schWARtz STORIES

A Nonsensical list and journal of my daily activities including but not limited to; work, dealing with aging grandparents by myself, funny catchphrases, Duke Basketball, Cleveland sports, stories that would only happen to me, and my on going quest to rid Planet Earth of LeBron James. Short and sweet, this preposterous diary is a continuous log of my battle against earth, life, people, and society.

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I got sprayed by that damn skunk again.

Tawanda Reddick

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Tawanda Singing

She's now singing some church song about it's not over until God says it's over. Jesus does not want her to sing anymore, he told me.

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Turkes EQUALS Turkeys

Mrs. Allentown just referred to a debtor with the last name of “Turkes” as “Turkeys.” she’s such a retard.

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Put a tent on that circus.

Jay Mohr

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I am uncomfortable caring for people.

Jeff Schwartz

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Best and only acceptable vanity plate ever.

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JC & J-Lo

I can’t help but be the only person annoyed by my fellow employees referring to our idiot bosses as JC and J-Lo. Yikes.

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The garbage man who wins the lottery does not throw out the ticket.

Ari Gold

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Awesome shirt

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"He who is wrapped up in himself makes a mighty small package."

Dom from Entourage via the twitter @D_Lombardozzi

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He's finally here

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These song tones

If I call your phone and I hear a song instead of ringing like a normal phone you should probably swallow a bullet or six.

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I want Joe Haden's job. That guy is at every big Cleveland sports event. He's also a stud cornerback for the Browns

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He's a conscientious objector on the glass.

Fran Fraschilla of ESPN

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• UConn’s Kemba Walker is anxious and said he doesn’t want his agent, Jeff Schwartz, to tell him what he’s hearing from teams. He said he wants to be surprised Thursday night.

ESPN's Andy Katz on his True Hoop Blog 6/22/11

(I assure you I have not spoken to anyone at ESPN)

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Amused slightly

I love how when Mrs. Allen calls someone named Kelly she confuses herself because her own name is Kelli. #retard