Science Bros Assemble!

[sciencebrosassemble]

Curiosity landed on Mars

*fist bump to the NASA bros*

[sciencebrosassemble]

Are you interested in starting an educational outreach program? I'm a kindergarten teacher, not a scientist, but it is one of my favorite subjects to teach. You need to start training the new batch of Science Bros as soon as possible, after all. I have a lot of experience managing large groups of 5-year-olds, if that's helpful. Since I have summers off, I'm also happy to help with any other projects then. I've done some entomology fieldwork, but I like learning new science too.

Can you bring us picture books?  I like picture books.  We will merely BORROW them and then give them back to your ScienceBros in training.  Really. 

Also, I want a nap.  Every day, I envy little ones and their nap mats.  We're going to follow the Globex Corp. lead and set up a hammock area, I swear we are.

[sciencebrosassemble]

Can I join, please? I'm an economist in training: we tell people economics is Science so they'll trust us with their money. *evil cackle* "In training" means I haven't caused my first financial crisis yet, but it's going to be awesome, trust me. Every state surrenders much quicker if they can't afford to resist. I'm also good at proving that I'm innocent, I have always been correct, and it was someone else's fault entirely (it comes with the job.)

Either you are the same anon economist from my personal Tumblr trying to get a second salary, or you're a new economist looking to hang on the coat tails of the first, and thus do less work.

I'm not sure which of the two answers would more qualify you for ScienceBro status.  Welcome aboard!

[sciencebrosassemble]

"The ficus in the lobby has eaten its second intern." Aw, jeez. Tell me it wasn't Bobby. I just got that kid trained up on the mid-morning coffee and waffles run.

Don't learn their names until they've learned to duck.  It's better that way.

[sciencebrosassemble]

Re: The ficus in the lobby. The ficus in question is clearly labelled, and one of the Horticulture Research Department's most successful hybrids. If new interns are unable to read signage that can hardly be blamed on our department. Also, I heard they were trying to feed it soggy tomato sandwiches. It was insulted. ~Petrel.

Too late to give us the origin story now, Stan Lee.  The reception department has taken ownership.  I'm sure it will be fine.  

Vodka fixes everything.

[sciencebrosassemble]

Coffee division was thinking of convincing another department to join with them and create some ScienceBros Every Flavor Coffee Beans. A surprise in every cup. Thoughts?

Didn't the world learn their lesson with Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans?

Though the grass ones were strangely compelling...

Let's start with some creamer lines.  Less terrifying.

[sciencebrosassemble]

submission from agent8927: RE: MEMO TO ALL PERSONEL

re:

Friendly reminder to everyone that the coffee related experiments done in Chem labs 5-13 are NOT to be mixed up with the mysterious black sludge we found in [INFORMATION REDACTED] and that NEITHER OF THESE are safe for human consumption. Seriously people. That sludge is probably toxic, and the coffee needs more testing before we release it for distribution. We still haven’t fixed that hallucination thing. And bullet holes are not my division.

On a related note, we’re taking volunteers for the coffee testing. 

The black sludge from [INFORMATION REDACTED] is actually a mistake from the print department. 

We tried to team up with some of the bio scientists to make a bio-degradable and edible ink for incident reports where we could dispose of evidence by eating it.

Tests did not go well. It is suggested you refrain from going down that hallway for the next 72 hours at least, if you have already gone down there or made physical contact with the sludge, please update your will and see the HAZMAT med team.

For future reference, soy sauce mixed with [INFORMATION REDACTED] , [INFORMATION REDACTED] , and [INFORMATION REDACTED], stirred on an open flame at around 237 degrees Celsius does not in fact make ink that is edible.

The print department apologises for the inconvenience. We will purchase new coffee for the next three weeks. We do not speak for the biologists who helped us.

[sciencebrosassemble]

Perhaps the disgruntled ficus should be watered on a regular schedule? Warning: If you make the receptionist do this, she will water it with Vodka. This will make the ficus love her, and protect her, and possibly name her George. Since everyone regularly forgets Administrative Assistant / Secretary's day, this could Become A Problem.

The receptionist in question has the right to push anyone who forgets such occasions directly into the ficus' path.  The gifts should start flowing quickly after the first or second screaming 'incident.'

[sciencebrosassemble]

submission from cericneesh: MEMO TO ALL DEPARTMENTS

Yes, we have a Starbucks now.  No, we did not threaten them, nor are you allowed to.  No, their employees do not know what we do, nor are they allowed to.  Yes, this is a direct result of the fact that our regular coffee supply is constantly being.... tampered with, and is generally unfit for consumption even when otherwise normal.  Yes, you still have to pay them.  No, you cannot pay them in booze, they are not the MedStaff.

ANYONE FOUND TO BE EXPERIMENTING UPON THE STARBUCKS STAFF IN ANY WAY WILL BE STRUCK DOWN WITH MIGHTY FORCE FOR TAMPERING WITH THE ONLY DRINKABLE COFFEE LEFT.

