot threesome at least. Honestly can't believe I've never considered it."

[schmidt-stifler]

"My reputation precedes me." He shrugged, barely keeping a straight face as the slightest hint of a smirk broke through his features. "Oh so you've got one of those Love Island friend groups, just recoupling and shit." When Tahani started laughing he shot her another warning glance, more playful than it was threatening, then laughed with her when she asked if it was Jake, his pie-fucking best friend, and shook his head. It happened so long ago now that he didn't care who she ran and told, he figured most people knew already, but the odds that her and Percy knew each other were way too high to just willingly give that up. "Nah, you think if he managed that he still would've fucked that pie? Different friend. I'll let you figure it out, that could be fun for you. Yeah? Let me know how that goes... or don't actually, I don't know you like that."

[p-finch]

"Pretty sure you're not allowed to say that, especially during pride month. Kind of feels like a microaggression," Percy said without really thinking about it. The moment he saw Stifler all the sarcasm in his body flooded to his head. "Yeah well you're a bias audience. Glad you remember the mesh shirts though. You really liked wearing those." He rolled his eyes and looked back at the set up. "No, just something I worked weeks on and kind of got destroyed in one fell swoop. We're supposed to open in four hours so," he shrugged it off, figuring Stifler didn't actually give a shit. "So yeah, I am a bit of a bitch right now."

[schmidt-stifler]

"Get the fuck out, I can't say one of my favorite words now? You don't know my heart." As much of an asshole as he was, he still had some basic decency- he would't rag on Percy because he was gay, or bi, or whatever he was, it was just all the other stuff. "Yeah I liked wearing those, I looked good." Following his gaze, he looked back at the set-up with him, which even Stifler knew was kind of a mess by his standards. "You can be a bitch about that," he decided, not like he needed to give Percy permission, but he understood where he was coming from. "You need help? I mean I can reach things your hobbit ass definitely can't but I've got people at the club too for event set-up, and we run a tight ship over there."

[tahani-parkinson]

"See? Point proven, you'd know already if there was a gossip blog." To be fair she didn't actually want a copy-paste of that whole point in time, but she did love gossip and she hadn't heard anything meaty in ages. "Yeah, they're such good friends they decided they wanted their kids to be siblings. First one did a runner, second one stepped up by accident, honestly. You'd think it'd be weirder but I don't know, I guess they're doing it for the kids. Or maybe I'm the decoy and they're sucking each other off out the back, who can be sure?"

[schmidt-stifler]

"Maybe but then we wouldn't be having this conversation. That's what's really wrong with the gossip blog, there's no human connection." Even he knew that was bullshit but he was rolling with it as a counterpoint. "Oh well if number one's a deadbeat then it's fair game, isn't it. That's crazy. One of my friends-" He paused a second, knowing Tahani would laugh or grill him about what he was about to say next, and gave her a warning glance as he bit back a laugh of his own, fully aware of how it sounded, "-fucked my mom and hasn't been my friend since so me personally I wouldn't let that slide. You might be right, they might be trying to Challengers you."

[p-finch]

"No, that's hideous. What wasn't clear about that the first time?" Percy was definitely undercaffeinated, and his pop-up shop wasn't going as smoothly as he planned. He had gotten back to Rosewood just a few days ago after a few weeks in Paris and he was trying not to be a snob. But the summer staff he had hired barely knew their right from left. "Hey does anyone want a job? Everyone here is fired!" He stepped outside and patted his pockets for his cigarettes. "God, I've become a bitch, haven't I? Or do bitches just have high standards?"

[schmidt-stifler]

Stifler was helping his mom out in running a few errands for her, picking up a dress she had custom made or something while she focused on the club's busy season. Garment bag over his shoulder, he was headed back to his car when a bit of commotion from one of the other stores caught his attention, and out came Percy Finch. Most days he would've been pissed to see Percy, like a bad omen for how the rest of his week would go, but watching him have a melt down outside what he now assumed was his store was hilarious. "Diva down," he called out, grin stretching across his features as he moved closer to the building. "Nah you've always been a bitch, it's not even a new thing. The fuck was that about, somebody fold one of your mesh shirts wrong?"