[be-n-blog]

[myinterwebs2-deactivated2016042]

[m--ny]

this is very deep, damnit…and I feel so bad for the little rover ; _ ; I cried.

[punpunichu]

W-why would you do this ;~;

[sciencebrosassemble]

Memo: The ficus in the lobby has eaten its second intern. From now on, all pet projects of the Botany Division must either be clearly labeled or kept within their own labs. Interns are one thing - visitors are something else and until Genetics has figured out how to duplicate our more affluent donors, having your pet projects digest random passer-by is not a viable option. Research has filed a complaint, and would like either two replacement interns or a carnivorous ficus of their own.

But if they get a carnivorous ficus, what are they gonna feed it?  They're running low on interns.

And most of the local colleges are catching on to the fact that they're not coming back.  Stupid record keeping.

[sciencebrosassemble]

submission from thisnewdevilry: Materials Requisition re: Doctor Doom and Sharp Rocks

Attn Supervisor ScienceBro -

Through my affiliation with the Confiscated Items Vault, I have information that would possibly posit a solution to the theoretical situation mentioned in your answer to the request for a Lithic department. 

ThinkGeek.com sells small-scale trebuchet, ballista, and catapult kits for office warfare.  Perhaps if we format the proper paperwork and personal security waivers, the Lithic Department could be formed to supplement that research project that is being done by the Staff Psychology and Wellness Department (I think it's 'Healthy Expressions of Violence as Stress Relief' or something, correct me if I'm wrong)?

The sound of breaking staplers and martial arts screams from that particular clean lab has always worried me.  I think combining the two to go after Doctor Doom might be... uh, better.

[sciencebrosassemble]

Re: Trebuchet. The desk-size prototype is currently on the desk of the receptionist, because screw cookies, she brings RUM CAKE for bribes. (A little bit of the Captain, eh?) Unfortunately, the Ballista prototype keeps getting stolen, we know not by whom, but suspicion is rife, and there are claims the betting pool is rigged. On a related topic, please tell the Librarians and Classics majors to refrain from mentioning Greek Fire at the Mass Hysteria piss u--.... Er, symposium. It Could Be Bad.

I...  Don't have it.

((shifty eyes))

In unrelated notes, I also do not have anything else anyone  is looking for.  So shut up and go away.  Everyone.

[sciencebrosassemble]

Can I be the Receptionist / Official Oracle Priestess of the Cult of Tony Stark's Busted and Abandoned Shit? I have a friend who is a knit designer, we WILL make the toaster hats, oh YES, we WILL. (I will continue to work on the phone tree, and am happy to take suggestions, by the way.) You are a marvel, and I adore your brilliance and the bravery it takes to share it. Just sayin'. (And I'm like 46, so 'd I'll hug Spidey, but he'd DIE of mortification, 'cause I'm OLD!)

Nope.  Unless...  ARE YOU PLANNING ON GROPING SPIDEY?  I see what you're up to.  That tush is difficult to resist, but please, resist.  (If resisting is impossible, all other interested ScienceBros require DETAILS.)  

It will be fine, we will tell the young man that it's a ScienceBro hazing ritual.  HUGS FOR ALL.

[sciencebrosassemble]

submission from amishamj: MEMO TO ALL PERSONEL

Friendly reminder to everyone that the coffee related experiments done in Chem labs 5-13 are NOT to be mixed up with the mysterious black sludge we found in [INFORMATION REDACTED] and that NEITHER OF THESE are safe for human consumption. Seriously people. That sludge is probably toxic, and the coffee needs more testing before we release it for distribution. We still haven't fixed that hallucination thing. And bullet holes are not my division.

On a related note, we're taking volunteers for the coffee testing. 

[sciencebrosassemble]

submission from naenaelyn: Were there any Bros in Japan last year?

I just found a report that sounds suspiciously like us. http://io9.com/5731129/drunken-scientists-pour-alcohol-on-superconductors-and-make-an-incredible-discovery

((mod note: sounds like a sad waste of BOOZEAHOLS.))

[sciencebrosassemble]

Lithic is arguably the first tech. In the end, the Iron Man Suit, Mjoliner, bullets, knives, even tungsten arrowheads all began when some primate used their opposable thumb to pick up a rock and hit something in the head with it. (Okay, so it was probably a bug. Or a tough piece of fruit. The principal still holds.) So, yeah, we need a Lithic department. Because who doesn't like to throw rocks at Dr. Doom? Especially sharp edged rocks.

I actually took a wilderness EMT course that taught how to make basic stone blades.

I was not good at it.  Much blood was spilled that night.  

Listen, I have problems with depth perception.  In that I don't have any.

I am all for throwing rocks at Doom.  Preferably with a Trebuchet.  Has anyone started work on that?