[tahani-parkinson]

"How else was I supposed to keep up with my score on the STD ladder? Pretty sure I was beating you for a while there..." Tahani laughed. It was easier to look back on and laugh now if only because she hadn't lost anything to the rumours. Others weren't quite so lucky, but she'd never been the most empathetic in that regard when all she wanted was to be entertained. "See, if it came back you could get ahead and pay some girls to say you're okay in bed," she smirked, teasing. "You think? Thanks, I guess? Go ahead, I'm curious..."

[schmidt-stifler]

"My score wasn't that high," he said dismissively, as if it made her stat less impressive, then laughed. The gossip blog didn't ruin his life, it didn't have that kind of power, but it did make things, namely dating, a little harder for him. If that was the only adversity he ever faced then he couldn't really complain, not when everything else was a cake walk otherwise. "I wouldn't need to pay them," he smirked back. "Not I think, sorry- just congrats, for real. I mean.. You can't just lead with your baby daddy's best friend and then not give me anything else. Are they still friends? I'm trying to get a read on this situation."

[tahani-parkinson]

"Do you think if I say Gossip Blog into a mirror three times it'll come back to life?" Tahani twirled the straw in her drink, overlooking the cocktail party she was contractually obligated to be at for at least another hour. "I mean, I know it ruined lives or whatever but I'm bored," she sighed, as if that were the most pressing matter in the world. "I had a baby with my baby daddy's best friend so, like, I've done my duty for the entertainment around here. I need something new."

[schmidt-stifler]

"No way you actually read that." The only times he'd been mentioned on the gossip blog were to talk about his dick and how allegedly disappointing he was in bed, so yeah he didn't think it was worth paying attention to. Stifler went to his fair share of these cocktail parties, especially as he took on more at the country club, but it was mostly just to show face and drink. "Let me know if they do start that back up, maybe I can get ahead of it. Run a little PR. And hey congrats on the baby... I think. Can I be nosy for a sec?"

[dcminions]

TYRIQ     WITHERS Complex

[p-finch]

"Do you think it's professional for me to put a picture of me holding up a peace sign with a full bar behind me as part of my holiday out of office message? You know what fuck it, I'm doing it anyway." Steph finished with her phone and then dropped it on the table. "I have to say, the high of setting my out of office response might be the best kind of high there is. Or maybe I'm just extremely overworked and in great need of something that doesn't involve using a single drop of my brain cells."

[schmidt-stifler]

"Oh yeah that's professional as fuck. Unprofesh would be hitting one of these-," she flipped both her middle fingers up. "Overworked for sure, you don't really mean that. So how are we killing brain cells now that you're free, you know I always say I'll try anything once."

[jakelevenstein]

"You're a better person than me, because if I knew you had a crush on me I would never let you live it down. Like, ever. You would hear about it in your forties. Duh. We both know my type is women who are completely out of my league or uninterested. That's weird. I thought her favorite person was her girlfriend." Des huffed but was all smiles as he slung his arm around her shoulders. "See, I knew you would come through for me. We're a team. And just for that I'm willing to throw in a hot chocolate and your choice of snacks wherever we go."

[schmidt-stifler]

"Me having a crush on you would've been a whole other issue entirely okay, let's not get crazy. Girlfriend- back up, who's that supposed to be?" If Steph was dating anyone she'd know way before Des did so he had to be confused. Eve side-eyed him as he threw an arm around her shoulder then smirked, elbowing him as she did the same. "You gotta stop calling us a team. Speaking of Steph, you think it's poor taste if I fuck her new sister?"

[jakelevenstein]

"I don't know. Like a jersey or... I don't know. I've never paid attention to sports. She already knows she was my first crush. That's enough of a reason for her to tease me for the rest of my life. We don't need to add anything else in there. And before you get offended you were like... the fourth? Maybe the fifth if we're counting teachers, but that's still top five." Des nodded along as she spoke. "Remind me why I would pay for a third ticket for whatever this is when I already got you something? That's the only part I'm a little fuzzy on."

[schmidt-stifler]

"Yeah me either, unless it's the olympics and figure skating is on- that's my shit. Keeping it so real with you bud, I doubt she even remembers all that. I can live with top five, must've been some real bad bitches at two through four though," she teased. "'Cause the best gift you could get Steph is the company of her favorite person? Duh. We can go shopping tomorrow, if you want."

[jakelevenstein]

"You've always been a hero to me, E." Des pretended to sniffle as he raised a hand to cover his heart in mock pride. "It's easier when it's you. I know your bar for me is already so low that it's hard not to clear it. Is it bad that I didn't think that far ahead yet? She's on the list but that's as far as the list went. Maybe something basketball-ish? Don't tell her but she's always... I dunno. She's always seemed so cool that I've always felt like whatever I get her is dumb."

[schmidt-stifler]

"Yeah whatever," she scoffed. "Well now I'm gonna be extra critical, let's get those standards up. 'That far ahead,' like Christmas isn't around the fucking corner, alright. What's that even mean, basketball-ish? Oh yeah that stays between you and me." A compliment like that would inflate Steph's ego to sizes previously unseen and nobody needed all that. "Corny idea but what if you got something you could do together, like tickets to something, maybe not a basketball game she goes to plenty of those. And then whatever it is obviously get three so I can come too."

[jakelevenstein]

"Which means you have extra time on your hands. Time that you could spend with your best friend to help him avoid facing the consequences of his own procrastination. That sounds like a hero to me, E." Des scoffed loudly, brows furrowing as he tried to gauge whether or not she was serious. "You think I would make you help me pick out your own gift? I'm not a monster. McKinley helped me pick yours out after Thanksgiving so we're covered. And I'm not taking your dad off the list. Everybody gets something, even if they don't need it."

[schmidt-stifler]

Eve pursed her lips as if considering, "I mean.. if you're saying I'll save Christmas then sure, I can help out a little. If you were trying to get me exactly what I wanted then yeah, maybe. Good to know I'm at the top of your list though. As it should be. What are you thinking for Steph, we can start easy."

[jakelevenstein]

"You said that but I didn't think you actually meant it. We both know I'm hopeless without you. And I'm totally willing to let you get in the zone while I follow you and carry the bags. You point, I buy. That's teamwork at it's finest, and like it or not we're a team." Des mirrored her action, motioning between the two of them with his hand. "Just Steph, Bennett, Shawn, your dad, Uncle Percy and Kendall, and everyone else we know. No big deal."

[schmidt-stifler]

"Nope I say a lot of shit I don't mean but that was real. I already did my shopping." Which meant she could really focus on helping Des but they weren't there yet, she had to give him a hard time first. "So just everybody, cool, plus me, you forgot me. Go ahead and knock my dad off there too, he doesn't need anything."

[jakelevenstein]

"So when are we going shopping?" Des raised an eyebrow as he popped a piece of candy into his mouth. "I got my dad and Mack covered. Everyone else I still need help with, so I figured I could use your brain again this year. We might want to get on it soon though." @schmidt-stifler

[schmidt-stifler]

"You and me?" Eve motioned between the two of them then shook her head. "I said I wouldn't do that again, you're the actual worst to shop with. Like dead weight and I need to get in the zone. Who's everyone else though, I can throw some ideas out."

[schmidt-stifler]

"I'd go another way if I were you," Stifler warned as he cut through the park. "It's one of those lookalike contests, what's his name- Jeremy Allen White. Yeah, it's dudes in little t-shirts and cigarette smoke everywhere."

[jakelevenstein]

"You know this is a lot less fun for me when you don't even pretend I have a shot. Maybe I'm the new MILF guy in town. I could pull that off. Maybe. Someone told me I give off big dick energy once."

[schmidt-stifler]

"My bad my bad." He paused to clear his throat. "Please don't fuck my mom Jake," he said monotone, hardly convincing. "MILF guy, who the fuck told you that? You've got medium dick energy at best, which, honestly- might even be better. Way less disappointment that way."

[jakelevenstein]

"You're an asshole."Jake groaned, swiping at Stifler's hand as he tried to duck away from the contact. "What I'm hearing is you think I should start dressing like a baby on the beach. Hey, if I spend enough time at the country club maybe I can get your mom to rub aloe and sunscreen all over my body. I've needed to knock that off my bucket list for years."

[schmidt-stifler]

"If it keeps that baby white skin of your's safe, yeah, maybe." He rolled his eyes, used to the jokes about his mom. At least he knew Jake wouldn't do shit about it which was more than he could say for some people. "Yeah right, maybe she'll tuck you in and read you a bedtime story too."